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Old 2nd April 2015, 1:25 PM   #1
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How to move on after my fiancée kissed her coworker?

I must begin by apologizing in advance for the length, but I currently have no idea what to do, where to begin, or what details to take into consideration as I make my decisions about how to move forward, so I have included them all in hopes that somebody with more wisdom than me can help me out.

My fiancée and I have been officially together 2 years now. We met at work, so our actual relationship extends roughly another year that we were together unofficially. We have known each other for a grand total of almost 4 years now. We have essentially lived together the full two years that we have been together, although from a technical standpoint we have only officially lived together about a year and a half. We got engaged a month ago. We have both moved into new jobs since we began dating, but about 4 months ago she returned to the original workplace where we met. She works days, I work nights, during the week there are typically only a couple of hours that our time at home overlaps but we get to be together as usual on weekends. Everything had been absolutely perfect since our engagement. It seemed too perfect, and I began to get an ominous sense that something was going to come up to break the calm. I even began to feel some worry about what she was doing when I wasn't around, but wrote it off as paranoia since I had never been given even the slightest reason to think such things.

The night that this happened, we had a fight regarding drinking. My fiancée was concerned that I was drinking too closely to falling asleep, as she had heard of issues where people became dependant on alcohol as a sleep aid. On a normal day I would have simply talked to her about it. Although I drink more often than she does, I do not do so as a form of a sleep aid (or, for that matter, regularly enough for such issues to arise), nor do I experience sleep issues. Since it is very rare that she drinks, I can understand why it would worry her and why she wouldn't know that it wasn't an issue. It was a simple matter of reviewing her concerns and settling them in a civil manner. Unfortunately I did not do that. I was tired, grumpy and only half-awake (she had woken me up, it was around 5 in the afternoon so I had only been asleep for maybe 3 hours. This was on top of a week where schoolwork had been limiting my sleep to between 2 and 5 hours the three nights prior) so I snapped at her "Don't you have somewhere you can be?" She replied that she did not, but followed up with a malicious "You know what, I do actually." I should have seen it for the red flag that it was, but figured she was just going to go to her sister's house and her tone was due to the argument. I was so tired I fell asleep immediately.

I woke up at 10 for work and she was not home yet. I tried calling her a couple of times and she did not answer, so I got in the shower. When I came out I heard sobs in the kitchen, where I found her taking shots of whiskey and crying uncontrollably. I tried to find out what was wrong but all I got was severely intoxicated rambling about how we needed to talk, but not right now, because she was drunk and didn't want to say what she needed to say wrong, which then launched into more uncontrollable crying mixed with statements about how I was everything to her, how she absolutely needs our life together, how beautiful her ring is and how she never wants to have to give it back, and how much she loves my kiss. At this point I was alarmed but my employer has a very strict attendance policy so I had to go. She also said that she had been drinking Jaeger but it was only a couple of sips. This was particularly concerning to me because she almost never drinks, and she absolutely never drinks outside of the house without me around. On my way out I gave her my usual goodbye kiss and she pulled me back in and told me that she "needs to feel it" before kissing me quite aggressively. She was still crying as I left so I tried to call her on my way to work but she did not answer.

The next morning when I got home she told me we still needed to talk. I had been bracing for impact all night at work, but had forgotten to come up with a response plan. She explained that the night before she had gone to somebody's house and they had kissed. Her uncontrollable crying kicked in again while she told me she would do anything, anything to keep me. She reiterated that she needs our life together and she wished she had never done it. She stated that she regretted it immediately. I asked her if anything else had happened, to which she said "We didn't have sex, if that's what you're asking." I asked her to take me through the night so that I could understand, and her answers were very vague, which I think is contributing to my difficulty in moving forward. The guy was a coworker from another department. She went to his house, they watched Dexter, he put his arm around her and she let him, they held hands and then they kissed. She said she left immediately after and came home, which is where the last paragraph begins. She doesn't know why she did it, but we eventually reached the conclusion that she did it to get back at me for the argument the night before. She categorically denied having any physical or emotional attraction to him and says she didn't feel anything at all. Although I felt that I wanted to know much more, I was hesitant to push for more details. I feared that if I overreacted and something of a similar nature were to happen again that it might push her to hide it, which I definitely did not want. I also wanted the responses to be hers and did not want to risk putting words in her mouth as I did when trying to establish a reason for her actions. Additionally, I didn't feel justified in pushing for more information when I had absolutely no clue what I was going to do with it anyway. As a consequence of my efforts not to overreact I feel that I may have downplayed the situation too much.

