My trust issues

[Nina1995]

I have been in two previous relationship in which both men have lied, cheated and controlled me. I would always catch them out on their lies and one very common one was porn related. It controlled them to the point that it effected our relationship, I was no longer good enough for them and they lost interest very quickly, I can't compete with perfect woman. My body is full of flaws just like any other "normal" person. Knowing that when I went to the bathroom, had shower, left the room for five minutes or even fell asleep hugging them that they would take that split second opportunity to watch porn and wank of really hurt me. I sat down with both me and tried to explain how I felt about what was happening, that I don't mind them watching porn but not every second that I wasn't looking and most definitely please don't lie to me about it. That betrayal hurt's the most. Both me kept lying and continued to treat me worse and worse until I left. the first was a 4 year relationship the second 2 years and now I am in a new relationship, we have been together a month and the first week I was with him I told him about my past experiences and how the lying was what hurt me, he then proceeded to delete his collection of porn following it up by saying "I don't need this now I've got you". I didn't see it as necessary but I was still flattered that he did it anyway as I am assuming any woman that had been through what I have would be. However checking on our downloads (I was downloading GoT) I noticed about 10 porn downloads that he had started last week and had just been completed. It hurt. Like a knife to the gut. So he is just another guy who lies to make you feel better. I pushed it to the back of my head and ignored it, he is a guy after all and I refuse to control him based of what my previous relationships were like, however I just went to take the rubbish out this morning and as I came back in I seen him scrolling through porn, he quickly changed tabs and acted casual and calm I just assumed I was seeing things but quickly scanning the tabs I noticed three familiar porn tabs open and I felt something break inside of me. Less than five minutes I had been gone and he was looking at porn, every pain I had felt over the last 6 years came flooding back, the loneliness, the depression, the pain and the hurt. There was so much agony over the last relationships that I don't know if I can go through that again, what if it turns out like last time? what if the lying escalates? what exactly is it that I do that is so unsatisfactory that porn is the only thing they feel that they can turn to. I am understanding, I am honest about how I feel and I just wanted him to be honest to me. I wanted more than anything for him to be the one that will no longer lie to me, to prove that not all men are like this. Am I over reacting? Is it okay for me to hurt over this? or am I just crazy?

[TunaInTheBrine]

You're not crazy. You're having a sane reaction to an insane situation. Save the straight jacket, girl.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. The porn industry is ubiquitous in our culture. It creates lots of relationship problems, many of which often go undetected. Although it is quite normal (maybe not health, but normal) to regularly watch pornography, it can alter our perceptions of what sex is. Sometimes, people who consume porn regularly wind up dissociating from the actual experience of sex while they're having it, because it feels foreign to the mental representation of sex they created in their heads through porn.

 

The best thing you can do is to talk with your partners about pornography and sex, how its used and how you feel about it. A man who is invested in his relationship with you will be willing to do the work to keep your sex life and relationship healthy, whether that means reducing pornography usage, seeing a therapist for porn addiction, or being more open about his pornography use with you. There needs to be better transparency and a commitment to the relationship with you.

 

There are no guarantees in life, and relationships do bring a lot of uncertainty. I think it would be unfortunate if you were to close yourself off from future opportunities at intimacy. You need some time right now to grieve and heal, and that's okay. You are hurt. Keep an eye on yourself and ask for social supports, and revisit your feelings about relationships a little down the road. If nothing has changed and you think there may be a more serious trust problem, see a therapist. There are men in this world who will want to have a relationship with you more than pornography.

[Redhead14]

I have been in two previous relationship in which both men have lied, cheated and controlled me. I would always catch them out on their lies and one very common one was porn related. It controlled them to the point that it effected our relationship, I was no longer good enough for them and they lost interest very quickly, I can't compete with perfect woman. My body is full of flaws just like any other "normal" person. Knowing that when I went to the bathroom, had shower, left the room for five minutes or even fell asleep hugging them that they would take that split second opportunity to watch porn and wank of really hurt me. I sat down with both me and tried to explain how I felt about what was happening, that I don't mind them watching porn but not every second that I wasn't looking and most definitely please don't lie to me about it. That betrayal hurt's the most. Both me kept lying and continued to treat me worse and worse until I left. the first was a 4 year relationship the second 2 years and now I am in a new relationship, we have been together a month and the first week I was with him I told him about my past experiences and how the lying was what hurt me, he then proceeded to delete his collection of porn following it up by saying "I don't need this now I've got you". I didn't see it as necessary but I was still flattered that he did it anyway as I am assuming any woman that had been through what I have would be. However checking on our downloads (I was downloading GoT) I noticed about 10 porn downloads that he had started last week and had just been completed. It hurt. Like a knife to the gut. So he is just another guy who lies to make you feel better. I pushed it to the back of my head and ignored it, he is a guy after all and I refuse to control him based of what my previous relationships were like, however I just went to take the rubbish out this morning and as I came back in I seen him scrolling through porn, he quickly changed tabs and acted casual and calm I just assumed I was seeing things but quickly scanning the tabs I noticed three familiar porn tabs open and I felt something break inside of me. Less than five minutes I had been gone and he was looking at porn, every pain I had felt over the last 6 years came flooding back, the loneliness, the depression, the pain and the hurt. There was so much agony over the last relationships that I don't know if I can go through that again, what if it turns out like last time? what if the lying escalates? what exactly is it that I do that is so unsatisfactory that porn is the only thing they feel that they can turn to. I am understanding, I am honest about how I feel and I just wanted him to be honest to me. I wanted more than anything for him to be the one that will no longer lie to me, to prove that not all men are like this. Am I over reacting? Is it okay for me to hurt over this? or am I just crazy?

 

Of course it's ok to be hurt over this. Your feelings are your feelings you can't control what feelings you get or have. What you can do it control what you do with them. And, that is, you communicate your needs in a direct and calm manner. If your partner truly cares for you and your feelings, they will make the attempt to honor them. You state your needs and feelings and you leave them at their doorstep. You give it a little time to see if they are making that attempt, if at all. If they don't, you tell them you're moving on. Focus on how all this is making you feel. It doesn't feel good.

 

This man isn't meeting your needs after you've expressed them. He lied, gave you the illusion of compliance. It's time to move on. Focus on your needs always. You can't change him, all you can do is change how you handle these things. Don't repeat history. It's very early in this dating scenario. He's showing you already that he can't or doesn't want to meet your needs. End it now.

[BluEyeL]

All men look at porn. I don't think you'll find anyone who wouldn't. When it's excessive it's a problem. If a man promises he'll never look at porn again, he can't be truthful. So I don't know...maybe just watch if he's honest in other areas of your relationship and make sure his porn use is not excessive. Not sure why you find the same type all over again?

[BluEyeL]

BTW, I also watch porn, and I'm a woman. Just maybe twice a month not twice an hour.

[Nina1995]

I also watch porn as I said it isn't that he watches porn it's the fear that it will control him like the others and the fact that he went out of his way to lie to me. I talked to him about it and he was very remorseful and apologetic I explain that I don't have a problem with him watching porn because I enjoy watching it too, I prefer that he doesn't do it every spare three seconds without me in the room and to never lie about it again. He agreed that it seemed fair and that he had no reason to hide it from me because I was understanding and accepting. He also said that he felt that he had let me down by lying (he already knew about my past two relationships) and he did promise to never replace me with porn like my last two relationships. I am just happy he took the time to talk to me like a responsible adult and consider my feelings as well.