How can I stop being a clingy girlfriend?

[MapleWish]

i'm 22 and been dating since i was 18, and so i'm realizing (also thanks to my current boyfriend) that in the 4 years of my dating life i'm clingy and i believe that stems from me being insecure and i want to better myself and stop being clingy and needy. i looked up articles about clingyness and it mentioned the insecurity can come from past relationships maybe in which the clingy person was cheated on, yes that happened but in my case it was emotional cheating, (a boyfriend i had from when i was 18 to when i was 20 was in love with another girl while he was with me) i havent dated much, had only 2 real bfs and my longest was 2 years, one after that was 8 months. now the guy i'm with is 25 and we've been talking/dating since late September, he's looking for something real and meaningful and so am i, but last night i got on him about his lack of affection at times and he noted to me i seem to be the type that ALWAYS has to be touchy and ALWAYS has to be shown affection or else i get insecure and feel unloved and unwanted. i think that's true and not just because I AM a very affectionate girl, i love showing affection but my problem is when i dont receive it as much as i give it, i get upset. i just want affection either verbally or physically, not all the time but if like a week goes by and my bf hasnt been affectionate verbally during that week, then i like him to make up for it by being affectionate physically, ie cuddling, holding hands, hugging etc. but if i'm not getting affection verbally or physically then i get neurotic and frustrate him. being affectionate and touchy is who i am, i wont change that but it would be essential to our relationship to change my neediness and clingyness, cause i also do not want to nag him into the ground. he's stated he's NOT a very affectionate guy which i understand, most guys arent touchy like that but i'd rather compromise and accept his personality than say "i'm clingy and you can't handle that, so we're done." cause that's the crossroads i'm at, stuck between "he should accept me the way i am" vs having the clingyness trait is not a good trait to have and i should most definitely change that

[Country_Girl]

I think affection is just your Love Language. Google "5 love languages" and figure out which category he falls into. Do things according to the category he falls into, and you might find he increases the affection. Your trait

Is not necessarily a bad thing, but I say try to cut the affection you are having in half.

 

I say this because My love language is affection as well- I love: cuddling, snuggling, kisses, hand holding. But in excess, this can even annoy me. Yes, I'm a super snuggler and even got annoyed with my date a little over a week ago. It was a second date and he was all about rubbing my feet, was disappointed I wouldn't cuddle with him on the couch, I couldn't even be left alone to go smoke on the porch- he was like a lap dog glued to my hip. I found this a big turn off and we will not be going on another date.

 

So I say cut back a bit, and try to meet his love language needs for a healthy balance. If you don't see improvement in a month or 2, maybe you both are just not compatible.

[d0nnivain]

Wanting a certain level of physical affection is not that clingy or needy. However, if your partner cannot meet your needs that may be an indication that you aren't compatible. Being unable to function if your partner isn't touching you that would be an issue.

 

 

I am not clingy but I expect that my husband will kiss me hello & goodbye & that we'll hold hands when out in public. If a man couldn't meet those needs I would chalk it up to him not being right for me.

 

 

Change your perspective. Why does you wanting more than he can give make you wrong? Why doesn't it make him the wrong guy for you?

 

 

If everything else is good in your relationship, are you willing to give up some of what you want in order to keep all the other good things? You don't have to. But you do need to weigh your options.

[Detectingfreak]

Here are some tips coming from someone who used to be clingy with friends and loved ones.

 

1. Take a step back and breath! They are with you because they want to be with you. They are not going to jump ship unless you do something terribly stupid like cheating on them.

 

2. Leave your phone at home when you go out with a group of friends. This really will help combat wanting to text you S/O. I started doing this with others just on a normal basis and they don't get texts from me as often as they used to. It gives the other person some breathing room.

 

3. You don't have to answer their phone calls and texts every time. One thing that has taught me about being with someone else is that it is okay to skip a phone call or text. Unfortunately I didn't learn this until I went to counseling and the counselor told me after my relationship ended.

 

4. Turn off your phone when your drunk or high. I think this is a must for anyone who wants to partake in these activities with their friends but not their S/O. Then your S/O will not get the drunk or high text because you were intoxicated or stoned out of your mind and did things at random.

 

5. Let the S/O have time to themselves and trust them. If you don't let the other person have time to themselve them the relationship wont last long.

 

This is what I gathered from a professional counselor after 3-4 months of therapy from getting out of a two year abusive relationship where my ex made me be around her 24/7 and run errands for her. I also wanted to be around her 24/7 and thats not healthy. I advise others to follow this advice. Even though I am never dating again, it will help others in the future.

