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The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

View Poll Results: Who should pay for dates?
Men always should pay 60 22.30%
Women always should pay 5 1.86%
Men and women should take turns paying 182 67.66%
I have no opinion/other/see comments 22 8.18%
Voters: 269. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 25th April 2015, 7:33 PM   #61
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if a man didn't offer to pay for the first date, I'd simply pay for myself. But I'd be disappointed because I'd feel that it was a sign that he's not that into me.
Yeah, just for the record, if I had any interest in seeing the woman again I'd definitely offer to pay for the first one - and I'd be reluctant to accept anything if she offered - if she did I'd suggest something like get it next time.
Maybe I am just as affected by societal pressures as everyone
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Old 25th April 2015, 7:33 PM   #62
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And let's flip it around - I would think a woman who never offers to pay is likely to be that way in a relationship - always taking what she can get and offering little in return.
That might be right she might be like that but OTOH she just might be super traditional ... in my social life though people pay for each other all the time EXCEPT usually if a guy asks a girl out on a date it is kind of assumed he'll pay. Once they're in a relationship that is all different though.
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Old 25th April 2015, 7:37 PM   #63
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Who pays for dates is a social etiquette thing it's not really a question of "equality" like being able to vote and equal pay for equal work type things!! Everybody can choose do do as they like as far as paying for dates!!
Men paying for dates originated from a time when women were incapable of paying due to lack of their own income. You're right, everyone can choose to do as they like, but there are consequences for going against the social norms. There are plenty of women who will automatically shun a man for not opening his wallet early on. I almost always pay since I never know when a woman is "testing" me.
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Old 25th April 2015, 7:39 PM   #64
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Yeah, just for the record, if I had any interest in seeing the woman again I'd definitely offer to pay for the first one - and I'd be reluctant to accept anything if she offered - if she did I'd suggest something like get it next time.
Maybe I am just as affected by societal pressures as everyone
See? It's that simple. A guy who really likes a woman wants to pay. And a woman who really likes a guy is thrilled because it is a sign that he really likes her, too.

It ain't about the free pasta
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Old 25th April 2015, 7:46 PM   #65
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It ain't about the free pasta
While I admit this is an outlier, sometimes it is about the free pasta.
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Old 25th April 2015, 8:01 PM   #66
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And let's flip it around - I would think a woman who never offers to pay is likely to be that way in a relationship - always taking what she can get and offering little in return.
The key is communication early on.

Here's what I do. A GREAT question to ask is "What are a few of your deal breakers when dating someone?" She'll answer and then ask you what yours are. This works well because you're speaking in generalities without directly aiming at her. But it allows you to get your point across. One thing I always say is " I won't date a woman that expects me to plan and pay for every single date. I enjoy handling the details usually, but I appreciate it when she takes an active interest so it isn't one sided."

Answering anything under this question is really powerful. Once again, it isn't directly aimed at her. But it's telling her in one way or another what you won't tolerate.
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Old 25th April 2015, 8:41 PM   #67
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See, this is where I don't agree with a lot of the posters here. I don't feel that a man's interest in dating me or his interest in getting to know me is hinged upon him offering to pay for the date or always paying for the dates (even earlier on). For me, a man's interest in dating me is shown when he speaks up and asks me if I'd like to go out on a date with him.

Whether it's a first date or a fourth date, I always take out my debit card to pay my way. ALWAYS. If the guy says, "No no, I got this!" Then I'd say, "Are you sure?" and if he says, "Yeah!" then I'd say, "Cool. I got it next time!" And that'll be that. I'd NEVER put a guy on the spot by expecting him to buy my meal or to pay my admittance ticket, etc. Why should he pay my way for ANYTHING?? I'm a complete stranger - he doesn't know me from Adam! Not only that, but by paying my own way EVERY time, it keeps things even and respectful. There won't be any obligations or expectations from either side. I would feel very uncomfortable if a guy paid my way on a date without me paying my way first; it would make me feel inferior, like I'm incapable of paying for myself - and, a LOT of guys expect 'something' at the end of the evening just because they paid a woman's way. Or, they expect you to continue to date them even if there's no chem or connection present. Um, no way!

