dating a newly separated man

[Scaatys2014]

So, I reconnected with a man I had dated years ago. we had a fantastic relationship, ongoing for 4 years and it ended. We lost touch and both moved on and married other people. I divorced almost a year ago and have begun dating again. His separation is new. (only 5 mos in). He rang me up and asked me for a date. The date went VERY well. It was almost as if no time had passed at all and we talked until the wee hours of the morning. we talk every day and get along very well. He claims he has always loved me and would love to be with me again.

 

 

It just feels so comfortable being with him and I would love to just go with it but I get a niggling feeling that I should guard my heart until his papers are signed, sealed, delivered. Am I being too cautious? the things he says to me leads me to believe his feelings for me are genuine but what are the odds that his ex wife could convince him to come back? Am I a rebound to forget?

 

 

Has anyone else had experience dating a newly separated individual? Did it work out/not?

 

 

Thanks in advance...

[Satu]

It's not possible to say whether it will or won't work out, but it could.

 

I would go slowly if I were you.

[mysteryscape]

Odds are good (but not certain) that he will come back into his wife's orbit.

 

Guys fresh out of a bad marriage are usually bad news. (So are women.)

 

I would be very very careful unless you just don't care, which doesn't seem to be the case.

[Scaatys2014]

Thank you. I'm trying very hard to not get attached. some days his messages are filled with I love you's and such sweet words and the next a very ambiguous "have a good day". Those days are the worst, where I get my doubts. I thought maybe I was just over thinking things but it could very well be that he may be the one with the doubts.

[MadJackBird]

Do you know the details of why his marriage failed? It may change the timing of his healing.

 

Divorce is one of the most difficult things to go through. There is a whole range of emotions and self esteem issues he could be going through that take a while to sort through. I know it took me the better part of a year post separation to feel healed.

[CarrieT]

Totally failed for me:

 

I dated a man for almost a year who had been separated for eight months. During the year, he worked through the process of divorce and after multiple delayed court dates, the time arrived and during mediation, they reconciled.

 

Broke my heart more than I can describe.

 

Until they are fully and 100% divorced, they technically still belong to another person and there is the potential for too much drama.

[Jules Dash]

Do...not.. do...it.

 

Is it a "legal" separation or is he just living apart from his wife?

 

First of all, he is still technically married. So essentially, you are dating a married man. I am not going into the morality part here, I am speaking mostly from the perspective that when two people are still technically married, the potential for reconciliation and getting back together is not as difficult as a simple breakup of GF and BF. You can wake up one day and he can tell you that he and his wife got back together and you will be left with a broken heart. In other words, he is not really available.

 

Second, you will have to walk on so much eggshell that it will be difficult to really enjoy the relationship. The first sign that you are getting too attached or a major disagreement occurs, he will be out of there.

 

Third, 5 months is not enough time to heal from a broken marriage, especially if children are involved. He may think he is ready to move on but he is not really. You are likely a rebound or transitional person. He needs someone to help him heal. His needs now won't necessarily be the same once he has healed a bit more then guess what...you will be out of there.

 

Fourth, do you really want to be around through a divorce process? You know how ugly this can get.

 

 

I have dated a separated woman before and I can tell you, I won't do it again. It is just not worth it at all. Thankfully, I kept my guard up the whole time but never told her I had them up.

 

I think this guy said it best. Put this in your smartphone notes and read it to yourself everyday:

 

I just got involved with someone, very deeply involved, but it turned out that I was just her transitional guy, and I transitioned out of her life pretty quickly. I don’t think that asking a lot of questions is protection enough against getting hurt, though, because I put her through a catechism of questions about commitment, being in it for the long run, being seriously into me, and even got e-mails from her putting her sincere and total commitment in writing, so there could be no ambiguity about what exactly she was promising me, but that didn’t stop her from bailing on me two weeks into this relationship. (I would have asked for even more assurances, but didn’t want to risk scaring her off–I just wanted to be assured that she would be there at least long enough to work through any issues that presented themselves at first. None did, but she jetted anyway: “I’m just not that into you. Sorry,” two weeks after promising me that was the one ‘reason’ she would never give me.) No more separated-but-not-divorceds for me, no matter how beautiful and charming and smart and sweet. I violated my own hard-and-fast rule against dating such women, but there really are no exceptions to good rules like that, and you break them at your peril.

[CarrieT]

He claims he has always loved me and would love to be with me again.

Also, if this is true, than he will STILL love you when he is 100% fully divorced. He is pushing the issue and there is no need for him to jump so quickly when he isn't healed from the hurt over the ending of the marriage.

[DancinBallerina]

I foolishly thought a guy who had separated from his GF of 6 months was well and truly over her. How wrong was I . .

 

(I have known this guy for 4/5 years, we have always got on very well and discovered that we liked one another). We met up during the summer for drinks, catch up and then had 2 x nights in together back to back, where we watched a movie and things got physical - everything apart from sex (thank god). However things soon turned sour; he didn't talk to me for a week, so I sent a polite message, to which he responded with some crap of ''I'm not in a good place right now'', so I left it at that. A month passed and I heard nothing more. However gut instinct told me that he has rekindled his relationship with his gf . . nothing was confirmed but I had a feeling . . and BAM my gut was right! (went onto my personal twitter to find a tweet on my timeline he sent to her about being the best gf ever). After spending almost all summer with this guy telling me he had finished with is ex gf and etc, he went crawling back to her. He even slagged her off to me, saying he wanted a woman with intellect (which this girl lacks), and has a child from a previous relationship which he hates. I haven't spoken to him since the summer, although I have gone shopping several times where he works (not purposely to see him, but to do my shopping), and I have ignored him on all occasions.

 

My advice OP - although this guy may be separated, you are treading on dodgy water! By all means, keep dating and etc, but don't sink all your eggs into one basket!

 

Good Luck!

[SparklingandBroken]

If he is already saying "I love you", that is a red flag for me. I am separated for 11 months now and my ex started dating one month in and I could still see messages on our home computer. He loved her more than anyone else blah blah, looking at rings and houses..as soon as a new shiny toy crossed his path he ditched her and laughed saying "she was obviously a rebound".

[ready4therightone]

As a guy, no. He is filling his time which would be normally filled with grief with you. He shouldn't be barking up an old HS friends tree using your emotions when he needs a proper rebound or two. He probably doesn't even realize you will be a rebound.