Am I being needy or is he just really unavailable?

[stardust87]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been dating this guy for almost a year now. Things were great at the beginning. But it became really difficult as time progressed, because we seem to want different things from each other. He was the one who initiated the relationship though.

 

We fight very often (not a week will go by without an argument). We had arguments about his friends, his friend that he had a crush with, his time, how he never plans anything for us to do unless I complain about it, how he never seems to have any time to spend with me. We try to fix it when we fight about things. I tried to break up with him before, since this relationship was just too difficult to move along. But he always tells me that we shouldn't break up because we're good together, and if we should break up, it should be for a very good reason and none of these reasons are good enough.

 

Lately, our fight was because he stopped calling me so I always call him first and I wanted to tell him that I wish he would call me again (like he used to before). Just so I know what's going on, or just so I can touch base with him. He got really defensive and said he was just very busy and I should be able to understand it. He said I was being very needy and he doesn't appreciate that I'm making him feel guilty just because he missed a few phone calls.

 

My take on that is, I know he's a busy guy and maybe what he wants/can give is different from what I need. But I don't think I was being needy at all. He is just really complex and difficult because he's busy with all these plans for himself and his future.

 

I told him I'm not going to apologize for how I feel. And if to him that is already neediness, then he should think about where he wants this to go because I'm not going to change and to me, neediness is something that kills love.

 

Was I wrong there? I want to stay with him, he means the world to me, but if we are just really incompatible and he think I'm just a needy girl, then I know there isn't much hope for the future then.

 

Thank you for reading this.

[katiegrl]

Why do you want to stay with him? Because of how he was, or how things were, in the "beginning"? Ugh.

 

It doesn't sound like he is all that into you tbh. The fights, your *neediness*...etc etc sorry but this ship has sailed.

 

Your relationship sounds toxic at this point, and clearly you are not compatible. No he is not *too busy*, he is simply no longer interested. So again, why do you even want to stay?

 

Take control of YOUR life, realize your worth and value, and YOU make the decision to end it. Don't you think you deserve better?

Edited April 11, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

I read your other thread about you making your boyfriend the center of your world. Knowing there is more to it than this thread here I would like to know:

 

* How often do you see each other?

* How much communication would make you happy?

[d0nnivain]

Do you give him the chance to call you? If you are always calling him perhaps he doesn't call because you don't give him the opportunity.

[TunaInTheBrine]

This guy is not that into you. It sucks, I know, but you will need to move on sooner or later. I don't know you well enough to say, but it might be worth giving the neediness thing more thought and whether or not you are typically attracted to emotionally unavailable men.

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been dating this guy for almost a year now. Things were great at the beginning. But it became really difficult as time progressed, because we seem to want different things from each other. He was the one who initiated the relationship though.

 

We fight very often (not a week will go by without an argument). We had arguments about his friends, his friend that he had a crush with, his time, how he never plans anything for us to do unless I complain about it, how he never seems to have any time to spend with me. We try to fix it when we fight about things. I tried to break up with him before, since this relationship was just too difficult to move along. But he always tells me that we shouldn't break up because we're good together, and if we should break up, it should be for a very good reason and none of these reasons are good enough.

 

Lately, our fight was because he stopped calling me so I always call him first and I wanted to tell him that I wish he would call me again (like he used to before). Just so I know what's going on, or just so I can touch base with him. He got really defensive and said he was just very busy and I should be able to understand it. He said I was being very needy and he doesn't appreciate that I'm making him feel guilty just because he missed a few phone calls.

 

My take on that is, I know he's a busy guy and maybe what he wants/can give is different from what I need. But I don't think I was being needy at all. He is just really complex and difficult because he's busy with all these plans for himself and his future.

 

I told him I'm not going to apologize for how I feel. And if to him that is already neediness, then he should think about where he wants this to go because I'm not going to change and to me, neediness is something that kills love.

 

Was I wrong there? I want to stay with him, he means the world to me, but if we are just really incompatible and he think I'm just a needy girl, then I know there isn't much hope for the future then.

 

Thank you for reading this.

 

First of all, how often do you actually see each other? And, how often are you calling him?

 

Second -- He is just really complex and difficult because he's busy with all these plans for himself and his future. -- When he talks of all these plans for himself and his future, do any of those plans include you?

 

If he feels that you are being needy, show him you are not needy. Give him a ton of space now. If he doesn't call you, don't call him at all. Don't reach out in any way. Be busy yourself with other things.

 

If he is truly interested in the relationship and some time passes where you aren't calling or texting or otherwise being needy, he'll wonder where you are. If he doesn't do that, then I'd let it go. Wait for him to contact you first for a while no matter how many days pass. When he calls, keep things light. Don't question him about not calling.

 

If you hadn't already invested a year in this and there isn't enough information above to say whether you are actually too needy, I'd say move on now. But, give it one more try. Hit the reset button so to speak. Let him come to you. If his pattern isn't working for you after you've made the effort to change your pattern, then you should move on.

[Gary S]

Some of the best happy couples only have a handful of arguments per year. They know relationships are give and take, they sit down and calmly discuss things. Both have good, positive attitudes and they practice self-control.

[Satu]

If you can't get along with each other peacefully, what's the point of being together?

[smackie9]

Don't let him manipulate you into staying. If you want out then just get out. I think him lacking involving you in his life is making you become needy. I don't think you are the cause, and when you bring things up he turns it around on you being the one with the issues.....this is abuse/manipulation. I'm not saying he IS cheating, but this is how guys behave when they are seeing more than one girl.

 

Take your self respect back and dump him. You date people who treat you the way you want to be treated. He doesn't treat you the way you expect, so there is no reason good enough to keep seeing him. You are obviously unhappy, so get rid of the problem....HIM!