My girlfriend lacks ambition....any suggestions?

[Proto]

Well, my gf and I are very much in love with each other and we've been going out for about 5 months now. I'm a junior in college and I have EXTREMELY high ambitions for what I want to do and where I want to go in my life. I guess living with my dad I always had access to a lot of the finer things in life, and I want that for myself too.

 

Well anyways, my gf really isn't an ambitious person at all. She's working right now and that's really about it. She's a big party girl and likes to go out and have fun and all that stuff. I don't mind any of that at all, because she's young and she should live life to the fullest. However my concern is in the future when she gets older and its time to face more responsibilities. She said that she's scared of going to college because she thinks she'll fail, when I don't think that's the case at all. Her grandparents and her sister like to crack jokes and crap at her because she's not going to school so I don't want to fall into that category of putting her down...but at the same time she's an intelligent girl that has LOADS of potential that will be wasted if she doesn't go to college.

 

 

I've decided that I'm going to wait and hope that maybe she starts to go next year, but if that doesn't happen, what should I do? I really do love her for her, but I don't want to feel like I'm going to be going through this journey alone, know what I mean? Also what could I possibly do to maybe sway her to going to college without telling her directly, because it's a VERY SENSITIVE subject to her whenever I bring it up.

 

Thanks.

[SoleMate]

Oh, where do I start?

 

* Some people are driven and ambitious; some just aren't. I don't think I've ever seen a non-driven person become driven, nor the opposite.

 

* In the rare case where someone changes suddenly from "go with the flow" to "overachiever", it is because THAT PERSON made a decision to change.

 

* If you want a life with this girl, I recommend accepting her as she is. The chances of her becoming a striver don't seem good.

 

* If you have something you really want to say to her, like "I have a strong desire for you to have more confidence in yourself, go to college, and get a prestigious job so we can afford the finer things in life", TELL HER! I'm not impressed by your fear of her "freaking out". Sure, be diplomatic, but if you two can't have this discussion, YOU ARE NOT READY TO CONSIDER MARRIAGE.

[Proto]

Originally posted by SoleMate

Oh, where do I start?

 

* Some people are driven and ambitious; some just aren't. I don't think I've ever seen a non-driven person become driven, nor the opposite.

 

* In the rare case where someone changes suddenly from "go with the flow" to "overachiever", it is because THAT PERSON made a decision to change.

 

* If you want a life with this girl, I recommend accepting her as she is. The chances of her becoming a striver don't seem good.

 

* If you have something you really want to say to her, like "I have a strong desire for you to have more confidence in yourself, go to college, and get a prestigious job so we can afford the finer things in life", TELL HER! I'm not impressed by your fear of her "freaking out". Sure, be diplomatic, but if you two can't have this discussion, YOU ARE NOT READY TO CONSIDER MARRIAGE.

 

 

Thanks for the advice SoleMate.

 

As far as marriage we're not considering that for at least another 3 YEARS, lol! So you don't even have to worry about that. Neither of us are in a rush to get married..but we would like to down the line, that's all.

 

 

When we were first starting to go out, I told her that I think she needs to go to college because she has the potential to be really successful if she puts her mind to it....and she started crying. I don't want to judge her or look down on her because she's not going to college right now, but at the same time I want a big house, loads of awesome sports cars, awesome clothes, enough money to easily put all of our kids through college, a private jet....you know, the good life.

 

And I don't want to go through that journey to attempt to get there by myself. I was hoping that I could have a partner in crime to achieve that with me, you know? She's 21 so she's young...do you still feel that there's no way for her to come around, or is there a slight chance?

 

 

Oh, and everytime I remotely bring that up around her she gets all nervous and then quickly likes to change the subject.

[clandestinidad]

I agree w/ solemate....she's not going to magically turn into an ambitious person. If she's 21, that means she's been out of high school for what, 3-4 years (depending if she was 17 or 18 yrs old)? The statistics show that if someone hasnt gone to college at that point, then they probably never will. Since you want someone ambitious, you should re-think having a relationship w/ someone who has such a low opinion of herself that she cant even TRY furthering her education. I think you already know what you think you should do. Its always best to listen to yourself. Otherwise, imagine the resentment you will have against her as you drag her a$$ through life.