I don't know whether I should take this into account, but there was a time a couple of months ago that she was extremely late getting home from work. I tried calling her several times but never got an answer. I was panicking that something had happened to her when, somewhere between 1 and 2 in the morning she came home. I could tell she had been crying. She said she had been in the parking lot at work having a mental breakdown, that she feared that I was too good for her. She thanked me for letting her have the time to herself so that she could get her mind straight. I don't know if I should read into this or not, but at the moment I'm involuntarily calling virtually everything that has happened in my recent life into question.

Although I felt unsettled, I proceeded to forgive her. With the circumstances I thought it was something I could get past. We are both young (23 and 20). As such, it is the first time either of us has been in a relationship of such a serious nature and we progressed very quickly, as can probably be seen by how we were almost immediately living together once we made our relationship official. The fact that this environment could lead to a higher likelihood of some straying crossed my mind more than once, but like I mentioned before I had never once been given a reason to believe it would actually happen and reasoned that it was just unfounded insecurity each time it crossed my mind. She has always maintained a very, very aggressive policy against cheating because her dad cheated on her mom, which led to their divorce. Our relationship almost ended after only a couple of months because she found porn in my dropbox, which sent her into hysterics. I'm fairly certain the only reason we made it past that was my refusal to let her leave until she calmed down and we talked about it. Anyway, the point here is that her strong opinions against cheating in any form combined with the strength of our relationship left me confident my worries were just that, and so I never entertained them for long. Her regret seemed genuine and I felt comfortable that it was a one time thing.

It has now been over a week and I feel that not only have I not been able to move forward but that I've regressed in that time period. School and work have kept me busy, so my chances to try to process what happened have been few. When I do try to think about it and figure out how to move forward, my anxiety shoots through the roof. I start shaking and get so dizzy and naseous that I feel like I'm on the brink of passing out. I have never experienced anything but the most mild effects of anxiety in the past. Writing this out has been the first time I've been able to actually review everything from beginning to end since it happened, and even now I'm shaking so badly it's making it difficult to type. I can't settle down enough to sleep. When I do sleep, it's cut short when I'm jarred awake by the same thoughts and sensations that made it impossible to sleep in the first place. I find my mistrust taking over my mind like a runaway freight train whenever she goes anywhere. I picture her at work flirting with the guys and engaging in various covert affairs. She has been coming home later than scheduled, which isn't unusual at all and never has been with that employer, but now when it happens my anxiety amplifies even more and my thoughts wander further and further each time. I can't focus at work or at school because I'm thinking about what she might be doing at home while I'm gone.

It's tearing me apart inside. From, quite literally, the moment that I forgave her she has behaved as if everything is back to normal. Her previously uncontrollable emotions were immediately replaced with our typical playful banner. I feel like her casual continuance of life in the face of my implosion is only making it worse. Just for the record, I do not blame her for her demeanor as I have not communicated just how much of a toll it has been taking and I have always been talented in masking my emotions, however I am finding myself feeling distant and detached when I am with her. I just can't win.

This past week has left me feeling like I mentally boxed Mike Tyson. I find myself wondering how just a kiss could cause such a ridiculous reaction on my part, and I still don't know the answer but the fact is that it is and I need to find a solution. I wonder if it really was just a kiss or if I'm only getting a portion of the truth, which then leads me to wonder how I can know for sure that her story is true. I am left unsure how I can rebuild my trust in her. I wonder if this is the only time it has happened, and then I wonder if she has felt enticed to do something like it at any other point, and then I wonder if those details even matter. I wonder, even if it was just a kiss, whether she had intentions of doing more that were interrupted by her guilt, if she might have done more had she gotten more than a couple of sips of alcohol in her, if next time she will not stop at just a kiss, if there will even be a next time, if next time she will tell me or try to cover it up, if my failure to respond effectively is enabling her, if her casual response is a sign of relief that her mistakes didn't cost her dearly or a sign that her regret was not as sincere as it seemed. These are just a few of the many, many questions that have gone through my head recently.

