HeBrokeMyHeart Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I was dating a guy for a month & I started getting the feeling he wasn't interested. Stepping back now I realise I was worrying & letting people's opinions effect my own. So one night I said to him that if he wanted to call it a day that it was fine & I'd respect his decision. It wasn't a talk as to I want a relationship but more of if he's not feeling it I understand & respect his decision just lrt me know. He he got a bit pissy & said he didn't understand where this had come from. I explained why I said it & that I was interested as he said if I wanted to call it a day then fine. He never responded to my last message so I gave him space & messaged him 2 days later. Just keeping it light & a bit of banter to show I never meant to have a serious talk. I apologised if I had pissed him off & said that was all I could gather from the silent treatment. He replied saying 'I'm not exactly pissed off it was just real weird and random. It's not the silent treatment at all signals a bit of a hit & miss up here.' he's rs away for 2 weeks on a training course. Have I ****ed it? And if I have how can I correct this? Do I give him space & let him come to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 FFS you only asked if he was interested. Didn't ask for a loan or a ring. Jesus if he's going to be so touchy over something so simple it's not as if the harder things in relationships are going to being easy with him. You should consider whether you want to waste anymore time on this one. IMHO, when someone gets pissy and then starts telling you you're being random and weird, it's not a good sign. Doesn't bode well for communication between you. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I guess you came off a bit pissed, didn't have a "talk", just threw a little tantrum, he though you are a bit crazy and unstable and pulled back. You may have effed this up but if you didn't the best way is to go crickets now and wait for him to reach out. And from now on, contain your crazy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Yes, give him plenty of space now. Let this die down. If he really was interested enough, he may reach out again. You say you were listening to other people, etc. He may be a little insulted that you asked that question. I mean, perhaps he was really interested and the fact that you asked made him feel bad for not showing you well enough? Lots of times the guys are doing everything right, but the girl is just an insecure woman and wants "it all" right away or has high expectations too soon. What exactly gave you the feeling he wasn't interested or lost interest? Link to post Share on other sites
blissfool Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Hmm I think you should let it die down first. He might be a little too sensitive in my point of view and I would strongly recommend you to consider you rs right now, because, touchwood, if something happens and you mention break-up again, he might take it way too hard and lead to undesirable consequences. Or, you could give him space and let him think through it, and if he's really into you, he'll let this pass and reach out to you again! Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
kpl Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 the fact that you felt he was pulling away is the bigger issue to me. What happened? If he is interested he will reach out, but next time have the conversation in person! That is not a good text conversation because tone isn't there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeBrokeMyHeart Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 the fact that you felt he was pulling away is the bigger issue to me. What happened? If he is interested he will reach out, but next time have the conversation in person! That is not a good text conversation because tone isn't there. I thought he had lost interest due to the fact he was always busy. The last time he said he was too busy I made a point that I was a bit disappointed as it would have been nice seeing him before he went away. He apologised loads & suggested seeing me another night but I was busy. He does say he wants to do stuff with me & said about how we'll do something when he was back. But I sort of felt like I was pursuing him & not the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinx01 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I thought he had lost interest due to the fact he was always busy. The last time he said he was too busy I made a point that I was a bit disappointed as it would have been nice seeing him before he went away. He apologised loads & suggested seeing me another night but I was busy. He does say he wants to do stuff with me & said about how we'll do something when he was back. But I sort of felt like I was pursuing him & not the other way around. You need to wait and see if he follows threw and gets back with you about meeting again. If he doesn't he's just a guy that you have dated for a month let it go and go on dates with other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I was dating a guy for a month & I started getting the feeling he wasn't interested. Stepping back now I realise I was worrying & letting people's opinions effect my own. So one night I said to him that if he wanted to call it a day that it was fine & I'd respect his decision. It wasn't a talk as to I want a relationship but more of if he's not feeling it I understand & respect his decision just lrt me know. He he got a bit pissy & said he didn't understand where this had come from. I explained why I said it & that I was interested as he said if I wanted to call it a day then fine. He never responded to my last message so I gave him space & messaged him 2 days later. So out of the blue you texted him a message that if wanted to end the r/s you'd be fine with it? Why? Why the message and, why oh why would you say this in text? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I thought he had lost interest due to the fact he was always busy. The last time he said he was too busy I made a point that I was a bit disappointed as it would have been nice seeing him before he went away. He apologised loads & suggested seeing me another night but I was busy. He does say he wants to do stuff with me & said about how we'll do something when he was back. But I sort of felt like I was pursuing him & not the other way around. Yes, that is the problem with initiating things too soon and/or too often. You can't get a sense of their level of interest if you aren't giving them an opportunity to demonstrate. And, what happens sometimes when a woman even senses he maybe backing off, say a couple of days not hearing from him, she panics and reaches out to him. She doesn't ride it out to see how long it takes for him to reach out if at all. She calls him, he'll answer, etc. Even accept a date but may or may not have initiated it himself. So she still wonders. There needs to be balance. If you call him once, and he says he's busy, you say, ok. I'm available X day or days and then wait for him to say he wants one of those days. Just wait it out. Don't call him again. If he doesn't reach out, That will be the clue that he's probably moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) If after a month, you got the sense that he wasn't that into things, then trust your gut and move on. No need for a conversation. You told him nicely how you felt about him being so busy. Next time, just cool it and go on about your business without him. This early, you shouldn't be having doubts. Don't let any guy gaslight you or feed you BS. Of course he wants to keep stringing you along... Don't be a chump. Edited October 1, 2015 by RedRobin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I guess you came off a bit pissed, didn't have a "talk", just threw a little tantrum, he though you are a bit crazy and unstable and pulled back. You may have effed this up but if you didn't the best way is to go crickets now and wait for him to reach out. And from now on, contain your crazy. I agree. He's worried and thought it was too soon for a talk like that and you took the "fun" out of it for him. It makes him feel pressure and not sure about you. However, you need to own it, not scramble to fix it--then you will lose his respect. OWN IT. Don't contact. A self-respecting girl would feel like she had every right to speak up like that. You can laugh about it if he contacts you but he didn't handle things well either. Rather than react well to the pressure, he kinda flipped out so not best look on him either. Still let him be the guy and get in touch. You will save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak if you just let the chips fall where they may. What's done is done. Let's see what he does with it. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 The way I see this isn't so much you had a "talk" too early. It's the way you phrased it. If a woman said this to me, I would read it as she isn't feeling it, and she is trying to get me to do the hard work and end it. I mean you pretty much out of nowhere suggested that you would be fine with him ending it. I can understand him being pissed (and maybe Re-evaluating things) after an announcement like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeBrokeMyHeart Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 The way I see this isn't so much you had a "talk" too early. It's the way you phrased it. If a woman said this to me, I would read it as she isn't feeling it, and she is trying to get me to do the hard work and end it. I mean you pretty much out of nowhere suggested that you would be fine with him ending it. I can understand him being pissed (and maybe Re-evaluating things) after an announcement like that. I know. And the thing is I never meant it to come across as a serious talk! I just wanted an adult conversation on it. I believe communication is key. If he wasn't feeling it then that's fine, I'm happy with my life & don't need anyone's validation but what I can't stand is people wasting my time. I think he's a great guy & we have a laugh together & even if he wasn't feeling it I would hope we could still be friends. But looking back at how I did it I see how it may have came across & have an idea as to what he must be thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Trust your intuition. It's easy to tell when someone's interest level drops. You picked up on the change in behavior and called him out on it. Now he's going to flip it around on you and make you feel bad for calling him out. It's a tad bit manipulative on his part. When someone's into you, they are into you. Little things like this can't disrupt the whole relationship. You called him out and and it pissed him off, but that doesn't mean you did something wrong. Don't let this guy make you take the blame. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 It wasn't the timing; it was how you phrased it. Instead of asking where his head & heart were you jumped to the conclusion that he wasn't interested & offered to call it a day. He took you to mean that you wanted out & he got pissy because it sounded like you were passive aggressively dumping him. If you had come at this differently you would have gotten the discussion you were looking for. I would have opened with something more along the lines of This may be my own insecurities talking but I'm not sure where you think we are in this relationship or where we're going. I like you. I would like to see where this is going but I'm a little scared. Nobody wants to get hurt. How do you feel about all of this? My words or ones like them put the onus on you & so expose some of your vulnerabilities making it safer for the other person to open up. Do you see the difference in how you approached this & why you got a negative result? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeBrokeMyHeart Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 It wasn't the timing; it was how you phrased it. Instead of asking where his head & heart were you jumped to the conclusion that he wasn't interested & offered to call it a day. He took you to mean that you wanted out & he got pissy because it sounded like you were passive aggressively dumping him. If you had come at this differently you would have gotten the discussion you were looking for. I would have opened with something more along the lines of This may be my own insecurities talking but I'm not sure where you think we are in this relationship or where we're going. I like you. I would like to see where this is going but I'm a little scared. Nobody wants to get hurt. How do you feel about all of this? My words or ones like them put the onus on you & so expose some of your vulnerabilities making it safer for the other person to open up. Do you see the difference in how you approached this & why you got a negative result? Yeah I think he got the idea that I wasn't interested & got pissy with me because of it. How do I correct this now? I obviously gave him space & still am last messaged him Tuesday & he hasn't replied but he did say signal was hit & miss as he's away for with atm. Do I let him come to me? