Dealing with past arguments always being brought up and hurt from critical arguments?

[georgewoo]

I've been dating and living with my girlfriend (until recently) for about 7 years now and we've been having problems with:

 

1) Me being too critical during arguments,

 

and

 

2) her always bringing up the past and avalanching it on me in all fights, which she justifies because it relates to a past issue.

 

I explained it to her that: I am a big believer in fairness in all things that I do, but it is very difficult to be non-critical when you are outraged by something that you find is unacceptable for your significant other to do.

 

For example:

For my girlfriend's birthday one month ago (we were engaged at that point), she went drinking and eating with her male boss one on one for 5 hours at two different restaurants on a Monday night and got home at 11pm. She told me that she was going with her boss, and told me it is okay because she kept me in the loop the entire time she was there.

 

After their dinner, her boss followed up with flirty texts saying:

 

- He's sorry he blew our her birthday candles because he doesn't get out much.

- He "really enjoys her company a lot" and they should celebrate her birthday more often.

 

After waiting one day, I told her it is a deal breaker for me for her to continue all these outside of work activities with her male boss including: weekly one on one lunches and coffee--- especially when her boss clearly likes her based on the things he says to her at work, the $160 he spent on her for her birthday dinner, and the 5 hours he spent with her on a monday night knowing that she has a fiance.

 

She argued that it is part of her weekly routine, and she finds her lunches fun because she can get away from the office. She then said it was like she is losing a friend if she doesn't go to lunch or coffee with her boss and she does not have any friends. I said she can always go take another person from the workplace with her, and she said there's no one else to take with them.

 

She said that it is too controlling to make it a deal breaker for her to go to lunch or coffee with her boss one on on one.

 

I told her then well if your fun is more important than your relationship with me then I will just do my own thing.

 

Fast forward, we fight all week about it, and the Friday immediately after the monday when she went out, we get into an argument about how I think she should take her attorney bar exam because she will remove herself from that job situation and make more than $24 an hour.

 

She then said she can't deal with my critical arguments of her anymore and i've been critical in so many arguments we've had and it hasn't changed in 7 years and people should never have these type of critical arguments.

 

So she said she wants to break off the engagement and take a step back where we are just dating each other.

 

It is absolutely impossible to not be critical in situations like this.

 

In regards to her one on one lunches with her boss, I settled with: I want her to do whatever makes her happy but I wanted to warn her that "work spouse syndrome" is a real thing, and even though she may go to lunch or dinner with innocent intentions, she's giving her male boss who clearly likes her many opportunities one on one to build emotional rapport by doing so many one on one lunches and coffee runs together.

 

Do you have any advice on how I should handle this matter about her thinking that i'm unjustified to be critical in situations?

 

And how do I heal her past hurt of 7 years worth of critical arguments that she is holding against me?

 

Thank you so much for your time and help

[ExpatInItaly]

Dude. She went on a full-blown date. With her boss. For her birthday.

 

She continues to see him outside of work after said date.

 

Now she is telling you that she doesn't like your controlling nature and wants to end the engagement.

 

And you're here asking how to stop being critical? This is ass-backwards. OP, look at the facts here. She is into this guy. He is into her. And she has just dialed down the level of commitment to you. This isn't a good sign at all. How can you possibly not see what's really going on here?

 

I'm sorry, but I think you have a big reason to be concerned. This isn't innocent office banter on either side. I think your girl is checking out of this relationship but trying to pin it on you by saying you're too critical. If anything,you are under-reacting to some quite inappropriate activity.

[Redhead14]

I've been dating and living with my girlfriend (until recently) for about 7 years now and we've been having problems with:

 

1) Me being too critical during arguments,

 

and

 

2) her always bringing up the past and avalanching it on me in all fights, which she justifies because it relates to a past issue.

 

I explained it to her that: I am a big believer in fairness in all things that I do, but it is very difficult to be non-critical when you are outraged by something that you find is unacceptable for your significant other to do.

 

For example:

For my girlfriend's birthday one month ago (we were engaged at that point), she went drinking and eating with her male boss one on one for 5 hours at two different restaurants on a Monday night and got home at 11pm. She told me that she was going with her boss, and told me it is okay because she kept me in the loop the entire time she was there.

