Texting Anxiety Surrounding Second Date

[daisybuchanan55]

Hi everyone!

 

I'll try to keep it short: I rarely meet anyone I like, ever. I'm very picky.

 

Well, Saturday I met someone. We connected on a dating app and he took me on one of the best dates (dinner, really interesting art gallery, drinks) I've ever been on. We really, really hit it off and ended up staying out until 3am talking and making out.

 

He took me home and immediately texted me saying he had a blast and thank you for going out. I replied something similar. He texted again the next day saying he wanted to hang out again soon. I replied something like, "me too!"

 

Tuesday around 4 he asked if I wanted to grab dinner...so, pretty short notice. I didn't want to look overly-available so I pretended I was running into a meeting and told him I'd be done around 8. By the time I looked at my phone around 7:45, he'd given a million suggestions for dinner (like, seven texts in a row) then said maybe we should just do a different night and was actually pretty tired but he really wanted to hang out soon.

 

I replied asking if he was sure, I could still meet him and I wanted to hang out soon too. He replied yes, he was just going to make it an early night but he absolutely wanted to hang out soon.

 

I responded something funny and he didn't respond to it.

 

Now I'm a bag of nervous energy wondering when he's going to ask me out again.

 

Am I being crazy? How do I stop being so anxious? Do I have anything to be nervous about? What's going on here?

 

I should mention he's much older than me, has kids, is divorced, a busy job, etc...

 

HELP!

[losangelena]

Wait. You think just because you turned down his last-minute offer that he's never gonna offer again?

 

First off, if you somehow blew your chance, that's not the kind of man you want to be with. Maybe he was just looking for an easy lay, in which case good riddance.

 

Furthermore, you've now both established that you'd like to see each other again, so what is the point of continuing to talk about it? Read your last sentence—he is busy with a bunch of things. Give it a couple more days. You've been on one date! That is not enough time to get so excited about someone. I know it's hard, but reign it in a little bit, girl!

 

If you don't hear from him all weekend, then things are probably not so rosy.

[daisybuchanan55]

Thank you! I think he might have his kids this weekend so I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't hear from him...

 

UGH. I have SUCH anxiety when I like someone. What can I do to control it?!

[abby_tx]

Thank you! I think he might have his kids this weekend so I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't hear from him...

 

UGH. I have SUCH anxiety when I like someone. What can I do to control it?!

 

 

 

Therapy.

 

 

Just kidding. Busy yourself. I know it's hard. I'm the same way.

[Jj66]

If I tell you to chill out I might end up on a missing person report, but it's just a date and it's clear you liked each other. Don't worry, be happy

 

I've learned so much about people's insecurities by reading this site. I asked an acquaintance out for a drink after work and she told me she spent the whole day excited and stressed out about whether it was a date or not. It seems even a woman at 50 has all the insecurities of a teenage girl.

[joseb]

 

Therapy.

 

Just kidding. Busy yourself. I know it's hard. I'm the same way.

 

Well maybe if it's really bad Therapy might not be a bad idea.

Are you generally anxious about things?

 

Don't get ahead of yourself. It's been one date.

 

I'm not a fan of comments like "lets hang out soon" - when you are talking about meeting up, arrange a time.

[Qboro90]

Don't stess out over it. The fact that he texted you a million different suggestions about where you guys could get dinner shows that he can be perhaps more than a little over anxious, and perhaps even a bit clingy. Not sure if I'd jump to that conclusion just yet but might be something to keep in the back of your mind if you notice him doing other things that seem odd or a bit much to you.

 

He'll ask you out again don't worry. Don't feel the need to text him and explain whatsoever either. Last minute invite so he should know there was a high chance you wouldn't be able to drop everything you had going on just to accommodate his request to see you. If he doesn't text you tomorrow then by all means send him a "hey what's going on, how's your day goin" text. Don't overthink/analyze when to contact guys you like at this point. If you feel like talking to him text him to see what's up. The only thing I'd suggest is if you do that and he doesn't answer, Do Not send a second text. It's 2015 so there's no reason someone wouldn't answer a text unless they don't want to and/or just ignore it.

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone!

 

I'll try to keep it short: I rarely meet anyone I like, ever. I'm very picky.

 

Well, Saturday I met someone. We connected on a dating app and he took me on one of the best dates (dinner, really interesting art gallery, drinks) I've ever been on. We really, really hit it off and ended up staying out until 3am talking and making out.

 

He took me home and immediately texted me saying he had a blast and thank you for going out. I replied something similar. He texted again the next day saying he wanted to hang out again soon. I replied something like, "me too!"

 

Tuesday around 4 he asked if I wanted to grab dinner...so, pretty short notice. I didn't want to look overly-available so I pretended I was running into a meeting and told him I'd be done around 8. By the time I looked at my phone around 7:45, he'd given a million suggestions for dinner (like, seven texts in a row) then said maybe we should just do a different night and was actually pretty tired but he really wanted to hang out soon.

 

I replied asking if he was sure, I could still meet him and I wanted to hang out soon too. He replied yes, he was just going to make it an early night but he absolutely wanted to hang out soon.