[Proto]

Originally posted by kat23

I agree w/ solemate....she's not going to magically turn into an ambitious person. If she's 21, that means she's been out of high school for what, 3-4 years (depending if she was 17 or 18 yrs old)? The statistics show that if someone hasnt gone to college at that point, then they probably never will. Since you want someone ambitious, you should re-think having a relationship w/ someone who has such a low opinion of herself that she cant even TRY furthering her education. I think you already know what you think you should do. Its always best to listen to yourself. Otherwise, imagine the resentment you will have against her as you drag her a$$ through life.

 

 

Yeah, you're right.

 

 

But I do owe it to myself to keep the relationship going for at least another year because that is the only fault she has. She's otherwise an all-around AMAZING girl. I really could see myself marrying her way down the road...I just wish she would go to school.

 

Also, she even told me that she needs to go to school and that she HATES HER JOB. Her dad likes me because I'm a college boy and her sister always prods her because I'm going to college and she's not.

 

Don't get it twisted though I'm fully listening and heeding your advice and I WILL take it....in a year's time. I'm just gonna be patient for now and ride it out since she's so awesome in every other area.

[moimeme]

Well, don't approach it as an issue about going to university. Approach it as a career issue. Ask her how she would like to spend her days. Ask her what she'd to be if she could be anything. Maybe even get her to read Barbara Sher's Wishcraft which is available free online here http://www.wishcraft.com/

 

Some people tend to go through life ignoring the fact that the future looms before them. Remind her that for her whole life bills will need to be paid for things like food and clothing and in order to have enough cash to pay those bills, she'll need to work - and she might as well try to find something she actually enjoys to work at.

 

Is it possible she's always thought of being a stay-at-home mom and that's why she has no particular aspirations when it comes to work?

[Proto]

Originally posted by moimeme

Well, don't approach it as an issue about going to university. Approach it as a career issue. Ask her how she would like to spend her days. Ask her what she'd to be if she could be anything. Maybe even get her to read Barbara Sher's Wishcraft which is available free online here http://www.wishcraft.com/

 

Some people tend to go through life ignoring the fact that the future looms before them. Remind her that for her whole life bills will need to be paid for things like food and clothing and in order to have enough cash to pay those bills, she'll need to work - and she might as well try to find something she actually enjoys to work at.

 

Is it possible she's always thought of being a stay-at-home mom and that's why she has no particular aspirations when it comes to work?

 

 

 

Well she said once that she was interested in becoming a cosmetologist, which isn't bad, but doesn't really pay the bills..know what I'm sayin? She does like to write too, so maybe that's something also I can talk to her about.

 

Oh, and as far as the stay-at-home mom I asked her about that and she said that she ABSOLEUTLY WON'T be a stay at home mom. She wants to work (which I would prefer as well...no offense to homemakers though).

[johan]

You don't respect her.

 

I had a friend like this. He was dating a great girl, but he didn't agree with how she was approaching her life. She didn't do things his way. He'd comment and pressure her. He didn't love her for who she was. He loved his fantasy of what he wished she was. I don't think he would have loved her no matter what she did. He'd always be second-guessing her. He couldn't bring himself to respect her.

 

She actually was doing what was best for her. She wasn't choosing failure or mediocrity.

 

I consider it a major display of disloyalty and disrespect for you to label her as "unambitious". I also consider it pretentious on your part to presume you have the answers for her, as if the path you would choose for her is the only one worth choosing and she should do it on the schedule you think is right. Not to mention, you've taken the time to type it all up out here in a public forum. If you actually loved her like you say, then you'd respect her choices and trust that she'll do just fine. Sooner or later she'll automatically figure out something to do with her life. I'm willing to bet you won't respect that choice either.

 

These things wear a relationship down. Sooner or later you'll be saying what my friend did: "what went so wrong? I thought things were great. I wanted to marry her. I just wanted the best for her." Bull. There's a not-so-fine line between a) offering loving guidance and b) just being controlling and disrespectful.

 

Be careful what you wish for by the way. An ambitious, driven woman will be likely to have plenty of priorities besides you.

[johan]

Well she said once that she was interested in becoming a cosmetologist, which isn't bad, but doesn't really pay the bills..know what I'm sayin?

