pixiehead Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 basically my boyfriend had a rough time breaking up with his ex two years ago. Back then, he slept with this lady who is now his good friend. The girl asked for sex when they were both drunk and she liked him before. This is all history and now they are good friends. She still continues to text despite my boyfriend not replying. I feel very insecure because they have been friends for 3 years and I've only been with him for 5 months. My boyfriend says he loves me a lot but he interacts with the girl quite often so I get quite insecure. I'm not sure how to deal with all these negativity because I don't want it to ruin the relationship. help?? am I being too sensitive?? I lost my virginity to him. prior to losing it to him, he claimed he only had one night stand with a random girl but last month he told me he had sex with 4 other girls previously (before he got together with me) he hid the truth from only only to tell me later because he said he was afraid of losing me. help idk what to feel or how to feel?? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Welcome to the world of adult relationships. Everyone has a past. He didn't reveal everything to you because of your inexperience, and he was being sensitive to your feelings about it. The silly thing is that he didn't save you from anything by doing it.....oh well we all make mistakes. Now it is up to you to express your feelings about this girl texting him. Let him know that you feel it's not appropriate for them to carry on with texting because there is no reason to. you are going to get "Well he should be allowed female friends" Ya but friends he hasn't slept with, or that have romantic feeling for him. This is a discussion you are going to have to have with him to clear the air. It may not be a big deal to him, but this isn't about him, this is about you and your feelings and he needs to respect them. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Your insecurities are on you. Short of blocking her I'm not sure what your BF can do. While I'm not a fan of calling a past romance a friendship now, if it was only a ONS & he isn't all over her at present, you need to find a way to be OK with it. If you can't, walk away from him because he's not going to cut her out of his life just to make you happy. You are most likely feeling particularly vulnerable because you gave him your virginity then you found out that he had sex with more prior partners then you were initially aware of. How old are you all? The younger you are, the less likely this is above board & he made a conscious choice to not have sex with her ever again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Based on what you posted, it sounds like they had drunken sex once. Not exactly what I'd call a "sexual history". It seems like they put it behind them and just focused on being friends. Plus, it sounds like your boyfriend cares about you a lot. So I'd just focus on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 basically my boyfriend had a rough time breaking up with his ex two years ago. Back then, he slept with this lady who is now his good friend. The girl asked for sex when they were both drunk and she liked him before. This is all history and now they are good friends. She still continues to text despite my boyfriend not replying. I feel very insecure because they have been friends for 3 years and I've only been with him for 5 months. My boyfriend says he loves me a lot but he interacts with the girl quite often so I get quite insecure. I'm not sure how to deal with all these negativity because I don't want it to ruin the relationship. help?? am I being too sensitive?? I lost my virginity to him. prior to losing it to him, he claimed he only had one night stand with a random girl but last month he told me he had sex with 4 other girls previously (before he got together with me) he hid the truth from only only to tell me later because he said he was afraid of losing me. help idk what to feel or how to feel?? He hasn't been responding to her and he told you the truth. Do you have any reason to distrust him, I mean has he done anything that causes you to distrust him in any other aspect of your relationship? "She still continues to text despite my boyfriend not replying" "he interacts with the girl quite often so I get quite insecure" These two statements contradict each other. Either he is replying or he's not. Everyone has a past. And, not everything comes to light all at once in a relationship. It's been 5 months and that is about the time when you really start getting to know the real person. New situations bring more information to light. It isn't that they've been hiding it necessarily. There just wasn't a reason to mention it or they haven't even been thinking about it. It wasn't important yet. Whatever. The closer you get and the more involved in their lives you become. It's a process. he hid the truth from only only to tell me later because he said he was afraid of losing me -- I find this interesting because if he felt the need to hide this information from you, it is likely you were demonstrating insecurity anyway. Unless you have empirical evidence to support being insecure in a relationship, any insecurity you have is from an internal source. Vulnerability caused by something you're carrying around from your past and are now projecting that into a current situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Any insecurity is on you, unless your b/f is cheating on you, which it sounds like he isn't. He chose you, after all. My wife and I both have close friends who are previous lovers - and a lot more-so than a drunken fling. As long as reasonable boundaries are observed (and they are, for us), there isn't an issue. Just tell him that you are a little concerned and insecure, and ask him to be loving and reassuring so this doesn't become a real problem for you. Would that work? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 So he might have scared her off if told truth about past, so that justifies omission of truth / forthright lying? All people and relationships are different. I don't do opposite sex friends, let alone former lovers or exs. I'm married, in no way would I be comfortable with my wife spending time with someone was open to having sex with. Why flirt with danger? Why trust the motivation of someone outside the relationship? Is that person so great gonna be at the potential wedding one day, and provide an outlet of advice if ever have rough spots in your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
dangerbang Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 So he might have scared her off if told truth about past, so that justifies omission of truth / forthright lying? All people and relationships are different. I don't do opposite sex friends, let alone former lovers or exs. I'm married, in no way would I be comfortable with my wife spending time with someone was open to having sex with. Why flirt with danger? Why trust the motivation of someone outside the relationship? Is that person so great gonna be at the potential wedding one day, and provide an outlet of advice if ever have rough spots in your relationship? Well yes, they would be at the wedding in these cases. You can't choose who your partner hangs around with I'm afraid. So if your wife had a one night thing with her male friend 10 years ago and they stayed friends platonically since, you "wouldn't let" her hang around with him? Link to post Share on other sites
El Pallasso Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Much ado over nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Relationships change us, changes our lives and we grow out of our friends and make new ones. In time she will meet someone and will just fade away. Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Both my girlfriend and I are friends with former lovers. The important word here is former. You should not feel jealous because you are his current lover. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Well yes, they would be at the wedding in these cases. You can't choose who your partner hangs around with I'm afraid. So if your wife had a one night thing with her male friend 10 years ago and they stayed friends platonically since, you "wouldn't let" her hang around with him? Well there is this little thing of, I wouldn't be with someone that lacked consideration for me. Marriage does have forsake all others. If wife needed to hang around other men slept with, I would chose to leave and that great friend can be her emotional support, build a life with her,and hold her hand on her death bed. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) Is he sleeping with her now? Does he leave you alone to go spend time with her alone? Is she always interfering in your relationship? Unless this above is going on, I think that you need to dial it back and not be so dramatic about it. He probably didn't tell you precisely because of how you are reacting to this information. He wasn't a virgin like you and that might be more of the problem for you than his past experiences with the 4 other girls or this friend of his. It's kind of like posts I've read where the girl is upset that her boyfriend has children by someone else and she's mad that she can't be the one who he had the experience wiith first. Nothing is going to change his past, so you need to find a way to either accept this about him or leave him. He chose to be with you and yes, I will say that he is grown and is entitled to choose his own friends. What you can choose is to either remain with him or bounce--that's what you have control over here. You've told him that you don't like her texting, I take it? So he knows, but he's not going to let you dictate his friendships to him. This ball is now in your court: stay or go. One thing is for certain, though: if you don't get a grip on your insecurity and stop allowing it to rule you, it will cause the break up of this relationship. He's not with her; he's with you, at least for this time in your life. Your chances of increasing the time you two are together would be for you to find a way to vanquish your insecurity. No one likes being made to deal with that kind of baggage. Edited April 28, 2015 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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