HurtGator Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Does anyone believe in this? I am just learning about it for the first time. My exgf was the type that would give me gifts and buy me stuff. But she seemed to not be too happy when I wasn't showering her with gifts. Instead, I thought it was important to do stuff for her, take care of her when she needs help, make sure she's always safe, etc. Any of you women are gift givers?? Do you expect your significant other to also give you a bunch of gifts? Link to post Share on other sites
mariekatie Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Does anyone believe in this? I am just learning about it for the first time. My exgf was the type that would give me gifts and buy me stuff. But she seemed to not be too happy when I wasn't showering her with gifts. Instead, I thought it was important to do stuff for her, take care of her when she needs help, make sure she's always safe, etc. Any of you women are gift givers?? Do you expect your significant other to also give you a bunch of gifts? I love buying gifts for my guy but i don't necessary expect a gift back. But it would be nice to receive something once in a while. On some bad days, i will start thinking "am i the only one putting in effort? Do i love him more than he love me?" Link to post Share on other sites
Ann253 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I truly believe in the love languages. Mine is quality time. My ex husband thought I was clingy because of it, but after I read the book (after the divorce) I understand a lot more about myself. Im also more aware of what my SO wants so I can try to please him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtGator Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 I love buying gifts for my guy but i don't necessary expect a gift back. But it would be nice to receive something once in a while. On some bad days, i will start thinking "am i the only one putting in effort? Do i love him more than he love me?" How do you define this "something"? Does it have to necessarily be like an object he buys from a store? Can it be dinner? Can it be a gesture? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtGator Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 I truly believe in the love languages. Mine is quality time. My ex husband thought I was clingy because of it, but after I read the book (after the divorce) I understand a lot more about myself. Im also more aware of what my SO wants so I can try to please him. I don't know what my exgf's love language is, but if I had to guess, she wanted all the love languages hahaha. But she seemed to gauge my effort by how much I spend on her. I felt like she never really appreciated all the things I've done for her and it felt like she was taking me for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
Ann253 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I find love languages interesting. I have a niece who is always making small gifts for everyone, so I know hers is gifts, and her sister is always trying to help people, so I think hers is acts of kindness. Mine is time, and words of affirmation, which makes me seem really needy lol. Most people like all the love languages, but they typically have a more dominate one. I have a fairly new bf, and I think his is words of affirmation, but I'm still learning. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 When gift-giving is a love language type thing, and not some superficial sort of thing, I think it's often about a person being very sentimental, in my observations. Like it's not that they are looking at the price tag of the necklace you bought them and measuring your love that way (that's more a superficial thing, I think). But rather they are noticing that you remembered their favorite flower is the lily and that they prefer silver over other metals, and you got them a silver necklace with a lily-shaped pendant. Or paused for a moment on a page in a magazine and mumbled that they really liked something, and you saved that magazine, hunted down that item and gave it to them months later for their birthday. Stuff like that. My ex's mother was very much this type, so when I bought gifts for her for holidays/birthday I made sure the gifts I picked out were very personalized, and she'd get all emotional in a positive way. Didn't matter that I was dirt broke and so the gifts were under $40. She was just a very sentimental person and she loved it when people showed that they cared enough to know and remember what she likes. This is very different from someone who just wants you to arbitrarily spend money on them. Personally I don't care much for stuff, but in a relationship I'm very physically affectionate and crave lots of physical affection in return. If my partner didn't love on me for a week, I'd feel just as crappy as a gift-type person would if their partner bought them something for Christmas that didn't reflect their personality at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I've heard the "love language" buzzword and have no idea what it means... Anywho, IMO, gift giving/receiving depends on the individual. I'm very giving. I'm always trying to volunteer, give gifts, money, etc. It's very hard for me to receive gifts and/or gratitude. Why? Some people try to "buy" affections of others. Some have a martyrdom complex. I don't have either. I guess over the years, people have been gracious towards me and my family...and, I guess that rubbed off on me. And, while I am no ways "rich", I guess I sorta have some sort of "yuppie guilt" - where I feel bad cuz I'm doing well and others do not. But overall, I love giving cuz how it makes "me" feel too. I like seeing people happy, I like making a difference. Now, about me having a problem with "accepting" things? Well, I think it goes to me trying to be independent. I guess I feel stronger and/or safer to know that "I" got my back. If I allow myself to be open to people doing and/or giving things to me - I'll become weak, vulnerable, dependent. And, over the years, people - especially family - let me down, so it's hard for me to let my guard down and just let people do things for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtGator Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 I find love languages interesting. I have a niece who is always making small gifts for everyone, so I know hers is gifts, and her sister is always trying to help people, so I think hers is acts of kindness. Mine is time, and words of affirmation, which makes me seem really needy lol. Most people like all the love languages, but they typically have a more dominate one. I have a fairly new bf, and I think his is words of affirmation, but I'm still learning. Do you think if two people don't understand each other's love language it can doom the relationship? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ann253 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 No, I think there have been successful relationships way before anyone ever heard of love languages. And I've had failed relationships even after I learned about love languages. I just think of it as a tool to help you better understand the person you're with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 The book, Five Languages of Love, is a must read for anyone in an LTR. I YouTubed it after hearing so much about it. Just makes sense that people understand and receive emotions differently. If you care about your SO this is another way to make them happy. Link to post Share on other sites
