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Guy Acts Distant After Saying He Wants a Relationship


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Old 4th November 2014, 2:36 AM   #1
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Guy Acts Distant After Saying He Wants a Relationship

I've been casually dating this guy for the past 3-4 months.
About a month and half into dating him, we have a serious talk about the nature of our relationship. He made it pretty clear he wanted to eventually be in a serious relationship. I told him, at the time, I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship. I am still getting to know him, and I need more time before I make that decision. He told me it puts him in an awkward position because he wants a relationship now. I told him if he wants to date other girls he can. But according to him, he can't date multiple girls, and FWB situations make him uncomfortable. But in the end, we agreed to continue to date casually and re-visit this topic in a few months.

Well... since that talk, he's become completely distant when we're not together. He no longer initiates text convos. He won't answer some of my texts. He no longer invites me over to his home just to hang out. We only meet if we have planned dates like an event or concert to go to. He doesn't invite me friend's bdays and parties, something he used to do. I'm am strictly his weeknight girl now. He never has time for me on weekends. Also, we've pretty much stop having sex because we're always at planned events. He drops me off at my front door at a reasonable hour like I'm in high school again.

But when we're together, he acts like a little schoolboy in love. I can see his face light up, and a grin stays plastered on his face when he's with me. He treats me like a princess. We get along great! This is the part that confuses me so much. The way he is when we are together and the way he is when we are apart are telling me two separate things.

I really like this dude (which is why I let it drag on for a couple of months *sigh*). But I feel like I'm going all the chasing. And if he really like me, he would be the one hitting me up, right?
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Old 4th November 2014, 3:07 AM   #2
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For some reason this story doesnt seem right.
It seem that there is another twist to this
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Old 4th November 2014, 4:36 AM   #3
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Moral of the story - be careful what you wish for.

You aren't being treated like a girlfriend anymore because you told him you don't want to be one. By restricting his actions and time spent together he is protecting himself from seeing you as a girlfriend and falling too hard for you.

You don't get to eat your cake and have it too - if you want him to act the way he did, tell him you want a relationship and everything will go back to the way it was. until that point, you get no more than casual dating and you don't get to be taken seriously, because you arent giving enough back.

Contrary to popular belief, men don't just pursue what they like without giving a damn how you feel or what you want. Many of us will cool off if we don't feel wanted/desired/needed. And the guys who do this are the ones you want, because it shows they have empathy, they care what you think and aren't simply out to feed their own ego and needs.
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Old 4th November 2014, 5:33 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by nightdreamer View Post
And if he really like me, he would be the one hitting me up, right?
Wrong. You are lucky he hasn't dumped you yet, he is probably considering it, he might move on when he meets a woman who wants a relationship.

What did you think was going to happen?
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Old 4th November 2014, 7:48 AM   #5
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I agree, he's giving you what you asked for. Or , at least his perception of that.

If you really care for him, talk to him. It sure sounds like he really likes you.
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Old 4th November 2014, 8:59 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by nightdreamer View Post
I've been casually dating this guy for the past 3-4 months.
About a month and half into dating him, we have a serious talk about the nature of our relationship. He made it pretty clear he wanted to eventually be in a serious relationship. I told him, at the time, I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship. I am still getting to know him, and I need more time before I make that decision. He told me it puts him in an awkward position because he wants a relationship now. I told him if he wants to date other girls he can. But according to him, he can't date multiple girls, and FWB situations make him uncomfortable. But in the end, we agreed to continue to date casually and re-visit this topic in a few months.

Well... since that talk, he's become completely distant when we're not together. He no longer initiates text convos. He won't answer some of my texts. He no longer invites me over to his home just to hang out. We only meet if we have planned dates like an event or concert to go to. He doesn't invite me friend's bdays and parties, something he used to do. I'm am strictly his weeknight girl now. He never has time for me on weekends. Also, we've pretty much stop having sex because we're always at planned events. He drops me off at my front door at a reasonable hour like I'm in high school again.

But when we're together, he acts like a little schoolboy in love. I can see his face light up, and a grin stays plastered on his face when he's with me. He treats me like a princess. We get along great! This is the part that confuses me so much. The way he is when we are together and the way he is when we are apart are telling me two separate things.

I really like this dude (which is why I let it drag on for a couple of months *sigh*). But I feel like I'm going all the chasing. And if he really like me, he would be the one hitting me up, right?
You are giving mixed signals here. I agree, he gave you what you asked for. On top of that, men and sometimes women, will step back a little after they've taken a big step with someone to process what's going on. So this man is probably both disappointed and respecting your wishes.

In the meantime, he's dating others. Think about all this seriously. If he calls you again, be prepared to tell him that either you are really interested in him or not and end it there if that's the case. You should also be prepared to hear him say he's moved on. And stop chasing him. Your responses should be balanced. He initiates, you respond in kind. If he's not initiating, he's likely moving on or thinking really hard and worried he will be hurt if he keeps pursuing.

