After almost 3 years, we love eachother and we have almost nothing in common

[hikaru]

So this will be a long story. I met my current girlfriend online 2.5 years ago. We love eachother, and live together with our two dogs(we each had one prior to the relationship). Basically it feels like a home, albeit a very messy one, but it isn't uncomfortable or unsatisfying to be here with here. The issue is it's only here that we seem to have a relationship.

 

So I'll start with what brought us together. In the beginning we were both looking for someone who was "green". We love local food, being environmentally responsible, it's core to both of our values. I felt, at the time we met, these values were incredibly important to share. We each love animals, and our dogs are basically sisters now. She is great at relaxing and just chilling on the weekends, which I enjoyed initially. She also supports me, my decisions, never asks for things other than maybe, cookies, and we have a nice, quiet homelife together. The issue is that a lot of the comfort that most of those things provided initially has worn out, the honeymoon period is over and now the cracks are beginning to show.

 

In the beginning it was easy to ignore that we had little in common because not only did we both have full time jobs and few friends in the area, we were very focused on eachother. She was also more engaged in the things I liked to do. She would hike with me, tried to take up running with me, came to some races with me, even tried to spend time with me in the snow, which she hates because she is very easily chilled.

 

Now it turns out that she hates hiking, has a negative association of it from when she was younger. She dislikes movies that I like, or she'll just fall asleep and I watch them alone. We have a very different taste in music, though I've gone with her a few times to concerts for bands she likes because she has no one else to go with. I have a good time, as I usually enjoy myself wherever I go, at the same time, she doesn't really repay the favor by joining me to do things she doesn't necessarily enjoy. Instead on the weekends hanging in is the go-to. She never wants to expand her knowledge or experiences and never suggests new things to do. Meanwhile my friend invites me hiking often, and I take her up on it because I love the mountains. The invitation is always open to my SO, but she never accepts. Either citing her hatred for hiking, or that it's because my friend only hikes on Sundays.

 

In fact, my best friend in the area has only seen my SO maybe twice out of the dozens and dozens of times I've hung out with my friend over the past few years. She actually said she doesn't like my best male friend, and doesn't want to spend time with him, ever. He and I play video games(i know, immature, but it's our hobby) maybe 1-2 times a week, since we live states apart and it's our hang-out time. She hates it. Has insulted it. If I ever go and insult a hobby or interest of hers, she becomes absolutely insulted even if I'm just joking.

 

That leads into the fact that we have a differing sense of humor. Though through some comedy shows I've introduced her to, we've found a little common ground. Still, if I make an inappropriate joke that my friends would laugh at, she's appalled and doesn't care that someone else told it/enjoyed it, I shouldn't repeat it. Really odd.

 

On the hygiene/house cleaning side of things, it's even worse. It's not as if she doesn't shower, but she never tries, or has tried, to look sexy for me. Not that a woman should always be required to shave her legs and dress a certain way, but c'mon, once in a while it's nice if you show your SO you want them to find you attractive, and that you want to be looked at. On that note, the sexual relationship has become tired, since it's relegated to the bedroom. Initially it wasn't so, but she seems adamant about it, and it's not often because she falls asleep at 9-9:30 every night.

 

I try to maintain a clean apartment, but she doesn't assist, instead if she leaves something out and I make note of it, she gets mad, and tells me "if you see something, just take care of it". She thinks I'm criticizing her if I ask her to pick up that can of seltzer she left on the table. It can get so bad that she shuts down and doesn't talk to me the rest of the night, a trait she gets from her mother. They don't hash things out, they just get sad, stop talking and wake up as if we never had a disagreement.

 

This has happened with a multitude of little things. A comment I think is a joke turns around on me and she thinks I'm telling her she's deficient in some way and then because she can't just argue it out, an evening together is ruined because she has to go through that process of shutting down. Now, this doesn't happen often, but when it does it's utterly frustrating and I don't have any idea how to help her see my perspective on the matter.

 

A lot of what I've read is negative, but understand, I do love her, and I do things for her that show her that regularly. Be it little gifts, cookies, a drink she likes, or buying her silly t-shirts with improper english(she loves to read and is a grammar hound) while I was in Taiwan, I do think of her wherever I go. At home, every night, I rub her feet, and her back, conveniently just before she falls to sleep, so that my back is always unattended. She has supported me while I've been unemployed, both financially for a month or two while unemployment stopped, and for emotional support.

 

My concerns are mostly her lack of social interest in my life and her lack of a social life. I join her in whatever she invites me to, yet she wont join me to hang with my friends because it's past her bedtime. She almost never sees friends, and of the few times she has, she said very little of the experience, or said it was dull and boring.