 

After their dinner, her boss followed up with flirty texts saying:

 

- He's sorry he blew our her birthday candles because he doesn't get out much.

- He "really enjoys her company a lot" and they should celebrate her birthday more often.

 

After waiting one day, I told her it is a deal breaker for me for her to continue all these outside of work activities with her male boss including: weekly one on one lunches and coffee--- especially when her boss clearly likes her based on the things he says to her at work, the $160 he spent on her for her birthday dinner, and the 5 hours he spent with her on a monday night knowing that she has a fiance.

 

She argued that it is part of her weekly routine, and she finds her lunches fun because she can get away from the office. She then said it was like she is losing a friend if she doesn't go to lunch or coffee with her boss and she does not have any friends. I said she can always go take another person from the workplace with her, and she said there's no one else to take with them.

 

She said that it is too controlling to make it a deal breaker for her to go to lunch or coffee with her boss one on on one.

 

I told her then well if your fun is more important than your relationship with me then I will just do my own thing.

 

Fast forward, we fight all week about it, and the Friday immediately after the monday when she went out, we get into an argument about how I think she should take her attorney bar exam because she will remove herself from that job situation and make more than $24 an hour.

 

She then said she can't deal with my critical arguments of her anymore and i've been critical in so many arguments we've had and it hasn't changed in 7 years and people should never have these type of critical arguments.

 

So she said she wants to break off the engagement and take a step back where we are just dating each other.

 

It is absolutely impossible to not be critical in situations like this.

 

In regards to her one on one lunches with her boss, I settled with: I want her to do whatever makes her happy but I wanted to warn her that "work spouse syndrome" is a real thing, and even though she may go to lunch or dinner with innocent intentions, she's giving her male boss who clearly likes her many opportunities one on one to build emotional rapport by doing so many one on one lunches and coffee runs together.

 

Do you have any advice on how I should handle this matter about her thinking that i'm unjustified to be critical in situations?

 

And how do I heal her past hurt of 7 years worth of critical arguments that she is holding against me?

 

Thank you so much for your time and help

 

You expressed a concern about her relationship with her boss. That's appropriate to do. You did not forbid her from doing it nor did you give an ultimatum -- that would be controlling. So the problem lies with her inability to respect your feelings about it and defending her behavior. If she respected your feelings and the relationship, she would curtail the relationship with the boss out of respect for them.

 

When a partner expresses a concern and that something about the other is causing them to be uncomfortable or upset, the other party will do things to at least attempt to resolve the situation. The fact that she throws past arguments in your face, is passive-aggressive and an attempt to deflect attention to the issue at hand. That is immature and disrespectful.

 

It is inappropriate of her to have any regular outside contact with a direct superior in any office environment. The boss is also wrong in this.

 

All that being said, you make a statement about your concerns PERIOD. Give her time to correct the behavior. In the meantime, you be busy with other things outside of the relationship to create a little space as she suggested.

 

It appears that neither of you have good conflict resolution skills anyway though. When there is something that bothers you about her, it is important not to address it in a critical way. Try to approach it in a supportive way -- I don't mean supportive of the behavior, supportive in terms of coming to a resolution. For instance, in the situation with her boss. It may very well be that she is seeking attention from him because there are unresolved issues between you and she and looking maybe for an out anyway. If in general the relationship was good, and I'd say, it should have been at least for you to become engaged, you open a conversation with her to say something like "I love you and respect our relationship and want to make sure we move forward in a positive way. Are there any things you and I need to address to make our relationship better? And, then let her talk. If she becomes angry, defensive or otherwise uncooperative. You end the conversation and tell her to take some time to think about the question and make a time to come back to discuss it calmly.

 

The only way to recover from past hurts is to start doing things differently and let her observe the change. If too much "damage" has been done for her to be able to be objective about it, it may simply be time to move on.

[Gary S]

I just skimmed the posts, but I take it she's harboring resentment for arguments from the past. They can be very hard for a woman to let go of... I would highly recommend counseling in this instance if she'll go. If she will go, consider yourself luck and don't walk, run to counseling, because not everybody likes to go to the doctor.

