the embarrassment / bruised ego is my biggest problem after being rejected

[HansonGirl]

Whenever I go after someone I am interested in, and I get rejected, or if I am seeing someone and then get dumped, i feel like I actually feel embarrassed for having shown my feelings, and I feel like i "lost" and the person has one up on me. I feel like the bruise to my ego is the worse part for me. usually, I am not so disappointed about the fact that I don't get to get to know the person better or get to spend time with the person. But rather, I feel like a loser, and the person is thinking they've won, as if it is a contest. In the past (not lately), i'd even try to save face and maybe even try to retract or maybe even insult the person to even the score.

 

is that normal? if not, what the heck is wrong with me?! Why do i get so embarrassed and ashamed about being rejected? It's almost like I lose sight of why i was pursuing / interested in the person, and it's like it becomes about winning and losing.

[newmoon]

i had a bf who was like this - the end of a relationship, or any rejection from someone, not just romantic stuff, would kill his ego. he would be very spiteful and vengeful towards people he thought were shunning him in any way. i think it happens to people who have a very high opinion of themselves and can't fathom the idea that others may not like them. it's likely normal for some people, but we all don't operate that way.

[HansonGirl]

i had a bf who was like this - the end of a relationship, or any rejection from someone, not just romantic stuff, would kill his ego. he would be very spiteful and vengeful towards people he thought were shunning him in any way. i think it happens to people who have a very high opinion of themselves and can't fathom the idea that others may not like them. it's likely normal for some people, but we all don't operate that way.

 

I dated a guy like that too, so he had the same issue as me. and it was like this game that went on for a while, because we were BOTH like that. I really want to work on LOVING more. just generally. that's my goal now.. and i THINK i am getting better at it. i had no desire to retract after the last person I pursued. i didn't mind him knowing how i felt, but it's not always that way.

[neowulf]

Rejection hurts everyone to an extent.

 

Part of it has to do with how personally you take the rejection.

 

It becomes easier to understand after you've done your own share of rejecting.

 

If I offer you an apple and you say to me, "Nah, I don't want the apple, sorry", am I going to get super offended? Why would I? You just didn't feel like an apple.

 

There's nothing wrong with the apple. You just simply didn't feel like it.

 

In the end, it's the same with people.

 

Just because someone doesn't want a relationship with you, doesn't mean you are some how lessened. They simply aren't the right person for you.

 

Once you can understand that, it'll become easier to accept rejection. In those early stages, it *really* isn't personal.

[newmoon]

I dated a guy like that too, so he had the same issue as me. and it was like this game that went on for a while, because we were BOTH like that. I really want to work on LOVING more. just generally. that's my goal now.. and i THINK i am getting better at it. i had no desire to retract after the last person I pursued. i didn't mind him knowing how i felt, but it's not always that way.

 

it's good that you are working on positive improvements. i know with the guy i dated he was very self-critical although he projected confidence. it could be that he never felt worthy and when someone rejected him it confirmed those inner thoughts? i dunno, but recognizing an issue can help solve it.

[h0000]

Whenever I go after someone I am interested in, and I get rejected, or if I am seeing someone and then get dumped, i feel like I actually feel embarrassed for having shown my feelings, and I feel like i "lost" and the person has one up on me. I feel like the bruise to my ego is the worse part for me. usually, I am not so disappointed about the fact that I don't get to get to know the person better or get to spend time with the person. But rather, I feel like a loser, and the person is thinking they've won, as if it is a contest. In the past (not lately), i'd even try to save face and maybe even try to retract or maybe even insult the person to even the score.

 

is that normal? if not, what the heck is wrong with me?! Why do i get so embarrassed and ashamed about being rejected? It's almost like I lose sight of why i was pursuing / interested in the person, and it's like it becomes about winning and losing.

This is absolutely normal. Im the same. I feel deflated and feel not so good about myself and would even start to doubt myself.

 

 

I don't think it happens to people who "think high of themselves". Quite opposite I think it means we are insecure. That's why we take things personally. People with true confidence won't let other people get to them. They will still be confident even after being rejected.

[HansonGirl]

I was just thinking about this more. and I was reading some other forum about a guy who wasn't sure how he felt about this one girl and he pointed to a couple little things she did on their date that he didn't like - for instance she left her cup in the cup holder at the movie theatre because she knew the workers would come by and pick up the trash, and the person said that really bothered him, as if he were questioning her morals as a human being, or a reason to break up with her. And reading this had me thinking... When I have liked people, they are never perfect people. I never have been in awe of something thinking they were amazing and could never do anything wrong. To the contrary, I recognize their faults, and the thought of someone rejecting me for something that in my mind is forgivable makes me resentful and i guess it makes me feel offended because I have given the person grace, and yet liked them in spite of it, and it's almost like, it makes me harshly judged and unfairly criticized when i could've done the same to that person but chose to want to get to know them more instead. I recall this one guy i was interested in, I wasn't into baseball but i volunteered to play for our group intramural team because they needed a certain number of female players. I had no experience whatsoever, and wasn't all that enthusiastic about it. I am really not into sports. well this guy said something under his breath about me. I remember it really hurt and made me angry at the thought he was saying something under his breath that seemed unfair since i was only there to help the team out, because if i wasn't there they'd have to forfeit the game due to a lack of enough women. and it conjured up the memory of the various things about him that i didn't like all that much but that i had overlooked. I also felt like he hated me or something, he was always so weird around me. ugh... don't want to think about that.

 

anyways i guess to cut a long story short, in some instances, i guess i feel a bruise to my ego because i feel like i have not measured up in some way and they are rejecting me based on that, and i want to make sure its clear that the rejector is isn't perfect either, but i have been gracious of their negative qualities, and its like i want to set the record straight. so i pretend, oh, well if i wasn't so gracious, then i wouldn't like either, so THERE!

[Redhead14]

Whenever I go after someone I am interested in, and I get rejected, or if I am seeing someone and then get dumped, i feel like I actually feel embarrassed for having shown my feelings, and I feel like i "lost" and the person has one up on me. I feel like the bruise to my ego is the worse part for me. usually, I am not so disappointed about the fact that I don't get to get to know the person better or get to spend time with the person. But rather, I feel like a loser, and the person is thinking they've won, as if it is a contest. In the past (not lately), i'd even try to save face and maybe even try to retract or maybe even insult the person to even the score.

 

is that normal? if not, what the heck is wrong with me?! Why do i get so embarrassed and ashamed about being rejected? It's almost like I lose sight of why i was pursuing / interested in the person, and it's like it becomes about winning and losing.

i'd even try to save face and maybe even try to retract or maybe even insult the person to even the score. -- that is a coping mechanism. Transferring pain/embarrassment to anger toward the person. Anger is often easier for some people to deal with.

 

Most people feel some embarrassment over being rejected. It's part of the grieving process usually over the end of a dating scenario. People go through stages like they do over a death. When we are rejected we feel like what we had to offer as a person has been studied, appraised and rejected as not valuable to the other person. And, that is really an overstatement and result of negative thinking. It's really simpler than that. There just wasn't enough of an emotional connection. That's no one's fault. It's just the way it is.

 

If this is the only stage you experience, that is about a deeper issue for you.

 

Feeling shame for having opened up about your feelings, though, is another thing. Embarrassment and shame are different.

 

As for viewing having a relationship as a win/lose scenario, that usually indicates that it's not about having another person in one's life, it's about the relationship, not the person. Some people will do whatever they can to have a relationship. Usually their source of validation comes from an outside source. It's being in a relationship that validates them.