Frustrated daters. How to break patterns?

[No_Go]

In my relationship that I am questioning recently, we ended up in a pattern that prevents proper communication:

- we ask each other are we frustrated with the other (we both visibly are) and both say we'll say if it happens (read: if it gets REAL bad)

- aforementioned asking happens: in bed before sleep, after sex, while we watch TV i.e. the usual dinner routine, before big date out (i.e. times completely inappropriate for a "talk")

 

Having been participating in "happy events" with him however, do not make me happy, or build memories as he says. I need proper deep communication, in which I can also raise my concerns with him.

 

How to break the routine and learn to communicate with him? I feel like if Iask him out and specifically emphasize that we'll talk serious business, he'll understand it as if i'm initiating break up. I don't know how to proceed if I am to save the relationship.

[empresario]

In my relationship that I am questioning recently, we ended up in a pattern that prevents proper communication:

- we ask each other are we frustrated with the other (we both visibly are) and both say we'll say if it happens (read: if it gets REAL bad)

- aforementioned asking happens: in bed before sleep, after sex, while we watch TV i.e. the usual dinner routine, before big date out (i.e. times completely inappropriate for a "talk")

 

Having been participating in "happy events" with him however, do not make me happy, or build memories as he says. I need proper deep communication, in which I can also raise my concerns with him.

 

How to break the routine and learn to communicate with him? I feel like if Iask him out and specifically emphasize that we'll talk serious business, he'll understand it as if i'm initiating break up. I don't know how to proceed if I am to save the relationship.

 

If I understand...

 

 

You are frustrated because you both only want to talk about serious things when it's not the right time?

 

 

In business, and I found the same thing in my relationships...when there's a problem you have to keep asking 'why is it a problem' and 'what is the real problem' until it boils down to a noun.

 

 

Why are you two unable to communicate? Are you both emotionally reserved? Which one? Why is that person reserved? Past trauma? Who caused that trauma? An ex? Are they still in love with that ex? This isn't to imply that is the line of questioning that will find the resolution. It's an example of how these things usually go.

 

 

You can't solve a problem, statistically, until you ask why at least 5 times. You end up sounding like a toddler in a car aiming to annoy their parent...but it does work.

 

 

You are describing a base-line problem. You need to figure out what the REAL issue is that causes the miscommunication.

[Redhead14]

In my relationship that I am questioning recently, we ended up in a pattern that prevents proper communication:

- we ask each other are we frustrated with the other (we both visibly are) and both say we'll say if it happens (read: if it gets REAL bad)

- aforementioned asking happens: in bed before sleep, after sex, while we watch TV i.e. the usual dinner routine, before big date out (i.e. times completely inappropriate for a "talk")

 

Having been participating in "happy events" with him however, do not make me happy, or build memories as he says. I need proper deep communication, in which I can also raise my concerns with him.

 

How to break the routine and learn to communicate with him? I feel like if Iask him out and specifically emphasize that we'll talk serious business, he'll understand it as if i'm initiating break up. I don't know how to proceed if I am to save the relationship.

 

You open a light, casual conversation while you are doing something casual, at dinner is OK as long as it's approached in a light way. You say, "I've been thinking about Xthing or Xthing has been bothering me. I'd like it if we could sit down and talk about how we can work together on it. When would be a good time for you? We don't have to do it now.

 

It's about not pressuring him whenever you bring it up. State your concern and step back a little.

Edited June 18, 2015 by Redhead14

[misspond]

In my relationship that I am questioning recently, we ended up in a pattern that prevents proper communication:

- we ask each other are we frustrated with the other (we both visibly are) and both say we'll say if it happens (read: if it gets REAL bad)

- aforementioned asking happens: in bed before sleep, after sex, while we watch TV i.e. the usual dinner routine, before big date out (i.e. times completely inappropriate for a "talk")

 

Having been participating in "happy events" with him however, do not make me happy, or build memories as he says. I need proper deep communication, in which I can also raise my concerns with him.

 

How to break the routine and learn to communicate with him? I feel like if Iask him out and specifically emphasize that we'll talk serious business, he'll understand it as if i'm initiating break up. I don't know how to proceed if I am to save the relationship.

