Why is he being stupid?

[Jilly10340]

So I'm talking to my bf last night on the phone. When we got back together about a month ago we decided that we weren't going to tell out family just yet because we didn't know how things would work out and we knew that they would be upset about it, etc. I told my family anyway because I'm close to my family and I don't keep important things from them. Anyway....

 

So I'm talking to my bf last night on the phone. Earlier this week he mentions that he was thinking about telling his mom about us when he sees her on Monday. I'm like, "Okay." When I talk to him before he sees his mom on Monday I ask him if he's going to tell her. He says that it depends on what kind of mood she's in. When I talk to him afterwards I ask him if he told her and he said no because she was with her friends. That's fine. So last night he mentions that he's seeing his mom again today. I ask him if he's going to tell her and he said it depends on what kind of mood she's in. That's fine.

 

Then we get into a discussion about why he won't just tell her and he says that it's just not a good time right now. So I question him about why it's not a good time and he says that it's just not. That's the only explanation that I get and he says he doesn't know why it's not a good time it just isn't. So I go on to question why it seems to him like later will be a good time but now it's not. I do this to try to understand his point of view about why he doesn't want to tell her now but he starts to get all sh*tty anyway. He starts saying that I'm trying to push him or force him to tell his parents when that's not what I was trying to do at all. I was just trying to understand where he was coming from but he just doesn't see that.

 

So we start arguing and I hang up on him (not good.) I calm down and call him back and tell him that this isn't a big deal and I say that I was just trying to understand and he responds by saying that he's done talking for the night. So now everytime I say something he just sits there on the phone. So I say that were supposed to talk about these things and work them out, communication, you know? No response from him. I say would you please not just ignore me, I have feelings too? No response from him. After some more of this and me saying that I don't want to fight about it he says he's getting off the phone for the night because he doesn't want to talk. So I say bye!

 

Now, he's probably going to call me later today and I don't know if I want to talk to him. I don't have to put up with this crap from him. I don't think I did anything wrong really. I don't want to break up with him but I also don't want to just let him off the hook.

 

If I just don't answer his phone calls for the rest of today do you think that will just make things worse? Should I demand an apology (because he made me feel bad and made it seem like I did something wrong.) Should I just let this whole thing go with no more thought about it because it's stupid? Did I overreact or does this seem to be a reason to be upset (not about him not telling his parents because I don't really care but about his reaction when i tried to discuss with him?)

 

I just want to know what everyone else thinks about this and what I should do. Thanks

[yes]

Hmm, I dunna who's being stupid here, sorry. If I were him, I'd feel pressured and get mad, too, i think. He just doesn't feel like telling his mother right now - leave the guy alone and wait to see what happens. Don't even ask him about it anymore - let him tell you once he tells her.

 

When he calls, if i were you, i'd just be normal - let the whole argument from last night slide.

 

my 2c,

-yes

[Jilly10340]

Thanks yes. That's why I asked, I don't know if i'm the stupid one or if he is.

 

The thing is that I TRIED over and over again to explain to him that I was only trying to understand why he wouldn't tell his mom and that I wasn't trying to pressure him into telling her and I just wanted to know why. I just wanted to discuss it with him and he just freaked out.

 

The whole conversation last night started because I asked him if he didn't want to tell his parents because he was ashamed of me for some reason and thought it was wrong that we were back together. So I wanted to understand his reasons for not telling them so I wouldn't feel this way anymore.

[Jilly10340]

Okay, so he hasn't called yet, which he usually does by now. Since he's the one that got off the phone with me last night and didn't want to talk, should I let him call me or should I call him later.

 

Any advice at all?

[Barby]

I would say "let him call you" you don't want to seem pushy or controlling. He told you it wasn't a "good time" to bring this info about you two to his parents and though you were trying to understand where he was coming from or find out what was going on, maybe he felt it's something private his parents are dealing with that he didn't feel right about telling you; all you can do is respect his choice not to tell them right now.