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Most LSs will tell you to give him space. I think space makes things worse because people let it fester & their minds create worst case scenarios. I would text him "I'm sorry. Can we please talk? I screwed this up because I'm scared & want to make things right." Then if he agrees, you tell him some of what I posted. . . that you approached it wrong & ask him to start over. If he doesn't want to talk to you, assume he called it day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeBrokeMyHeart Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 Most LSs will tell you to give him space. I think space makes things worse because people let it fester & their minds create worst case scenarios. I would text him "I'm sorry. Can we please talk? I screwed this up because I'm scared & want to make things right." Then if he agrees, you tell him some of what I posted. . . that you approached it wrong & ask him to start over. If he doesn't want to talk to you, assume he called it day. I did apologise to him on Tuesday and told him I'm sorry if I pissed him off which is when he replied and said what I said in my description. I replied saying that I can understand where he was coming from & said how he knows I'm one for speaking what's on my mind & how I told him it gets me in trouble sometimes. But no response, I've left it as he's on his course & he said about signal & wifi being crap. I may message him when he comes back in a week & see how it went & if he still wanted to meet up & do something if he hang got in touch Link to post Share on other sites
myothernic2 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Yeah I think he got the idea that I wasn't interested & got pissy with me because of it. How do I correct this now? I obviously gave him space & still am last messaged him Tuesday & he hasn't replied but he did say signal was hit & miss as he's away for with atm. Do I let him come to me? I see you conveniently ignoring the posters that suggested you said that to him because you sensed him backing off and you're only going with what you want to hear. I seriously doubt he thought you meant you weren't interested when you were the one that was mostly pursuing him and then you called or text after he went silent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeBrokeMyHeart Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 I see you conveniently ignoring the posters that suggested you said that to him because you sensed him backing off and you're only going with what you want to hear. I seriously doubt he thought you meant you weren't interested when you were the one that was mostly pursuing him and then you called or text after he went silent. I'm not ignoring them at all. And yes I did get that feeling, but for someone who has anxiety I'm not in the best position to go with what I'm feeling as I'm always panicked & feeling negative about relationships. I've had problems in the past with my ex & im trying to think more positive, neither did I mention the good things he's actually done. Stepping back from my emotions & looking at it from a different perspective I realise I did over react with his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I did apologise to him on Tuesday and told him I'm sorry if I pissed him off which is when he replied and said what I said in my description. I replied saying that I can understand where he was coming from & said how he knows I'm one for speaking what's on my mind & how I told him it gets me in trouble sometimes. But no response, I've left it as he's on his course & he said about signal & wifi being crap. I may message him when he comes back in a week & see how it went & if he still wanted to meet up & do something if he hang got in touch Don't message him again. You've apologized. Let this go. The more you "pick" at this, the more inflammed it will get. You've reached out to him and the ball is in his court. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
martaldn Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Don't message him again. You've apologized. Let this go. The more you "pick" at this, the more inflammed it will get. You've reached out to him and the ball is in his court. this. what else you must do if someone you texted to apology doesnt reply back? poke him again about this would only make you look desperate for a contact at all costs. let it be... maybe he will contact you again but in the meantime try to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
kpl Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I'm not ignoring them at all. And yes I did get that feeling, but for someone who has anxiety I'm not in the best position to go with what I'm feeling as I'm always panicked & feeling negative about relationships. I've had problems in the past with my ex & im trying to think more positive, neither did I mention the good things he's actually done. Stepping back from my emotions & looking at it from a different perspective I realise I did over react with his actions. If you can't trust yourself how will you date? Leave this guy alone and work on your anxiety and trusting yourself to make good decisions. If you always on edge there is no way you will be able to find someone who is right for you because you are spending too much time worrying about how they feel and not about what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeBrokeMyHeart Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 If you can't trust yourself how will you date? Leave this guy alone and work on your anxiety and trusting yourself to make good decisions. If you always on edge there is no way you will be able to find someone who is right for you because you are spending too much time worrying about how they feel and not about what you want. I think that's very small minded. I know many people with anxiety who's in relationships. & I did take time out, a whole year off it out to help overcome my last relationship which I have. But how do you expect to overcome something like that without facing your fears? You've got to apply yourself to overcome something. Link to post Share on other sites
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