Strange behavior. Fiancee don't want to get married anymore

[richthecook]

A few years back, I proposed to my fiancee. She accepted right away. It was not conventional because we did not set any time. She did not want a big fancy wedding ceremony, only an intimate event with close family.

 

I've been with her for 7 years. We have our own house, two kids, a dog, cat, name it. We both have steady jobs, money is not a problem. Our relationship is healthy.

 

While we were engaged, I waited, waited and waited. For a few years. Why? I don't know. I think that it was bc was scared of marriage.

 

A few months back, I decided that the time was right. Bought a new ring and was planning on proposing again and planning when the marriage was going to happen. I was supposed to propose this weekend.

 

Yesterday, out of the blue, she told me that she doesn't want to get married with me anymore. I asked why? She said because she was tired of waiting - I waited too long and she doesn't see the point of getting married anymore.

 

I asked her when did she change her mind exactly? She replied 2, maybe 3 months ago.

 

I said okay, fine. if that's what you want... So if I was planning on proposing again, you would say no? She said You got it! I said okay.

 

She fell asleep on the couch with her computer at her feet. I was planning to go to sleep but first needed to check something on the internet. I used her computer because mines was already turned off. Her facebook was open. A chat window was open. Stumbled upon a conversation with this guy I don't know. Out of curiosity, I scrolled through the 1000 messages they sent to each other everyday since September, 3 months ago, when she added him! Couldn't resist reading the whole thing. So she knew this guy for real, last time she saw him was before we began dating. Guy's a self-centered prick. He's obviously hittin on her. Normally, when someone flirts with her, she don't seem to enjoy it. She normally ignores them or tell them to stop. What annoyed me is that she seemed to enjoy the attention she gets from him. He knows that we were engaged and that we have kids and a life together. Why he keeps trying? Also, why would she try to find someone she haven't see for years that was never a close friend? What was weird is that the conversation was marked as Archived so it didn't appear in her message list...

 

Checkout out her phone, surprise, they also text each other her when she's at work.

 

This morning I told her what I saw. She quickly got very upset and said that she will password protect everything to keep me from sneaking in her personal stuff.

 

So I connected the dots.

 

1- 3 months ago, she searched for him and began talking to him ->

2- They communicate to each other everyday. He hits on her, but she did not retaliate (AFAIK) ->

She decides that she don't want to get married with me anymore. ->

...

 

Did I connect the points properly? The next logical steps are easy to figure out.

 

I hate facebook. Seriously. What a home wrecker.

 

Should I call this loser to tell him to leave her alone?

[d0nnivain]

No you shouldn't call him but you do need to talk to her & find out how to put your relationship back on track.

 

After being engaged & waiting "forever" she may have concluded that it was never going to happen.

 

Now you have to find away to put the pieces back together.

 

While some people will call her chats "emotional cheating" in my book that is easier to get past then actual cheating.

 

I suggest you propose anyway . . . make it grand, memorable & romantic. She needs to be shown how much you really love her. After you get re-engaged, make some concrete plans but don't spend $$$ until you know the other guy is gone.

[PegNosePete]

He knows that we were engaged and that we have kids and a life together. Why he keeps trying?

Because he has nothing to lose.

 

Did I connect the points properly? The next logical steps are easy to figure out.

Yes I would say you connected them pretty well. She is acting inappropriately with another guy.

 

I hate facebook. Seriously. What a home wrecker.

Don't blame the tool. She is the one using it for inappropriate means. Facebook doesn't wreck homes, people wreck homes.

 

Should I call this loser to tell him to leave her alone?

No, don't speak to him or have any contact whatsoever. Tell your GF that you will not accept her acting inappropriately with other guys.

 

If she has cancelled the wedding then it's a pretty sure sign that she has checked out of the relationship. She also seems to be acting like a single person. Seems it's pretty much over at this point. Seems like you need a serious discussion about where your relationship is going.

 

I suggest you propose anyway . . . make it grand, memorable & romantic. She needs to be shown how much you really love her.

Trouble with that is, her response will be "you're only doing this because I said ..... "

[richthecook]

Trouble with that is, her response will be "you're only doing this because I said ..... "

 

That's exactly what I'm thinking.

 

Or she will think I propose only because I am jealous of whatever is going on with the other guy.

[d0nnivain]

Since you bought the new ring before you found out about this other guy, you have evidence that he's not the reason.

 

If you don't want to even try, you might as well pack up the house & start working on custody arrangements. You do have kids to think about here. Even if this was part of the impetus for you to try -- the proverbial kick in the pants -- if you & her can work together to rebuild a good relationship, won't your kids benefit from an intact family?

[richthecook]

We argued this morning when I asked her why she was secretly talking to this guy and she said that I took her for granted.

 

I'll wait a few more weeks to let the dust settle. Because right now, I don't feel like doing it because of her sudden interest in this guy.

 

If I didn't use her computer, I would never have noticed...

Now she locked everything. I will never be sure if it's going further.

[losangelena]

If I didn't use her computer, I would never have noticed...

 

Yes, but wouldn't you rather know??

[J21]

You can't propose to her until you trust her. I mean what good is starting a marriage on a iffy "maybe she'll cheat on me" attitude. Better to go your seperate ways than always looking over your shoulders or having thoughts throughout the marriage.

 

Sad to say, you should've married her within a reasonable time. I don't believe your reason "I waited, waited and waited. For a few years. Why? I don't know. I think that it was bc was scared of marriage."

 

Whatever the reason was, it seemed you weren't even sure yourself........ now the shoe is apparently on the other foot. Is it really worth it to marry someone when both people had that "wasn't sure" feeling about each other?

[PegNosePete]

Dude you need to have a serious discussion about your relationship and where it is going. NOW, not in a few weeks!

 

She has locked her computer because there are things on there that she doesn't want you to see. There is a lot more to this story than you know. She who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

You need to get your relationship back to one built on trust, honesty and love - or go your own separate ways.

[Toodaloo]

Dude you need to have a serious discussion about your relationship and where it is going. NOW, not in a few weeks!

 

She has locked her computer because there are things on there that she doesn't want you to see. There is a lot more to this story than you know. She who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

You need to get your relationship back to one built on trust, honesty and love - or go your own separate ways.

 

You need to read this advice and take note.

 

Leaving it all that time to get married is just being lethargic... What that says is I like you but I am not all that bothered...

 

You need to get back on the right tracks again.

[d0nnivain]

We argued this morning when I asked her why she was secretly talking to this guy and she said that I took her for granted.

 

I'll wait a few more weeks to let the dust settle. Because right now, I don't feel like doing it because of her sudden interest in this guy.

 

If I didn't use her computer, I would never have noticed...

Now she locked everything. I will never be sure if it's going further.

 

You don't have to pop the Q now but you do have to talk now not in a few weeks. The longer you wait the more the delay reinforces in her mind the idea that you don't care & are taking her for granted. She got in in her head that you didn't want marry her because you never took any action toward making a marriage happen after you proposed. Further delay on your part, even about talking & addressing the issues tells her that she was right to assume you no longer care.

 

Time is not on your side here. You have to talk to her now. You can wait until the dust settles before re-proposing but you can't wait to talk or the only thing left to talk about will be who gets the kids when.