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I'm gone and he doesn't want to skype etc.


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Hi,

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years and live together. When we just got together, we were in a long distance relationship, but he always insisted to talk via Skype EVERY day. He also whatsapped me a lot. It was like this for the first year, even though the long distance ended after just a few months. Even when we already lived together, he always wanted to Skype when him or I were away for business (or with friends or family).

 

Well, in the last months, I feel like it has stopped, completely. He went on a business trip two weeks ago, just for two full days, but he didn't skype me, even though I told him it would be nice to skype. When he came back, I told him that to me, it is really important to skype or talk on the phone at least once in two days, even if it's just ten minutes or so.

 

Last Sunday, I left for a business trip and to visit my family, so we will be apart for a hotel of almost three weeks, which is the most we've ever been apart. We have whatsapped every day since I left, but haven't skyped, not even once. It's been 4 days since I'm gone, and Tuesday I told him I'd love to skype Wednesday night, he said yes sure. Wednesday night came, and we were texting, he didn't even mention that we were planning to Skype. I asked him if he wants to Skype in half an hour. He said he's really busy (note: He was NOT at work) but we can skype when he's in the car, I said okay, he said let me know when you're ready. Just twenty minutes later, I whatsapped him to tell him I'm ready to Skype. He didn't answer. I called him, twice. He didn't pick up. I messaged him to say that I called him, and then waited an hour. No answer from him. Then I just went to bed. The next morning he had whatsapped me, saying that his phone died and that he was on the way to take a swim. Nothing else. No sorry, no 'Let's skype today then'. Today we whatsapped a bit as well and I hoped he would ask my to skype (since he ditched me last night even though before he said we will skype), but of course he didn't. He wasn't even at work, according to him he just slept, went for another swim, went to the bank and had lunch. He didn't have to work til the late afternoon, so it would have been so easy to skype.

 

This is making me sad. For the first time of our relationship, he always wanted to skype, and he sent me cute stuff on Whatsapp. Now he doesn't seem like he wants to skype at all, I feel like he doesn't miss me at all. We just whatsapp and even on WhatsApp he never tells me something nice, we just talk like two normal people, like what we did today etc. Once he sent me 'a kiss', that's it. Monday when I whatsapped him I wrote him that I love him very much (and a few other things), he only answered 'Ok so talk to you tomorrow' and 'have a good trip to xxx'. Since I'm gone, he hasn't even texted me once 'I love you' or 'I miss you', plus the Skype thing.

 

Am I overreacting, overinterpreting? I feel sad about it, especially since I have already told him a few times that to me it's important to stay in touch via Skype or phone when we cannot see each other. I mean, it's a long time this time. What do you guys think about all this? Please tell me your opinion and what you'd do.

 

Thanks.

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Why do you have to Skype? Why isn''t a phone call enough?

 

A phone call would be enough, but he also doesn't call me. I'm in another country so the only way to call me would be via Skype credit to my phone (otherwise it would be expensive), so Skype would be easier. But he hasn't called me and he hasn't even suggested it. I have suggested it and first he said yes, then he just ditched me when I called him and waited for him to answer, just told me the next day that his phone died and that he went for a swim. No sorry and no 'Let's talk today instead'. Also, no 'I love you' since I left, even though I texted him I love you three days ago (and he didn't say it back).

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stillafool

I agree with you something is up with him. Too many red flags. I think the reason he isn't Skyping is because he isn't where he is suppose to be.

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Hmm.. I don't think you are over reacting if you are okay with some form of "non-texting" communication (i.e. phone is fine, you don't need to "video chat" with him or anything).

 

It almost sounds like he wants to multitask and not have to spend the energy to focus on conversation with you. While using "whatsapp" he can do other things or he can "skype" you while in the car/etc,.

 

I know what it is like to be busy... but, if this has been a constant issue lately sounds like something more.

 

At some point I think you should say something to him... like, you feel like you are putting more effort into keeping in touch, etc.

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I agree with you something is up with him. Too many red flags. I think the reason he isn't Skyping is because he isn't where he is suppose to be.

 

It's not really that. I do trust him when he says what he's doing. For me the point is more that he doesn't seem to be interested in talking to me on the phone/skype, even when I ask him. That makes me think he isn't really missing me, since he also hasn't said that to me at all.

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Hmm.. I don't think you are over reacting if you are okay with some form of "non-texting" communication (i.e. phone is fine, you don't need to "video chat" with him or anything).

 

It almost sounds like he wants to multitask and not have to spend the energy to focus on conversation with you. While using "whatsapp" he can do other things or he can "skype" you while in the car/etc,.

 

I know what it is like to be busy... but, if this has been a constant issue lately sounds like something more.

