My GF still talks to her ex, she hasn't told him she's with me. how would you react?

[battlehard]

To keep a quite long story short, my girlfriend believes talking to your exs as friends is fine. She is open about that. She has been talking to her most recent ex on random occasions (not that regularly) ever since we've been together. She's only told me about some of them, other times I've found out. I personally am not comfortable with it and it's caused issues but that's not really what I'm here to ask I guess.

 

Due to the fact she ended it with him and he was upset, she hasn't ever wanted to tell him she has a new boyfriend because she thinks it would cause drama and she hates confrontation. I'm getting sick of it because to me whether you're just being friendly or not talking to an ex who thinks you're single changes the whole dynamic of it. Do you guys agree?

 

I have no idea how to approach this because I don't want to come off as a controlling freak. What would you do?? Help!!! Sorry if I've worded this terribly.

[TigerCub]

How long ago did they break up?

 

How long have your and your gf been dating?

[battlehard]

How long ago did they break up?

 

How long have your and your gf been dating?

 

They broke up 8 months ago, we've been dating 6. She did the dumping.

[TouchedByViolet]

First of all, most women love drama and confrontation. They live for that, don't kid yourself. Second, her behavior is a major red flag. Whether she likes the attention or just having a backup but it's disrespectful and a bad sign.

[barcode88]

I would say it's a red flag. I'd tell her that you're OK with her talking to who she wants, but you'd like it if she made clear to her ex that she's seeing YOU now.

[Erised]

Talking to exes is fine

 

Hiding your relationship from them is not and changes the first thing

 

It would only cause drama if he wants more again, which also changes the first thing

 

Avoiding honesty because of the consequences of the honesty is a HUGE red flag. What is she not telling you because drama/confrontation?

[d0nnivain]

I'm not that crazy about it. I think people who insist they are "friends" with EXs are deluding themselves.

 

 

I believe in being polite to EXs meaning I will say hello & make 5 minutes of small talk if I bump into them but I don't call or plan to spend time with them. I've never broken up in the age of social media but I imagine I would "unfriend" or "unfollow" them.

 

 

For now, ask if she can put more distance in the relationship but as long as she's saying the right things & telling him about you, unless it's an absolute dealbreaker for you, try to be patient with her.

[Diezel]

Break up with her now.

 

She's not going to stop this behavior. I'm sure she wouldn't agree if you were doing it. So save yourself some trouble for further down the road.

 

There are plenty of women out there without these boundary issues.

[BlueIris]

You’ve been dating for 6 months and she hasn’t told her ex that you’re together?

Oh, no.

That would not be OK with me, for so many reasons.

[Mrin]

The talking to an ex thing I don't have a problem with. The not mentioning that she's in a fairly serious (6 month) relationship with you is a major red flag. She's obviously keeping him in an orbit and that usually means something bad for you. Either she likes the control of having him in this orbit or she's not as secure in the 6 month relationship with you as it seems. I honestly would call her on it, tell her is it disrespectful to both him and you. If she doesn't disclose your relationships I'd definitely consider walking away (I don't believe in issuing ultimatums).

[acrosstheuniverse]

This is all kinds of wrong. If she still wants to be friends with an ex that's something to negate between the two of you, some are dead against it and some don't mind at all. Personally I am friends with one or two but not the serious ones or the ones that had a super painful end. And I'm transparent completely with my boyfriend about that.

 

But the fact she hides the new relationship is the messed up part. It means that she's keeping him hanging, leading him on, or just enjoys the attention. If she was just friends, she'd have introduced you by now, and she'd discuss with the ex that she's in a new relationship. She's hiding something, I think she likes the attention to be honest.

[Vercetti]

I never have gotten friends with ex thing. Seems silly to keep people around that in some form betrayed expectations and was incompatible with. There is always some undercurrent of resentment or even slight sabotage for new positive things in life.

 

She is worried about hurting ex's feelings by letting him know with someone new, but isn't as worried about feelings of person currently with.

 

I don't know, find someone secure and mature enough that they don't have to prop up ego from cradle to grave with mistakes from the past.

[Gary S]

Talking to an ex means nothing, nothing is going to happen over the phone lines. Does she see him?

[Frank2thepoint]

I think people who insist they are "friends" with EXs are deluding themselves.

 

Perfectly to the point.

 

You can talk to you girlfriend about this, but since she is reluctant to tell her ex that she is with you, that does not bode well. She may not even stop or even really understand what you are saying.

 

There was a thread a few months ago with the same issue, but it was a woman who was having the same problem with her boyfriend. I'm going to suggest the same thing to you that I suggested to her. End the relationship. Your girlfriend chooses to stay in touch with her ex, which you can't control. Therefore you should choose to walk away and find yourself a woman that respects the relationship. And she can't stop you because this would be your choice. See how free will works.