I think I know what you're sayin. Is it "she'd better be makin enough money or I'll be bitchin all the time"?

[moimeme]

I think a man has every right to worry about the ambition - or lack thereof - of a future partner as does a woman. Some people take longer to go about getting their lives in order and this lass sounds like one of them. She already hates her job, so it's not as though she's delighted with the life she's leading as it is. It's worth it to help her find her way. Plenty of people don't know exactly what they want in life at the ripe old age of 21.

 

However, if she's not as into having the mega-houses, multi-cars, (and all the other goodies that you'll find out don't substitute for a wonderful relationship with a terrific woman) as you are, you two may be too far apart in values to bother trying to make a life together. It's one thing to have low ambition and quite another to not be voraciously greedy. If you absolutely must have a partner who, like you, can't envison life without masses of goodies, best go hunting in the faculty of business for ladies intent on being stockbrokers or merchant bankers because your lady may want the better things in life - good relationships with the people around her, for instance.

[Proto]

Originally posted by johan

You don't respect her.

 

I had a friend like this. He was dating a great girl, but he didn't agree with how she was approaching her life. She didn't do things his way. He'd comment and pressure her. He didn't love her for who she was. He loved his fantasy of what he wished she was. I don't think he would have loved her no matter what she did. He'd always be second-guessing her. He couldn't bring himself to respect her.

 

She actually was doing what was best for her. She wasn't choosing failure or mediocrity.

 

I consider it a major display of disloyalty and disrespect for you to label her as "unambitious". I also consider it pretentious on your part to presume you have the answers for her, as if the path you would choose for her is the only one worth choosing and she should do it on the schedule you think is right. Not to mention, you've taken the time to type it all up out here in a public forum. If you actually loved her like you say, then you'd respect her choices and trust that she'll do just fine. Sooner or later she'll automatically figure out something to do with her life. I'm willing to bet you won't respect that choice either.

 

These things wear a relationship down. Sooner or later you'll be saying what my friend did: "what went so wrong? I thought things were great. I wanted to marry her. I just wanted the best for her." Bull. There's a not-so-fine line between a) offering loving guidance and b) just being controlling and disrespectful.

 

Be careful what you wish for by the way. An ambitious, driven woman will be likely to have plenty of priorities besides you.

 

 

Kiss my ass.

 

I've not ONCE disrespected nor put down my girlfriend in any way, shape or form, PERIOD. Did you not read my post you fool? Her grandparents and her sister have made fun of her because she's not going to college yet I stuck up for her while they put her down. The reason why she's not going to college yet is because, like I already said she's scared to go and fail. If I didn't respect her choices I would've left already, that's why I said that I'm going to stay with her longer because she's DONE EVERYTHING ELSE RIGHT FOR ME. Are you that stupid where you don't know how to read posts before you spew crap?

 

 

It has nothing to do with disrespect you dolt, it has everything to do with her going through with what SHE WANTS TO DO. She is the one who came to me saying that she needs to go to school and that she's scared to. I wouldn't be a good boyfriend if I didn't encourage her along the way to realize her full potential to actually accomplish even greater things in life. I'm not a lazy-ass like you and sit back and accept mediocrity in the face of brilliance. She's a girl who has the potential to be amazing and in the process realize just how awesome of a person she is instead of looking down on herself all the time.

 

And don't give me that crap about disloyalty or disrespect. Suggesting to her that she should become more ambitious to accomplish what she's very able to accomplish is far from disrespect, pal. That, and also the fact that I plan on helping her every damn step of the way when she's ready to go (hopefully) shows that I'm one of the most loyal people to her ever.

 

I don't mind people giving me advice on issues...but calling me out like that aint gonna fly with me at all.

[Proto]

Originally posted by moimeme

I think a man has every right to worry about the ambition - or lack thereof - of a future partner as does a woman. Some people take longer to go about getting their lives in order and this lass sounds like one of them. She already hates her job, so it's not as though she's delighted with the life she's leading as it is. It's worth it to help her find her way. Plenty of people don't know exactly what they want in life at the ripe old age of 21.