 

At some point I think you should say something to him... like, you feel like you are putting more effort into keeping in touch, etc.

 

 

I mean, his job hasn't changed at all since we met three years ago, and at that time he ALWAYS found time calling me, skipping me, sending me cute things on WhatsApp. Now he pretends like he was busy, but he really isn't. When I asked to skype with him, I asked him a day before so he could tell me at what time it would work for him. Then when that day and time came, he ditched me and just said his phone died and he was on the way to go for a swim. That doesn't seem super busy to me. And today he wasn't busy either, he didn't have to work til the late afternoon, so he spent the morning going for another swim, going to the bak and for lunch. He could have easily called or skyped me, but he didn't even mention it. And I mean, I have told him a few times already that to me it is very important to keep in touch via Skype or phone when we're apart. He knows it. Plus, Mondays conversation went like this:

 

Me:

 

I love you a lot

Can't wait to skype with you tomorrow

Tomorrow I will arrive at my parents place in the afternoon

I'm going to sleep

Muaaaa (kiss)

*sent some heart and kiss emoticons*

 

Him:

 

Okay

Have a good trip to your parents

Mua (kiss)

Talk to you tomorrow

 

 

 

 

:(

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Me:

 

I love you a lot

Can't wait to skype with you tomorrow

Tomorrow I will arrive at my parents place in the afternoon

I'm going to sleep

Muaaaa (kiss)

*sent some heart and kiss emoticons*

 

Him:

 

Okay

Have a good trip to your parents

Mua (kiss)

Talk to you tomorrow

 

 

 

 

:(

 

I'm a guy. Trust me if I replied to your message like that something is not right. I am having second thoughts, there is somebody else on my mind or in the picture or I am starting to question the relationship, if this is what I want from it or where I want to be in my life.

 

His reply screams, i'm emotionally detaching.

 

Numerous and plenty different things it could be but that response is one I know very well and I can tell you he is not in a right state of mind in this relationship. You need to have a talk with him ASAP and get him to open up about what is wrong or on his mind. Do not leave it.

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stillafool

Sorry but I agree with Dallers there is someone else in the picture. You notice he wouldn't tell you he loves you too? Not good.

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I'm a guy. Trust me if I replied to your message like that something is not right. I am having second thoughts, there is somebody else on my mind or in the picture or I am starting to question the relationship, if this is what I want from it or where I want to be in my life.

 

His reply screams, i'm emotionally detaching.

 

Numerous and plenty different things it could be but that response is one I know very well and I can tell you he is not in a right state of mind in this relationship. You need to have a talk with him ASAP and get him to open up about what is wrong or on his mind. Do not leave it.

 

 

Thank you. I really do not think there is someone else in the picture, he's not that type of guy and there are several signs that there isn't: We spend most of our free time together (for example he really never says 'Hey I'm gonna have a drink with a friend after work', he always gets home directly), he isn't the type of guy who likes bars or clubs (and he never goes) and he let's his phone lie around without a password all the time, and he encourages me to use his computer (where his email account is opened all the time).

 

I do agree though with the rest of what you said- Maybe he's emotionally detaching from me. I feel like he used to be so crazy about me, and now I get this kind of behaviour (as described above). When I tell him what I think and what I expect he just says that this is just the way he is and always was (not true) and that I'm over interpreting things (he's pointing out that he's whatsapping me every day). I feel like I already tried to talk and it didn't really work..

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Sorry but I agree with Dallers there is someone else in the picture. You notice he wouldn't tell you he loves you too? Not good.

 

 

Yes, not good at all. I mean he said 'I love you' on Sunday before I left, but he might have felt obliged to say it. I mean I was close to tears (because I hate being away from him for so long), hugging and kissing him, he wasn't close to tears at all, just gave me a hug and a kiss and said 'I love you, have a good flight' and left.

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Thank you. I really do not think there is someone else in the picture, he's not that type of guy and there are several signs that there isn't: We spend most of our free time together (for example he really never says 'Hey I'm gonna have a drink with a friend after work', he always gets home directly), he isn't the type of guy who likes bars or clubs (and he never goes) and he let's his phone lie around without a password all the time, and he encourages me to use his computer (where his email account is opened all the time).

 

I do agree though with the rest of what you said- Maybe he's emotionally detaching from me. I feel like he used to be so crazy about me, and now I get this kind of behaviour (as described above). When I tell him what I think and what I expect he just says that this is just the way he is and always was (not true) and that I'm over interpreting things (he's pointing out that he's whatsapping me every day). I feel like I already tried to talk and it didn't really work..

