avoforastig Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I've been seeing my girlfriend for about 6-7 months. We are both around age 30. I'm starting to have some doubts about her communication skills that are troubling me. Whenever I call her, she always seems devoid of energy and never excited to hear from me. The conversations can be downright difficult at times. Frequently, when we are together, she expresses this same lack of energy or excitement to do anything. She is exceedingly shy and never contributes anything during social outings with my friends, so I feel they aren't really getting to know her at all. In addition, I have to make all of our social plans, otherwise I think she would just stay in her apartment with her cat all day. On multiple occasions, I had to encourage her to make plans with her own friends. She claims to just be an introvert, but I feel like this is more extreme behavior than simply being an introvert. Not initiating any activities with friends for a 6 month period really concerns me. A complete lack of energy to do anything also concerns me. She's a really sweet, pretty girl but I'm starting to think our lifestyles just don't mesh. Can I confront about these things or should I just break up with her?(by the way, she avoids confrontation like the plague) Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 She sounds more anti-social than introvert. Dating is about figuring out if you are compatible for the long run. It takes about 6 months I'd say to know if this is a match or not. If she has always been like this than this is her, what you see is what you get. What do you like in her? How does she enhance your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I've been seeing my girlfriend for about 6-7 months. We are both around age 30. I'm starting to have some doubts about her communication skills that are troubling me. Whenever I call her, she always seems devoid of energy and never excited to hear from me. The conversations can be downright difficult at times. Frequently, when we are together, she expresses this same lack of energy or excitement to do anything. She is exceedingly shy and never contributes anything during social outings with my friends, so I feel they aren't really getting to know her at all. In addition, I have to make all of our social plans, otherwise I think she would just stay in her apartment with her cat all day. On multiple occasions, I had to encourage her to make plans with her own friends. She claims to just be an introvert, but I feel like this is more extreme behavior than simply being an introvert. Not initiating any activities with friends for a 6 month period really concerns me. A complete lack of energy to do anything also concerns me. She's a really sweet, pretty girl but I'm starting to think our lifestyles just don't mesh. Can I confront about these things or should I just break up with her?(by the way, she avoids confrontation like the plague) She is emotionally stunted at best. After six months, even if she's just shy or introverted, she should be comfortable enough with you to "come out of her shell" with you. I'd venture to say that her "style" will not change anytime soon. I would at the very least have a conversation with her about this in a non-confrontational way. You can say, "hey, I'm a pretty active, social person and I want to be able to share activities with you and do things you like to do". Ask her if she has specific things she would like to do and whether she's just too shy or feels it's not ok for her to let you know she wants certain things. If she's unwilling to or says she doesn't have any interests or doesn't even have an interest in developing anything like that, then you'll have to say that your lifestyles don't mesh and end things. This will be a huge issue for a long term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary Oak Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I had the exact same situation happen. My ex and I were very in sync. I started dating someone else and I could not "connect" with her on any level. and I tried. She could not communicate and all. Many texts were just "K". It drove me nuts. She ended up breaking up with me, over something. But, I am so glad. It was tiresome trying to "pull" life out of her. UGH! I know the pain. My advice would just tell her you are not compatible. Its true and there is nothing wrong with it. Some people you connect with, some you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 She sounds like an absolute bore! Does her lack of enthusiasm and interest transfer to the bedroom too? It's hard to imagine that it wouldn't. And then the question that arises is - why are you even with her? Ok, I get it, she's nice and pretty, but are you actually enjoying the time you spend with her? Does she bring anything interesting/fun to the relationship? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 She might need much less external stimulation than you. She might be introvert and she might like being by herself. It does not mean she hates people. Read on google about having introvert for partner if you want to understand her better. If not, bitching about her every month on LS will not improve your relationship. You might be wasting her time. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 She might need much less external stimulation than you. She might be introvert and she might like being by herself. It does not mean she hates people. Read on google about having introvert for partner if you want to understand her better. If not, bitching about her every month on LS will not improve your relationship. You might be wasting her time. Maybe he needs to try and understand her better, but to just assume that she's an introvert isn't fair to introverts. My last boyfriend was an introvert and yet he was able to hold a conversation, make a joke, say something interesting, plan social events and talk to my friends when he saw them. Just saying she's an introvert based on how OP described her seems insulting to introverts and seems to use a stereotypical view of what an introvert is. She may be an introvert, but the majority of the things OP was complaining about are likely to be more due to something else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Maybe he needs to try and understand her better, but to just assume that she's an introvert isn't fair to introverts. My last boyfriend was an introvert and yet he was able to hold a conversation, make a joke, say something interesting, plan social events and talk to my friends when he saw them. Just saying she's an introvert based on how OP described her seems insulting to introverts and seems to use a stereotypical view of what an introvert is. She may be an introvert, but the majority of the things OP was complaining about are likely to be more due to something else. Saying someone, a nice person according to OP, might be an introvert is insulting to introverts, is it? Dear God... The girl might be depressed too. Are all depressed people now going to be insulted? Give me a break... We are just trying to "diagnose" someone on the basis of few sentences by someone else, without having seen or talked to that person, and without having a full story of what is going on. Thus the use of words like might... as opposed to is. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Saying someone, a nice person according to OP, might be an introvert is insulting to introverts, is it? Dear God... The girl might be depressed too. Are all depressed people now going to be insulted? Give me a break... We are just trying to "diagnose" someone on the basis of few sentences by someone else, without having seen or talked to that person, and without having a full story of what is going on. Thus the use of words like might... as opposed to is. OP's words 'she always seems devoid of energy and never excited to hear from me. The conversations can be downright difficult at times. Frequently, when we are together, she expresses this same lack of energy or excitement to do anything. She is exceedingly shy and never contributes anything during social outings with my friends, so I feel they aren't really getting to know her at all. In addition, I have to make all of our social plans, otherwise I think she would just stay in her apartment with her cat all day. On multiple occasions, I had to encourage her to make plans with her own friends.' and from that your diagnosis is 'she might be an introvert' - which implies that you believe these are the traits that make up an introvert, and when I made my comment about how that's is insulting to introverts, because they're not all like that...then you come out with expert diagnosis of 'she might be depressed too' give me a ****in break! Why wasn't that part of your initial insight then? Like I said before, yeah she may be an introvert, but the description that OP is giving (which is all we have to go on) doesn't just stop at she's an introvert, there is something else going on there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avoforastig Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 She sounds like an absolute bore! Does her lack of enthusiasm and interest transfer to the bedroom too? It's hard to imagine that it wouldn't. And then the question that arises is - why are you even with her? Ok, I get it, she's nice and pretty, but are you actually enjoying the time you spend with her? Does she bring anything interesting/fun to the relationship? In the bedroom, she's definitely the least adventurous woman I've been with but her frequency of wanting sex is significantly higher than average. Why am I with her? When its just me and her doing something relaxing, things seem to work fine. She usually goes along with my plans and never complains, unless a social activity is involved (then she moans and groans). She is a good listener. She's non-religious like myself, we have some similar interests, and as stated before is physically attractive. I've dated an introvert before and she was able to get excited about things more frequently, especially when I called her to chat. Maybe she has social anxiety, maybe not. I'm not a shrink, nor do I want to be hers. Basically, any tips on how to approach a non-confrontational anxious person would be helpful? Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 In the bedroom, she's definitely the least adventurous woman I've been with but her frequency of wanting sex is significantly higher than average. Why am I with her? When its just me and her doing something relaxing, things seem to work fine. She usually goes along with my plans and never complains, unless a social activity is involved (then she moans and groans). She is a good listener. She's non-religious like myself, we have some similar interests, and as stated before is physically attractive. I've dated an introvert before and she was able to get excited about things more frequently, especially when I called her to chat. Maybe she has social anxiety, maybe not. I'm not a shrink, nor do I want to be hers. Basically, any tips on how to approach a non-confrontational anxious person would be helpful? Thanks for explaining things a bit more. Honestly, I'm sorry to say that I don't know how you can deal with this, other than just saying that you'd like for the both of you to do more social things together - I dunno what you can do. Because if she is an anxious person that is really uncomfortable in social situations, then that wouldn't be something she'd like and it would just increase her anxiety. Maybe you guys just aren't compatible. I think some other posters here were mentioning that. There's nothing wrong with it. She could be a great girl and this doesn't mean she's a bad person, it just means that she doesn't satisfy your needs when it comes to that, and you kinda push her out of her comfort zone and she doesn't seem to like it. I'm sorry, I honestly don't know what to tell you that would help. I think if you guys keep going on as it is, eventually you will end up fed up