 

My friend mentioned it to me the other day that some of the people in our small group of friends have never even met her because she never does anything with us. On top of that, she's content just doing the few things she loves, reading, yoga, and taking seasonal pictures of her dog. She never wants to experience new things, outside of the concerts to the bands she enjoys, which she's seen multiple times, she never suggests to try anything new.

 

I love the 'family' we have together, the quiet and supportive life we have together, but it just seems like she's done trying to share experiences together and just keep things at the current status quo. I know she loves me, and I do love her. I know the alternative to trying to work through all this is leaving, but I would be devastated for tearing us apart, and I can't imagine what it would do to someone who can't even handle a discussion about cleaning without shutting down.

 

I see plenty of couples who have their own social lives, and get by just fine. I think the issue with my situation is that she doesn't really have a social life, and depends on me to be there. On top of that, aside from our weekly breakfast spot, we don't tend to share any new experiences outside the apartment. Worse, it's exciting me to imagine being with someone I have more things in common, that can keep up with my active side, that exposes me/us to new things.

 

I don't know what to do because I don't think she has any idea at all that I have been feeling this way, as it has happened suddenly and recently after some international work-related travel, and becoming unemployed, AGAIN shortly after.

 

Sorry for the disjointed post, my mind is all over the place at the moment!

[ThisisIt606]

It seems like you have a lot of complains or things that you have found in her over time that you just aren't feeling. You've been together for quite some time and I think you are just holding onto the "comfort" of the relationship because you are "used to it" and she wouldn't see it coming. I was in a similar situation where I felt things were just drifting apart with my boyfriend after about 2 years. I made the difficult decision to break up with him. While it was hard, I felt immediate relief and like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. All the points I made he agreed with but just didn't have the courage to bring up. He told me I was the "stronger personality" bc I was willing to face and bring up things weren't working out anymore. Sometimes relationships just run their course, the more you find out about someone over time it just doesn't jive as well anymore. There is nothing wrong with that, but it is important to take action, have a talk with her at the least about what you've been noticing and how you've been feeling. It doesn't have to be a break up talk, it can just bc a talk about where you think the relationship is and where you would like it to be.

[Gloria25]

Well, some say it takes 1 1/2 to 2 years of dating to really get to know someone...You've been 2.5 years with her.

 

I guess you're at a point where you know enough about her to make an informed decision as to where you want this to go.

[hikaru]

It seems like you have a lot of complains or things that you have found in her over time that you just aren't feeling. You've been together for quite some time and I think you are just holding onto the "comfort" of the relationship because you are "used to it" and she wouldn't see it coming. I was in a similar situation where I felt things were just drifting apart with my boyfriend after about 2 years. I made the difficult decision to break up with him. While it was hard, I felt immediate relief and like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. All the points I made he agreed with but just didn't have the courage to bring up. He told me I was the "stronger personality" bc I was willing to face and bring up things weren't working out anymore. Sometimes relationships just run their course, the more you find out about someone over time it just doesn't jive as well anymore. There is nothing wrong with that, but it is important to take action, have a talk with her at the least about what you've been noticing and how you've been feeling. It doesn't have to be a break up talk, it can just bc a talk about where you think the relationship is and where you would like it to be.

 

My worry is how much it would devastate her. I don't even think I'd get past a few sentences before she shut down and either left, or she might even beg for me to change my mind. We were on the couch together earlier and it was nice, and calm, but that's all it ever is. At the same time, she loves it, she loves me and sharing that time together, I just think it would crush her to take it away. I don't know if I could do it to her.

 

Well, some say it takes 1 1/2 to 2 years of dating to really get to know someone...You've been 2.5 years with her.

 

I guess you're at a point where you know enough about her to make an informed decision as to where you want this to go.

 

I am just having a hard time understanding if it's a grass-is-greener situation, or if I'm truly unhappy with all these things. We have a life together, granted we each do things as individuals lately and the only life we share is the life at home, it's still full of memories. Having the dogs together also makes just imagining splitting them up heartbreaking.

 

She's so utterly stubborn with things...I've asked her to compromise on little things in the past, and she's upright refused. She thinks I'm trying to change her when I'm looking for a little help with simple things like taking care of the apartment together. Trouble is, nice nights with her like tonight, help to make me forget about what bothers me.

 

So I wonder if I'm just being picky...no one's perfect, no one but myself is going to have all the same interests. Sure, some couples have multiple things they both do, so they can relate on other levels, but I don't HAVE to have that..? Just so uncertain. Being unemployed isn't helping that.

[Purepony]

Why don't you have a talk with her and explain your concerns and try and work them out together?

 

I would at least communicate and try to involve her but this is only one side of the story

[SycamoreCircle]

I don't know, man---people on this forum may disagree with me, but I think you're being, in a very mild manner, selfish. Of course you're on here because you're discontent with things. But, speaking from the standpoint of a guy who lost all those little things that we come to treasure in living with someone, I can only say "be happy with what you have".

