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Need to know if this is normal...


Defcon

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Ive been in a 1+ year relation ship with someone ive been fully commited to. But I have developed feelings for her friend, and we flirt alot together.... She knows that I like her, and she knows that she likes me... Recently I told her about my feelings for her friend... She told me that she knew (funny how that works) that she likes me too. Well long story but we came to this conclusion that we would break it off for a while for me to go with her friend for a while so I can get over these 'feelings' im having...

 

Its really complicated but I put it in the simplist terms I could think of...

I guess what I want is someone to tell me if this is normal and what I should do... Im really confuzed right now... :(

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Dang!

 

While it's normal to develop feelings for someone else... I cannot think of one single girlfriend of mine who when given this 411 by thier boyfriend that he was interested in one of her friends that she would be like... "Yeah, she likes you too.. now you two crazy kids hook up and see how it goes"

 

:eek:

 

W :confused:W!

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Oh dearie me. This is an interesting story.

 

When you say that you put this in the simplest terms, I'm assuming if elaborated, this story would have lots of intricate details.

 

Your girlfriend is very 'generous' to let you 'get together' with HER FRIEND while she backs off 'for a while'

 

I can't imagine myself in the shoes of any of the three of you involved. Ack! :p

 

What's the case here? Trying on the shoe to see if it fits, and if it doesn't, you try on some other pairs of shoes till you find one you are comfortable with? I really don't agree that any relationship should go that path.

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Well no... I have all the intentions to get back with her whenever I feel like I can stay with her and not be cheating on her... Ive never been to keep a relationship for more than like 3 weeks cause I will start to feel lonly with that person... Then I met her... 1 year is a lot for me, and I guess I need to get this out of the way if only for a week or 2.

 

I just dont know what to do. I dont want to hurt eaither of them and the 2nd girl has no idea whats going on and the 1st one keeps promising me that it wont bother her but she likes to shelter her feelings alot...

 

The reason all this happend is the time that my girl 'cheated' on me she thought she liked this guy, and so she kept it from me and I had to find it out myself, then when confronted she lied to me... But she finally told me, after the 5th talk about it... Im afraid I was going to have the same problem and if I didnt tell her then I would haft to put her through what she did me...

 

I just dont know what to do.. I need some advice...

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well if your girlfriend cheated on you I wouldn't call this relationship "commited".

 

Obviously she is not happy with the relationship. Nobody says "ok, if you like my friend...go for it."

 

She probably wants to get out of the relationship.

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All I can say is.....DANGER DANGER. This has disaster written all over it.

 

Mistress LaShawn's prediction: You will get together with the "friend", you will want the girlfriend back. Girlfriend will not want you back cause there is NO commitment here (sorry, but no girl in her right mind would give you permission). You will be left out cold.

 

If you really love your girlfriend then you will be faithful, EVEN if having feelings for someone else. Everyone gets a wandering eye now and again (well not everyone, but most). It is how you react to it that is important. The girlfriend is either looking for a way to sabotage the relationship and set you up...OR she is nuts.

 

Just my opinion.

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bluechocolate

Let me see if I got this:

 

She treated on you & lied about it but then eventually admitted it?

 

Because she cheated you & lied you think it is OK to be upfront about your desire to go out with her friend?

 

Ostensibly because a year is a long time for you & you need a week or two to get this out of your system, but your real intention is to end up back with your girlfriend whenever you feel that you don't want to cheat on her even though you say you don't want to hurt this 2nd girl who, by your own admission, has no idea what is going on?

 

And your girlfriend is OK with this?

 

And you have to ask if this is normal? :confused:

 

------------------------

 

I just dont know what to do.. I need some advice...

 

Why you DON'T do is go fooling other with your girlfriends mates until such time as you feel you can fool around no more & then go back.

 

End it for good & see if the friend is still interested.

 

But my gut tells me that you are being set up.

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I think that it was good that you were open with her about your interest in her friend before going behind her back and "hooking up w/ the friend"

 

BUT her friend isn't much of a friend if she would go there and try and hook up w/ her friend's man.....

 

 

You two are probably better off seperate if she cheated and now you feel the need to "hook up" with someone else....you're probably both not really wanting to continue this commited relationship...taking a break (or breaking up for good) is probably the best thing for both of you...

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No I think you people have it all wrong...