with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avoforastig Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 She is emotionally stunted at best. After six months, even if she's just shy or introverted, she should be comfortable enough with you to "come out of her shell" with you. I'd venture to say that her "style" will not change anytime soon. I would at the very least have a conversation with her about this in a non-confrontational way. You can say, "hey, I'm a pretty active, social person and I want to be able to share activities with you and do things you like to do". Ask her if she has specific things she would like to do and whether she's just too shy or feels it's not ok for her to let you know she wants certain things. If she's unwilling to or says she doesn't have any interests or doesn't even have an interest in developing anything like that, then you'll have to say that your lifestyles don't mesh and end things. This will be a huge issue for a long term relationship. She is pleased by the simple things in life. I should inquire more about things she wants to do. My problem is that I seemingly have to squeeze the information out of her, instead of her ever making suggestions. I feel bad being critical of such a kind, thoughtful person. However, my main goal in dating though is to find a person who I have oodles of fun with. A person who cheers me up when I'm down and vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 She is pleased by the simple things in life. I should inquire more about things she wants to do. My problem is that I seemingly have to squeeze the information out of her, instead of her ever making suggestions. I feel bad being critical of such a kind, thoughtful person. However, my main goal in dating though is to find a person who I have oodles of fun with. A person who cheers me up when I'm down and vice versa. And this is not her. She is just boring. I have dated introverted people, anti-social, and lately I have been dating someone a bit socially awkward. All these men had no problem being interesting, energetic, and good communicator on one-on-one time with me. I read why you like her and you just like her for the basic. She is nice and she is there. That's about it. I don't know why you want to change her into your ideal girl instead of just accepting you are not compatible and move on to someone better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Awon Apanilerin Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 It's not her communication style. She's just not interested in you very much. Don't be deceived. When a woman has a high interest level, her communication level will be high as well. Just end things with her because it is only going to get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 It's not her communication style. She's just not interested in you very much. Don't be deceived. When a woman has a high interest level, her communication level will be high as well. Just end things with her because it is only going to get worse. I agree with this a little bit. I think she's not that interested, but more because she isn't really able to feel very much. She almost sounds depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Awon Apanilerin Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I agree with this a little bit. I think she's not that interested, but more because she isn't really able to feel very much. She almost sounds depressed. Yup. It's also likely OP is the one to initiate most conversations and always trying to keep the conversation lively. Why should she feel the need to initiate anything when he already does it? She already benefits from being able to just sit back and watch him do all the work so there's no incentive for her to initiate anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ebelskiver Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Jeez, Awon, you make it sound like every woman has some secret agenda to lie on the floor and have men breath for them whilst providing them dinner and scintilating conversation. Can it be possible she and this man are just not matched and that she actually isn't trying to use him at all! She does sound depressed. Maybe a bit socially awkward. Either way, she really doesn't seem to be right for you. There are women out there who are fun and engaging and adventurous (and who aren't plotting to ensnare you in some floor lying breathing dinner scam). There are better options. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Van AZN Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Confrontation in a flourishing relationships leads resolution and a better understanding of each other. If she's avoiding your efforts then that's a sign of being selfish. Understandably she can be depressed, introverted, awkward, anti-social, etc... but a relationship needs to go both ways. Have you tried talking to her friends about what was she like in the past? Does she have family you can talk to for better understanding of her situation? Maybe she communicates better via text/emails (sounds odd but whatever works to get her to open up). If she is anxious in social gatherings, maybe she needs a "security blanket?" or something else that'll keep her grounded. Good luck friend! Link to post Share on other sites
Awon Apanilerin Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Jeez, Awon, you make it sound like every woman has some secret agenda to lie on the floor and have men breath for them whilst providing them dinner and scintilating conversation. Can it be possible she and this man are just not matched and that she actually isn't trying to use him at all! You hear what you want to hear. If that's your perception, so be it. Like I said, she just doesn't have much interest in him. Of course, if she is depressed, her interest in him will go down. Whether it is depression or not, the interest just isn't there. He needs to break things off and exercise his options that will meet his communication needs. Link to post Share on other sites
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