Driving me insane

[sacg]

Well I'm back again. Never really wanted to post here, but here I am. Got quite a lot of support the last time around, so thought I'd give it a shot with my current issues.

 

So after the last dramatic split (all on here) i stayed single for 4 years. Was happy that way, then I met my current woman. We met through common interests and started a friendship that developed into a relationship. She was everything i wanted in a woman. Strong, indapendant, beautiful, confident, although sometimes I thought with slightly narcistic traits. Early on she could be quite aggressive and damn right rude, which i found confusing so early in a relationship. Maybe then I should have left. But i was falling for her, and brushed this aside.

 

As the confusion was driving me nuts as to how she was acting around us so early on I did the worst thing i could have done and started being an amateur sleuth in order to find answers. Big mistake looking back. I knew she had a serious boyfriend a few years back, so i looked back over her FB page (I know, a big no no) to see how they got along. I dont really know what i was looking for. But i guess i wanted to see if she was as volatile with him. She wasnt! Or so it seemed on FB. All her posts were about her missing her baby, cant wait to see her baby, even posts insinuating that theyre sex life was full on and amazing. the fact she found her "match" and liked it! etc, etc. All the things i seemed to not be getting from her.

 

Then the real head mash started. Id sown the seed! I would start to compare myself to him, and started to feel like i wasnt good enough. It didnt help her saying to me that i needed to be bigger, as i was quite slim. That my hair needed to be different, how i dressed, etc.

 

In the early days of our relationship, the sex was great. But even that i never truly felt like i was satisfying her. I started to have self doubt. And thats when the comparisons kicked in. We havent truly made lover in over 5 weeks now into a 9 month relationship. But this could be down to the constant friction, of which I think this issue is having a massive impact. But im even putting this down to that fact she just doesnt want me like she should

 

So here i currently am. My mind is going insane with all these comparisons and doubt, the real thought that I am not the kind of man she really truly wants (im very different to him), that I dont believe i get the love from her that she showed him. That she doesnt desire me in a way she did him. I feel like I'm just not good enough!

 

I have mentioned this to her. And to be expected, she goes mental at me bringing up her past. I kind of get that. But my issue isnt with him as such, its with the fact i dont think Im what she truly wants. And she refuses to, as she says, validate me by discussing it or letting me now how she feels about me. I should be strong enough and man enough to just be secure. Obviously Im not!

 

To close this. My point in posting is obviously to get some opinions. But i know I need to address this or i will have to walk away. Shes even said if you cant deal with it, then we wont survive. She even comes across so matter of fact about that and its like she could take it or leave it. Its driving me nuts and i have no idea how to resolve.

 

Just to add. I know woman want strong confident men. And i am, thats why we got together. But im losing that now, I know I am, and I know I will push her away to if i dont address this. It like a catch 22 situation.

Edited June 20, 2015 by sacg

[GemmaUK]

Early on she could be quite aggressive and damn right rude, which i found confusing so early in a relationship. Maybe then I should have left. But i was falling for her, and brushed this aside.

 

Aside from all else, this was your mistake.

Never brush an instinct aside.

Always go with your gut.

 

You need out and quick.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, your girlfriend kind of sounds like a jerk. You described her as aggressive and sometimes just plain rude. She tells you how you should change. (I am guessing you're much kinder to her) You don't feel good in this relationship, and her behavior certainly isn't helping. Why are you staying? I don't think you're what she wants, I agree. I have a feeling she'd be gone if another guy more "suited" to her comes along. After just 9 months, you shouldn't be feeling so down and I don't think it's all because of any insecurity you have - she doesn't seem like a very good partner.

 

For what it's worth, don't ever take FB to be an accurate reflection of reality. She (and everyone else on there) knows how to paint a pretty picture, but you have no idea what life is like behind the screen.

[elaine567]

Relationship is on the slide.

You know this I guess she knows this and unless you get your confidence back and actively get back on board, she is going to end it.

 

I do not like the fact she is rude and aggressive to you, unless you feel you deserved it maybe by your actions towards her.

No one wants to end up walking on eggshells.

No sex for 5 weeks in a 9 month relationship is not good either. Does she actually reject you? Or are you just not getting that close that sex is on the cards?

 

Of course she may be on the way out anyway, be prepared for that.

 

BTW did she dump the ex or did he dump her, how long were they going out and how long had they split before you met her?

[sacg]

Thanks for the responses guys.

 

Relationship is on the slide.

You know this I guess she knows this and unless you get your confidence back and actively get back on board, she is going to end it.

I do not like the fact she is rude and aggressive to you, unless you feel you deserved it maybe by your actions towards her.

No one wants to end up walking on eggshells.

No sex for 5 weeks in a 9 month relationship is not good either. Does she actually reject you? Or are you just not getting that close that sex is on the cards?

 

Of course she may be on the way out anyway, be prepared for that.

 

BTW did she dump the ex or did he dump her, how long were they going out and how long had they split before you met her?

 

I also thought without me getting my **** together she may well walk anyway.

 

No, i didnt really do anything to receive the anger. Thats why it was so confusing so early on. I couldnt understand where that would come from? I was still in that very lovey dovey phase.

 

There have been other reasons for the less sex. Arguing, tired etc. I am also to blame i guess. And we did have sex in that time, but to me it was just a quickie, not love making or any real passion, if you get me. But then i start to read into that. She'll respond with, "thats all you think about, or want" which isnt true. Or her latest was "sex is a bonus"!

 

They split over 3 years ago, was only together 2 years i believe. The strange thing is, he finished it, and went to their flat when she wasnt there to get his stuff. Why would a man do that?

Edited June 20, 2015 by sacg

[elaine567]

If she was dumped, then she may be pretty insecure and worried that you are going to do the same, so is distancing herself from you, and she could also be transferring her anger at him for dumping her onto you too.

"Sex is a bonus!" is not great news if I am honest, but she may have been in a bad place and just wanted to lash out. May be she felt he just used her for sex, and she is triggering now.

 

Him moving his stuff out when she wasn't there, could be because he just didn't want to face her upset, her sadness or her anger after he finished it. Some people do not want to face up to the consequences of their actions, so find it easier to just sneak off. Or she was indeed emotionally abusive and he HAD to make sure he could get a clean getaway.

 

Personally if you want her, then start wooing her again, like you did when you were first dating. Start rebuilding the connection. organise dates taking into consideration her work schedule too, and make time to see her and do stuff together. Once you reconnect emotionally, the sex will flow.

 

If she doesn't want to play that game and is still cold and/or angry with you, and you have discussed it and she still doesn't play fair, then I think you need to break it up before she does.