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not attracted to girlfriend anymore


breakingsymmetry

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breakingsymmetry

Hay guys. I've been going crazy these days with my situation so I sure could use some fresh perspectives.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating now for a year and a half, and a few months ago she moved in with me. She is sweet, caring, funny, and intelligent - everything I've always wanted in a girlfriend, and I love her to pieces. When I first met her we had an amazing connection. After so many insipid hot bodies with empty minds, this was the first woman I felt that had actual substance. I honestly was in love with her and up until a few months ago, I was totally ready to marry her. Now, I'm beginning to find that I might not be in love with her anymore because I don't find her attractive, and it's killing me because I didn't think I was shallow.

 

Here's the rub: she's extremely overweight. She's 5'6" and just a shade under 300 pounds, and most of that weight is rather unsightly because it's all around her stomach and back. When she goes out she constantly has to endure people asking (good-naturedly) when is the baby due. When we first started dating and being intimate, the weight did bother me, but I was so taken with her actual person so I just let it go. And now, apparently it is bothering me to the point of affecting our relationship. When we first met she told me that she was in the stages of weight loss for health reasons, and I was fully supportive. I joined her as I could always be fitter too. While together we've done gym visits and various diets together, and she's even hired a personal trainer. She's only lost about 4 pounds or so since we've met, but it's most likely due to her age and genetics (she's 38, I'm 32).

 

The sex was never great in the beginning, but I figured that it would improve as we get to know each other. Instead, it went downhill, from me desperate to get it done with, to me barely able to maintain an erection for her. We haven't had sex in nearly two months now. I am very sad to say that I was never really eager to see her naked, and now practically every night ends with disappointment and exhaustion because I am just not thrilled to have sex with her, and my body is reacting in kind. And before you ask, I am very healthy with no trouble getting or maintaining and erection. We both have pretty big sex drives and I'm walking around with an erection half the time. It just tends to go away when I'm with her.

 

So I have no idea what to do now. Even now when I look at her, I still see the mother of my future child and my utter soul mate. All of future plans such as buying a house and traveling around the world still include her. I still remind myself everyday how lucky I am to have an amazing woman like her love me. I don't want to lose her, but I don't know how long this situation can last. Please help!

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She didn't change you did. Unless you can change back you need to end this.

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breakingsymmetry

I'm not sure what I need to change though...

 

I mean, we go out and watch movies, romantic dinners, lounge around and watch TV, etc. We took up some new hobbies together and spend lots of time while giving each other space if one asks for it. I guess I'm just not sure where things went wrong. She's still happy every day and I'm (mostly) happy too.

 

She told me the other day that even if I never have sex with her again she'll still stick around and even marry me if I asked. I told her that it doesn't sound very fair for either of us, and we just kind of laughed it off. I've been so consumed by guilt these days that it's really affecting me.

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El Pallasso

Lol!! 5'6" and over 300 pounds. Unless you want your kids looking like the Michelin man, you best dump her and run for dear life. Lmfao.

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I would say you'd be justified in trying to pressure her to lose a lot more weight and be healthier, with your relationship be conditional on that. For her own sake. And certainly if you were to have children with her, for their sake too. If she is a lot more over weight than you are, then it wouldn't really be hypocritical.

 

If you've approached weight loss gingerly with her, than perhaps you should try being more insistent that she change. Again, perfectly justified too; being that overweight is extremely unhealthy. You would be doing her a favor.

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It sounds like you put blinders on with all these problems (that you knew were problems from the beginning) and now you can't keep your head in the sand anymore.

 

This is all very unfair to the both of you, but this should have been addressed a long time ago because it's not as if she was a thin person when you met her. You said so yourself, initially the weight bothered you... the sex was never good but you 'let it go' because she's a good person.

 

That's all fine and dandy, but you CANNOT be in a loving, intimate relationship without that physical component. It's only going to make both of you resent each other down the line. She won't feel wanted or desired by you, and you will feel bitter that she doesn't look like how you want her to look.

 

There are only a few options:

 

1. If you really want this to work you need to communicate with her that this is something that has been bothering you BUT you do want to make it work. Suggest that both of you get serious about getting healthy together. I'm not saying you give her an ultimatum that she either loses weight or you leave... but if you truly love her deep down like you say you do, then her being a healthy size should be important enough for the both of you to try and improve your lifestyles together. I will say this, the outer shell can change but only if she wants it to. Encourage her, empower her, but you cannot force her... and quite frankly that would not be fair because she is still the same person you met a year and a half ago. If she decides she wants to, then go for it. If not...

