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"knowing where she is" vs "control"


Stilnaught

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Just a quick question about my standards.

 

I allow my girlfriend to have a drink with a male friend (1-on-1 situations), on the following conditions:

 

1) Not in an "intimate" place (her or his place, basicly)

2) I want to have a clue about who he his

3) I want her to let me know that she's going out for a drink with him a few days in advance; not in the permission-asking way, just informing me and telling me about her plans.

 

 

Two girls have called me controlling and restrictive to their freedom over this. Am i missing something here, or should i just acknowledge that girls tend to see "informing duty" as equal to "asking permission"?

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Just a quick question about my standards.

 

I allow my girlfriend

 

I only needed to get this far.

I agree, you are controlling.

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I only needed to get this far.

I agree, you are controlling.

 

I don't lock her up if i "disallow". Disallowing would mean bringing it up in a serious talk/asking why she doesn't respect those few rules.

If you know a better verb to use in that sentence: be my guest ...

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I don't lock her up if i "disallow". Disallowing would mean bringing it up in a serious talk/asking why she doesn't respect those few rules.

If you know a better verb to use in that sentence: be my guest ...

 

Thanks for the offer but I don't have one, these are your thoughts, not mine.

I also didn't mention 'disallowing'.

Many other words and terms you have used later in your post point to being controlling too.

 

My opinion is that I agree with the two girls.

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No boyfriend tells me what I can and cannot do. I know how to conduct myself when I am in a relationship so I don't need 'his rules'.

 

I also have male friends that have been in my life for YEARS and as per you I should change my relationship with them because of a new boyfriend? I don't think so!

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While you worded your initial post a little poorly, I think those points are valid. That's what I'd expect in terms of communication from a partner too in regards to hanging out 1on1 with friends of the opposite sex. Not necessarily needing the information that they will hang out a few days in advance, but I'd like to know it is happening.

 

That doesn't mean my partner can't do what he likes; of course he can. Going to hang out 1on1 in his female friends house is just something that's crossing my boundaries so we'd have to discuss that and he if disagrees/is unwilling to compromise, I guess the relationship is over.

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LoveRefreshed

Some women here tend to get into arguments over such semantics as to what words technically mean. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess English may not be your native tongue. Some people forget about that aspect when they jump all over you on these topics.

 

 

 

If you phrased your question different, I have no doubt that girls would agree with you. For instance, had you said, "My boyfriend goes out for 1 on 1 meetings and has drinks with women and it makes me uncomfortable", they would certainly talk about what a manpig loser he is.

 

 

With that being said, better way of phrasing your question is maybe like

 

 

"I have no problems if my girlfriend wants to have 1 on 1 drinks with a man as long as she lets me know ahead of time, who she will be with, and careful not to let the atmosphere have a romantic ring to it, however, some of my female friends tell me this is controlling behavior"...

 

 

For me, I think you're setting natural and healthy boundaries, or at least explicitly defining the line where you become uncomfortable and disrespected in a relationship. I would also be weary of any one on one drinks with a guy until I knew the guys intentions and had already spent time with the two of them together or know something about their relationship (are they work friends? Does he ask her for a lot of relationship advice? or is he an orbiter hoping to get laid?) and if she didn't respect those boundaries, then I'd have to make the decision to trust her or split. Just the way it is. There is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable with that. I know a lot of girls who wouldn't want their man out one on one with another female. Hell, I've dated girls that question me about what women will be at a group event.

 

 

Best of luck, OP, but you don't really need to justify your feelings to your friends, now do you?

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One little twist: it are not female friends who have called me controlling, but my 2 former girlfriends did ... That's what made me wonder whether it had something to do with me.

 

Thank you for your linguistical understanding, English is indeed not my native language, and therefore i understand it can sound harsh if you look at the words, not the content :)

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Once again, I don't think 'one rule fits all' here can apply.

 

If her and her male friend have been hanging out in each other's house since the age of 13 yo? Male-female friendships are often born in childhood or teenage years. It feels more like a sibling relationships than anything else.

 

What is your definition of 'friends'?

 

Acquaintances, ex-online prospects she kept in touch with, males from work, Those are not 'friends'.

 

Friends are people that are part of your life and have been for a long time. They're like old furniture in your home. They feel like a sibling more than anything else.