 

If you're really at the end of your tether, why not lay out things as resolutely as you have in this post? "Look, some things I feel must change between us or I can't continue in this relationship." If you're serious about it, she may whip her butt into shape for you.

 

Another option is to really focus on getting your side of the relationship in tip-top shape. Find employment of some kind. Take a class. Find something new and positive. When she sees you moving in a positive, unexpected direction, it might inspire her and breathe some new life into the relationship.

 

My two cents.

[hikaru]

Why don't you have a talk with her and explain your concerns and try and work them out together?

 

I would at least communicate and try to involve her but this is only one side of the story

 

I would like to, but she shuts down when it comes to anything that could be interpreted as being critical of her. She shut down the night I simply asked if she could not put all of the vegetables on top of the lettuce in the fridge, so as not to completely crush it. I did this as jokingly and tactfully as possible, and the night turned into another where she went to bed giving me the silent treatment and woke up bubbly and fine.

 

It's this part of her personality I'm worried about. If I have that conversation with her, all she's going to hear is that I don't like her and I don't want to be in this or try to make it work. She only sees a negative when we discuss anything that involves compromise.

 

I don't know, man---people on this forum may disagree with me, but I think you're being, in a very mild manner, selfish. Of course you're on here because you're discontent with things. But, speaking from the standpoint of a guy who lost all those little things that we come to treasure in living with someone, I can only say "be happy with what you have".

 

If you're really at the end of your tether, why not lay out things as resolutely as you have in this post? "Look, some things I feel must change between us or I can't continue in this relationship." If you're serious about it, she may whip her butt into shape for you.

 

Another option is to really focus on getting your side of the relationship in tip-top shape. Find employment of some kind. Take a class. Find something new and positive. When she sees you moving in a positive, unexpected direction, it might inspire her and breathe some new life into the relationship.

 

My two cents.

 

It's hard to explain exactly how impossible she is sometimes to live with. I have literally been living in a messy, dirty apartment because I haven't had time to clean it, and she wont. If I try to get her to help, just a little, and I don't ask just right, she blows up, and then she wont talk to me. This is just ONE example too. If I say the wrong combination of words, she doesn't brush it off, she hangs on to them, or she goes from nice cuddly to angry and negative. It wears on me. I've told her this many times.

 

Physically, I'm in the best shape of my life. Mentally, sure, I'm unemployed, but I'm an incredibly positive person that enjoys doing just about anything. Which is why I accompany her to the things she asks me to do, I know I can enjoy it in some way. Yet she never returns that favor, and on the rare event she accompanies me someplace, she makes her discomfort and dislike of whatever we're doing very evident.

 

I have an engineering degree, I do part time work on the side, I have savings. It's not like I'm a deadbeat. I pay for my share of things and everything is in my name. I even helped her to get a loan on her car because her credit is in the toilet. I'm here, I am present in this relationship.

 

I don't expect the person I'm with do want to do everything I enjoy, or like all of the things I do. It'd be nice if I'm busy she has friends to spend time with(she doesn't), or that we had ANY friends together as a couple(I've asked her about double dating with neighbors MULTIPLE times, she is utterly disinterested), or that we can at least spend time together with my friends, but she never seems to want to. So I do everything alone and the only people she really sees in my life are those from my family, and they all think she's "adorable", and don't find it odd when she visits and reads a book instead of socializing.

[Diezel]

She sounds co-dependent and comfortable and you sound like you are staying in this relationship out of a misguided sense of loyalty.

 

Nothing in your post sounded like "love". You honestly sound like two roommates.

 

And she seems to want ALL of your attention.

 

I think you already know what you want to do with this relationship.

[hikaru]

She sounds co-dependent and comfortable and you sound like you are staying in this relationship out of a misguided sense of loyalty.

 

Nothing in your post sounded like "love". You honestly sound like two roommates.

 

And she seems to want ALL of your attention.

 

I think you already know what you want to do with this relationship.

 

I was wondering if she seemed co-dependent, but since I'd never dealt with it before I had no reference point. It's a strange dependence, since she does keep a lot of her live separate, but at the same time wants to spend as much time as possible with me, which really means just staying home and sitting around eachother.

Edited October 5, 2014 by hikaru

[Diezel]

It doesn't sound like her life is separate.

 

It seems like her "separate" life is 5% and the rest is just you and whatever time you decide to spend away from her is imposing on her.

 

Why do you think she is so upset with your Xbox time? You are right there, instead of doing whatever thing you could be doing with her.

 

She sounds like she is comfortable being where she is at. You don't. If you want more out of life, you have to tell her such. That, or move on even if it means breaking the "lease" and the family. There's nothing worse than being with someone who is on two totally sides of the social spectrum. You want to enjoy life. She wants to enjoy her bubble in life. You want more outwards, she's happy with whatever she has now inwards.