 

2. Accept that she's a big girl and move on. People come in all shapes and sizes and some will never be trim. It's sometimes a combination of genetics and bad eating habits, sometimes people can't lose the weight unless they have a drastic surgical intervention (which should always be of the person's choosing)... but in the end she is who she is. You cannot force her to change, and there is the risk she will always be this heavy. If you cannot accept that, do not force both of you to wade through an unhappy life together. There are plenty of women her size who find lovers who desire them in a sexual way.

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ExpatInItaly

I'm sure she's guessing the drop in sex might have something to do with her physical state.

 

This is extremely difficult because however you word it, it's going to hurt her. But, having said that, she is also putting her own health at risk and I guarantee any doctor would advise her against getting pregnant until she is in healthier condition.

 

You could start being more insistent that you both get into shape and follow a healthy diet (not a fad diet of any kind) I am sure she's going to guess as what you're getting at.

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breakingsymmetry

Yeah we've tried a few things. She's very sensitive about her weight and once when I jokingly suggested an ultimatum she threw a fit and cried for hours. From what I see, she is trying very hard with multiple workouts daily (she's doing than me, that's for sure) and is pretty strict on her diet.

 

I understand how hard weight loss is. I used to be fat too, and then picked myself up one day and worked really hard. I ended up losing about 80 pounds in a year.

 

I am feeling especially guilty because had it been that big of an issue in the beginning, I never would have let us gone this far (or at least pushed her harder to lose weight). Now it just feels like I'm stuck because I don't want to lose her and breaking up would pretty much uproot her life, but I'm just not that happy anymore.

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JJCaliGirl

I agree with Dybbuk in many ways.

 

You knew she was a big girl going into the relationship, and I believe your heart is sincere with the way you feel about her beyond just her physical size. That said, I've been where she is and only she can decide to do something about her weight. You can wish and want it off of her all you want, but it's her decision. What it took for me was hitting rock bottom in my career and health...

 

With that in mind, I would say an honest conversation between you and her needs to happen. I'm not intending to blame you, but it's entirely possible that she believes you accept her at her current weight so therefore the desire to change just isn't there. It may be the the thing of losing you that gets her in the mental space to really start the process of getting healthy. And getting healthy needs to be a lifestyle change and not just a diet as diets to me read short term fix.

 

On a personal note, I really applaud your willingness to look beyond her physical being to who she really is. I know it has ultimately created this issue you are discussing, but even heavy people need someone to love them. I know I desired this when I was at my biggest, but most men aren't willing to look beyond weight.

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breakingsymmetry
It sounds like you put blinders on with all these problems (that you knew were problems from the beginning) and now you can't keep your head in the sand anymore.

 

This is all very unfair to the both of you, but this should have been addressed a long time ago because it's not as if she was a thin person when you met her. You said so yourself, initially the weight bothered you... the sex was never good but you 'let it go' because she's a good person.

 

That's all fine and dandy, but you CANNOT be in a loving, intimate relationship without that physical component. It's only going to make both of you resent each other down the line. She won't feel wanted or desired by you, and you will feel bitter that she doesn't look like how you want her to look.

 

There are only a few options:

 

1. If you really want this to work you need to communicate with her that this is something that has been bothering you BUT you do want to make it work. Suggest that both of you get serious about getting healthy together. I'm not saying you give her an ultimatum that she either loses weight or you leave... but if you truly love her deep down like you say you do, then her being a healthy size should be important enough for the both of you to try and improve your lifestyles together. I will say this, the outer shell can change but only if she wants it to. Encourage her, empower her, but you cannot force her... and quite frankly that would not be fair because she is still the same person you met a year and a half ago. If she decides she wants to, then go for it. If not...

 

2. Accept that she's a big girl and move on. People come in all shapes and sizes and some will never be trim. It's sometimes a combination of genetics and bad eating habits, sometimes people can't lose the weight unless they have a drastic surgical intervention (which should always be of the person's choosing)... but in the end she is who she is. You cannot force her to change, and there is the risk she will always be this heavy. If you cannot accept that, do not force both of you to wade through an unhappy life together. There are plenty of women her size who find lovers who desire them in a sexual way.

Thanks for the insight. Honestly, this was all addressed between us when we met. She knew that she was unhealthy and obese and our sex life wasn't great because of it. And she did say that even as she loses weight, she'll always have some weight but she'll regain her curves. Well, I do like curvy women with meat on their bones, and I figured that as we continued we could figure out more exciting ways to get intimate (because gotta keep things fresh). So we let the relationship continue.