 

That said, perhaps there is too much resentment in her heart? Again, that's something you explore in counseling.

 

And I hate to say it, but it might not work out. Sometimes you have to start a new relationship with a new lady, a clean slate.

 

Keep in mind, nobody can make you argue, unless they are holding a gun to your head. Some of the healthiest and happiest couples sit down and calmly discuss things. They know that relationships are give-and-take, and both people are givers, rather than takers, easy to get along with. Some couples only have a handful of arguments per year.

[davidromero43]

For my girlfriend's birthday one month ago (we were engaged at that point), she went drinking and eating with her male boss one on one for 5 hours at two different restaurants on a Monday night and got home at 11pm.

 

Was this on her birthday day? Were you not going to take her out, or do something on that day?

[minime13]

This is the third time you've posted this. Can you save us all the trouble and tell us what you want to hear?

[bluefairy812]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

There is definitely a level of feelings here between your girlfriend and her boss, for whatever reason. Were you having issues before that pushed her to start hanging with this guy? Not that it's a good reason, either way its wrong...

 

Men and women alike do not care if someone is married, engaged or in a relationship. When they want to pursue, they will.

 

I'm pretty sure if this was the other way around and you did this with a woman, she would flip her sh*t.

 

It sounds like she is justifying what seems like innocent behavior to cover up for whatever is going on. I would consider therapy or just letting her go. She is obviously not happy and is looking to fill a void that is missing.

 

She needs to make a decision. It's not fair for her to risk her relationship and hurt your feelings because of her flirty hungry boss.

[georgewoo]

Thanks for your perspectives.

[georgewoo]

A)

She said that whether its for her or me, she is going to curtail her lunch and coffee but not be banned from going altogether forever.

 

She says she feels that her boss doesn't like her because he tells her "he likes to joke around, so if he ever crosses the line tell him."

 

 

And she said she didn't tell me but I should have known, that she has not gone to lunch or coffee with him other than when she told me she did 2 weeks ago after i brought it up to her.

 

 

she says that they have great rapport and like to joke around together but he knows not to cross boundaries or risk it.

 

I told her it's like he's fishing around and testing for how far he can cross boundaries and then excuse it as joking and don't take it seriously if he does cross the line.

 

B)

She said its not a BIG DEAL that he texted her saying he enjoys her company because she thanked him for dinner first and she replied likewise also.

 

I told her that all of our other guy friends who hangout with her one on one for a dinner, wouldn't follow-up with "I really do enjoy your company" and send her a follow-up voicemail "asking if she got home okay" after they parted for 5 minutes. They would just say great hanging out with you.

 

Then I also pointed out that the text about "retiring together" is out of the blue and not work related, and is a personal text showing he is thinking of her.

 

C) I said she is giving someone who likes her continued many one on one opportunities to escalate and cross over boundaries.

 

She said:

If he wanted to escalate, he had could have done so in the 5 hour dinner because they were drinking but he didn't and it's just that they were enjoying themselves.

 

I was looking more for an answer that says: yeah he could have done so, but she would have stopped him from escalating because she loves me. Maybe i'm being too nitpicky?

 

 

______________________

 

In all my thought are:

 

1)

 

"She wants space"

 

means she's definitely unhappy with the relationship with me.

 

2)

"her downgrading and not breaking up with me"

 

Shows she's afraid to lose me, as a backup option, or to wait and see if I will step up and get my career on path as an Attorney.

 

3)

her boss clearly likes her, and she is denying it saying he just has great rapport with her and would not "risk crossing those boundaries" and knows his boundaries.

 

And she is playing it off to fill whatever void.... lack of friends she has, lack of fun or freshness she has with me since we have been together for so long its not as exciting or unpredictable, etc.

 

but she said she is curtailing it, so i should assume that she means well.

 

4)

Based on the above, for me her wanting space and not being happy in the relationship, I was thinking I would approach it one of two ways:

 

A) I continue this downgraded relationship status, and use it to go hang out one on one with her to build more romantic rapport by experiencing new events together, and escalating it slowly like we dated from scratch.