mariekatie Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 How do you define this "something"? Does it have to necessarily be like an object he buys from a store? Can it be dinner? Can it be a gesture? Girls can be confusing as hell. I would prefer "something" to be a gift as it is more "obvious"? I don't really know how to explain it. But love language is important, you need to learn their love language. Maybe to me, having a good dinner and nice gesture doesn't really mean anything to me. I'm not usually a gift person, i'm more of the words person. So i enjoy hearing sweet nothings from my guy, reassuring me of his love. I'm more clingy when we are apart as i rely on words. But when we are together, i wouldn't be that clingy. My guy's love language is making sacrifice and calling me (LDR) but sometimes i still feel neglected, mainly because i wanted words from him and i don't "see" his love language. Everyone is different, just need to learn to adapt But if it's too different, it wouldn't work out. My Ex love language is constantly needing physical contact but very bad with words. We split up because we quarrel every single day. I felt it all started because he can't give me what i wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtGator Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 My Ex love language is constantly needing physical contact but very bad with words. We split up because we quarrel every single day. I felt it all started because he can't give me what i wanted. What did you fight about and what couldn't he give you? Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 The 5 Love Languages is a great book. I never looked at a relationship this way until I read it, but it's true. My gf's love language is time and physical touch. She loves just cuddling on the couch watching a movie,or sleeping with my arms around her,taking naps together,holding hands,etc.,,. Going out of my way to stop and see her makes her feel loved. She likes gifts too,but it can be as simple as a card, for no reason. Definately recommend the book.You'll start picking up on your SO's love language right away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Do you think if two people don't understand each other's love language it can doom the relationship? I don't think its a definite "its doomed if you don't know" kinda thing... but I definitely think it can contribute. If communication is lacking, then this is a MUST.... I noticed I brought this up to my Ex when I could sense things were off. Perhaps we just weren't on the same page, what else can we both do better, kinda thing. I think its definitely beneficial, but if there is good communication between the couple, then not as beneficial than those without it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtGator Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 The reason why I bring this up, as I alluded to in the original post, is that my exgf broke up with me for nothing other than her feelings changing. And I have been desperately trying to find answers as to what the issue could have been. Could it be that I didn't show her enough love? Maybe I did but not the right type? I felt like I did everything I possibly could have done to make her happy yet she focused on the small things to complain about. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 The reason why I bring this up, as I alluded to in the original post, is that my exgf broke up with me for nothing other than her feelings changing. And I have been desperately trying to find answers as to what the issue could have been. Could it be that I didn't show her enough love? Maybe I did but not the right type? I felt like I did everything I possibly could have done to make her happy yet she focused on the small things to complain about. I wouldn't go looking for a concrete answer. Sure, it's possible that she didn't feel connected to you, because you were speaking a different love language. It could also have been something completely unrelated. Sometimes people's feelings just change. Some times it's about you, sometimes it's about them. In the end, the result is still the same. It just didn't work out. Don't beat yourself up about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtGator Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 I wouldn't go looking for a concrete answer. Sure, it's possible that she didn't feel connected to you, because you were speaking a different love language. It could also have been something completely unrelated. Sometimes people's feelings just change. Some times it's about you, sometimes it's about them. In the end, the result is still the same. It just didn't work out. Don't beat yourself up about it. I can't help trying to analyze it so much. Everything she has been saying to me for two years indicated we were on a path to marriage. I don't understand how feelings can just change. If she's talking about the butterfly feelings then yeah I understand. But everyone loses that butterfly feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 before i started dating my ex i knew him from the inside out...and he knew me.....we were friends so guessing the love language wasnt hard.....he would appreciate it when i made special things for him....when he came home there would be his favourite slice waiting or a special dinner...he loved my lasagne..he appreciated when i did things for him rather than gifts.....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 (edited) I can't help trying to analyze it so much. Everything she has been saying to me for two years indicated we were on a path to marriage. I don't understand how feelings can just change. If she's talking about the butterfly feelings then yeah I understand. But everyone loses that butterfly feelings. It can be hard to let go man. I understand, really. But feelings, by their nature, are irrational. You can't analyze them, because they aren't required to "make sense". Feelings can and do change. I know that can be frustrating, but that's just the way of things. In the end, until we figure out at way to read each others minds, there aren't going to be crystal clear answers. I'm sorry. Edited December 17, 2014 by neowulf Link to post Share on other sites
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