For all of the traditional women out there who insist on men paying their way on the first date or on subsequent dates because they think it's "romantic" or "chivalrous" of the guy to do that or because they hinge his willingness to pay for them as a sign of his "interest" in them, then that's their call to make. If it works for them, great. But, that mode of thinking doesn't work for me. I'm not interested in a guy's money, or what he buys me, or where he spends money on to take me somewhere. I'm interested in HIM. I'm interested in whether I'm attracted to him physically, to his personality and whether there's any chem or connection between us. If we get into a relationship, and he wants to buy me a gift or take me somewhere, that's all well and good. As long as he's comfortable with me reciprocating that, then it's gonna be a fun and awesome relationship!



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Old 25th April 2015, 8:52 PM   #68
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For all of the traditional women out there who insist on men paying their way on the first date or on subsequent dates because they think it's "romantic" or "chivalrous" of the guy to do that or because they hinge his willingness to pay for them as a sign of his "interest" in them, then that's their call to make. If it works for them, great. But, that mode of thinking doesn't work for me. I'm not interested in a guy's money, or what he buys me, or where he spends money on to take me somewhere. I'm interested in HIM. I'm interested in whether I'm attracted to him physically, to his personality and whether there's any chem or connection between us. If we get into a relationship, and he wants to buy me a gift or take me somewhere, that's all well and good. As long as he's comfortable with me reciprocating that, then it's gonna be a fun and awesome relationship!

.
Haha that's directly referencing my post here. I get it. We have different dating styles.

But I am not a materialistic person. I've said also that a man's chivalry paying for the date doesn't guarantee that he has good character or is someone financially stable. I guess I live in an idealistic world, or maybe some would consider it a fantasy world. But it does make me feel more feminine, to have a guy offer to pay for my dinner or movie tickets. The way George Bailey promised Mary Hatch he'd lasso the moon for her at 1:00 into this clip. I will always be a romantic at heart like that.
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Old 25th April 2015, 9:36 PM   #69
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Haha that's directly referencing my post here. I get it. We have different dating styles.
Whoa, are you serious? I didn't even read your post before I posted mine lol. But, I did read posts from the other members that specifically stated those very same things!

Yeah, we both have different dating styles, but, whatever works for each of us is what counts - which is what I stated at the end of my post! That being said, what makes me feel feminine and what makes me think the guy is being chivalrous and romantic is when he opens doors for me, places his hand gently on my lower back when we're entering a building or when we're about to sit down at a table...when he genuinely listens to me while I'm talking, when he brushes the hair out of my eyes or touches my long hair...when he looks into my eyes and it's like he's looking into my soul lol....stuff like that!


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Old 25th April 2015, 9:48 PM   #70
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Whoa, are you serious? I didn't even read your post before I posted mine lol. But, I did read posts from the other members that specifically stated those very same things!

Yeah, we both have different dating styles, but, whatever works for each of us is what counts - which is what I stated at the end of my post! That being said, what makes me feel feminine and what makes me think the guy is being chivalrous and romantic is when he opens doors for me, places his hand gently on my lower back when we're entering a building or when we're about to sit down at a table...when he genuinely listens to me while I'm talking, when he brushes the hair out of my eyes or touches my long hair...when he looks into my eyes and it's like he's looking into my soul lol....stuff like that!


.
Haha! Yep! And I like your examples of men's chivalry too! I like it when men do those for me as well! Different dating styles, but we still think alike sometimes!
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Old 25th April 2015, 10:25 PM   #71
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See, this is where I don't agree with a lot of the posters here. I don't feel that a man's interest in dating me or his interest in getting to know me is hinged upon him offering to pay for the date or always paying for the dates (even earlier on). For me, a man's interest in dating me is shown when he speaks up and asks me if I'd like to go out on a date with him.