 

Since the relationship is definitely lacking the freshness and new excitement of being together 24/7 for a decade.

 

B) Not talk to her at all, and let her feel that she has lost me, and has to chase me.

 

Since she is clearly too comfortable thinking that I am there for her to come back to whenever she wants.

 

The only issue with this option is that, if she doesn't do it already, she would probably start confiding in her boss about our relationship status, and that would escalate to fill the emotional void of loneliness of me saying breaking it off completely with her. Since she literally has no actual friends or family members.

[rester]

What was the lead-up to her birthday? You've been together for 7 years...had you not had a night planned out for her on her birthday? Why weren't you there?

 

I don't think going out with her boss for lunch or coffee is bad, but you two not being together on her birthday, and her being with her boss instead, is very strange. I would think a conversation about that would have come up before that night even happened.

[georgewoo]

So I celebrated her birthday with our friends that Friday May 1st, her birthday with her and her parents on Saturday May 2nd, and her actual birthday one on one with me and her on Sunday, may 3rd.

 

Then her boss wanted to take her out for her birthday lunch on May 4th, she asked if it was okay. I didn't think much of it, and said sure fine go for it.

 

It ended up being a birthday dinner instead of a birthday lunch.

 

The birthday dinner went from 530pm to like 10:45pm at night, and she said she lost track of time because she was enjoying herself to make up for the bad birthday she had with our friends on the previous Friday night. She thought it was fine because she kept me updated via text often.

 

I said, it still shouldn't take 5 hours though, and drinking one on one with another guy, for 5 hours at two different restaurants, who is also your boss, is a full blown date and you are trying to sanction it under the guise of "work"

 

Not to mention the $160 he spent on her, and the texts he sent to her outside of work clearly show he likes her because he wouldn't do it for other people. Further, her boss goes to lunch with no one else at work other than her and they always go only one on one.

She responded with because the people in the public works office she works at are weird, and she wouldn't want to hang out with any of them either.

 

I just said well I guess you're just his type then.

Edited June 5, 2015 by georgewoo

[minime13]

I don't think your communication styles are meshing. She is getting defensive because she thinks you are accusing her of something, and I can understand why because - from what you posted - they seem somewhat accusatory. You're not accusing her, and you trust her, but it's the boss you don't trust. I feel that's what you're thinking, but it's not coming across.

 

When she was hit with the ultimatum, she probably stopped listening to you.

 

She tends to think that you're always critical of her - from what you posted - as well. This points to communication issues. If you don't intend to be that way, sit down and talk to her and tell her this. Admit that maybe your tone can come across that way, if you can see that, and encourage her to give input on better ways you can both communicate with each other.

 

It has to be approached in a positive manner, though, or else she's continue to just feel defensive.

 

Do you think that the both of you would be open to couple's counseling?

[georgewoo]

I don't think your communication styles are meshing. She is getting defensive because she thinks you are accusing her of something, and I can understand why because - from what you posted - they seem somewhat accusatory. You're not accusing her, and you trust her, but it's the boss you don't trust. I feel that's what you're thinking, but it's not coming across.

 

When she was hit with the ultimatum, she probably stopped listening to you.

 

She tends to think that you're always critical of her - from what you posted - as well. This points to communication issues. If you don't intend to be that way, sit down and talk to her and tell her this. Admit that maybe your tone can come across that way, if you can see that, and encourage her to give input on better ways you can both communicate with each other.

 

It has to be approached in a positive manner, though, or else she's continue to just feel defensive.

 

Do you think that the both of you would be open to couple's counseling?

 

 

A)

 

Yes, exactly it's the boss that I don't trust.

 

And I only feel uncomfortable with the situation because she won't admit that her boss is crossing his boundaries or that her boss likes her, which I feel is required for her to acknowledge in order to put up sufficient boundaries--

 

Clearly her boss gives her exceptional attention and gives no one else one on one time like he does with her in the entire public works office of 100 people.

 

She also doesn't go to lunch or have contact with anyone outside of work other than him. (because she says her other co-workers are all weird)

Isn't it a concern that she can't acknowledge her boss likes her?

B)

I've told her that our communication styles when we have value conflicts are horrible, and that we both incite each other to be angrier in conversations instead of problem solving together and calming the situation down.