After three months and sleeping together and you don't know what you want, you should move on. He really didn't ask for that much. You can say I'd like to be exclusive and then be exclusive for a while to focus on whether "he's the one" for a longer term relationship. Being exclusive isn't a binding contract, it's just another step in the process of determining whether you two are right for one another.
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Old 4th November 2014, 10:07 AM   #7
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It's time to step up to the plate and make sure this guy knows you like him and could potentially see a future with him.

I agree with the others -- telling him he should date other girls says "I'm not terribly interested in you, and this is going nowhere." And be honest with yourself... do you actually WANT him to see other girls?
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Old 4th November 2014, 10:13 AM   #8
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i think you did the right thing. you shouldn't have to be ready for something on someone else's timeline. but he probably saw it as a rejection of sorts and pulled back. sometimes it is hard to get someone to re-engage in you once they feel distant.
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Old 4th November 2014, 10:18 AM   #9
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This scenario actually sounds like she was testing him. She failed the test.

No offense . . . but that's about having your cake and eating it too. You really aren't interested in him or you would not have said what you said.
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Old 4th November 2014, 10:43 AM   #10
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Yep, he's backed off, you basically told him you don't want him...He's got one foot out the door already.
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Old 4th November 2014, 10:52 AM   #11
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Food translation of OP's story: So I have been going to this cafe for several months. I got to know the chef really well. I always get a spinach salad with grilled chicken. One day the chef was like, hey you want to try the beef stroganoff? It is really good and my speciality. And I was like all no way! I'll just take the spinach salad and grilled chicken. That's all I want.

And now when I come to the cafe that is what they give me. Spinach salad and grilled chicken. What's the deal with that?!?!?!?
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Old 4th November 2014, 1:29 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by MobGetMoney View Post
You told him you don't want a serious relationship that you just want a causal thing. When he treats you casually, you complain that you're only his weeknight girl. You made your bed and now you're none too comfortable to lie in it.
But I didn't tell him that.

I told him I wasn't ready now, I just need time. He knows I just got out of a 9 year relationship with an abusive boyfriend. I told him I need a few months to make sure I am ready for this. I told him he can date other girls because he was so persistent in getting into a relationship right then and there, I didn't understand his rush. But I did tell him I was 100% exclusive to him and planning to keep it that way.
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Old 4th November 2014, 1:33 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Redhead14 View Post
This scenario actually sounds like she was testing him. She failed the test.

No offense . . . but that's about having your cake and eating it too. You really aren't interested in him or you would not have said what you said.

Just curious. How was I testing him?
I really do not feel like I'm ready for a relationship. I was being as truthful as I could be. I just got out an abusive LTR and need some time. But maybe I was doing something subconsciously.
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Old 4th November 2014, 1:36 PM   #14
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But I didn't tell him that.

I told him I wasn't ready now, I just need time. He knows I just got out of a 9 year relationship with an abusive boyfriend. I told him I need a few months to make sure I am ready for this. I told him he can date other girls because he was so persistent in getting into a relationship right then and there, I didn't understand his rush. But I did tell him I was 100% exclusive to him and planning to keep it that way.
I told him I need a few months to make sure I am ready for this. This is the crux of your entire situation. You should take a few months to be sure yo are ready to even date. Until you have taken that time and are sure you have processed that past relationship, you won't be able to give what's needed to a developing new relationship. You were leading this man on and asking him to be on hold for a few months while you did what you need to do. He's not holding for a few months! He might wait if you processing the death of your dog for a week, but not while you are processing the death of an entire relationship.
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Old 4th November 2014, 1:37 PM   #15
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You are giving mixed signals here. I agree, he gave you what you asked for. On top of that, men and sometimes women, will step back a little after they've taken a big step with someone to process what's going on. So this man is probably both disappointed and respecting your wishes.

In the meantime, he's dating others. Think about all this seriously. If he calls you again, be prepared to tell him that either you are really interested in him or not and end it there if that's the case. You should also be prepared to hear him say he's moved on. And stop chasing him. Your responses should be balanced. He initiates, you respond in kind. If he's not initiating, he's likely moving on or thinking really hard and worried he will be hurt if he keeps pursuing.

After three months and sleeping together and you don't know what you want, you should move on. He really didn't ask for that much. You can say I'd like to be exclusive and then be exclusive for a while to focus on whether "he's the one" for a longer term relationship. Being exclusive isn't a binding contract, it's just another step in the process of determining whether you two are right for one another.
Thanks for this advice. I'll be thinking about it.

I told him since the very beginning that I was exclusive to him. I thought I made it clear that I just need time... NOT that I want a casual fling. But his sudden change of behavior... Including withholding sex... Just was sudden and unexpected.
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