Whether it's a first date or a fourth date, I always take out my debit card to pay my way. ALWAYS. If the guy says, "No no, I got this!" Then I'd say, "Are you sure?" and if he says, "Yeah!" then I'd say, "Cool. I got it next time!" And that'll be that. I'd NEVER put a guy on the spot by expecting him to buy my meal or to pay my admittance ticket, etc. Why should he pay my way for ANYTHING?? I'm a complete stranger - he doesn't know me from Adam! Not only that, but by paying my own way EVERY time, it keeps things even and respectful. There won't be any obligations or expectations from either side. I would feel very uncomfortable if a guy paid my way on a date without me paying my way first; it would make me feel inferior, like I'm incapable of paying for myself - and, a LOT of guys expect 'something' at the end of the evening just because they paid a woman's way. Or, they expect you to continue to date them even if there's no chem or connection present. Um, no way!

For all of the traditional women out there who insist on men paying their way on the first date or on subsequent dates because they think it's "romantic" or "chivalrous" of the guy to do that or because they hinge his willingness to pay for them as a sign of his "interest" in them, then that's their call to make. If it works for them, great. But, that mode of thinking doesn't work for me. I'm not interested in a guy's money, or what he buys me, or where he spends money on to take me somewhere. I'm interested in HIM. I'm interested in whether I'm attracted to him physically, to his personality and whether there's any chem or connection between us. If we get into a relationship, and he wants to buy me a gift or take me somewhere, that's all well and good. As long as he's comfortable with me reciprocating that, then it's gonna be a fun and awesome relationship!



.


This is how I feel about the first meet from a dating site. I really should not be paying for anything
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Old 25th April 2015, 10:45 PM   #72
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Haha that's directly referencing my post here. I get it. We have different dating styles.

But I am not a materialistic person. I've said also that a man's chivalry paying for the date doesn't guarantee that he has good character or is someone financially stable. I guess I live in an idealistic world, or maybe some would consider it a fantasy world. But it does make me feel more feminine, to have a guy offer to pay for my dinner or movie tickets. The way George Bailey promised Mary Hatch he'd lasso the moon for her at 1:00 into this clip. I will always be a romantic at heart like that.
I love that movie, and that clip is one of my favourites.
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Old 26th April 2015, 1:40 AM   #73
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What about when a friend turns and says 'ok, you owe me $1.75 for half of the buy one get one free coffee' and was actually serious. Awkward. Forgetting that last time I paid $12 for his movie ticket. Not that I want to keep a tally, but come on. Tight as.
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Old 26th April 2015, 1:48 AM   #74
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It's really interesting how despite multiple attempts at explaining it, some people can't seem to grasp the difference between an 'expectation' and 'something someone does that happens to increase your attraction towards them'.

Anyway, as I've said before on these threads... it's really just a cultural thing IMO - there's no right or wrong. Where I grew up in Asia the guy almost always paid for dates, and in fact it was so ingrained in our culture that if a waiter knows you're a couple, he gives the bill to the guy right away, no asking if you want to pay separately. (In case some of you were wondering, there was no 'expectation' of anything at the end of the evening either - sex on the third date was extremely rare there and most guys were happy to wait months at the very least). But where I currently live (egalitarian Caucasian culture) it seems like most of the younger couples go dutch (and sex typically happens a lot earlier).

Personally going dutch screams 'platonic friends!!!!' to me , probably due to cultural conditioning - it was sort of an unspoken rule in many Asian countries that if you like the guy, you allow him to pay for you when he insists, whereas if you want to enforce platonic boundaries you insist on going dutch. Similarly a guy who was trying to pursue you would always try to pay, whereas a platonic friend who wasn't interested in anything romantic would not. Social signals and all that. So even if I were to be in a R where we each pay 50% on dates, I'd rather just take turns treating than split the bill.

But, different strokes for different folks...
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Last edited by Elswyth; 26th April 2015 at 1:56 AM..
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Old 26th April 2015, 1:58 AM   #75
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It's really interesting how despite multiple attempts at explaining it, some people can't seem to grasp the difference between an 'expectation' and 'something someone does that happens to increase your attraction towards them'.
These are not mutually exclusive. Someone can expect the other party to pay and be more attracted as a result. Someone can also expect the other party not to pay and not experience increased attraction when the other party surprises them and does pay.
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Personally going dutch screams 'platonic friends!!!!
I only go dutch with casual acquaintances. I take turns with my close friends. Two people on the first date are just acquaintances though. They're "nothing" yet.
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