 

If your girlfriend's best friend is a male and she's been best friend with him since kindergarten, and you're trying to install these rules on her it's not going to work. If you've been dating her for 6 months you have no business ruling her friendships of 20 years.

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I only needed to get this far.

I agree, you are controlling.

You are nitpicking his poor choice of words when he said "I allow", instead of discussing it in terms of mutual relationship boundaries in an exclusive relationship. As boundaries go, they do not sound controlling, and it is in fact common for many couple to have boundaries that would not "allow" going out for drinks alone with opposition sex friends.
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So , what prompted both of these ex's to say that you were controlling?

 

Is it always just over friends that they already had before they met you or were there other things that you did that made them feel like you were trying to control them?

 

Do you have any other 'rules' when in a relationship?

If so what are they?

More info would give a broader picture.

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LookAtThisPOst
Some women here tend to get into arguments over such semantics as to what words technically mean.

 

Agreed, the women on this site tend to get a little defensive or spin-off arguments over word usage/ semantics and judge you online that. From then on, the advice given is wound up being biased.

 

I'm sure "allowing" your g/f what to do is just a term not to be taken literally, but some do like to take things literally. I'm sure even the OP knows better that people do have free will and are going to do what they want.

 

Although, let's use "I'll question the nature of the meeting" as opposed to allowing. A better word would be acceptable or unacceptable or I'd "ask" you not to do meet the guy for drinks.

 

I'd ask things like, "Who is this guy to you?" "How did you meet him and what's the nature of the meeting?"

 

Things like that.

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My experience is women who were with me and wanted to stay with me wouldn't even consider drinks alone with a male friend.

 

Hence it was never an issue.

 

When they changed their mind about going out with guy friends alone is when all of sudden I became "controlling"

 

Personally I would never have drinks with a woman alone if I were with someone.

It's disrespectful.

I'd never date someone who didn't believe the same.

But I'd fwb them.

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So , what prompted both of these ex's to say that you were controlling?

 

Is it always just over friends that they already had before they met you or were there other things that you did that made them feel like you were trying to control them?

 

Do you have any other 'rules' when in a relationship?

If so what are they?

More info would give a broader picture.

 

First ex: i asked about a party she went to a few days before, since she didn't say anything about how it was/if she enjoyed herself/if she saw mutual friends or something like that ... she immediately started calling me controlling. I'm still not sure why.

 

second ex: constantly saying that i control her. I'm a jealous type, and if i tried to encourage her to meet a friend she had been putting off for a while, i was "just saying that to mask my true feelings about it".

 

It's always about guys she knew for about 3-5 years. I didn't ask to change her ways, it's just all about letting me know in advance.

 

The only other thing i have stated as a 'rule': i didn't want her to contact her ex'es (both of whom cheated on her, by the way) without my knowledge. She contacted one of them behind my back though.

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OK, so examples:

 

First ex: i asked about a party she went to a few days before, since she didn't say anything about how it was/if she enjoyed herself/if she saw mutual friends or something like that ... she immediately started calling me controlling. I'm still not sure why.

How did you ask the question?

Me, if I were asking him it'd be as soon as I was in contact and it would be a simple 'Did you have a good time?'.

He can then elaborate as he wishes.

If I had gone on to ask any of the following:

'were there any women there?'

'was your ex there?'

'did you speak to any of the women?'

'did you speak to your ex?'

Then I am being controlling due to my own insecurity and that isn't healthy.

Plus if I have been in contact with him since the party and I bring it up days later and ask about it then it's obvious I have been stewing on it - so I just ask if he had a good time right away, he tells me what happened and all is good.

I respect him and respect him to make good choices so I don't have any need to question his behaviour.

You probably won't believe what I am saying but it feels really disrespectful if my man who I am in a committed relationship with doesn't trust me and my integrity enough to think I was unable or too stupid to stop something happening if a male friend was just pretending to be a friend when he had other intentions.

 

 

second ex: constantly saying that i control her. I'm a jealous type, and if i tried to encourage her to meet a friend she had been putting off for a while, i was "just saying that to mask my true feelings about it".

You have just let on here you are a jealous type - be aware that this is more down to your own insecurity than anything else for one.

From her reaction I would say that there was some flippant tone used when you suggested they meet up or that you had had jealousy issues over her seeing him or her in the past.