[coolheadal]

Nothing wrong with being clingy and you can't stop it if your already clingy. Good to show emotion of love and etc. The BF should be happy if you show him this. Most GF don't know how. They won't hold hands, (ouch), they won't cuddle (big ouch!), they don't say I love you daily (extreme ouch). Why can't they say and do these things because they're not clingy or they just don't know how to do it. I had that said she couldn't tell me she love me daily because she she said it wasn't something she like to do. (What!)

 

But anyway don't change for anyone be who you are. Because who you are makes you a wonderful person to be with!

 

Yes if you in your past had a Cheating BF then your be even more clingy because of that trust was betrayed. Then you start by not giving them too much space. This you have to watch out for too with current BF or any other BF you might encounter. I say they should be glad your show so much interest int hem to be with them.

 

Why wouldn't they want you around more. Like they need space for other reasons. These reasons doesn't mean time for them to do anythings. Just don't know what's going on in their heads at times. If a guy or gal never cheated then you all set. But once they have they have to be closely kept eye on. Watch for signs of behavioral changes towards you. Those are Red Flags to watch for. This means there is another guy or gal in their life now and your being phased out slowly of their life.

Edited January 1, 2015 by coolheadal

[GemmaUK]

I'm a touchy person but for me it's not about being glued at the hip,

I like a simple waist, shoulder or arm touch when he walks past me and this is how I treat a man I am with also.

 

 

I agree with finding out his love language and then talking about it together.

 

 

Compromise is usually all there if you communicate.

 

 

Being too touchy can be a pain. The last guy I dated was basically not touchy except he would hug me - but it was hard hugs that hurt (he was much much bigger than me), he would also stop me from moving away by poking his fingers in my ribs - I got an injured ligament from that. I asked him to use the flat of his hand instead - it came to the point where his best friend, me and him had an argument about it and his best friend finally got through to him on it.

He also insisted upon having his arm around my shoulder when he was smoking and he would have his cigarette in the hand that was around me. I hated that, I have long curly hair that flips wherever when it's windy.

 

 

Sometimes touchy is not good - so be considerate to him about touchiness - just something to bear in mind.

It might be that it's uber inconvenient at the times you touch - if you get me.

 

 

If all else is good though then do communicate with him.

[coolheadal]

I'm a touchy person but for me it's not about being glued at the hip,

I like a simple waist, shoulder or arm touch when he walks past me and this is how I treat a man I am with also.

 

 

I agree with finding out his love language and then talking about it together.

 

 

Compromise is usually all there if you communicate.

 

 

Being too touchy can be a pain. The last guy I dated was basically not touchy except he would hug me - but it was hard hugs that hurt (he was much much bigger than me), he would also stop me from moving away by poking his fingers in my ribs - I got an injured ligament from that. I asked him to use the flat of his hand instead - it came to the point where his best friend, me and him had an argument about it and his best friend finally got through to him on it.

He also insisted upon having his arm around my shoulder when he was smoking and he would have his cigarette in the hand that was around me. I hated that, I have long curly hair that flips wherever when it's windy.

 

 

Sometimes touchy is not good - so be considerate to him about touchiness - just something to bear in mind.

It might be that it's uber inconvenient at the times you touch - if you get me.

 

 

If all else is good though then do communicate with him.

 

Well in this case he should have realize he was hurting you. But looks like he didn't understand this. Why so rough. He could have been gentle. Your not tough your soft. I don't get why guys don't understand this. Your hurting the one you love why keep doing it. I like touch I like a lot of things that are nice to do for the one. Still I find girls can't except this. In all guys out there don't hurt the one you love. Don't squeeze their hands when holding them.

 

Be gentle! It's the best way to live!

[preraph]

Clinginess usually comes childhood dynamics, not past relationships. It's insecurity. It's something that can end every relationship you get into because it will create the thing you fear most. No one likes a clinger. You should work on it with a therapist and get to the root of it and begin applying that knowledge to change your behavior.

 

Now, mind you, in no way am I telling you that every red flag or intuition you have that a guy is cheating is your insecurity. Because many people cheat. But in order for your instincts to work right, you first have to uncloud them from that insecurity problem or they're worthless to you. And always remember that no amount of monitoring or nagging can ever stop anyone from cheating and in fact it will drive most people to leave you sooner. So there's no reward for being clingy and demanding to know where someone is every moment or to constantly seek reassurances by demanding they stay in contact for no real reason. It works against you.