 

However, if she's not as into having the mega-houses, multi-cars, (and all the other goodies that you'll find out don't substitute for a wonderful relationship with a terrific woman) as you are, you two may be too far apart in values to bother trying to make a life together. It's one thing to have low ambition and quite another to not be voraciously greedy. If you absolutely must have a partner who, like you, can't envison life without masses of goodies, best go hunting in the faculty of business for ladies intent on being stockbrokers or merchant bankers because your lady may want the better things in life - good relationships with the people around her, for instance.

 

 

Watch it....

 

I'm not a greedy person, alright? Don't stick your nose up at me just because I'm busting my ass to achieve the absolute best that I can possibly get. I tell my gf about what I want every day and she tells me that she absoleutly loves it. All I want is to be with someone who can at least be in the same frame of mind with me in terms of reaching to get the best things possible. I don't appreciate being labled as some souless money grubber who doesn't care about his girl. Did you not read my post?? I already said that I'm going to stay with her through another year because in every other way she is absolutely perfect.

[johan]

Settle down, junior. If you don't like what I said, feel free to disregard it.

 

I'm a junior in college and I have EXTREMELY high ambitions for what I want to do and where I want to go in my life. I guess living with my dad I always had access to a lot of the finer things in life, and I want that for myself too.

This is a strong statement that indicates you are materialistic. I think that's why Moi said what she did about your values. You can choose your own values from my perspective. The fact that you capitalized "extremely" tells me you hold yourself in very high regard. I think the rest of your posts show the same thing. By the way, can you quantify your extreme ambition, so that we can understand what standard it is she isn't meeting? You're apparently at the top of your class at an ivy league university, running a business on the side. That's what I gather.

 

Well anyways, my gf really isn't an ambitious person at all. She's working right now and that's really about it. She's a big party girl and likes to go out and have fun and all that stuff. I don't mind any of that at all, because she's young and she should live life to the fullest.

The tone of this is pretty condescending, in my opinion. Especially the last sentence.

 

However my concern is in the future when she gets older and its time to face more responsibilities

This one, too. Very nice and fatherly of you. This tells me you think you're thinking of her future for her. You'll get better results letting her think for herself. I suggest you encourage her to go to college, but accept her choice.

 

She said that she's scared of going to college because she thinks she'll fail, when I don't think that's the case at all. Her grandparents and her sister like to crack jokes and crap at her because she's not going to school so I don't want to fall into that category of putting her down...but at the same time she's an intelligent girl that has LOADS of potential that will be wasted if she doesn't go to college.

I did pick up on this the first time I read all your posts. As a "lazy-ass who sits back in the face of brilliance" I have plenty of time to read complete posts before responding. I haven't missed any of your brilliance.

 

I've decided that I'm going to wait and hope that maybe she starts to go next year, but if that doesn't happen, what should I do? I really do love her for her, but I don't want to feel like I'm going to be going through this journey alone, know what I mean? Also what could I possibly do to maybe sway her to going to college without telling her directly, because it's a VERY SENSITIVE subject to her whenever I bring it up.

What journey is it you're worried about going through alone? Are you supporting her, or just hoping she can keep up with your "EXTREMELY" high pace, as you seek out the finer things in life? Again, you're thinking of leaving her, if I read you right. In every other way she's perfect, you've said several times. But if she isn't matching your pace, you're going to feel alone.

 

I've not ONCE disrespected nor put down my girlfriend in any way, shape or form, PERIOD. Did you not read my post you fool? Her grandparents and her sister have made fun of her because she's not going to college yet I stuck up for her while they put her down. The reason why she's not going to college yet is because, like I already said she's scared to go and fail. If I didn't respect her choices I would've left already, that's why I said that I'm going to stay with her longer because she's DONE EVERYTHING ELSE RIGHT FOR ME. Are you that stupid where you don't know how to read posts before you spew crap?

I read your posts. I thought your tone was condescending to her.

 

It has nothing to do with disrespect you dolt, it has everything to do with her going through with what SHE WANTS TO DO.

And according to what you said above, she has about a year to get on with it. Or you're considering leaving her, if I read you right. So please explain how a good, strong relationship with her means more to you than what she amounts to in life in your eyes. You've clearly stated that she's on a schedule with you to get onto your path so you don't have to go it alone. Are you feeling alone right now?