If you don't really mean she should meet up with him or her then don't suggest it as it will be evident that you dislike it in your tone and body language.

 

It's always about guys she knew for about 3-5 years. I didn't ask to change her ways, it's just all about letting me know in advance.

So these are friends she has known in a while.

Even though you say you are the jealous type you really do have no issue whatsoever (please be 100% honest in your response here) if she were just to tell you on Wednesday that she is out with X on Friday?

 

The only other thing i have stated as a 'rule': i didn't want her to contact her ex'es (both of whom cheated on her, by the way) without my knowledge. She contacted one of them behind my back though.

OK, what was the reason that she contacted him?

Was it simply a 'happy birthday' or a 'hey, I found the book you loaned me, want it back?'.

Or was it 'I miss you and want to see you'?

 

I could reel off to you a whole host of controlling behaviours and words that my last ex had, none of which I 'imposed' upon him as rules.

For the record also, if a woman had posted exactly the same as you did in your first post I would have replied with the exact same thing. My views on it are not gender based at all.

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First ex: i asked about a party she went to a few days before, since she didn't say anything about how it was/if she enjoyed herself/if she saw mutual friends or something like that ... she immediately started calling me controlling. I'm still not sure why.

 

second ex: constantly saying that i control her. I'm a jealous type, and if i tried to encourage her to meet a friend she had been putting off for a while, i was "just saying that to mask my true feelings about it".

 

It's always about guys she knew for about 3-5 years. I didn't ask to change her ways, it's just all about letting me know in advance.

 

The only other thing i have stated as a 'rule': i didn't want her to contact her ex'es (both of whom cheated on her, by the way) without my knowledge. She contacted one of them behind my back though.

 

I see the problem.

And it is you.

You keep trying to turn ho's into housewives.

 

Both situations would be insta dump for me.

My girl goes to a party then doesn't tell me about it?

Huge red flag. What woman anywhere doesn't come home from a party with a mouthful of stories and gossip for her man?

Then calls you controlling? Lol

Buh-bye.

 

 

Any woman that contacts an ex that cheated on her while with a new guy is damaged goods period.

She probably lied about him cheating.

Which makes her even more screwed up.

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I only needed to get this far.

I agree, you are controlling.

 

^ made me laugh.

 

You're not controlling, cause you're not in control. You just want to be, so that inherently makes you just insecure. Why are you insecure about? Actually, a more appropriate question is what are you afraid of (Insecure/jealously being secondary emotions of fear)?

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second ex: constantly saying that i control her, I'm a jealous type, and if i tried to encourage her to meet a friend she had been putting off for a while, i was "just saying that to mask my true feelings about it".

 

She said that i was jealous, not me about myself. Sorry for the misunderstanding by the dot before "i'm a jealous type" above ;)

These are examples of how she constantly brought it up.

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We say "we aren't/are" things in order to affirm things that we are/aren't... usually. The Human psyche is weird that way.

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OK, so examples:

How did you ask the question?

Me, if I were asking him it'd be as soon as I was in contact and it would be a simple 'Did you have a good time?'.

He can then elaborate as he wishes.

If I had gone on to ask any of the following:

'were there any women there?'

'was your ex there?'

'did you speak to any of the women?'

'did you speak to your ex?'

Then I am being controlling due to my own insecurity and that isn't healthy.

Plus if I have been in contact with him since the party and I bring it up days later and ask about it then it's obvious I have been stewing on it - so I just ask if he had a good time right away, he tells me what happened and all is good.

I respect him and respect him to make good choices so I don't have any need to question his behaviour.

You probably won't believe what I am saying but it feels really disrespectful if my man who I am in a committed relationship with doesn't trust me and my integrity enough to think I was unable or too stupid to stop something happening if a male friend was just pretending to be a friend when he had other intentions.

 

The odd part is that i asked it in the "how did the party go, you were so quiet about it" way, including a :) at the ending. She justed went nuts at that, which is why i don't understand the deeper meaning of her reaction. She never explained.

 

You have just let on here you are a jealous type - be aware that this is more down to your own insecurity than anything else for one.

From her reaction I would say that there was some flippant tone used when you suggested they meet up or that you had had jealousy issues over her seeing him or her in the past.

If you don't really mean she should meet up with him or her then don't suggest it as it will be evident that you dislike it in your tone and body language.