 

If you two are having arguments now over communication issues, plus have broken up already before, do you really think this relationship has a chance of surviving? Maybe he knows his parents were right about things since you two argue over small things such as this and it blows up into something larger.....(Gawd I know that sounds mean and it's not meant to sound that way I just don't know how to word it any "easier")

 

Again I say allow him to call you...I'm sorry you're dealing with this and sorry that you have to sit and wait for his call, but you know they always say an ex is an ex for a reason (But this doesn't always mean they can't change or have to remain exes). Good luck and keep us posted on what happens.

[yes]

Trying to understand so hard = pressure, whether or not you call it that. It's like saying 'i'm not trying to hurt your foot, i'm stepping on it just to see when it'll crack'.

 

I say let him call you... but be nice when he does.

 

-yes

[tattoomytoe]

he will not tell his mom that you two have been having problems? is that Right?

 

Initially mad...i mean.....and then he started ignoring you?

[Jilly10340]

Barby - That's what it came across to me as too. I kind of thought that maybe he agreed with his parents that we shouldn't be together and that's why he wasn't telling them. That's why I wanted to understand why he wouldn't tell him because if that was the reason then he really shouldn't be with me. He finally elaborated and said that it isn't like he doesn't think that things will work out because he knows they will it's just that he thinks it'll sound better if he says, "Oh, and me and jill have been going out for a couple months now (rather then a couple weeks)" He says that it kind of proves to them that the relationship is going to work and that it is stable.

 

This cleared things up a lot but by the time he said that he was already to angry to talk about it anymore and that's when the conversation ended. Trust me, I've mulled over the whole "an ex is an ex for a reason." But the hearts wants what it wants, and both our hearts want each other. I'm 22 and he's the first person I've ever loved. He's 27 and I'm the first person he's ever loved. We always seem to find our way back to each other. I just don't know how to improve our communication and stop things from becoming a big deal.

 

And don't worry about sounding mean, I like brutal honesty!

[Jilly10340]

tattoo - No, I'm not mad that he won't tell his mom.

 

I'm mad because I tried to discuss the issue with him and try to understand where he's coming from and he got all crappy with me. He started accusing me of pressuring him and that's completely not what I was trying to do. And then he just completely shut me out and wouldn't talk to me anymore.

[Stone]

Don't sweat the small stuff dear, alot of men arn't as open with their relationships to their mothers as we are

[tattoomytoe]

ok...mad cause he is ignoring you. But it started 'cause he wasn't doing something-telling his mother- that he said he would.

 

First...it is wonderful that you are so close with your family that you tell them everything...personally i do not and prob. will never tell my parents my relationship problems...i tell my sister though. I do not know why exactly you wanted him to relay the same to his family that you two are having problems, but he doesn't sound like he wants to.

 

and now he is being super immature by not talking with you while you are on the phone with him. That is just soooo lame! my bf does the samething when he gets mad, he will ignore me. but OMG- do the same thing to him, he goes ballistic!

 

sorry if i missed this post- but why are you two separating? and then wht are you two still talking?

[Jilly10340]

tattoo - I'm sorry, I think you misunderstood. I don't want him to tell his family that we're having problems. That's not it at all. We broke up over the summer, a bad break up actually.

 

We got back together about a month ago. Originally we both agreed that we wouldn't tell our families for awhile (because they wouldn't approve because they don't want us to get hurt again.) Well, I told my mom anyway because I thought I may as well get it over with and spill it.

 

So now refer to my first post in this thread about the rest of the story.

 

And I was never mad that he wasn't telling his mom - I was mad because he started being a butt when I tried to talk to him about it.

[tattoomytoe]

nevermind!

[EC]

After a serious break up like that I'm sure you went to your parents talking all this smack about him "saying Its over for good never again" and he probably did the same out of anger and rage....

and so Its hard to go back and tell your parents

"Hey I was kidding so and so is not really that big of an a**h*** and we are back together and in love"

 

I mean its hard. I think he is just waiting for the perfect time to tell his parents. I agree that saying you've been together for a couple months proves more than saying you've been back together for a couple weeks. How did your parents respond to the news?

