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Trying to work on myself before starting new relationship BUT...


confused_gf

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Hey everyone,

 

So last time I was seeing someone was about 8 months ago (I am a 24 year old female). We broke up and the relationship was really devastating to me. I'm mostly over it now, but at the time I felt like my whole world had fell apart.

 

I made a plan to work on myself for a at least a year, maybe two before getting out in the dating game for a few reasons:

 

1.) I have a bad habit of "falling into" relationships. Not really making a conscious decision, just getting involved with someone just because they seem to be a good match superficially.

2.) I have a lot of insecurities about myself, things I want to change, ways I want to be before I invite someone into my world.

3.) Things are kind of rocky and unstable in my life at this point. Health, financial, career, housing matters all need to be straightened out for me to feel secure.

4.) I've dated a lot of immature guys with no relationship experience who have been narcissistic/emotionally abusive. Would like to take some time to reflect on things and make sure I can date someone a bit older, more mature, who will give to me more than they take.

 

Problem?

I know that one of my exes wants me back for one thing. He was terrible to be with so I don't think I would go back down that road for anything. Another guy, who kind of reminds me of my Ex - seems to be interested in me. We have been talking a little bit, met online. We have things in common but I don't really get the sense that he would be much different from other guys I've been with.

 

Lastly, there is a guy who works across the street from my house. Whenever I'm around him I just feel really "at home" and "safe". He makes me feel so at ease and I know he likes me a lot (he gets nervous and flustered around me and tries to do everything to please me). He actually seems like he could be different from other guys I've been with and I'm very curious about him.

 

On one hand I don't want to let a romantic opportunity slide away...but apart of me feels like it would be pointless to try to start anything with so much going on in my life at this point.

 

Thoughts?

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Let the romantic opportunities slide away.

 

As long as you are fretting over them and dwelling on them, that is Red Flag enough to know you still aren't ready.

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Thanks - that is how I was feeling anyway, a new relationship just sounds so completely overwhelming. It's just hard when you have new prospects on the table - I'm a sucker for a cute guy...

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Frank2thepoint
1.) I have a bad habit of "falling into" relationships. Not really making a conscious decision, just getting involved with someone just because they seem to be a good match superficially.

 

What are some examples of superficially a good match? Is it just physical looks? Materials (such as successful job, nice clothing, etc.)? Identifying these will help you look beyond the superficial, and choose someone that has depth and authenticity.

 

 

4.) I've dated a lot of immature guys with no relationship experience who have been narcissistic/emotionally abusive. Would like to take some time to reflect on things and make sure I can date someone a bit older, more mature, who will give to me more than they take.

 

Older men are no guarantee of maturity. There are plenty of stories on LS to prove that. But generally speaking yes older men are more experienced with relationships, for better or for worse. Some older men use that experience for good, some use it for bad.

 

 

You've accepted that you need to work on yourself, which is very good. Think over what is important to you in a relationship and about a man, that is not superficial. Do you want affection? Kindness? Communication? Humor? Intelligence (and to what degree)? And so on. Establish your boundaries, things that you do not like, and exert those boundaries by not falling for a guy that breeches them.

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It feels overwhelming to have to fix "everything" at the same time.

 

 

One technique I learned was fix the little fixable things 1st then work on the big stuff. It works like this:

 

 

Sit down & make a list of everything that is wrong in your life, the big stuff & the little stuff but focus on some of the little stuff: that button that was never sewn back on your favorite blouse; you need a new watch battery; you need to clean out your e-mail or run anti-virus software on your computer. Just free think about all the garbage.

 

 

Don't worry your list should come out long. Mine are often over 100 items.

 

 

When you are done writing, take a few minutes & clear your mind. Walk around the block. Get a drink of water. Do anything relaxing for 15-30 minutes.

 

 

Now go back & re-read your list. Add anything additional you think of & re-read one more time. Now take a deep breath & start fixing any little things you can like sewing on the button, cleaning cat liter box, running the anti-virus program etc. Cross things off your list as you complete them. Keep working until you run out of steam.

 

 

Pick the list up every day for a week & chip away at the issues. Then put the list away for a week. When you pull it back out you will be shocked at how many other things have gotten solved.

 

 

Put it away again for another week. Again cross off stuff that got addressed. Now sit down & look at the "big stuff" for you health, finances, career, housing etc. Looking at all the stuff you have accomplished in the past 3 weeks since you started your list, think about the concrete steps you can take to improve the big stuff. Perhaps getting a cookbook & learning to make meals yourself will cost you less & improve your health. You can bank the savings. After a while you should have enough to find new housing. See how that snowballs for good?

 

 

While you are getting that stuff under control, the romance will take care of itself.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Thought I would update...so, was relaxing enjoying some "me" time when an old friend asked if we could get together. These are old guy friends of mine, one very old friend from high school who I hooked up with a couple of years ago (it was not a memorable experience for me and I never wanted to hook up with him again after), another guy, and a third guy who I went to a concert with once, lets call him Steve. Well turns out I'm pretty attracted to Steve, but we never hooked up. He is a combination of good-looking and brainy. Somewhat of a bad boy type.

 

I've known these guys to be kind of wild, in the music industry, out at parties all the time. But Steve seems to have his head on a little bit straighter and I've spent some time at his families house and can see he comes from a loving, stable home - which might have something to do with that.

 

We were all having a great time catching up and sipping a bottle of wine, when the conversations split off between the other two guys and me and Steve.

 

He said something really sweet about enjoying his time with me and put his head on my shoulder.

 

ANNNnddd we started kissing, intensely. His friends left the room and by the time they came back we were both in our birthday suits cuddling and kissing. This all happened in the blink of an eye and was not exactly something I was ready for.

 

His friends wanted to leave and since he is the one with the car, he said he had to go. He told me he didn't want to leave me alone. When I got up (somewhat miffed that he was leaving) I grabbed a towel and headed to the bathroom to take a shower. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back in the room and kissed me for a good minute or two before leaving.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't have his phone number, I wasn't supposed to be into anyone, and his jacket is here. I think he left it here on purpose. He seems very anal about everything and it was left folded in the corner of my room.

 

What do I do? Why does this keep happening? Also, I really like him and my emotions are all screwy and this happened almost a week ago.

Edited by confused_gf
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genuinelyloverly7

I experience that things keep coming up in your life in different ways, until you address them. For example, I am a procrastinator. The last two men I have met have said they are procrastinators too (and it is hard enough to motivate one person, let alone two). Now, that is a very blatant, and generalized example of how I think this sort of 'life reminding you of your lessons' sort of thing works. But to continue the example, if I want someone who isn't a procrastinator, I need to address that in myself first. If your intent is real to work on it and completely deal with that issue, then by all means don't let it hold you back from romance while you are working on it. But I find that for myself, having a romantic partner isn't what it could be when I am still busy working on my own issues. But I have never had a completely supportive partner, so maybe that makes a difference. I came close, and it was wonderful while it lasted. But I wasn't ready, and he wasn't either (though he wouldn't admit it).

Aaaand… I know that life is a process, so one will always be working on their issues- that IS life! But there are certain reasonable measures that need to be met before you can say you are ready for a lover and co-parenting partner.

 

 

PS- naked is fun! but be safe. Were you doing it for completely sexual self interest? Please realize that the only time you can feel love from another person is if you can recognize what it feels like by giving love to yourself. Do you love yourself?

 

As to his jacket; I don't think this guy is that subtle, if he is getting you naked while his friends run down to the corner store. That sounds like a reason to come over and get you naked again. And hey, make out with him again, if you want some nookie, but as to the emotional baggage for him, let him go, IMO.

 

All love OP! Good luck.

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