 

I responded something funny and he didn't respond to it.

 

Now I'm a bag of nervous energy wondering when he's going to ask me out again.

 

Am I being crazy? How do I stop being so anxious? Do I have anything to be nervous about? What's going on here?

 

I should mention he's much older than me, has kids, is divorced, a busy job, etc...

 

HELP!

 

he's much older than me, has kids, is divorced, a busy job -- At this moment you know one thing -- what his priorities are and likely will be. The fact that he didn't respond to one text YET, may mean that one of those two things is interfering. You are already stressing over one text and after only two dates? You gotta get this kind of thing under control right now.

 

You stop thinking about it and let things happen as they will. Be focused on yourself and your needs and keep moving. Let this guy show you what his interest level is . . . don't reach out to him again. Let him come to you first for quite a while. Be receptive and responsive, but don't initiate much if at all for a few more dates at least.

[candie13]

Relax. Don't act desperate. Don't show him that you like him too much.

 

Keep it together and let him breathe. There is no force on this Universe stopping a man from seeing a woman he likes .

 

Really, realize that in this precise moment, you are potentially your own worst enemy, ok ?

[fitnessfan365]

Actually, I think it worked out in you favor.

 

What you don't want is someone thinking you're available at their beck and call. So by not accepting his extremely last minute invite, you're letting him know he has to plan w-you in advance. If he tries it again, I'd decline but tell him you're free 2-3 days later.

[RebelWithoutACause]

An invite at 4PM is too last minute for a second date. He had 2 days (Sun and Mon) to ask you out for Tues evening but he didn't.

What's even more bizarre is why he cancelled at the last moment.

 

He's either the player type and is juggling women or he's super clueless when it comes to dating...But what he did was not very gentlemanly.

 

UGH. I have SUCH anxiety when I like someone. What can I do to control it?!

 

I know it's difficult but don't get ahead of yourself. You really don't know him.

Wait to see if he extends another invitation, hopefully a proper one this one, and go from there.

And definitely don't ask him out first, he cancelled his own plans last time, it's up to him to set up new ones.

[smackie9]

You had one date and you are bubbling over with anxiety??? Nothing is written stone that this is going to turn into something so never invest yourself emotionally until you get to date 4 or 5 or the anxiety will continue to repeat itself ruining the experience of getting to know someone.

[Gary S]

An invite at 4PM is too last minute for a second date. He had 2 days (Sun and Mon) to ask you out for Tues evening but he didn't.

What's even more bizarre is why he cancelled at the last moment.

 

He's either the player type and is juggling women or he's super clueless when it comes to dating...But what he did was not very gentlemanly.

 

 

 

I know it's difficult but don't get ahead of yourself. You really don't know him.

Wait to see if he extends another invitation, hopefully a proper one this one, and go from there.

And definitely don't ask him out first, he cancelled his own plans last time, it's up to him to set up new ones.

 

- This is excellent advice......... asking you out for a third date only a few hours ahead of time was rude.....a gentleman knows he should give a woman 24 hours notice in the beginning........ladies have to have time to do their hair, nails, and pick out their cloths.......it's a lot of work bein' a hottie!!

[daisybuchanan55]

Thanks everyone for your replies! I really appreciate it!

 

I still haven't heard anything which is making me NERVOUS. I had something similar happen to me a few years ago which might contributing to the anxiety...go on one date with a divorced (well, separated) dad, it goes GREAT, non-stop texting, and then...GHOST.

 

The ghosting really does a number on your psyche. I'm really nervous something like that is going to happen this time. It's the NOT KNOWING that kills you, and I'm overanalyzing every interaction, his "patterns"...

 

The reality is, though, I know I didn't say anything weird in my last text (ran it past several people) sooo...I guess there's nothing I can do? Ugh. I hate this.

[daisybuchanan55]

Well guys, it's Monday and still no text...so, six days. I'm really not understanding what is going on here? Why would a man act super interested, ask you out and then completely ghost after you were unable to make the date? I was SO NICE in my responses.

[smackie9]

It's possible he is multi dating, or wants to rekindle a relationship with an ex, or he met someone he has more of an interest in....can go on and on.

 

What do you prefer? Him telling you he isn't interested, didn't feel a connection, good luck meeting mr. right? Or would you rather not want to know that he wasn't that into you? And by not contacting you means he's moved on.

 

Was having this argument on another thread.....the OP got annoyed that he contacted her a week later to tell her he wasn't interested, blah blah blah.

[losangelena]

That sucks, OP.

 

I am 100% sure it has nothing to do with how nice you were in your responses, or that it has anything to do with you at all. In the beginning it's hard to gauge what someone's intentions are, and whether or not they're genuine in their interest. To me, it sounds like maybe he was looking for an easy lay—treating you to an extravagant first date, asking for a second date last-minute—and when it got to be too complicated (you had to reschedule), he decided to look somewhere easier. Maybe I'm off base here, but that's what it sounds like has happened.

 

Generally speaking, I tend to find that keeping your feelings in check in the beginning is a good protective strategy. Yes, it's nice to be treated well by a man, but it's one thing to be treated nicely because someone genuinely likes you, and something else to be treated nicely because someone has an agenda with you. It takes time to discern the difference.