 

Here it is:

 

Ive had a relationship with this girl for 1+ years. I recently got some strong feelings for her friend, prolly from the constant flirting that goes on (btw alot of girls flirt with me so we see this as normal). Well, the time my girl cheated on me it was about 1 month into the relationship. Me being the way I am, lost almost all trust for her... But I built it back up, tho I do have some trust issues... Ive had these feelings for a while and I didnt want to hurt her the way she hurt me, so I brought them to her attention. But she already knew this, also she knew that her friend really liked me... I think she feels like it is only fair for me to take a break for a while, since ive never been able to keep a relationship for more than 3-4 weeks without feeling lonly with the same girl... Also I think her decision is also based on how she went behind my back that one time... I know that if I never would have brought it to her attention I would end up cheating on this girl that I love... She said that I could go with her friend for a while because she wants this to be out of my 'system', that she will be there for me whenever I feel like I can go back with her and it all be normal again.

 

I know this may sound weird to most people, but we have a really really open relationship since she cheated on me.

 

The topic was more based on getting attention, what I really need is advice on what I should do... I dont want to go with her friend cause it would hurt her, but I do want to go with her friend cause, of my damn feelings...

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I don't care if she cheated on you or not. Doesn't make you "taking a break" the right thing to do. So what if you have never had a long relationship before? Welcome to growing up. In my opinion, this relationship is doomed regardless. So what if you have feelings, if you love her...control yourself. Even if she says it is OK...I would be almost positive that she will resent you for it. We all have to do the right thing despite wanting to do the wrong thing sometimes. Be an adult........unless of course, maybe you are not yet an adult. *shrug* Just sounds like selfish issue. Wanting your cake and wanting to eat it too. hmmm....

 

As for you saying that WE have it all wrong.....so we have it wrong cause you are not getting the answer you wanted? :confused:

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No I think you have it all wrong because I dont think you are understanding it.

 

Yes I know it is selfish.. I told her this and she said she didnt care it was... I just want to know what to do, no ive never been in a long relationship. Also nowhere in my post I said it was ok for me to "take a break" because she cheated on me.

 

Be an adult

 

I hope 'being an adult' dosen't mean responding to a post to someone who needs help with the hostility that you did.

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Originally posted by Defcon

I know that if I never would have brought it to her attention I would end up cheating on this girl that I love...

 

 

If you truely love her you wouldn't cheat or even think about it.

 

Your in love with yourself and you love the fact that alot of girls flirt with you and are willing to have sex with you.

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I think what your trying to say is that....

 

Your gf that you have now looooves you so much that she wants you to get everything out of your system to see if its her you really want to be with...because she cheated and realized she really wanted to be with you...and you have never been in a long relationship and having these felings fro your gf's friend has messed you up and now your not so sure about your feelings for you gf? right?

 

Either way it's f*cked up.

 

I think A- It is a set up..your girl is testing you..and if you decide to date her friend it's over.

B- Your gf thinks she is ok with it now but after the fact she will not take you back. It will be too weird and what if you have sex with her friend? You think your gf is going to spread her legs and be like how was my friend? C'mon back here?

C- Your gf cheated once and now she wants out now but didn't have an excuse to break up so then this came up and she's using it to get rid of you...

D-

The relationship is ruined now anyways just because of the fact that you admitted having feelings for her friend.

So now even if you don't date her friend everytime that friend is around its going to be akward and trust seems to have been an issue with you guys and now it will be worse.

 

Goodluck in whatever you decide.

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Your in love with yourself and you love the fact that alot of girls flirt with you and are willing to have sex with you.

No, im not. I believe why I stand out with the girls where I live is because I just moved to a small town within the last year or so and I didnt try to fit in with the 'lifestyle' that goes on here and I dont care what people think about me.

 

So what are you saying? I should just end it right there because you think that cause I have a wondering mind that I dont love her? That may be a logical thing to say, and it may be true with some people.

 

If I didnt love her, I wouldnt be here anymore, she is the only reason I lived.

 

 

 

---added---

I have no intentions of screwing her friend. So it isnt like im going to have a sexual relationship with her... This is a really complicated situation. No I know my feelings for my g/f... I dont have any intentions of just leaving her eaither, and she has no intentions of leaving me. She wouldent lie to me about that.

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bluechocolate

I have no intentions of screwing her friend. So it isnt like im going to have a sexual relationship with her... This is a really complicated situation. No I know my feelings for my g/f... I dont have any intentions of just leaving her eaither, and she has no intentions of leaving me. She wouldent lie to me about that.

 

So exactly what is the problem then?

 

The situation is only as complicated as you make it - or like it to be.

 

I know that if I never would have brought it to her attention I would end up cheating on this girl that I love...