I know that I can't keep all of these things internalized, but I also don't know how to talk to her without overwhelming both her and myself. I need help figuring out where to start. Quite frankly, I don't know what is and isn't important in this whole picture. I believe that my inability to sort things out in my own head has turned a bump in the road into a mountain, but I still think I can get past it. I just need some input from somebody who can think more clearly than I can right now and maybe help me put things into their proper perspective. Any ideas?
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Old 2nd April 2015, 1:45 PM   #2
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I'm sorry to hear this brother. Very messed up.

The fact she basically blames YOU for her cheating, though, is red flag one. You named other red flags, such as how she came home late plenty.

I'm gonna tell it to you straight.

The girl has cheated before, and will cheat again. There is no saving this relationship, and I know that that sucks for you, believe me I do.

But it's dead. You know what's coming in your heart, that's what is causing anxiety when you think about the situation.

She didn't stop at a kiss, and you know she didn't. That emotional reaction is a result of much more.

She has shown herself to be untrustworthy and a liar.

Nothing left to save. Do her a favor and show her her actions have consequences. Because we all say things we don't mean out of anger, but that isn't justification for cheating. Ever. Cut it loose.
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Old 2nd April 2015, 1:49 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by tortoise25 View Post
"You know what, I do actually." I should have seen it for the red flag that it was, but figured she was just going to go to her sister's house and her tone was due to the argument.




She explained that the night before she had gone to somebody's house and they had kissed. "We didn't have sex, if that's what you're asking." her actions. Additionally, I didn't feel justified in pushing for more information when I had absolutely no clue what I was going to do with it anyway. As a consequence of my efforts not to overreact I feel that I may have downplayed the situation too much.

I don't know whether I should take this into account, but there was a time a couple of months ago that she was extremely late getting home from work. I tried calling her several times but never got an answer. I was panicking that something had happened to her when, somewhere between 1 and 2 in the morning she came home.



She cheated on you both times.


They always confess to just kissing. They had sex.


Tell her she has to take a polygraph test.
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Old 2nd April 2015, 1:55 PM   #4
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She cheated on you both times.


They always confess to just kissing. They had sex.


Tell her she has to take a polygraph test.
I agree that this guy is getting trickle-truthed. "We just kissed." Sure.

But a polygraph? They're young, they're not married; call this one done and move on.
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Old 2nd April 2015, 1:57 PM   #5
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I read only the first line of every paragraph because your post was long as fk, but I think you have a classic problem with a classic answer.

Relationships are about many things but really the single thing you ask is for exclusivity ,hence why it's called a 'relationship' (also why 'open-relationships' are actually a contradiction in terms). Being each others fiancee is really like a trial run before marriage to see if you are compatible; even the worst marriages can start off with the perfect fiancee relationships, so having a honeymoon beginning should already be a given anyway.

She couldn't stick to the 1 single requirement, and you are already having issues during your 'trial' run. Please also bear in mind that she would have been aware that kissing another guy could have jeopardised your wedding but she still did it (albeit for a moment). If you get married and then face these issues again then you 100% deserve it. The problem isn't just the cheating but also that her heart was with someone else in a period when it should all be about the two of you.

Last edited by wb1988; 2nd April 2015 at 2:01 PM..
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Old 2nd April 2015, 2:06 PM   #6
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You don't trust her. Not sure if you did trust her before per se - rather you just didn't think about what she might be doing when you aren't in the frame. That's not really trust per se - that just ignorance. Not in a bad way but you know how they say ignorance is bliss? That was bliss. Now you think about It and you don't trust her and don't know how you ever will again. I'm not sure either.

Sorry to say - she cheated on you. It wasn't just a kiss. And I don't think it was just the one time. Confront her, snoop the crap out of her so that you can move on.