 

I would say this guy has done you a favor by leaving you alone. He's wishy-washy at best, and you are clearly not a priority. As much as it sucks, move on.

[daisybuchanan55]

Haha, honestly I'd rather have him tell me why he's over it! I can handle rejection. It's the not knowing that's KILLING ME!

 

@losangelena...I thought the same thing, but then...his follow-up texts were all so eager and polite!

 

I am still holding out hope he was just busy with his kid this weekend or on a biz trip or something. Really strange/bizarre and disappointing otherwise. I literally NEVER like anyone and then this happens!

[Vintage79]

Well guys, it's Monday and still no text...so, six days. I'm really not understanding what is going on here? Why would a man act super interested, ask you out and then completely ghost after you were unable to make the date? I was SO NICE in my responses.

 

Hmm - making up stories about being busy doesn't sound like the best course of action any more now does it? If I caught wind of someone making up excuses, I'd pass - at a minimum, just tell him no, but another day would be good. You should have suggested another day since you were pretending to be busy or responded to him before he sent 7 text messages. Yes, 7 text messages is extreme, and suggests that you may not want to be involved with that guy, but if you're interested, you really were projecting that his direction - I'm assuming that you haven't contacted him since?

 

So the situation:

1. You tell him you're interested

2. You make up an excuse not to see him when you're available

3. You don't follow-up with him to suggest another day

4. You don't respond to his texts when he's trying to get something set up with you

5. You haven't reached out to him in almost a week

 

Seriously - you don't even project being even marginally interested, regardless of whether or not you are - someone communicating in that way would be pretty easy to walk away from and not think twice about...

[Empyrea]

So you haven't texted at all these 6 days? Did you hit him up with a quick how are you? I think it's too early in the "relationship" (for lack of a better word) to expect to go on dates every week or super regularly, let it build some momentum. But I think it's still good to keep the lines of communication open in between dates. He could very well be busy with his kids, but there's no reason he shouldn't be able to answer your "how's it going" text at least by the kids' bedtime

 

I know it can be really easy to get stuck "playing the game" at this early stage. You're so clear about you being interested and worried about not appearing too eager that you forget that it might not be so obvious from the other side and that if you like someone it's actually natural to be curious about them and ask what they've been up to. It doesn't always have to be the guy that initiates. At this point, you have nothing to lose.

 

PS Do you have any idea why your previous single daddy dropped off the face of the earth?

Edited August 17, 2015 by Empyrea

[Vintage79]

So you haven't texted at all these 6 days? Did you hit him up with a quick how are you? I think it's too early in the "relationship" (for lack of a better word) to expect to go on dates every week or super regularly, let it build some momentum. But I think it's still good to keep the lines of communication open in between dates. He could very well be busy with his kids, but there's no reason he shouldn't be able to answer your "how's it going" text at least by the kids' bedtime

 

Do you have any idea why your previous single daddy dropped off the face of the earth?

 

In first dating someone, I usually try to see them once a week - twice at the most, but once a week seems to be the norm. I think a lot of people would say the same...less than that, and you kind of forget who the other person is...

[Lois_Griffin]

Don't know why you'd waste your time with a 'much older man' whose divorced with kids and all the drama that comes with it.

 

Sounds as though he did you a favor. You just don't know it yet.

[daisybuchanan55]

Wait...what?!

 

I'm supposed to text HIM?!?! WHAT!

 

He thinks I'm not interested? HUH? WTF!

 

How is that even possible? Because I didn't suggest another day? He was the one who said he was too tired! Isn't it his job to reschedule?

[daisybuchanan55]

And yes, re: the other daddy...

 

He was a famous actor (I live in NY) and started boinking someone I work with.

 

Can't make this stuff up.

 

Oh, and then his WIFE called up our workplace. Apparently he wasn't even divorced yet...

[daisybuchanan55]

Hi guys!

 

So, just an update with ANOTHER question regarding the same guy...

 

He ended up texting me to say he was going to a concert with his parents Thursday (last night) but could we meet up for a drink after? I said sure, I had a dinner that night and to text me when he was out of the concert.

 

Well, dinner ends, it's around 11:30, I know the concert is over and NO TEXT. I'm really freaking out and getting upset so I decide to go home.

 

On my way home he texts.

 

"Hey!! Sorry, concert went really late and then had to help my parents get out of the place and get home, they're really slow! Anyhow I'm sure it's too late to meet up now but we should try and do something soon, maybe next week."

 

I respond that I'm still out and could grab a quick drink. He responds that he would love to meet up but has to admit he is "SO spent" and didn't sleep well the night before so he's going to go to bed.

 

I reply something funny, sounds good, let's definitely meet up next week.

 

He responds "Sounds good cutie."

 

I just don't know what to make of this anymore. I have been so screwed over by so many guys like this (wealthy, handsome, powerful) that I feel myself turning into a bitter cat lady who always assumes the worst.

 

Anyone have ideas on what his intentions are? Should I forget him and move on? I thought waiting so late to text me was SO RUDE, but then again, I DID say "text me when the concert is over"...