 

And don't give me that crap about disloyalty or disrespect. Suggesting to her that she should become more ambitious to accomplish what she's very able to accomplish is far from disrespect, pal. That, and also the fact that I plan on helping her every damn step of the way when she's ready to go (hopefully) shows that I'm one of the most loyal people to her ever.

You were right to defend her. And I think you are also right to commiting to be there for her along the way. It isn't clear what kind of help you're offering, but I respect that. But I also still am uncomfortable with you questioning her ambition. I still think your tone indicates more condescension than it does true regard for her as a person. At least until I called you on it. Then you angrily switched right over into supportive boyfriend mode. I don't agree that you're all that loyal to her. You're threatening to dump her if she doesn't get it together in a year. You wouldn't be able to stay with such a loser. Hm. Are you worried she's really a lazy-ass who sits back in the face of brilliance? Do you respond to her the same way you did to me?

 

I don't want to judge her or look down on her because she's not going to college right now...

But she has a year before you judge that she's not good enough for you.

 

, but at the same time I want a big house, loads of awesome sports cars, awesome clothes, enough money to easily put all of our kids through college, a private jet....you know, the good life.

This is what Moimeme was talking about. Your good life. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't care at all about jets and sports cars. Here's a question for you. If you're EXTREMELY ambitious, then it should be no problem for you to provide all these things yourself. What do you need her ambition for then? Seems like you could provide all the material items and she should be able to do whatever she wants. You're the man here after all. If anyone is going to buy the jet, it might as well be you. Let her be a florist if she wants. I'm not suggesting she leech off of you. I am suggesting that she could live her life as a volunteer or get some other kind of rewarding job where it doesn't matter what she makes. Would you love her still? Would you support that?

 

Well she said once that she was interested in becoming a cosmetologist, which isn't bad, but doesn't really pay the bills..know what I'm sayin?

I think that's the answer to my question. No, you wouldn't support it.

 

I don't mind people giving me advice on issues...but calling me out like that aint gonna fly with me at all.

Well, you can rely on others to deliver a gentle supportive "I'm trying to see it your way" message. I don't have patience for that with you. I'm telling you what your posts sounded like to me. Of course that wouldn't fly with you at all if it were true. Were you here for truth?

 

You haven't convinced me that I'm wrong. I went back to your posts and re-read them and I feel even more strongly about what I said than I did the first time. I also re-read mine and didn't find much offensive in it. Except maybe some sarcasm. I definitely don't feel I should be kissing your ass.

[magda]

People change, Proto.. You will change, she will change. It's pretty likely that you will change when you realize that these things don't come very easy and that being comfortable and having a smooth pace through life is a project in itself. But ya never know what's in store..

 

You should be able to talk to her about why she cries when college is mentioned. Why should she be so emotional about it? Perhaps she grew up being told she'd never amount to anything and she's fulfilling the prophecy. It might actually be a good sign that she freaks out about it, because it might then mean that she might make a choice to go someday when she's ready to conquer her demons. She probably won't, though, if she's pressured to do it as a means to an end she's not wild about.

 

College is one option, but she could perhaps become a business owner of a salon, get a real estate license, work for a company that pays for higher education.. if she wants to, she can make use of many opportunities. You should try to find out what is blocking her from considering college as an option in a way that doesn't make her feel bad. Maybe you can help her get through that and see her ready to challenge herself that way. Good luck.

[mereduke]

I can give good advice on this one b/c I was once to myself an underachiever. I spent all of high school and the past 4 years partying non stop. I would start school and quit and work and start school and quit. But look at me now. I work 2 part-time jobs and go to two different colleges. I just kind of woke up one day and realized that I wanted to be independant. From then I opened doors for myself and recieved great response. Your girlfriend will get to that point, but she just has to do it on her own time her own way. Its the laziness disease. For now your job is to support her emotionally and give her plenty of praise when she is accomplishing things. Good luck.

[dumbfounded guest]

Ok..So which one of you is DR. LAURA? Lets just shut this one down, now.

 

 

shessh!

[moimeme]

Watch it....

 

Or else what?

 

I'm not a greedy person, alright?

