Dakini Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 So I'm reading my new book, "He's Just Not That Into You" and one of the "mantras" is that girls should never 1. call guys and 2. ask guys out. The authors' hypothesis is that, if a guy is into you, HE will call YOU. (Men like the thrill of the hunt etc. !) What are your thoughts: Should women never call / ask men out? (Both male and female responses welcome!) Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 i think that is bogus! i have asked out men and asked for numbers. why would a person not? Seems very old fashioned to expect only the guy to do this. and why should i wait on some dude to decide I am right for him? i want what's best for ME! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Huntr777 Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I do not agree with that mantra at all. I mean, are we in the 13th century here? I have been asked out on dates by women (and yes, they paid!). I know it's not the norm, but honestly, I believe there's nothing wrong with a woman asking out a guy. As a matter of fact, I'm very flattered if a woman does it... Hunter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gwennebe Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I think it depends on the guy. A lot of my best relationships stemmed from me being the initiator. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 Originally posted by Dakini So I'm reading my new book, "He's Just Not That Into You" and one of the "mantras" is that girls should never 1. call guys and 2. ask guys out. The authors' hypothesis is that, if a guy is into you, HE will call YOU. (Men like the thrill of the hunt etc. !) What are your thoughts: Should women never call / ask men out? (Both male and female responses welcome!) Yes, I would agree with above but only in initial stages of dating. After you've been out 4 or 5 times and established mutual attraction it is OK for girl to call and ask guy out. In my experience when a woman has asked me out I will go out with her but it usually does not work cause it feels funny. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I think some women take it a little too far and pursue guys who .. "just aren't into them". And that a mantra of that kind would probably be good for them. But pursuing some guys moderately is perfectly fine, if you can let it go if it doesn't work right away. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I've dated men who were shy and not willing to make the first move. I usually limit how much I call, in the intial stages, but I think that the idea that women can't ask men out is an out-dated concept. I think probably older men would feel less comfortable if the woman asks you out, but younger guys seem to like it. Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 not calling will work with some guys, but probably not with the ones i'd be into. it seems contrived - as if you have to do is follow rules a, b and c to get your man. i don't play games. any man i was with would have to be the same and if he needed his ego boosted by the thrill of being the hunter he'd probably be wrong for me. i like them to know what they want and i don't expect them to feel emasculated when i know what i want. Link to post Share on other sites
packersgirl Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I'm an old-fashioned girl. I used to pursue guys a lot when I was in high school, but after I got my heart broken a couple years back I made a promise to myself to let the guys pursue me. My best guy friend is the one who encourages me to wait for a guy to call me, and ask me out. I almost fell off the wagon, but he reminded me that if the guy I was interested in thought I was worth it, he'd make the first move. I've been told that when girls ask guys out that he'd perceive her as desperate or easy. I'm not sure how true that is though. I think that its ok to call guys. Though, I am a little shy when it comes to making phone calls. And if asking guys out is something you're 100% comfortable with, then go for it. By the way, how is that book? I heard about it from some people at my church. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 If you want a 'traditional' marriage with a 'traditional' guy, then follow the old-fashioned rules. If you want a man who considers you a partner rather than a helpless littly fluffy thing, then he should not be worried or threatened by you expressing interest or calling him. That book is about women who pursue men who aren't interested at all but calling someone or asking him out when you don't yet know each other hardly qualifies as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted December 4, 2004 Moderators Share Posted December 4, 2004 As far as the "Girl Calling vs. Guy Calling" issue goes, or better yet, the guy having to make the initial moves, etc., I believe both concepts are rather silly. Sure, there are those guys who will not interpret your initiation as being a good thing. Those guys may see you as easy, or desparate. To be honest though, I think that would really speak volumes to the type of person he really would be - a judgemental, narrow-minded, and closed-in-perspective type. Hey, if a girl approaches me that I think is intelligent, honest, desirable (for me) and warm in demeanor, then WHY would I