Jump to content

Emotional immaturity?


Fernando2826

Recommended Posts

Fernando2826

So I was hoping that you guys could offer me some advice. My ex and I were together for 6 months. We broke up shortly after going to uni but now she wants to meet up with me.

 

During this time, I spent a huge amount of time with her family/at her place and we went on an incredible holiday. She would say REALLY intense things like 'you're my soulmate', 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you', 'I can see our lives together', '"If I was to get pregnant, an abortion would be really hard considering it was yours" etc. She also wrote similar things in her diary apparently, so I feel that she must have believed it at the time.

 

Anyway, we agreed to try and make our relaitonship work at university (4 hours apart). After a week of separation, she stopped texting me. After 2 weeks I decided to visit. On the night that we had organised, I sent a last minute confirmation text before leaving on the long drive. She cancelled, but had completely forgotten I was coming! I agreed to come the next day and to bring her things from her house, which I retrieved from her family. I was pretty concerned but assumedthat since she had asked me to bring her things, she couldn't possibly be thinking of ending it.

 

When I arrived the next day she greeted me with tears, although would not say why. We agreed to go to dinner. She spent almost the entire drive texting another guy and her new friends, only occasionally talking to me. She then consistently looked at her phone and messaged him during the meal, before eventually apologising and putting it away. She even told him that our conversation was forced. She continued to text him on the journey home. She then took me to see some of her new friends who apparently wanted to meet me - again I assumed she wouldn't do this if she was thinking of ending it.

 

When we arrived home I asked her what was going on. She told me, almost dispassionately, that she had gone home with this guy on the phone the night before, and had slept in his bed, although denied anything had happened. At the very least, I suspect she must have kissed him and, considering the fact that she cheated on her ex, and was "afraid of messing up once at uni", I don't know whether to believe her that nothing else happened. She even checked her messages and sent a message to this other guy at one point whilst we were breaking up.

 

What I believe is that she genuinely felt strong emotions, mostly lust, for me whilst we were together and believed everything that she was saying at the time, although fluctuated between caring a great deal and not caring quite so much. When she got to university, our connection broke down due to lack of commonality and she found someone more indie, into drugs etc. I still can't understand how it happened so quickly... N

 

ow she wants to meet up, who knows why. My question is, should I feel aggrieved by her behaviour? Should I look at this as the behaviour of someone I would not want to end up spending my life with? I find myself thinking, maybe she was feeling guilty/awkward/unsure and didn't know how to end it, hence ignoring me to text other people etc. She had already admitted to being a bit of a coward when it came to ending relationships. Also there was the excitement of the first fortnight of uni to consider. Finally, perhaps the kissing/going home with someone is more understandable if it became obvious you didn't care as you thought you did for someone.

 

To me, she acted in a pretty selfish, thoughtless way, which was perhaps something I saw during the relationship also. Do you agree? Strange thing is, I had a car accident a few weeks ago and she immediately called me upon finding out - a level of caring she seemed not to show in the prior events. I wonder whether she just didn't recognise she was doing anything wrong, but then does that make her selfish in itself? I wonder if she is emotionally immature but she seems mature in other senses.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

Of course her behaviour was selfish and rude. Texting a guy she went to bed with while on a date with you? Are you kidding me? That's totally ridiculous and yes, you have a right to ticked off. She is showing she has zero respect for you, even if she wanted to end the relationship. Do not meet up with her.

 

She sounds quite young - how old is she exactly? She isn't ready for anything serious, despite all the big talk in the beginning of the relationship. She got swept up in the lust. It kind of comes with the territory with young people.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Fernando2826

She's 21. I find myself wondering whether her thoughtless, disrespectful behaviour was a reflection upon me? Did I seem weak to her?

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
She's 21. I find myself wondering whether her thoughtless, disrespectful behaviour was a reflection upon me? Did I seem weak to her?

 

No, it's not about you. I'm not sure why you think weakness was a factor. I don't see anywhere how you were weak, nor do I think it would've mattered anyway. She isn't ready for a committed relationship if she has no problems going home with another man before breaking up with you. I think she just wants to have fun.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Fernando2826
No, it's not about you. I'm not sure why you think weakness was a factor. I don't see anywhere how you were weak, nor do I think it would've mattered anyway. She isn't ready for a committed relationship if she has no problems going home with another man before breaking up with you. I think she just wants to have fun.

 

The reason I thought weakness was my depression - I always tried to put a positive spin on it i.e. "everything is more important to me now" and tried to paint it as a previous, overcome problem - but she sometimes called me up on the fact that my self-confidence was all show.

 

Also, she had a 2 year relationship with a guy before me, but then I suppose she's at uni now - all about the fun.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...