 

Could've fooled me:

 

I want a big house, loads of awesome sports cars, awesome clothes, enough money to easily put all of our kids through college, a private jet

 

All I want is to be with someone who can at least be in the same frame of mind with me in terms of reaching to get the best things possible.

 

Which, apparently, are all material possessions. And which is exactly what I said. She might not have the same urge to own goodies that you do.

 

Did you not read my post??

 

Did you not read mine? I said IF you are the sort of person. But the shoe must fit, and uncomfortably so, for you to react the way you have.

[johan]

I don't mean to rip on Proto or turn him into an enemy. But I still don't accept the idea that this is all just him wanting the best for her. It sounds selfish and materialistic to me, and the threats to leave are confirmation of it. It's like he has some kind of image of who he wants to be with and she isn't pouring herself into his mold fast enough.

 

The true and deep love he is claiming to have wouldn't show up like this. That kind of love isn't conditioned on the ability to buy jets and cars, college degrees and ambition. He should consider whether he really feels that kind of love for her. That kind of honesty is rare. On the other hand he has been honest about it. He's moving on without her in a year if she doesn't get it together.

 

I totally agree that she'll have a greater shot at a satisfying life if she goes to college. I'm just not sure why a man would leave a woman if she delays figuring out what she wants. That's more his responsibilty than hers. She's young. She'll figure it out someday. Their both young, so things will change for both of them.

 

Money conflicts screw up many marriages. When the man is EXTREMELY ambitious and determined to provide the finer things in life, then I'm sure money won't be an issue, unless he doesn't think sharing with his partner is important. I wouldn't let her be a leech, but I wouldn't dump a good woman who is "perfect in every other way" for a lack of ambition.

 

I'm still very curious what he means when he says he's "EXTREMELY ambitious". I'd just like to know what kind of achiever he is that he feels he can put this kind of pressure on her.

[moimeme]

The true and deep love he is claiming to have wouldn't show up like this. That kind of love isn't conditioned on the ability to buy jets and cars, college degrees and ambition

 

I'd agree except that couples need to share values to succeed. If she is a person like me who thinks having that stuff might be interesting but isn't necessary to life would do very badly with someone whose chief ambition seems to be to acquire masses of material things. It's like the porn issue - while you'd think two people who think differently about whether to watch it or not 'should' get along, people are so wrapped up in it that they are willing to ditch relationships for it.

 

He seems to be most interested in getting stuff as his goal in life. If she's not of the same mind, he will do her a great favour by ditching her in favour of someone with similar ambitions because they'll never share the same ideal of a future life - get where 'I'm coming from'? She'll want to maybe be social (remember - she's already a party gal so she likes people and fun) and I'm guessing he'll be the workaholic who spends all his waking time figuring out how to get richer and comes home at eight every night to work some more. Now, see why it actually does matter quite a bit? You need a similar vision of the future to work towards or it just won't work at all.

[clandestinidad]

Alright...I gotta admit, after a while of reading these LOOOONG rants from people I'm exhausted!

 

I gotta say a few things: If someone wants a "materialistic" lifestyle b/c thats what they are used to, then so be it. What bothers me about some comments about this "lavish" life Proto wants to live is the fact that they are SO DAMN high & mighty, and judgemental!!! So what if YOU want a life where you have to strictly follow a budget, and someone else wants to work his ass off for his family so that they dont have to!! GET OFF IT!! Your "poor" existence doesnt make you a better or more loving person!!!!

 

Some people just fall into a certain lifestyle, while others fight to have the one they want. If they can balance family and work properly, then hats off to them!

 

I am a very ambitious, independent person...I intend to make great money and take care of myself and my little girl, with or without a husband's income. MANY men desire someone who is able to stand on their own and support themselves for many reasons. Some reasons might be: so that the pressure isnt completely on THEM to provide everything (meaning have both parties bring in money); so that they know that if something were to ever happen to them the wife could provide for the family; so that they would have extra income to live more comfortably, so that they dont feel like they're having to drag everyone through life, etc etc....

 

I really dont think Proto gives a crap what this girl does, as long as she's doing SOMEthing end enjoying it! I do think that he wants someone that has a career and goals! There is NOTHING wrong with that, b/c just about EVERY woman wants an ambitious man with goals! Some people are just more in-tune, or attracted to, or have more in common with someone who has the same views in life...in this case ambition!

