Jump to content

Wanting someone who doesnt hide things!!!


clandestinidad

Recommended Posts

clandestinidad

Hi there...I have a question regarding my boyfriend (not sure if we'll be together or not at this point, actually)

 

He's been hiding things/lying about things off and on through our relationship. When he does this and I find out, I get extremely mad. I feel like in a serious relationship both partners should be open and honest and up front about everything. Let me explain what happened most recently....

 

He has a friend (a girl) who he's never met, but met online, and they liked each other. She lives many states away, but they still talk on the phone. I am fine with him talking to her, she's his friend. I'm NOT fine with the fact that he hides it from me! Then it makes me think that there's a reason he's hiding it (or flat out lying to me). He says that he doesnt tell me things that he knows will upset me. The thing is...he's NEVER been up front with me about things like that, and when I find out that he was purposely keeping it from me THEN I get mad. He cant say how I would react, because he's never been up front with me! I wouldnt get upset about things if he told me about them! Its the hiding & lying that pisses me off!

 

This type of thing has been happening for a while, and I'm sick of it. He doesnt understand that I think people should tell each other what goes on, and that purposely leaving something out or lying about it indicates a problem. He says that I'm just worried that he'll cheat on me, so I want to be controlling and make him "report to me". The thing is, when he's telling me about his day (i.e. work, after work, talking to his parents, talking to his guy friend, etc) he tells me everything BUT anything having to do with a female. I view that as keeping it purposely hidden, and sometimes he even lies. I dont know why its viewed as "reporting" if he's already "reporting" to me on his day (which, I might add, he volunteers this info on his own). I always tell him things that happen, as well as what happens regarding a male so that he trusts me, and knows about it, and also so that if he finds out about it later he doesnt wonder what reasons i had for keeping it from him. Am I wrong to be upset that he keeps hiding things and lying to me??? Is it wrong to expect someone to tell me up front?? He's never even seen how I'd react to things, or given me the opportunity to show him that it wouldnt bother me, b/c he's always hiding it all!! Please help me sort this out!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Lying and hiding things isn't okay.

 

You have every right to be pissed about this.. as far as I'm concerned he is giving you reason to question his behaviour.

 

Him telling you he doesn't want to have to report to you is a load of shi*t! Not to mention saying he doesn't tell you certain things because he feels it might upset you.. well IF what he is doing in his mind would be upsetting to you, then why the hell is he doing it to begin with.

 

How to sort things out.. honestly if he's a liar there isn't much you can do here except decide that you don't "need" to "report" into him either see how he likes them apples. :mad:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thats interesting. I don't see why he'd continue to hide it from you if you've explained all that you did to me, to him. Maybe he's worried that you'll get jealous, or that you'll interrogate him about the conversation. Maybe the girl is into him and he doesn't feel the same way back because of you, and he doesn't want you to find out. My suggestion is to sit him down and talk to him. Tell him again that you're not jealous of his conversations with this girl and find out whats really going on. It sounds a little suspicious to me, maybe you should call this girl just to say hi and get to know your bf's phone friend.

 

You do have every right to be upset. He's keeping things from you and thats not right at all. I wish you luck with whatever you choose to do with him!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
clandestinidad

Hi, and thanks for replying. I wanted to add that I've made myself very clear to him that I dont care WHO he talks to, I dont think he's going to do anything wrong, etc etc.... (he's said that he "doesnt believe me", that I "DO think he's gonna cheat on me", and that "I dont want him talking to other females b/c I'm insecure"....as if he's in my head and knows what i'm thinking...give me a break)...and I've told him that its the hiding it/lying about it that makes me upset, not that he's talking to people. Plus I told him that if he were to tell me up front, as he's telling me about the rest of his day, I wouldnt ask him what they talked about, or for how long, b/c I dont even care to know what they talked about!! I feel like I've explained it very well. I also told him that I think it indicates a pattern....if he hides/lies about such stupid things, then who's to say he wont hide/lie about bigger things in the future! There will be plenty of things in life that 'might' upset me to hear, but shouldnt I still know about them?!

 

I forgot to add that while we were on the phone: in the middle of his anger, and being rude, and trying to justify his actions, he suddenly told me that last week a guy friend called and put some girl on the phone (probably this girl that we both know has a crush on him) and asked him to meet them while they were out. And I obviously got upset b/c he hid it from me, and he then tried to blame it on me....saying "see, I knew it would completely piss you off!!!" Why doesnt he get it????

Link to post
Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay
Originally posted by kat23

There will be plenty of things in life that 'might' upset me to hear, but shouldnt I still know about them?!

 

 

ABSOLUTELY....

 

honesty and trust are #1 to a successful relationship....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
clandestinidad

I'd really appreciate advice from more guys, b/c I dont know if this is a guy/girl difference, or if he's being a jerk. He said, "Well then we cant be together, b/c we have different views on this, and I dont want to live the next 40 years having to "report" to you." Maybe someone can help me see it from another perspective if I'm wrong on this whole thing. (here I am doubting myself.....hmmmm).....should I even be with this person????

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by kat23

I'd really appreciate advice from more guys, b/c I dont know if this is a guy/girl difference, or if he's being a jerk. Maybe someone can help me see it from another perspective if I'm wrong on this whole thing. (here I am doubting myself.....hmmmm).....should I even be with this person????

 

Let me clear it up... Lying, cheating, or hiding things isn't a GIRL/GUY difference.

 

IF you're an assclown/assclownette then thats who you are.

Don't look for reasons to excuse ****ty behaviour and chalk it up to "Well he's a guy so it's okay for him to be an assclown"

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
clandestinidad

How come no one has any more advice here?! :p I'm trying to figure out if I should break up with him or not, b/c its happened a few times, and he doesnt seem to get it!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

How much more advice do you want? Everybody says lying is not OK. Shall we suggest ways to torture him?

 

I dont want to live the next 40 years having to "report" to you."

 

These are the words of an immature twit who doesn't understand that relationships are partnerships and are about teamwork, meaning you tell the truth because you want to share, not because you feel you are being 'made to' by a tyrant.

 

Ditch him. You need an adult, not a petulant, rebellious kid.

Link to post
Share on other sites
These are the words of an immature twit who doesn't understand that relationships are partnerships and are about teamwork, meaning you tell the truth because you want to share, not because you feel you are being 'made to' by a tyrant.

 

Ditch him. You need an adult, not a petulant, rebellious kid.

 

I completely agree with Mo! You can do better hon', somewhere out there is a guy who'll want to share every moment of his life with you, all because he wants to include you in every aspect. Don't you think you deserve that?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am a guy who demands total honesty in a relationship. if this guy knows that honesty is an emotional need of yours, and he still doesnt comply, then you will never be satisfied or be able to trust him. dump him and move on, because a long term relationship is hard enough without having to play detective with your SO.

 

But my question is, to the women on this thread, what is the extent of this honesty?? sometime i look at these dating things online, and most of the women on there have boiler plate language, such as "tired of being played--seeking an HONEST man....." Being women, would this honesty apply to a woman who wants to marry, and has some emotional residue from rape and abuse earlier in life?? would the SO deserve to know info such as this, as part of an honest relationship?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...