edgygirl Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Kirsten Dunst at The Guardian: "Every time I’ve fallen immediately in lust or whatever it is, you think it’s love, but it has always ended badly. Always. It’s always when I’ve grown to love someone that it’s a real relationship. And not fantasyland." Agree? Disagree? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 From my personal experiences - disagree. But I don't think I confuse falling in LUST with falling in love. Example 1 - met a guy, instant off the charts chemistry. We end up in bed all night the second date - after first meeting continue to see each other several times a week - "I love you's" exchanged after just over a month, moved in together 6 months later - been together for 14 years, through up's and downs only love - not just LUST can endure. Example 2 - I fell in LUST with this guy. Talked to him often over several months and the feeling grew. Always found him attractive / handsome / charming - and eventually fantasized about sex with him. And I DID end up hooking up with him - and I am still in LUST with him. I don't care about him emotionally, I don't desire to share all of my life with him - but I LUST after him, as in desire him sexually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 It's true the majority of the time. Most people who fall in instant chemistry and lust don't end up with that person. The vast majority of people I know ended up with someone they grew to love ; there wasn't instant chemistry. I do know three long term relationships that started with instant chemistry. Only one of those is a healthy relationship. So. Out of every long term couple I've ever known...one had instant head over heels type crazy@p that also turned out to be joyful healthy and happy long term. So far, the men I've felt lust for instantly haven't lasted. The men I've felt less strongly for romantically have been the ones to want me. I am currently dating a man I've had instant chemistry with. It's the most promising relationship thus far... We seem very compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 (edited) Kirsten Dunst at The Guardian: "Every time I’ve fallen immediately in lust or whatever it is, you think it’s love, but it has always ended badly. Always. It’s always when I’ve grown to love someone that it’s a real relationship. And not fantasyland." Agree? Disagree? Why? Disagree. Four relationships total, in love once. The one I was in love with was the one I had the biggest immediate physical reaction to. It went longterm and we were engaged. Sadly no longer together. The others grew on me like moss and frankly love never developed it was at best....like, sort of. Love doesn't know rules and if you try and follow someone else's it's very likely you'll miss out. Go with the flow of what's happening for you. For me that big physical hit isn't lust, it's something else, a knowing that there is more to this person than the bag of bones I'm staring at. My impression of them in that moment usually turns out to be fairly accurate in terms of their character and overall compatibility with me. It's happened for me again just recently, I'm going there for sure. Edited October 4, 2015 by Buddhist Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 That's such a ridiculous statement. Just because you wanna bang someone there is a 100% it's gonna end up bad? What's the point to find someone attractive at all then? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 I think the issue with this kind of statement is that people tend to respond with personal anecdotes "I once...". When posting this, I was interested in the big picture of love vs lust. I for one relate to her statement. I know it's hard though to respond to this without talking about your own feelings about it. It seems to depend a lot on age as well. When I was in my 20s I believed an instant magical chemistry was necessary otherwise it wasn't "right". I am glad I know better now. Another thing I've been noticing lately is that a lot of people, mostly men, seem to ultimately connect physical attraction (ultimately) with love (although they think they don't). Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 well it's always infatuation in the beginning.....our brain gets a shot of Dopamine and anything seems right. But then when it tapers off it turns into love or "what the hell was I thinking?". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I think it means more along the lines of when you fall in lust so hard you fail to realize red flags that are waving everywhere because you get tunnel vision. When you end up with them and the overwhelming desire for their genitals has worn off, the red flags go from being invisible to right in your face. When you take time to build on someone, you can investigate things about them and the flags aren't invisible. You get to know the person without being blinded. Laws of probability at work here because falling in lust can turn to love if that person doesn't have dealbreakers or issues one would normally overlook in that situation. One can be a roller coaster ride full of fun and highs and lows but you may not know the track runs out halfway through. The other, you spend time walking around the ride before getting on. It's not as exciting because you've seen it, but it's still fun and you know it's built well and won't drop you final destination style. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 well it's always infatuation in the beginning.....our brain gets a shot of Dopamine and anything seems right. But then when it tapers off it turns into love or "what the hell was I thinking?". Exactly. First is the animal response of the lower nature. When this fires up, it's designed to last about 2 years, just long enough to raise an offspring to toddlerhood. Then it fades. If the heart response, the higher nature, gets sufficiently roused within those 2 years, you can make a choice to stick around and love that person. And there are tricks for arousing the honeymoon lust again and again. You can have both - the lust and the love, sometimes known as "true love". But I think it's a small minority of people who get that and keep it. I'd guess no more than 5%. Many (most?) will "settle" for low to moderate lust, with relatively stable and secure love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 And then there's people like me who will endure all types of insanity in the name of lust. Link to post Share on other sites
Celeste.Carol Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I really do want love but always find earth shattering lust and it never ends well. Ends like Shakespeare! I do agree! Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 You fall in lust with your eyes and you fall in love with your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 It really depends on what evokes those lustful feelings. For some people they couldn't even imagine having sex with someone that didn't have long term potential - even if it is just at the very early stages. For others, they get so blinded by the physical attraction that long term viability isn't even in their thoughts. I belong to the former group - I could not feel lustful upon first meeting under any circumstances. I need to know them first, and even then it takes a few dates for the lust to come into the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Kirsten Dunst at The Guardian: "Every time I’ve fallen immediately in lust or whatever it is, you think it’s love, but it has always ended badly. Always. It’s always when I’ve grown to love someone that it’s a real relationship. And not fantasyland." Agree? Disagree? Why? I think the trap is to not know the difference between falling in lust and falling in love like your quote. I have never mistaken lust for love as far as I can remember. When I met my last boyfriend it was 'love at first sight' but of course it was not 'love' it was attraction, lust, chemistry. I know it's a phase and it will run its course and then after real love will grow. So when the butterflies started settling down I was not in a panic and I did not question my feelings, I knew it's the normal evolution of feelings. If you think lust is love then you will always be disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I don't believe it's true love if it doesn't start out with amazing electric chemistry. True love is falling head over heels with your best friend who sticks around and doesn't let you down, and is patient and kind..Falling in love is feeling the immediate jolt of intense primal animal attraction in addition to it also lasting long term with mutual respect and admiration present. ... It's lust if it doesn't progress into true love. It's not true love if you bypass the fireworks and amazing physical and personal chemistry. ...... Link to post Share on other sites
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