New relationship: She's reserved on emotions and I lack confidence in maintaining her

[cottom]

I met a girl, we texted for 2 weeks before meeting for the first time. We found we were ridiculously similar, after meeting we had a great night of drinks together then I dropped her home, we met pretty much most days we were both available since then, we have been sleeping together for approx 6 weeks now we are boy exclusive. It's great we are so similar we can laugh about the same things, we have never stopped talking even after 6 weeks, text constantly and when we're together we haven't managed to sit through a single film or TV show without either missing it due to sex or talking throughout.

 

However she is emotionally reserved, she puts up a defence mechanism cold front when it comes to couple kind of things and cringes at the thought of telling me she's interested even. I even thought I was in the friend zone up until about 3 week ago when we were drinking and we said we was both exclusive.

 

And I have been hurt badly in the past, I've been cheated on, I've had girls that turns out they have side guys, I've found out I was a side guy, I've had girls ghost me through cold feet of getting emotions for me, I've had girls with GIGS come back for me after that I've been so into that i couldn't face being hurt again when they go.

 

All of that plays on my mind and I start to read into every little thing and it takes the spark away from me and people love being around me they say I'm the life of the party, I'm hilarious and that I'm Mr confident but that's all really a front i put up because I don't want people to see who I am really, but when I get into relationships I fin it harder to cope because of who I am inside and I worry that will come out and put them off...so then I worry about being to "emotional" to them and putting them off so I become less of who I was before and into a 3rd person that avoids a spark and tries to make a stable relationship.

 

How can I avoid this, what advice is there to get this girl to keep with me and break down her defences? I'm 23 m and her 21 f

[kendahke]

I've had girls with GIGS

 

what is GIGS?

[kendahke]

All of that plays on my mind and I start to read into every little thing and it takes the spark away from me and people love being around me they say I'm the life of the party, I'm hilarious and that I'm Mr confident but that's all really a front i put up because I don't want people to see who I am really, but when I get into relationships I fin it harder to cope because of who I am inside and I worry that will come out and put them off...so then I worry about being to "emotional" to them and putting them off so I become less of who I was before and into a 3rd person that avoids a spark and tries to make a stable relationship.

 

How can I avoid this, what advice is there to get this girl to keep with me and break down her defences? I'm 23 m and her 21 f

 

Her defenses really aren't the issue here, so put that out of your mind. Your issue is how you esteem yourself and she nor any other female has any say-so in that. That is on you.

 

First, you have to get to the point where this self doubt isn't ruling your life. That is work you need to do outside of a relationship. You need to be clear on who you are, what you want and what you require out of a partner BEFORE getting with a partner.

 

No one is going to stay with you if you are being false from the get-go.

[cottom]

Thanks for the reply, the issue is not me in person and faking who I am because I am the confident funny guy, but it's when I'm alone and you can't help but have thoughts run through your head and then I start doubting things and it's at those points that I'd want justification behind her feelings etc.

 

I was really asking advice on how to stop those inadequate feelings running through my head, thinking everything through so much because of what I've had before. And how can I get her to come through her defences.

 

What is it that can make people hate couple kind of things?

Examples include I was attempting to make my bed at my place and asked her for help and she said no because that's cringe couple activities, or going on holiday I said a suggestion to get away for a weekend and she said no there's nothing worse than having to go on holiday with a bf it's cringey and such a couple thing to do. (She has been away once with a bf and said she hated it but I never went in to detail).

 

Her sister is only a year older and may as well be surgical attached to her partner they never leave each others sides, all her friends are typical "white girl" types ... go to a club, drink as much as they can, take as much pills and drugs as they can, live on parents money, hate relationships and that kind of stuff

[Frank2thepoint]

what is GIGS?

 

Grass is Greener Syndrome

 

However she is emotionally reserved, she puts up a defence mechanism cold front when it comes to couple kind of things and cringes at the thought of telling me she's interested even.

 

I can tell you from experience, if you are not emotionally reserved, but she is, the relationship will not work. You could be patient with her while you support her in being more emotionally expressive, but it is an arduous process. Where one or both of you might lose their patience.

 

On top of that, you have some past ain you are holding on to which is affecting your current relationship. You need to work them out and heal.

[kendahke]

Grass is Greener Syndrome.

 

 

Thank you, Frank

[kendahke]

I was really asking advice on how to stop those inadequate feelings running through my head, thinking everything through so much because of what I've had before.

 

 

That is coming from a place of lack within you. It's not some external phenomenon.

 

And how can I get her to come through her defences.

 

You can't. That's a decision she has to make. And if you're running up against:

 

Examples include I was attempting to make my bed at my place and asked her for help and she said no because that's cringe couple activities,

or going on holiday I said a suggestion to get away for a weekend and she said no there's nothing worse than having to go on holiday with a bf it's cringey and such a couple thing to do. (She has been away once with a bf and said she hated it but I never went in to detail).

 

She sounds like someone who isn't into the couple-y things like you are. It's who she is. Can you accept her for who she is without trying to change her? If you need someone who likes that kind of stuff, this chick ain't the one, s0n. I mean, she's telling you over and over who she is and you're basically ignoring it because you want her to be someone she's not. Again, that comes back to you that you're trying to make this chick into a renovation project instead of hearing her, hearing that she doesn't like what you like and make adjustments to your life so that you find someone else who wants what you want.

 

Her sister is only a year older and may as well be surgical attached to her partner they never leave each others sides, all her friends are typical "white girl" types ... go to a club, drink as much as they can, take as much pills and drugs as they can, live on parents money, hate relationships and that kind of stuff

 

And she is well within her rights to live her life this way if that's the way she sees is fit. If you dont' like it, find another girl. But to ask questions about how to turn her into someone she has no interest in being instead of stopping and figuring out that this isn't working out no matter how far you twist yourself into knots is really a bad investment of your time and abilities.