 

A few months ago I met a girl I thought was the one and it seemed to go that way until she left for 6 months. It quickly went downhill and evaporated. I could tell because of the signs in her response that it was coming. Long distance is terribly hard to make work and if you do make it work then you are both very strong and very well connected to each other.

 

This might simply be a situation where you need to have some serious time together and you need to work through this rough patch. If you think there is nobody else in the picture good for you and stay with that thought but put up a barrier when you head in for the conversation because it is easy not to see what is right in front of our face when talking to someone who means the world to us.

 

Like I said do not leave it. Have the conversation and then allow him to come to you with his response, do not push or force it out of him just start the ball rolling and he will know that you know something is wrong.

 

He will quickly open up once he is hit with reality.

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So why do you think he is detaching from you? Are you needy?

 

When I used the word 'detaching' I just referred to the post of Dallers, he used that word. And no, I'm not needy, if I was needy I probably wouldn't go on a trip for almost three weeks without him. I'm just wondering if he's 'detaching' because he was so 'attached' to me in the earlier stage of our relationship, telling me I love you all the time, skying and calling me all the time etc. I don't think I'm expecting too much when I want to skype at least for a few minutes every two days, and when I expect him to actually show up when we said we would skype at a certain time, and not just not answer without a real explanation.

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El Pallasso

You will hate to hear this and probably deny it but you are needy and suffocating him.

 

He doesn't miss you because you don't give him any time to miss you. You guys are constantly talking everyday and you are constantly seeking reassurance and validation from him when it should come from within and not without.

 

The more you try to pull in closer to him with your smothering messages, he more he will pull away with his affections.

 

Stop smothering him and live your own life. When you make someone else the center of your life and they pull away, you will spin out of orbit and lose your balance.

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ExpatInItaly

I think he's falling out of love and maybe realizing he's enjoying his alone time. You aren't asking too much by at least expecting him to show up to a pre-arranged chat time. The fact that he bailed and didn't seem to care too much says a lot, I feel. Also, him not saying he loves you back is concerning in light of this other information.

 

That said, he could be feeling a bit suffocated. Let him do his thing. He's clearly pulling back at the moment. Let him. See how the next couple weeks unfold.

 

How is your relationship when you're not apart?

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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When you were new to each other trying to get to know each other LDR, well, of course, it was important to him to Skype. He wanted to be sure he knew what you looked like and what you were like.

 

Now you've been together 3 years. He doesn't need to know what you look like. He hasn't had freedom in 3 years. You sound like you are fairly high maintenance and very insecure and clingy. He was probably happy to have a little vacation from the relationship. You know, seeing each other too much and having to let someone keep track of your every move and having to constantly reassure someone like that gets old. He cares about you or he wouldn't be doing it. But just because he's not sorry he has a break from all that is no reason to freak out. It doesn't mean he's seeing someone else. Probably he's just getting back to his old bachelor habits of doing things only he likes to do that you don't like to do -- or doing nothing at all without you pulling on him for attention.

 

You know, a man can say "I love you" all day long and not mean it. It's not like he can't see through it when you try to make him say it. By now, he's probably thinking "Why does she need constant reassurance? I wouldn't be living with her if I didn't want to be with her." And frankly, it probably makes him roll his eyes at you. So he's rebelling a little. And let's not overlook the possibility that he sees no point in sweet-talking you when you're not there to F him anyway. Not saying that's him, but I'm sure it may have crossed his mind. I think most men who go along with the frequent bids for sweet talk just do it to mollify women. There are exceptions. There are men who need it or their confidence wanes too. But you have to concede that after 3 years together, having this many doubts and these very tiny details seems excessive.

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It's not really that. I do trust him when he says what he's doing. For me the point is more that he doesn't seem to be interested in talking to me on the phone/skype, even when I ask him. That makes me think he isn't really missing me, since he also hasn't said that to me at all.

 

So, make him miss you. Don't be quick to respond to his texts. Be polite and only respond in the same context he leads with. You told him once that you prefer Skype. Enforce that wish. Tell him that you will be ready at X time on X day to Skype. At that time, you be on Skype. If he doesn't "show up" within 10 minutes, you end the Skype session and call or text to say that you won't be attempting Skype for the rest of the trip and that you will speak with him when you see each other again in person.

 

Then you have a conversation to take the "temperature" of the relationship. You say something like "I love you and respect our relationship and want to work together to keep it fresh and moving forward. Is there anything you feel needs to be addressed/improved on between us?" and then let him talk.

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Eternal Sunshine

Your messages sound extremely needy to me.

 

When a guy pulls away, don't intensify the contact. Ignore him and let him come back to you.

 

I can relate to him. When I am busy with work, the last thing I want to see is a guy telling me that he wants to see me more or talk to me more. Don't be an obligation.

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