 

So these are friends she has known in a while.

Even though you say you are the jealous type you really do have no issue whatsoever (please be 100% honest in your response here) if she were just to tell you on Wednesday that she is out with X on Friday?

 

Little miscommunication here (see post above). The only issues i had, were when she didn't tell anything about those plans ...

 

OK, what was the reason that she contacted him?

Was it simply a 'happy birthday' or a 'hey, I found the book you loaned me, want it back?'.

Or was it 'I miss you and want to see you'?

 

She missed him as a friend, and hated how she had treated him in the end.

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The odd part is that i asked it in the "how did the party go, you were so quiet about it" way, including a :) at the ending. She justed went nuts at that, which is why i don't understand the deeper meaning of her reaction. She never explained.

 

 

 

Little miscommunication here (see post above). The only issues i had, were when she didn't tell anything about those plans ...

 

She missed him as a friend, and hated how she had treated him in the end.

 

I've read back a little bit to other threads.

You appear to pick women who have probably not healed from bad relationships.

Are you a rescuer? Knight in shining armour who is nothing like the other guys?

 

Sorry though, your first post, I still stick with the opening thought I had.

You do seem to have a fantastic grasp of English going from this thread and the others I have read.

If those thoughts in your first post are 'actual' then I do think you have a controlling nature in relationships.

Also, it is common for controlling men to act the rescuer, put her on a pedestal and then set rules when she is just human, makes a mistake and falls off the pedestal.

 

Maybe look longer for a partner next time than picking the one you feel you can rescue.

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I've read back a little bit to other threads.

You appear to pick women who have probably not healed from bad relationships.

Are you a rescuer? Knight in shining armour who is nothing like the other guys?

 

Sorry though, your first post, I still stick with the opening thought I had.

You do seem to have a fantastic grasp of English going from this thread and the others I have read.

If those thoughts in your first post are 'actual' then I do think you have a controlling nature in relationships.

Also, it is common for controlling men to act the rescuer, put her on a pedestal and then set rules when she is just human, makes a mistake and falls off the pedestal.

 

Maybe look longer for a partner next time than picking the one you feel you can rescue.

 

I have been thinking about that. The constant thread appears to be that those women fall in love with me over time, usually they already were female friends, and they kind of make the first move themselves. I don't know if that's relevant to the "knight" resemblance, but i am starting to see ...

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To be really honest though, the most apparent thing to me here is that you didn't actually answer any of my direct questions. :)

My last ex was just the same in that way.

Funny that.

He was controlling and I know his ex's felt the same due to one single thing he told me in by mistake the last weekend I was with him.

That was the night he raised his hand to hit me. I ran and locked myself in the downstairs toilet.

 

Perhaps you are a great guy and perhaps you chose badly but your first post...still..I still agree with your 2 ex girlfriends.

I have tried to question and help but your reactions have been spot on the same as my ex in fairness.

 

This girl is #3 suggesting you are controlling.

There is a common denominator here.

Good luck!

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To be really honest though, the most apparent thing to me here is that you didn't actually answer any of my direct questions. :)

My last ex was just the same in that way.

Funny that.

He was controlling and I know his ex's felt the same due to one single thing he told me in by mistake the last weekend I was with him.

That was the night he raised his hand to hit me. I ran and locked myself in the downstairs toilet.

 

Perhaps you are a great guy and perhaps you chose badly but your first post...still..I still agree with your 2 ex girlfriends.

I have tried to question and help but your reactions have been spot on the same as my ex in fairness.

 

This girl is #3 suggesting you are controlling.

There is a common denominator here.

Good luck!

 

I'm sorry that happened to you, that has no longer anything to do with control, but with serious issues.

 

I appreciate your input though.

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The problem you have is that you cannot control women to behave the way you want them to.

If she wants to see her ex, she will see her ex, your rules will not stop her.

What will stop her is, if she has enough personal integrity to realise contacting her ex will hurt you and so she should not do it. Choose your women more carefully and stop trying to control people.

 

Jealous, controlling people are not attractive, you may be able to force some women to bow down to you and accept your rules for a while, but long term they will all run and hate you for it, as your history confirms.

 

She missed her ex, that should have told you "Walk away".

Trying to have relationships with people who are still invested in others is a total waste of your time.

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