Sorry bro!
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Old 2nd April 2015, 2:13 PM   #7
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There's more than just a kiss going on, and that's the dynamic between you two. Sounds like you better plan on a long engagement because getting married probably isn't the right thing to do right now. You're both really too young and both wanting to drink and party and she's using any excuse to put herself into a position of getting kissed. She's getting hysterical for no apparent reason, and that's a very bad sign. She told you she's afraid she's not good enough for you -- and I have to say this: If someone tells you that, take it seriously, because it's usually true. They know something about themselves you don't know.

So let this play out awhile, but do NOT let her start making wedding plans. Tell her there's been too much turmoil for that at this time.
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Old 2nd April 2015, 2:33 PM   #8
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I must begin by apologizing in advance for the length, but I currently have no idea what to do, where to begin, or what details to take into consideration as I make my decisions about how to move forward, so I have included them all in hopes that somebody with more wisdom than me can help me out.

My fiancée and I have been officially together 2 years now. We met at work, so our actual relationship extends roughly another year that we were together unofficially. We have known each other for a grand total of almost 4 years now. We have essentially lived together the full two years that we have been together, although from a technical standpoint we have only officially lived together about a year and a half. We got engaged a month ago. We have both moved into new jobs since we began dating, but about 4 months ago she returned to the original workplace where we met. She works days, I work nights, during the week there are typically only a couple of hours that our time at home overlaps but we get to be together as usual on weekends. Everything had been absolutely perfect since our engagement. It seemed too perfect, and I began to get an ominous sense that something was going to come up to break the calm. I even began to feel some worry about what she was doing when I wasn't around, but wrote it off as paranoia since I had never been given even the slightest reason to think such things.

The night that this happened, we had a fight regarding drinking. My fiancée was concerned that I was drinking too closely to falling asleep, as she had heard of issues where people became dependant on alcohol as a sleep aid. On a normal day I would have simply talked to her about it. Although I drink more often than she does, I do not do so as a form of a sleep aid (or, for that matter, regularly enough for such issues to arise), nor do I experience sleep issues. Since it is very rare that she drinks, I can understand why it would worry her and why she wouldn't know that it wasn't an issue. It was a simple matter of reviewing her concerns and settling them in a civil manner. Unfortunately I did not do that. I was tired, grumpy and only half-awake (she had woken me up, it was around 5 in the afternoon so I had only been asleep for maybe 3 hours. This was on top of a week where schoolwork had been limiting my sleep to between 2 and 5 hours the three nights prior) so I snapped at her "Don't you have somewhere you can be?" She replied that she did not, but followed up with a malicious "You know what, I do actually." I should have seen it for the red flag that it was, but figured she was just going to go to her sister's house and her tone was due to the argument. I was so tired I fell asleep immediately.

I woke up at 10 for work and she was not home yet. I tried calling her a couple of times and she did not answer, so I got in the shower. When I came out I heard sobs in the kitchen, where I found her taking shots of whiskey and crying uncontrollably. I tried to find out what was wrong but all I got was severely intoxicated rambling about how we needed to talk, but not right now, because she was drunk and didn't want to say what she needed to say wrong, which then launched into more uncontrollable crying mixed with statements about how I was everything to her, how she absolutely needs our life together, how beautiful her ring is and how she never wants to have to give it back, and how much she loves my kiss. At this point I was alarmed but my employer has a very strict attendance policy so I had to go. She also said that she had been drinking Jaeger but it was only a couple of sips. This was particularly concerning to me because she almost never drinks, and she absolutely never drinks outside of the house without me around. On my way out I gave her my usual goodbye kiss and she pulled me back in and told me that she "needs to feel it" before kissing me quite aggressively. She was still crying as I left so I tried to call her on my way to work but she did not answer.