consider this a negative thing? The problem that I see these days, is that there are so many women (and I suppose men also) that are into games, rules, etc., that it is hard to really sift through the bullshxt and find who is real. Sometimes, one can get tired of this fantasy-world/drama school type behavior. If a guy is approached by a "decent" girl whom he is attracted to, and he dimisses her because he didn't get to chase her, then what kind of a mentality is he exhibiting? What could be more flattering to a guy, than to know that a girl is interested enough in him, that she is willing to break down that traditionalist, self-perpetuating paradigm? If she approaches him, and she is not taken up on her offer, then clearly he was not into her. WE, as guys deal, with it all the time. It's not the end of the world. Think outside the box folks! Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Should WOMEN never ask MEN on a date? If you want to sit at home on a saturday night waiting for a phone call, then by all means follow that advice. I think its silly these days and way too old fashioned. I'm going to think a girl is "easy" or "desperate" by her words, clothing and actions not just that she asked me out or whatever. Just because some women over do it (just as some men do) doesn't mean you should be timid about expressing your interest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Originally posted by Curt If a guy is approached by a "decent" girl whom he is attracted to, and he dimisses her because he didn't get to chase her, then what kind of a mentality is he exhibiting? What could be more flattering to a guy, than to know that a girl is interested enough in him, that she is willing to break down that traditionalist, self-perpetuating paradigm? If she approaches him, and she is not taken up on her offer, then clearly he was not into her. WE, as guys deal, with it all the time. It's not the end of the world. Think outside the box folks! Curt Listen Curt, you are totally wrong here. Usually what I have seen is that the attractive girls don't approach men cause they have so many men chasing them already. The women that do approach men are the desperate fat ugly ones who cannot get a date cause no men approach them. There are many reasons why things are the way they are. MOST women that are decent do not like to make the first move cause they feel uncomfortable AND they are smart enuf to know that many guys like to make the first move. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett_girl Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 uh ok...i have never ever asked a guy out cuz I've never had to..guys always make the first move..but there is this guy I really really like and we both seem to be interested but we are both so super busy(him more than me) and I dunno...for the first time ever..i am considering asking him do "do something over xmas break"..i'm not easy or desperate..OR UGLY OR FAT! but i really like this guy and want to get to know him better..i don't understand where you are coming from alphamale...i don't understand how that makes me despertae or easy..or a loser Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Originally posted by Scarlett_girl uh ok...i have never ever asked a guy out cuz I've never had to..guys always make the first move..but there is this guy I really really like and we both seem to be interested but we are both so super busy(him more than me) and I dunno...for the first time ever..i am considering asking him do "do something over xmas break"..i'm not easy or desperate..OR UGLY OR FAT! but i really like this guy and want to get to know him better..i don't understand where you are coming from alphamale...i don't understand how that makes me despertae or easy..or a loser Sorry, I did not mean this as being all incompassing. It is just an observational generalizaiton from my own experience. Instead of asking this dude out why don't you ask him if he'd like to take you out sometime.... something like "Hey, Roger (or whatever his name is).... I heard of this new Italian restaurant that just opened up... I'd love it if you would take me to dinner there." Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale Listen Curt, you are totally wrong here. Usually what I have seen is that the attractive girls don't approach men cause they have so many men chasing them already. The women that do approach men are the desperate fat ugly ones who cannot get a date cause no men approach them. There are many reasons why things are the way they are. MOST women that are decent do not like to make the first move cause they feel uncomfortable AND they are smart enuf to know that many guys like to make the first move. Last time I checked I wasn't ugly, fat, or desperate. I am not uncomfortable asking someone to hang out, either. I think it's older women and men who are more stuck in those traditional gender roles. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 .i don't understand where you are coming from alphamale...i don't understand how that makes me despertae or easy..or a loser Those sorts of opinions come from people who still believe in what's called 'traditional values', i.e. men are the boss of the house and the woman's job is to follow and obey. Really, don't bother yourself about what someone like alphamale thinks unless you want a guy like alphamale who believes that stuff. Curt is one of the longer-term members and has widely been regarded as a prize by LS ladies due to the wisdom and insight he displays in his writing. So if you're looking for the likes of Curt or Fritz or Hunter, by all means call guys and ask them out. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale The women that do approach men are the desperate fat ugly ones who cannot get a date cause no men approach them. Well, I'm not ready to start dating again - due to still trying to recover from being dumped after a year & 1/2 relationship ended...but when/if I get back in the saddle again - I guess there's going to be a whole set of 'rules' I'll need to abide by. I don't recall ever approaching a man and asking him out - but I very well might have in the future perhaps - until I read THIS. I'll have to try to remember what's not cool to do...lest I be perceived as desperate, and pathetic.... And about that book - 'He's just not that into you', I've avoided buying it simply because of the the title, and the reviews I've read about it. My impression is that it sends the message to women that no matter how WE feel about love - it's ultimately the men who control the situation and the destiny of the relationship. I dunno...like I said - I haven't read it, so maybe I'm way off base here. I only know that my ex PRETENDED to be really, really into me...and shattered my world when he seemingly withdrew his love suddenly - just like flipping a light switch. Anyways, back to dating...it's less than encouraging to learn that certain 'rules' apply, and I'm not free to just be my natural self (eg: desiring to call up a new guy I may have just met, and asking if he wants to hangout). But I guess it's necessary to be be aware, and informed of all the 'secrets' to building successful romantic relationships...I'll give it my best shot when the time comes, there must be something to this multi-million dollar, love advice book industry by the experts. Yet, I can't help but feel that it's all a game - a game that I don't want to play *sigh*....... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 I'll have to try to remember what's not cool to do...lest I be perceived as desperate, and pathetic.... Actually, what's pathetic is basing your behaviour on the rantings of some 'macho' wannabe when most of the rest of the posts here, including those by men, contradicted him. I do hope you're being sarcastic because I can't believe you're buying this crap. But I guess it's necessary to be be aware, and informed of all the 'secrets' to building successful romantic relationships.. Well, you can't, because if you read all the books, you'll find they contradict each other anyway. This 'rules' business is for game-players. If you don't want to play games, then don't get stuck in a relationship where you will have to. The key to some successful businesses is steamrolling over other people, too, but do you want to sell your soul for fake 'success' or do you want a real and genuine relationship with someone who abhors games as much as you do? Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 To moimeme : Thanks...and no, I don't buy into everything I read, nor do I feel particularly motivated to change my behaviour...I was just feeling down tonight, and started to question whether love is just all a game, and no one bothered to tell me what the rules were. I noticed your location - I am there also ....the PM I sent you isn't going thru. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 Thanks for the heads-up! I'll get that fixed pronto Link to post Share on other sites
bluebird Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 i have actually read that book, and I found it quite interesting and enjoyable. It explained why my last relationship was a flop. (a year and a half flop). This guy i was interested in had volunteerd at my fire department. We also went to the same school, in fact we met in....chemistry. we hung out a lot, and finally (after about 5 months) he asked me out. Like i said earlier though, it was a flop, and he just wasn't that into me. The book kind of made me realize that i should have just stopped persuing a guy that could'nt even call me at least once a week. After the relationship, I left the pursuing to the men. If they want me, they can catch me, and they better be fast runners. I was also in this grungy attitude of "I'm still trying to get over my ex" A year later however, I met my current boyfriend. The situation we found ourselves in was a bit awkward. My roomate (and good friend) really liked him and his best friend really liked me. But none of us wanted to ruin the friendships we had. One day we found ourselves sitting alone and playing Mortal Kombat (old school arcade style). We were very honest with eachother and the feelings of everyone else. We both knew we really liked eachother even after only a few weeks of knowing eachother. I asked him if we should date. We both agreed. I am so glad I didn't let the "but i'm still getting over my last boyfriend" excuse get in the way of pursuing him. And our best friends were best friends for a reason; they were still our friends no matter what guy or girl got in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
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