[kendahke]

How badly do you want to push this? You can ask and she can say "no" and you end the relationship.

 

Or you can force her hand by taking a picture of yourselves together, post and tag her in it on FB--I'll bet she's still FB friends with him. And make sure you say "my girlfriend". She may get pissed and end the relationship.

 

Depends how much of an issue you want to make of this. Either way, the relationship may end. Question is: do you want to take charge of your destiny or do you want it left up to her?

 

I dont' think it's unreasonable to want your girlfriend to tell her exes that she's now in a relationship because what is the purpose of the omission of that truth? Who is she trying to manipulate by keeping your relationship secret? Him? Why? He's an ex, unless she's just using you to mark time till she can finagle her way back with him.

 

You've got some things to think about.

 

but to answer your question in your title: I'd be pissed off and insulted. Lying by omission is still lying and I don't have a high tolerance for liars.

Edited April 3, 2015 by kendahke

[battlehard]

Talking to exes is fine

 

Hiding your relationship from them is not and changes the first thing

 

It would only cause drama if he wants more again, which also changes the first thing

 

Avoiding honesty because of the consequences of the honesty is a HUGE red flag. What is she not telling you because drama/confrontation?

 

How would you (or anyone else reading) go about mentioning this? We've had fights about it quite a few times and I must admit there's been another occasion or 2 where I haven't done myself proud when it comes to guys flirting with her. I've never done anything terrible but possibly overreacted a bit. Anyway, how would you suggest I mention this all to her without seeming like a jealous control freak?

[katiegrl]

Talking to an ex means nothing, nothing is going to happen over the phone lines. Does she see him?

 

What is your opinion on her not telling her ex about her six month relationship with the OP?

 

Is that *nothing* too?

[Friskyone4u]

Talking and having male friends that do not know you exist or that your role in her life is what it is is a big red flag. It means she does not want to stop receiving the attention she is getting from other men.

You two need to talk about if you are both going to be exclusive . If so, that changes some ways that she needs to be around other guys. And one of them is to tell them up front she has a boyfriend and she does not mess around. She should be wanting to shout that loud and clear. If not, you are not being controlling being uncomfortable with that.

She should not be hanging out with her ex or talking to him regularly if he has no clue who you are and that is by her choice .

BIG RED flag here buddy. Stay alert

[battlehard]

Talking and having male friends that do not know you exist or that your role in her life is what it is is a big red flag. It means she does not want to stop receiving the attention she is getting from other men.

You two need to talk about if you are both going to be exclusive . If so, that changes some ways that she needs to be around other guys. And one of them is to tell them up front she has a boyfriend and she does not mess around. She should be wanting to shout that loud and clear. If not, you are not being controlling being uncomfortable with that.

She should not be hanging out with her ex or talking to him regularly if he has no clue who you are and that is by her choice .

BIG RED flag here buddy. Stay alert

 

Thanks for the advice! I know what she's doing is wrong. I'm just worried about coming across as too jealous, I know in this case I have every right to but theres been occasions before that maybe I was over the top. I've just never felt this way before and don't want to mess it up.

[Gaeta]

Thanks for the advice! I know what she's doing is wrong. I'm just worried about coming across as too jealous, I know in this case I have every right to but theres been occasions before that maybe I was over the top. I've just never felt this way before and don't want to mess it up.

 

She is the one messing it up right now. You should be outraged at her behavior and explain clearly what is your position on this current situation. Sounds like you are walking eggshells around her.

 

Also, she met you only 2 months after breaking up with him, she should have cut all contacts with him. In my book it's ok to be friendly with an ex but there has to be plenty of time between them and me. The ex has to be 'in the past'. In her situation there is so little time between him and you that her ex has always remained in her present. This is not the type of 'friendship with ex' I would support.

 

If he still has feelings for her she should not keep contact with him. That is a huge red flags that she is letting that going on. Second red flag is she prefers hurting your feelings than hurting his. You make your own conclusion.

[lolablue17]

I think that your problem is bigger than you imagine:

 

If she says he is only "a friend", how come she doesn't tell him about you? She's been lying to him for 6 month - What kind of a friendship is that? You don't lie to your "friend" for 6 month or even for 1 day - that's what the phrase "friend" means - to be honest with each other. Also if they're friends, why there should be any drama if he knows about you? so they are anything but "friends".

 

You already talked to her about it and she insists seeing and contacting him - It means that she doesn't care about your feelings, she doesn't care if you're hurt and insecure... did she suggest at least to reduce contact him to minimum?

 

Sorry - That girl is nothing but a liar. She's lying to her ex and to her "friend". from here it's a short way to be lying to you. She may kiss her Ex or any other guy and not be telling you about it because she "doesn't like drama". Honest girls know that honesty sometimes creates drama, liars choose deception instead of honesty, just like she does.