The next morning when I got home she told me we still needed to talk. I had been bracing for impact all night at work, but had forgotten to come up with a response plan. She explained that the night before she had gone to somebody's house and they had kissed. Her uncontrollable crying kicked in again while she told me she would do anything, anything to keep me. She reiterated that she needs our life together and she wished she had never done it. She stated that she regretted it immediately. I asked her if anything else had happened, to which she said "We didn't have sex, if that's what you're asking." I asked her to take me through the night so that I could understand, and her answers were very vague, which I think is contributing to my difficulty in moving forward. The guy was a coworker from another department. She went to his house, they watched Dexter, he put his arm around her and she let him, they held hands and then they kissed. She said she left immediately after and came home, which is where the last paragraph begins. She doesn't know why she did it, but we eventually reached the conclusion that she did it to get back at me for the argument the night before. She categorically denied having any physical or emotional attraction to him and says she didn't feel anything at all. Although I felt that I wanted to know much more, I was hesitant to push for more details. I feared that if I overreacted and something of a similar nature were to happen again that it might push her to hide it, which I definitely did not want. I also wanted the responses to be hers and did not want to risk putting words in her mouth as I did when trying to establish a reason for her actions. Additionally, I didn't feel justified in pushing for more information when I had absolutely no clue what I was going to do with it anyway. As a consequence of my efforts not to overreact I feel that I may have downplayed the situation too much.

I don't know whether I should take this into account, but there was a time a couple of months ago that she was extremely late getting home from work. I tried calling her several times but never got an answer. I was panicking that something had happened to her when, somewhere between 1 and 2 in the morning she came home. I could tell she had been crying. She said she had been in the parking lot at work having a mental breakdown, that she feared that I was too good for her. She thanked me for letting her have the time to herself so that she could get her mind straight. I don't know if I should read into this or not, but at the moment I'm involuntarily calling virtually everything that has happened in my recent life into question.

Although I felt unsettled, I proceeded to forgive her. With the circumstances I thought it was something I could get past. We are both young (23 and 20). As such, it is the first time either of us has been in a relationship of such a serious nature and we progressed very quickly, as can probably be seen by how we were almost immediately living together once we made our relationship official. The fact that this environment could lead to a higher likelihood of some straying crossed my mind more than once, but like I mentioned before I had never once been given a reason to believe it would actually happen and reasoned that it was just unfounded insecurity each time it crossed my mind. She has always maintained a very, very aggressive policy against cheating because her dad cheated on her mom, which led to their divorce. Our relationship almost ended after only a couple of months because she found porn in my dropbox, which sent her into hysterics. I'm fairly certain the only reason we made it past that was my refusal to let her leave until she calmed down and we talked about it. Anyway, the point here is that her strong opinions against cheating in any form combined with the strength of our relationship left me confident my worries were just that, and so I never entertained them for long. Her regret seemed genuine and I felt comfortable that it was a one time thing.

It has now been over a week and I feel that not only have I not been able to move forward but that I've regressed in that time period. School and work have kept me busy, so my chances to try to process what happened have been few. When I do try to think about it and figure out how to move forward, my anxiety shoots through the roof. I start shaking and get so dizzy and naseous that I feel like I'm on the brink of passing out. I have never experienced anything but the most mild effects of anxiety in the past. Writing this out has been the first time I've been able to actually review everything from beginning to end since it happened, and even now I'm shaking so badly it's making it difficult to type. I can't settle down enough to sleep. When I do sleep, it's cut short when I'm jarred awake by the same thoughts and sensations that made it impossible to sleep in the first place. I find my mistrust taking over my mind like a runaway freight train whenever she goes anywhere. I picture her at work flirting with the guys and engaging in various covert affairs. She has been coming home later than scheduled, which isn't unusual at all and never has been with that employer, but now when it happens my anxiety amplifies even more and my thoughts wander further and further each time. I can't focus at work or at school because I'm thinking about what she might be doing at home while I'm gone.

It's tearing me apart inside. From, quite literally, the moment that I forgave her she has behaved as if everything is back to normal. Her previously uncontrollable emotions were immediately replaced with our typical playful banner. I feel like her casual continuance of life in the face of my implosion is only making it worse. Just for the record, I do not blame her for her demeanor as I have not communicated just how much of a toll it has been taking and I have always been talented in masking my emotions, however I am finding myself feeling distant and detached when I am with her. I just can't win.