 

I also told her that once people are angry, they are going to say or do things that they normally would not say, and that is not their their true self so you can't judge or hang onto what is said when someone is angry and not themselves.

 

I then told her that her "past hurt from criticism" can only be healed if she understands that its not a conflict of Principles and Values that causes our fight, but its our failure to communicate and fight fairly because instead of one person stepping back to calm the situation, we are both stepping up to turn up the heat and make the fight worse. In turn, this then causes both people to be angry and say things that they normally would not say.

 

Is there a better way to remove her past hurt, other than to show her it goes both ways, but I just don't remember fights that happened 7 years ago like she does?

 

C)

 

I said we need to work on our communication skills during fights and we clearly have not figured it out in 7 years on our own. So we should see a premarital therapist who is an expert.

 

She said she is hesitant because:

 

1) she wants me to focus on being an attorney and passing my bar exam

 

2) she doesn't know if she wants to be in a relationship and needs space to think and feel free

 

3) she doesn't know if the therapist will be useful for what we pay them, because they will just say take time apart and concentrate on self-healing.

 

 

Is there a way I can get her to agree on going for couple's therapy?

[ExpatInItaly]

"2) she doesn't know if she wants to be in a relationship and needs space to think and feel free"

 

This is what you should be paying the most attention to.

 

I hate to say it, but she's already on her way out.

 

She is denying her boss's interest but she wasn't born yesterday. She knows what he's doing. And she's not putting a stop to it because she's interested in him too.

 

She went from wanting to break the engagement to telling you she doesn't even know if she wants to be in a relationship. That is a major, flapping red flag. She doesn't appear interested in rebuilding what you have lost and you need to really take a step back and ask yourself what that means. Ask yourself if you're willing to wait this out while she very likely continues on with her boss. All of this put together doesn't look good at all.

 

The bottom line is that it takes two people to salvage a relationship. You are willing and open to try. She isn't on the same page as you.

[georgewoo]

Would you say that it is impossible to end the emotional affair with her boss even if she realized an emotional affair was developing, and even if she tried ...because he sees her everyday and works only with her and no one else?

[todreaminblue]

hey george....

 

i am a woman who remembers ......and its hard when a person has really hurt you not to bring it up again when its most likely to come out is of course in times of arguments or disagreements...as a bargaining tool sometimes fro someone to manipulate guilt..... but you did this sort of thing...its not helpful...to go back in time when trying to deal with a current issue.... ...especially if that past issue,it was never properly dealt with...i think couples therapy might really help........and taking your discussions along the lines of that was then this is now.....no good comes from bringing up the past ...you can look back on it but dwelling there is a mistake...as far as having lunch with her boss thats out.......it doesnt seem to me to be very professional at all...and if it isnt professional courtesy what is it?

 

 

as far as you feeling disrespected that is what your wife should acknowledge and deal with because she should care and have concerns in how you feel disrespected instead of bring up how you hurt her in the past......things need to be done now......and i think therapy might be helpful.....best wishes

i hope it works out for you....deb

[stupidkittten]

How are you holding up?

[GentleGiantEd]

First off when people bring up stuff from the past its called sandbagging and you need to ask her "I notice we've talked about this before and thought we had it resolved and now your bringing it up again. What do I have to do to complete this?" Then ask yourself if she continues to bring it up again if that is a deal breaker for you.

 

Next, when people do things inappropriate while in a relationship and don't come clean they will project that on to others. They literally will see the world as if its doing to them what they did to the other person....its called projection.

 

Healthy loving relationships clear things quickly and with loving intentions. If this is not happening get professional help so you know what healthy is. She has bad boundaries with her boss and you are tolerating it for the sake of your relationship. Get some professional help on discerning what is healthy behavior versus what is not. Otherwise it is crazy making to your brain....

[kendahke]

You've both told each other how you feel and what you both will not back down on.

If you can live with what is the result, then continue the engagement. If you can't, then it's time to move out and live separate lives and date each other once in a while.

 

This is no longer working. She doesn't agree with the stipulations you're placing on her behavior. There will be no peace in your lives as a result.