 

She had just started losing weight shortly after meeting me, and we talked about all the fun things (in an out of the bedroom) we'd do after her weight comes down, like ziplining and indoor skydiving and all that. I guess part of me just expected more than 4 pounds being shed in a year and a half. I know it's unfair to suddenly ask her to change for our relationship, but I know that sooner or later, as you said, my unhappiness will become hers as well. But breaking up isn't really an option for us at the moment so I'm just listless I guess.

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Well, I have to commend you for trying to help her get the weight off.

 

But you should have known better - you can't expect people to change.

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breakingsymmetry
I agree with Dybbuk in many ways.

 

You knew she was a big girl going into the relationship, and I believe your heart is sincere with the way you feel about her beyond just her physical size. That said, I've been where she is and only she can decide to do something about her weight. You can wish and want it off of her all you want, but it's her decision. What it took for me was hitting rock bottom in my career and health...

 

With that in mind, I would say an honest conversation between you and her needs to happen. I'm not intending to blame you, but it's entirely possible that she believes you accept her at her current weight so therefore the desire to change just isn't there. It may be the the thing of losing you that gets her in the mental space to really start the process of getting healthy. And getting healthy needs to be a lifestyle change and not just a diet as diets to me read short term fix.

 

On a personal note, I really applaud your willingness to look beyond her physical being to who she really is. I know it has ultimately created this issue you are discussing, but even heavy people need someone to love them. I know I desired this when I was at my biggest, but most men aren't willing to look beyond weight.

Thank you. I think that she's utterly incredible and probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have to admit when I introduced her to my parents they smiled and then FLIPPED on me after she left. Most overweight people get shafted at initial appearances (I've been there), but I've never been about surfaces. Until now I guess...

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For what's it's worth though.... looks fade, but personality is forever.

 

And it can't be too bad - you are still there.

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JJCaliGirl

I'm not a health professional by any means. I just know what worked for me.

 

You say that she is pretty strict with her diet and she works out multiple times every day. Again without criticizing you or her, it takes a lot of calories to maintain a large weight. If she was eating below was it takes to maintain that weight as well as working out, then she should be shedding weight pretty quickly.

 

What programs have you both tried? Perhaps looking at something like the 21 Day Fix could be what it takes. I have friends who have done this who were able to drop a lot of weight while also building some great muscle mass. You can do it with her so it's not something that is just her, but you both which actually ends up being better in the long run as the only food in the house is stuff for the program.

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breakingsymmetry
For what's it's worth though.... looks fade, but personality is forever.

 

And it can't be too bad - you are still there.

 

I guess that's the kicker. Had we been married and older with dwindling sex drives, I wouldn't even be on here. But is it fair to either of us to be together until we reach that point?

 

We've been very candid with each other and I told her months ago I may be losing my (physical) attraction to her, hence the bedroom issues. I tried to not give her a complex but of course she went through a few nights crying, but simply continued her workouts and dieting with a renewed vigilance. I'm spending every day encouraging her and reminding her how much I love her by being just as affectionate as when we first met. My concern is that if the bedroom frustrations escalate we'll end up in a place beyond no return.

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I agree with Dybbuk in many ways.

 

You knew she was a big girl going into the relationship, and I believe your heart is sincere with the way you feel about her beyond just her physical size. That said, I've been where she is and only she can decide to do something about her weight. You can wish and want it off of her all you want, but it's her decision. What it took for me was hitting rock bottom in my career and health...

 

With that in mind, I would say an honest conversation between you and her needs to happen. I'm not intending to blame you, but it's entirely possible that she believes you accept her at her current weight so therefore the desire to change just isn't there. It may be the the thing of losing you that gets her in the mental space to really start the process of getting healthy. And getting healthy needs to be a lifestyle change and not just a diet as diets to me read short term fix.

 

On a personal note, I really applaud your willingness to look beyond her physical being to who she really is. I know it has ultimately created this issue you are discussing, but even heavy people need someone to love them. I know I desired this when I was at my biggest, but most men aren't willing to look beyond weight.

 

My hats off to the OP as well . I am way to shallow to date a girl bigger than me. I would not mind a thick woman and a few pounds over weight .

 

I was born fat I was 10 pounds 2 ounces and yea big baby run in the family my grandmothers sister was over 14 pounds.

 

Ok back on topic as a last resort she could look into Vertical banded gastroplasty.

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breakingsymmetry
I'm not a health professional by any means. I just know what worked for me.