This past week has left me feeling like I mentally boxed Mike Tyson. I find myself wondering how just a kiss could cause such a ridiculous reaction on my part, and I still don't know the answer but the fact is that it is and I need to find a solution. I wonder if it really was just a kiss or if I'm only getting a portion of the truth, which then leads me to wonder how I can know for sure that her story is true. I am left unsure how I can rebuild my trust in her. I wonder if this is the only time it has happened, and then I wonder if she has felt enticed to do something like it at any other point, and then I wonder if those details even matter. I wonder, even if it was just a kiss, whether she had intentions of doing more that were interrupted by her guilt, if she might have done more had she gotten more than a couple of sips of alcohol in her, if next time she will not stop at just a kiss, if there will even be a next time, if next time she will tell me or try to cover it up, if my failure to respond effectively is enabling her, if her casual response is a sign of relief that her mistakes didn't cost her dearly or a sign that her regret was not as sincere as it seemed. These are just a few of the many, many questions that have gone through my head recently.

I know that I can't keep all of these things internalized, but I also don't know how to talk to her without overwhelming both her and myself. I need help figuring out where to start. Quite frankly, I don't know what is and isn't important in this whole picture. I believe that my inability to sort things out in my own head has turned a bump in the road into a mountain, but I still think I can get past it. I just need some input from somebody who can think more clearly than I can right now and maybe help me put things into their proper perspective. Any ideas?
tortoise- Sorry to have to tell you this, but not only did she do more than kiss other guy that night, it was not the first time either. Your own words in above in bold is enough proof for me that she has been cheating.


Further proof is her attempt to Gaslight or blame you for her actions because of your spat. If she is so immature as to run off and have sex with another guy because of a simple argument like the one you described, then she will always pick fights with you so she can go have sex with other guys after you are married. Do you really want to marry a cheater right out of the gate? Make no mistake, she is lying about not having sex with the other guy.


You need to go get tested for STDs' and as painful as it will be for you, get as far away from this woman as you can.
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Old 2nd April 2015, 3:26 PM   #9
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Ouch. I'm so sorry, OP. I agree with the others that this almost certainly is not the first time she has cheated. I think she has had something going on the side with this guy for a while and she just couldn't handle the guilt anymore. I also highly doubt it was only a kiss. This is no bump in the road; this is a mountain of a problem. Her previously telling you she wasn't good enough for you was likely because she knew something you didn't. She also knew exactly where she was going the night she left. He was waiting for her, I would bet.


Tell her the engagement is off. She is not marriage material at this point in her life. In my humble opinion, you are both too young and inexperienced to be making a lifelong commitment anyway. But that's another ball of wax. Stop masking your emotions and make it damn clear to her how hurt you are and that you can't just pretend nothing happened. I would not be able to trust someone like her, and thus would not stay in this relationship. She's too shady and doesn't know how to take responsibility for her actions.

As far as getting the whole truth, you might never hear it. But do you really need to? You already know you can't trust her. I would also not trust that she's not going to simply just take this thing with her co-worker further underground and continue on. She thinks she got away with it, after all.
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Old 2nd April 2015, 4:52 PM   #10
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Thanks for the replies, I'm still far from being able to think straight but having the input is making it a lot easier. Maybe I'm just a glutton for suffering but I can't help but want to hear it from her. Does anyone have wisdom on how to go about extracting the missing pieces of information from her story?
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Old 4th April 2015, 10:02 PM   #11
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So have you talked to her or exposed what happened yet, or have you asked her to get tested for stds yet?

Or asked her for the ring back?
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Old 4th April 2015, 10:20 PM   #12
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Thanks for the replies, I'm still far from being able to think straight but having the input is making it a lot easier. Maybe I'm just a glutton for suffering but I can't help but want to hear it from her. Does anyone have wisdom on how to go about extracting the missing pieces of information from her story?
Get a polygraph test done and all your questions will be answered. If she refuses to go, that is an answer as well.
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Old 4th April 2015, 10:44 PM   #13
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Thanks for the replies, I'm still far from being able to think straight but having the input is making it a lot easier. Maybe I'm just a glutton for suffering but I can't help but want to hear it from her. Does anyone have wisdom on how to go about extracting the missing pieces of information from her story?
You may never get her truth.

Most gals don't sob uncontrollably from a kiss - I think her reaction is because she had sex.

Polygraph is in order.

In the meantime - don't consider marriage. She cheats - she solves conflict with running to another man. No bueno.
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