 

I do agree on one thing that johan and Moi mentioned....I agree that it's not fair to be with someone for a set amount of time, waiting/hoping that she decides to do something with herself. If she doesnt have the self-esteem to further her education and move forward, or aim for things in life, then many other aspects of her life will also suffer. I dont know many people who want to be with someone who is so low on themselves, and have to drag them through life, or even convince them to do something with their life. Unfortunately, she probably wont grow self-esteem b/c of someone else, its gotta be internal. I just think this "year of waiting/hoping" might be putting off the inevitable, and thats not fair to her to be with her for that long and then break it off b/c she didnt change herself fast enough (if she ever does)

[Proto]

First of all, to kat23...

 

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Finally someone who understands exactly my point of view and where I'm coming from. Someone who's ambitous too, like you, can understand my desire to be with a woman who doesn't exactly want the SAME things that I want, but can relate to me wanting to better myself.

 

I also do agree with you on that last paragraph (finally someone with some constructive criticism! ).

 

I went out to eat tonight with a friend of mine who I haven't talked to in a long time. Well anyways, he's 24 and he went to school, got awesome grades, and then moved up here to Colorado and just worked. Well he finally told me that he's really sick of that and wants to get movin and get a plan for what he wants to do, so he's enrolling at CU (my school), next semester! I'm really happy for him because he's an intelligent guy who clearly needs to go to school to sharpen his skills and take his career and his life to the next level.

 

 

Well anyways I started thinking about Kayla after this and realized that this is very much a mirror situation. Kayla is intelligent, bright, and got pretty good grades in high school (3.5 GPA overall). She has the potential AND YES, THE DESIRE, to be somebody even better than she is right now. Yes, I said better. Not only in terms of a better job, but also in terms of better drive, focus, and confidence. I realized that if my friend can finally realize that he's sick and tired of doing his menial work and wants to go to school to further his education and career, then so can Kayla. But it would be unfair of me to wait around for a year for her to get started when it took my friend until 24 to "catch the bug" and get started with the next phase of his life.

 

Sooo....I'm going to focus on busting my ass and finishing school. Kayla's many other amazing qualities are so strong that they overshadow the fact that she isn't going to school or anything (FOR NOW). Eventually later on I will hope that by then she'll have caught the bug and she'll want to start going to school too. You're absolutely right kat, she will need to catch fire on her own in order for her to get going...I can't do it for her. I have confidence in her that she CAN do it though because she's already told me that she wants to, I just think she should go when she's absolutely ready.

 

I'm planning on moving up to Seattle for the summer and my dad's looking to hook me up with an internship through Microsoft. If I can land that internship, plus see her every week (as opposed to every month), she'll see first hand just how much my work is paying off, and that'll help as well. I'm not going to go into her grandparents/sister's camp and look down on her just because she's not going to college...that doesn't make her any less of a person otherwise (which I NEVER suggested in the first place, johan). She knows where I stand on this and she knows where she stands too...I just want her to be able to muster up the strength to walk into that doorway, knowing that I'm gonna be there walking in with her with my hand holding hers. She aint gonna do this alone.

[Proto]

Oh, I also want to thank mereduke and magda for their advice too. You're right mereduke, my job is to support her and give her praise. I think I do a pretty good job of that now but I'm just gonna keep it up. I told her that if it's 4am in the morning, and she needs help writing a paper, that she better not at all hesitate to call me and wake me up. That's what I'm here for.

[moimeme]

MANY men desire someone who is able to stand on their own and support themselves for many reasons

 

There is a big difference between standing on one's own and supporting oneself and having goals which focus primarily on acquisition. I have been standing on my own and supporting myself my whole adult life - in and out of relationships, marriage, whatever - I have always made my way. However it's not my main desire to acquire and it sounds as if this dude's is. In fact, I've yet to meet anybody - male or female - whose chief ambition has been to acquire lots of stuff.

 

The point being, again, that a couple needs to share values and visions of the future and these two may not. She may be perfectly happy earning her keep, but the amount of cash you need for that differs greatly from the amount of cash you need to have big houses and large numbers of cars and not everybody wants to put forth the effort required to amass that much cash.