 

You say that she is pretty strict with her diet and she works out multiple times every day. Again without criticizing you or her, it takes a lot of calories to maintain a large weight. If she was eating below was it takes to maintain that weight as well as working out, then she should be shedding weight pretty quickly.

 

What programs have you both tried? Perhaps looking at something like the 21 Day Fix could be what it takes. I have friends who have done this who were able to drop a lot of weight while also building some great muscle mass. You can do it with her so it's not something that is just her, but you both which actually ends up being better in the long run as the only food in the house is stuff for the program.

We've tried juicing for about a month, which she abandoned it within 2 weeks because she missed chewing on solid food; I continued with it because I liked the energy it was giving me, but it became a hassle just juicing for myself; the "just cut all junk food" diet (once again, easy for me, hard on her because she works from home and may be sneaking the occasional munchies), and currently we're doing the Whole30 program, which I have to admit is very hard for me because I swear I'm 30% pasta and 25% bread. We've been sticking to it though.

 

Her personal trainer has been giving her a series of workouts, mostly starting with leg training because she's too top-heavy to jog/run without destroying her knees, and some weight training. She's also been swimming almost everyday on her lunch break.

 

Oh and of course we both have gym memberships, but she's too embarrassed to go out in public at the gym. Now she's sticking to our local apartment gym late night/early morning while I use my membership by going after work.

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breakingsymmetry
My hats off to the OP as well . I am way to shallow to date a girl bigger than me. I would not mind a thick woman and a few pounds over weight .

 

I was born fat I was 10 pounds 2 ounces and yea big baby run in the family my grandmothers sister was over 14 pounds.

 

Ok back on topic as a last resort she could look into Vertical banded gastroplasty.

I'm 6'2" and 230 or so, and I'm pretty stocky now with some chub around the waist. I was always a fat kid though. I still remember when I was over 300 and struggling to breath while just walking to the bus stop, and all the looks I would get from strangers. It's easy not to judge after a few years of that. :)

 

We always said no surgical procedures because natural weight loss is the healthiest. I hope it doesn't resort to that.

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BlackOpsZombieGirl
I would say you'd be justified in trying to pressure her to lose a lot more weight and be healthier, with your relationship be conditional on that. For her own sake. And certainly if you were to have children with her, for their sake too. If she is a lot more over weight than you are, then it wouldn't really be hypocritical.

 

If you've approached weight loss gingerly with her, than perhaps you should try being more insistent that she change. Again, perfectly justified too; being that overweight is extremely unhealthy. You would be doing her a favor.

 

I disagree with this advice. You can't place conditions on a relationship with someone based on their weight. He MET her when she was overweight. He was ATTRACTED to her when she was overweight. He entered into a RELATIONSHIP with her when she was overweight. And, over a YEAR later, has REMAINED with her in said relationship when she's STILL overweight.

 

If she's going to lose weight, SHE has to WANT to do it. He can't (and most certainly shouldn't) be INSISTENT that she lose the weight "or ELSE". No matter how "justified" the OP is with him wanting her to lose the excess weight for "health reasons" (yeah RIGHT. He doesn't care about her health necessarily as much as he cares about his SEXUAL ATTRACTION to her and his ability to get and maintain an ERECTION when he sees her naked body), he can't FORCE her or give her an ultimatum to lose weight, even IF he would be "doing her a FAVOR".

 

OP, my advice to you is this: You should have NEVER gotten romantically involved with an OVERWEIGHT woman that you KNEW you'd NEVER be sexually attracted to. No matter how wonderful you think her personality is or how much of a "soul mate" you think she is, you should NOT have EVER gotten involved with her - and now, you're going to BREAK HER HEART, when she gave you ALL of her love, affection, attention and shared her LIFE with you.

 

She has to WANT TO lose the weight on HER OWN - *without* your conditions, *without* you telling her about your inability to be sexually attracted to her and *without* you lecturing her about the "health reasons" that she should lose the excess weight. You took her AS SHE WAS. You were WITH HER for *over* a YEAR. And NOW, you've just figured out that you're NOT sexually attracted to her "anymore"???? What the hell have you been DOING for a WHOLE YEAR? Waiting for her to lose the weight - for YOU? For herself? For her "health"?

 

If, after a year, you've completely lost ALL of your sexual/physical attraction for this woman - you should END your relationship with her. Now. She deserves to find a man who will love her for who she is; physically as well as emotionally and spiritually. You love her emotionally and spiritually as well as her personality, but, you're NOT sexually attracted to her. This is NOT fair to HER. And it's not fair to you either.