 

There's no good time for this conversation. Bring it up when you're happy to and accept that he might not be open to discussing it there and then.

 

The only time I was able to being up, "the elephant in the room" my (now) ex only discussed it when he was happy to (as in when he had found another woman to run to). I had tried to discuss our problems at least six times by then.

 

None of this bodes well. Bring it up as many times as you need to because not all adults are able to discuss these matters at the same time. Good luck, it's never easy.

[No_Go]

You nailed it down - the wrong timing, that's it. More than 5 times... hm, I'll remember that for work too.

 

On your other questions:

 

* Why are you two unable to communicate? -I think because we are both in our thirties, and don't have had many relationships before our current one (I had only 2 before him, and sadly, both turned to be emotionally unhealthy).

 

* Are you both emotionally reserved? Which one? Why is that person reserved? Past trauma? Who caused that trauma? Both. He had frustrating experiences with family and in his community. I had frustrating experiences with family, exes and bosses.

 

* An ex? Are they still in love with that ex? -no feelings for exes from my side, and from his to my knowledge. But my previous relationship was so abusive, that it makes me guarded.

 

If I understand...

 

 

You are frustrated because you both only want to talk about serious things when it's not the right time?

 

 

In business, and I found the same thing in my relationships...when there's a problem you have to keep asking 'why is it a problem' and 'what is the real problem' until it boils down to a noun.

 

 

Why are you two unable to communicate? Are you both emotionally reserved? Which one? Why is that person reserved? Past trauma? Who caused that trauma? An ex? Are they still in love with that ex? This isn't to imply that is the line of questioning that will find the resolution. It's an example of how these things usually go.

 

 

You can't solve a problem, statistically, until you ask why at least 5 times. You end up sounding like a toddler in a car aiming to annoy their parent...but it does work.

 

 

You are describing a base-line problem. You need to figure out what the REAL issue is that causes the miscommunication.

[No_Go]

I've been finally able to communicate my concerns related to our relationship with my bf (issues are mainly related to spending too much money and also too little time in my house), but probably because I sugar coated the talk, his response was "But it has been working as it is so far. I never though there was an issue". He also appeared a little frustrated after our conversation.

 

In that sense: shall I just keep quiet for a while to let him process? Or remind him after some time about our conversation, and be more direct? Or actively start changing the things that I don't like if the communication doesn't work?

 

In my relationship that I am questioning recently, we ended up in a pattern that prevents proper communication:

- we ask each other are we frustrated with the other (we both visibly are) and both say we'll say if it happens (read: if it gets REAL bad)

- aforementioned asking happens: in bed before sleep, after sex, while we watch TV i.e. the usual dinner routine, before big date out (i.e. times completely inappropriate for a "talk")

 

Having been participating in "happy events" with him however, do not make me happy, or build memories as he says. I need proper deep communication, in which I can also raise my concerns with him.

 

How to break the routine and learn to communicate with him? I feel like if Iask him out and specifically emphasize that we'll talk serious business, he'll understand it as if i'm initiating break up. I don't know how to proceed if I am to save the relationship.

[Gaeta]

I've been finally able to communicate my concerns related to our relationship with my bf (issues are mainly related to spending too much money and also too little time in my house), but probably because I sugar coated the talk, his response was "But it has been working as it is so far. I never though there was an issue". He also appeared a little frustrated after our conversation.

 

In that sense: shall I just keep quiet for a while to let him process? Or remind him after some time about our conversation, and be more direct? Or actively start changing the things that I don't like if the communication doesn't work?

 

I was listening to this really interesting shrink on radio. He said people think that communicating is about talking and expressing frustrations, it's not, it's about listening really listening. Most of the time we speak up then while the other person is replying we don't offer our full attention we're already working on our next reply.

 

People also think that if you've communicated successfully than their partner will agree with them. Wrong.

 

Your boyfriend heard you. He also told you he is happy just the way things are. Have you listened? Is your idea of communication is to convince him to think like you? If you want a compromise than flat out ask for one. Honey! I miss being in my home I want at least 2 night out of the week at my place. Done!