 

I think you should wait for him to call you back. As for the communication issues..thats a problem.

Couples need to listen to eachother and try to understand eachother and if he's just going to sit there like a 5 year old and pretend your not talking then what kind of a relationship is that? After you get over this whole parent thing I think you guys need to sit down and talk. You need to tell him that in order for this to work out a second time around communication is extremely important. Tell him you don't like him staying quiet and that it needs to change.

 

I think you should wait for him to call you and act really calm and cool and I don't think you should bring up the previous night or the parent thing again to him. He probably did feel pressured and then all the questions probably drove him insane. Let it slide and wait for him to feel its the right time to tell his parents.

[Jilly10340]

Thanks EC!

 

Well, needless to say my parents didn't take it well. My mom isn't the kind of person to yell and tell someone how stupid they are so it wasn't like that but she wasn't happy. I basically told her that I'm an adult and I take care of my own stuff so it's my decision who I want to date. If it's a mistake then it's my mistake to make and if I want to beat this relationship until it's dead then that's what I'm going to do. She understood and said that we'll just have to agree to disagree. My mom's so cool.....

 

Maybe when we start to argue we should just take some time to cool off before trying to talk? Do you think that would work?

 

Update - the bf just signed on to aim and immediately signed off. Guess he doesn't want to talk.....

[EC]

no prob....

 

Just wait for him...heprobably thinks your all steaming mad and he's dealing with things as it is so he probably just doesn't want to deal right now.

 

It depends about the fighting some couple have huge tempers and do need to just both cool off, think things through and then talk and work things out. It works because they don't say things they can't take back and actually think things through completely. On the other hand some couples need to work it out right away before the lack of communication just causes confusion and more anxiety and makes everything 10x worse in the end.

 

I think you should just worry about the fact that you are together and thats all that matters. Who cares if his parents know? Is it going to make a difference in how you guys feel about eachother? I think just let him come to you and let him bring it up and you could even offer an " I'm sorry for questioning you, I understand, and you can tell them when you are ready all that matters is that you are back in my life. "

I bet he won't see that comming?

 

As for the fighting thats something you need to talk to him about but definitely not now. You are going through other things. But after sometime I think you should talk about your arguments and analyze them and ask eachother questions. The more you keep hidden the more confusion comes in and miscommunication. I think after talking about it you can both come to an agreement on how to handle your arguments.

 

For ex: My bf didn't like then when I got mad at people or him I would just storm off while he was talking to me and not return for a while.

To me that was my way of cooling down and thinking things through. I thought everyone knew that.

I was wrong.

To him he thought I just didnt care what he had to say, that I thought I was always right and I wold storm off to ignore him.

 

After talking things through now we understand eachother better and can fix and even avoid mini arguments.

[Jilly10340]

It bothers me that he immediately signed off aim when he saw that I was on. I mean, he just downloaded aim a few days ago so that we could talk when we're not together. I'm the only person on his buddy list. Could he really be that mad that he wants to avoid even the slight chance that I would send him a message if he was on. Why would he sign on anyway just to sign off. Just to see if I was on?

 

What if he never calls me. I don't think he would ever do that but this whole thing happened last night around 10:00. He's had all night and all day to cool off but he obviously hasn't. It worries me. maybe I'm just being paranoid.

 

But thanks for the great advice EC. It's really helping a lot.

[Confused28]

HI Jilly,

 

I've been through this before...... I think it is best to be understanding and patient. That is my rule when it comes to relationships.

 

When you "demand" something from someone... what is the normal reaction?? to not do it! no one wants to be told what to do! so, being understanding and patient and level minded is very useful.

 

think about how you feel when someone tells you to do something? usually, people get defensive and mad and do the opposite. i think it would be great to talk to him, tell him how you feel and tell him you will be patient and understanding!

 

Also, off the topic.... where do we go to get our signature and pictures for our screen name? I want to do that to show my personality!

 

Confused28 :-)