 

I think that you R is not on the right course with your full your consent. The only way to change that is by causing a "big drama". Tell her that you don't have any other choice but breaking up with her because of the reasons I've just mentioned.

 

If she cares about you - She'll promise to change. If she still doesn't want to change - there's your proof - She doesn't care about you and doesn't wish to make the slightest effort to keep you.

Edited April 4, 2015 by lolablue17

[battlehard]

how's this for a message about it? I just don't want to come off too insecure because I wouldn't say I am.

 

 

 

look babe this is still on my mind we didn’t sort it. based on the other day i know you’ve chatted to him more recently in some way than you told me. you say it was 1 convo so i believe you but it has to have been way longer than you said.

 

what actually bothers me about this is he thinks you’re single. that changes the whole dynamic of chatting to an ex. i know you don’t wanna mention me specifically and i agree it’d cause drama. and i know you like being friendly and i agree in ways with that but theres a big difference between being nice and saying happy christmas/birthday/new year and a catch up compared to chatting for hours/spread over days and them thinking you’re single. so whats gna happen you’re gna never stop occasionally chatting and hell think you’re single? when ****(my ex) messaged me you said be friendly but mention having a girlfriend. if you never spoke i wouldn’t care in the slightest what he knows but you do. i know your intentions are good babe and i really really don’t wanna talk/think/fight about it but i can’t just ignore this. i know I’ve been unreasonable and overreacted about things in the past and that hasn’t helped one bit and im sorry for that but this would bother you or anyone else we know.

[kendahke]

How would you (or anyone else reading) go about mentioning this? We've had fights about it quite a few times and I must admit there's been another occasion or 2 where I haven't done myself proud when it comes to guys flirting with her. I've never done anything terrible but possibly overreacted a bit. Anyway, how would you suggest I mention this all to her without seeming like a jealous control freak?

 

Leave her to flirt. Just get up, give her cab fare home and walk away. She can get home on her own.

 

Is she doing this because she wants to see you "fight for her"? Then she's manipulative and is playing games.

 

I would have a zero tolerance policy.

 

There are women out there who do not have a need to disrespect their boyfriend in front of his face like this. That you stick around and let her do this says more about you than it does her. Do you not have boundaries to which you stand sentry? She ain't going to do it, so it's down to you to do it.

[kendahke]

how's this for a message about it? I just don't want to come off too insecure because I wouldn't say I am.

 

 

 

look babe this is still on my mind we didn’t sort it. based on the other day i know you’ve chatted to him more recently in some way than you told me. you say it was 1 convo so i believe you but it has to have been way longer than you said.

 

what actually bothers me about this is he thinks you’re single. that changes the whole dynamic of chatting to an ex. i know you don’t wanna mention me specifically and i agree it’d cause drama. and i know you like being friendly and i agree in ways with that but theres a big difference between being nice and saying happy christmas/birthday/new year and a catch up compared to chatting for hours/spread over days and them thinking you’re single. so whats gna happen you’re gna never stop occasionally chatting and hell think you’re single? when ****(my ex) messaged me you said be friendly but mention having a girlfriend. if you never spoke i wouldn’t care in the slightest what he knows but you do. i know your intentions are good babe and i really really don’t wanna talk/think/fight about it but i can’t just ignore this. i know I’ve been unreasonable and overreacted about things in the past and that hasn’t helped one bit and im sorry for that but this would bother you or anyone else we know.

 

Don't send that. You're not insecure: you're insulted by her estimation of you.

 

You are not in the wrong here. She is.

 

And what drama, exactly is her telling him the truth about her relationship with you going to bring about? That she gets caught in her lie by him? That he tells her to go take a hike for lying to him? From what you've written here, she's pursuing him, not being a friend.

 

She tells you to tell your ex you had a girlfriend, but she won't tell her ex because why exactly?

 

Seriously--no woman's sex is that good that you should tolerate this level of disrespect.

[battlehard]

Don't send that. You're not insecure: you're insulted by her estimation of you.

 

You are not in the wrong here. She is.

 

And what drama, exactly is her telling him the truth about her relationship with you going to bring about? That she gets caught in her lie by him? That he tells her to go take a hike for lying to him? From what you've written here, she's pursuing him, not being a friend.

 

She tells you to tell your ex you had a girlfriend, but she won't tell her ex because why exactly?

 

Seriously--no woman's sex is that good that you should tolerate this level of disrespect.

 

Thank you for your replies. How would you word it then? The drama factor is that although her ex wasn't my friend, he knew me and when me and her were STRICTLY friends with no emotional connection at all he would say it was weird how she says she loves me and hugs me (like she does every guy she's friends with in a completely fair way). So it wouldn't be worth the big bother to her. But I guess you're right, she should care about what I feel, not him.