 

Unless she gets stomach stapling surgery or has her jaw wired shut, she probably won't be losing a massive amount of weight any time soon. END this relationship so she can find a man who will love her and ACCEPT her as she IS and so you can find a woman whose body is thin and sexually attractive in your eyes. Hopefully, the next woman you find whose body is "hot" in your opinion is also a beautiful, sweet and faithful person to you.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

.

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It is pretty shallow to view it this way. You were physically attracted to her, and her looks haven't changed. Something has changed, and you don't feel attracted to her anymore. It's something that was lost, but don't just go picking out things about her physical appearance. It's probably something deeper than that.

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introverted1

My take:

 

Diet is at least 80% of the equation when it comes to weight loss. Exercise is a bonus, but it's nearly impossible to create a large enough calorie deficit through exercise.

 

IF (big if) your gf wants to lose weight then she needs to weigh and measure her food and calculate how much she is eating (calories). If she is TRULY eating at a caloric deficit and has only lost 4 pounds, then she needs to see a doctor and have an endocrine panel run. More likely, she is not eating at a deficit.

 

No one has to be 5'6" and 300 pounds.

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breakingsymmetry
I disagree with this advice. You can't place conditions on a relationship with someone based on their weight. He MET her when she was overweight. He was ATTRACTED to her when she was overweight. He entered into a RELATIONSHIP with her when she was overweight. And, over a YEAR later, has REMAINED with her in said relationship when she's STILL overweight.

 

If she's going to lose weight, SHE has to WANT to do it. He can't (and most certainly shouldn't) be INSISTENT that she lose the weight "or ELSE". No matter how "justified" the OP is with him wanting her to lose the excess weight for "health reasons" (yeah RIGHT. He doesn't care about her health necessarily as much as he cares about his SEXUAL ATTRACTION to her and his ability to get and maintain an ERECTION when he sees her naked body), he can't FORCE her or give her an ultimatum to lose weight, even IF he would be "doing her a FAVOR".

 

OP, my advice to you is this: You should have NEVER gotten romantically involved with an OVERWEIGHT woman that you KNEW you'd NEVER be sexually attracted to. No matter how wonderful you think her personality is or how much of a "soul mate" you think she is, you should NOT have EVER gotten involved with her - and now, you're going to BREAK HER HEART, when she gave you ALL of her love, affection, attention and shared her LIFE with you.

 

She has to WANT TO lose the weight on HER OWN - *without* your conditions, *without* you telling her about your inability to be sexually attracted to her and *without* you lecturing her about the "health reasons" that she should lose the excess weight. You took her AS SHE WAS. You were WITH HER for *over* a YEAR. And NOW, you've just figured out that you're NOT sexually attracted to her "anymore"???? What the hell have you been DOING for a WHOLE YEAR? Waiting for her to lose the weight - for YOU? For herself? For her "health"?

 

If, after a year, you've completely lost ALL of your sexual/physical attraction for this woman - you should END your relationship with her. Now. She deserves to find a man who will love her for who she is; physically as well as emotionally and spiritually. You love her emotionally and spiritually as well as her personality, but, you're NOT sexually attracted to her. This is NOT fair to HER. And it's not fair to you either.

 

Unless she gets stomach stapling surgery or has her jaw wired shut, she probably won't be losing a massive amount of weight any time soon. END this relationship so she can find a man who will love her and ACCEPT her as she IS and so you can find a woman whose body is thin and sexually attractive in your eyes. Hopefully, the next woman you find whose body is "hot" in your opinion is also a beautiful, sweet and faithful person to you.

 

Good luck.

 

.

 

Well, I'll take my share of the blame that this whole unfair situation has become. In my defense, all I say is that when I met her she told me she was already on the path of weight loss, for her own health and appearance. I just encouraged it because I mean, was I not supposed to? We were discussing futures and children within weeks of meeting, and she knew how dangerous it was for her to have children when she's approaching 40 and overweight. I have genuinely encouraged her because she has diabetes and heart problems in her family and I wanted her to be around longer for me to love.

 

And honestly, I don't know why it suddenly became this way. Even as she moved in with me I was still willing to have sex with her even though it wasn't as enjoyable for me, because I loved her, and we always joked about how crazy things would get once she loses the weight and we steal a copy of the Kama Sutra. It probably was very selfish of me to hang onto a relationship with a faltering sex life, but I thought it was normal at first. I mean, how many couples maintain their 3-times a night schedule a year after sleeping together everyday?

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