 

Oh please - "I love you so much that I have to talk about how I'm having feelings for someone else so that I don't go cheating on you." Your girlfriend is not your moral compass.

 

I should just end it right there because you think that cause I have a wondering mind that I dont love her? That may be a logical thing to say, and it may be true with some people.

 

Have you ever wondered what the real reasons are that you have never before now had a relationship for longer than 3 weeks?

 

Anyway - what does it matter? Take a break - satisfy your curiosity - then go back to your girlfriend & live happily ever after.

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Have you ever wondered what the real reasons are that you have never before now had a relationship for longer than 3 weeks?

 

lol... The girls im alwase with never can keep me.

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Ok I know that sounded bad...

 

What I ment was I never keep a girl cause most of the time its usually for sex... Ive had a plentiful sex life and it isnt a big deal anymore... Im not looking for sex, im looking for someone who will be with me. Im not saying that I dont have sex in my relationships, I just leave it upto the time and the moment. Sometime things just happen. I found the person, but im afraid of messing it up.

 

 

Anyway, I didnt come here for hostility and to get flamed, I came here because I thought I could get help from people who have maybe been through this before. I guess im the only one. This is more than likly my last post here.

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I didnt read anything hostile. It does seem very selfish of you to be doing this. I think your girlfreind is getting ready to move on, and hence forth why she doesnt "care". And even if she does take you back, her freindship will be ruined with her freind if not be extremely strained, and as well will your relationship with her again.

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I couldent help but replying.

 

It does seem very selfish of you to be doing this.

 

I dont remember saying that I was going to go with her friend. I came here to ask what I should do, if I should or shouldent. I do but I dont and I cant figure out what to do. She wants me to so I can get this out of my 'system'.

 

She dosent want to leave, she even told me herself there is noone here that she wants but me. Not only me, but other people.

 

 

I didnt read anything hostile.

No, more like a semi-hostile, stuff to get under your skin. If you dont see it still, maybe its because it isnt directed twords you.

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bluechocolate
I dont remember saying that I was going to go with her friend.

 

------------------------------------

Well long story but we came to this conclusion that we would break it off for a while for me to go with her friend for a while so I can get over these 'feelings' im having...

 

That was in your first post on this thread. Therefore everyone made a very logical assumption based on your words.

 

Another very logical assumption is that when a guy says he wants go with a girl other than his girlfriend sooner or later him & that other girl are going to have sex.

 

in your second post on this thread:

 

I have all the intentions to get back with her whenever I feel like I can stay with her and not be cheating on her...

 

your third post:

 

I dont want to go with her friend cause it would hurt her, but I do want to go with her friend cause, of my damn feelings...

 

and then in your fourth post you say:

 

No I think you have it all wrong because I dont think you are understanding it.

 

Huh??

 

Everyone in their initial replies, including myself, said that you either end it with your girlfriend or stay with her & not see her friend.

 

Then you go on to say not everyone .............

 

oh forget it

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Yea... Ive been very confuzed... Im sorry for the confuzion... Im just going to forget about her friend and tell my g/f not to let me flirt with her and help me forget about her.

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In theory, that seems like the better idea. IM just afraid that becuase you have felt before that you seemed to need to act on these feelings, tht you will again, and be in the same predicament all over again. That you say you want to forget about her freind, that is great. And I hope it works for you.

 

One thing you will learn in relationships(If I do correctly recall you saying this was your first?), is that you ARE going to find other people that make you feel tingly again, like you did when you first started dating that othe rperson. And that is normal. But when it comes to the point that youre thinking of acting on that, then you know something, somewhere, is not right. Even to breifly think '"What if...?", I believe, is a pretty common thing.

 

In my over two year relationship that I am curently in, I have had a couple of different crushes. But I never thought of acting on them. So I think what you need to do, and it seems you are, is ask yourself, if this is just a "crush", or if you think that it might be something more.

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Yea, its just another 'crush'... Thanks for the post. It really helped... But I figured out somthing. I had a long talk between me and my girl and she informed me the reason she supported it is because it turns her on to see me with other girls ;) . As long as it has no 'feelings' involved.

But im still going to go with my decision to not let it happen with her friend. See now all I need is someone who is in my position with a girl or guy that likes the same thing to try and head me in the right direction on what to do cause this confuzes me even more...

 

(If I do correctly recall you saying this was your first?)

Yes, first that has lasted for more than a month.

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Whoa.... hold your horses, this is kinky. There are people over in the cheating, flirting, jealousy forum with similar things, you can go there to find those like you!

 

Good luck

 

Tinkerbell

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