 

I think you honestly already know what you want. I don't know why you two decided to move in, but I'm glad you aren't married nor have kids.

[hikaru]

It doesn't sound like her life is separate.

 

It seems like her "separate" life is 5% and the rest is just you and whatever time you decide to spend away from her is imposing on her.

 

Why do you think she is so upset with your Xbox time? You are right there, instead of doing whatever thing you could be doing with her.

 

She sounds like she is comfortable being where she is at. You don't. If you want more out of life, you have to tell her such. That, or move on even if it means breaking the "lease" and the family. There's nothing worse than being with someone who is on two totally sides of the social spectrum. You want to enjoy life. She wants to enjoy her bubble in life. You want more outwards, she's happy with whatever she has now inwards.

 

I think you honestly already know what you want. I don't know why you two decided to move in, but I'm glad you aren't married nor have kids.

 

Well, in the beginning I was working, she was working, she came with me to do the things I was doing- hiking/trail running, she'd walk, but we'd do it together, she would stay up late with me, watch movies I enjoyed. I'd also take part in the things she liked. I didn't notice her introverted nature until a while later because we were initially just so focused on eachother.

 

In the last year it's become more clear that she was always like this, she just pushed herself outside her comfort zone in the beginning to spend time with me. It's also more evident now that I'm not working. When I was, I'd leave work, do my racquetball thing, or go to the gym, come home and that'd be all I wanted to do. Now while I'm job hunting, I have time to reflect, and immerse myself in my hobbies. Not being able to share them with her has been immediately apparent.

 

edit- and she keeps some things close to the chest. Sometimes she'll get utterly paranoid about her privacy with her email/computer or phone. Like to the point if I casually ask who just called she'll say "it doesn't matter". One or two times she's said "it's none of your business" regarding similar things. 95% of the calls and personal emails she get are from her mother so I don't understand it.

Edited October 5, 2014 by hikaru

[hikaru]

So I tried to talk to her on our way home from an event we've gone to 3 years in a row now. I told her this uncertainty with my employment, and having the time alone to think has made me uncertain with everything. I told her I noticed how we basically have two different lives, and our only time shared, that we both enjoy is time at home together. I tried to help her see my point of view.

 

If I take a job out of state, and move her away from the job she seems to love, from her social communities, she may resent me. I tried to express to her that those things are her passions, she loves it here, and wishes we could move closer to the city we grew up. I tried to stress that I'd love to move back to my home state and maybe our paths are separating. At the same time I'm also scared to lose what we've both invested in. It's a loving relationship.

 

She responded almost mad asking me "what's your conclusion", and then later "I do everything you ask of me, I've done the things you like to do". She doesn't seem to be hearing my concerns, and instead just thinks I'm suggesting she isn't doing enough... I told her I'd like her perspective, or reassurance that she sees this lack of things in common/things we do together as ok, but she couldn't give it, just got upset that I was feeling this way at all and asked why it was all the sudden and where it was coming from. As if my unemployment, uncertainty of relocation and questionable points in the relationship weren't enough...

 

I dunno what'll happen next.

[Astron]

I read your story with interest and I feel sorry for you. I can say I know how difficult your situation is, even if on the internet it might sound just another story for others.

 

I am in a similar situation as you now and I fully understand all your thoughts and concerns! I love my girl, she loves me even more, but she doesn't have hobbies, social life, friends and I feel she's limiting my life. She doesn't bring anything new to the table and I don't see it will happen in the future. After a year I realize that these are things that won't change. I think and feel sometimes that I could do more in life. But the moments when we are together, when we sit on couch as you describe are great. I'm also afraid that a break-up will destroy her.

 

To summarize it, is love enough for a good relationship? I still don't know and I'm sorry I cannot give you an advice.

 

Please let us know what happened in your situation.

[Noproblem]

She is selfish, immature, and over-sensitive.

 

she will never change..

 

You might as well accept it or leave

 

I understand your struggle

[Ami1uwant]

You need to have a sit down conversation with her about your concern without brining up breaking up or moving.

 

Personally I hate it when they faux like something but really font. I want honesty. I understand they aren't going to like everything...just as long as it's SN open mind.

 

As for home chores...instead of trying to do 50/50 with cleaning. Instead you take over the cleaning then sh takes over full responsibility of a duty in the house.

[Emilia]

I went through something similar not long ago. I agree with the codependency comments. It's almost as if like she just wanted someone to cosy up to and live with, almost anyone. I know she loves you OP, I'm not suggesting she picked you as some random guy, only that there are lots of people out there that don't need a connection. To grow and develop and seek out new experiences. To work through problems together and come out as a stronger couple at the other end. They just want to exist, you know? I think it's lack of security and self-esteem on their part. Maybe even lack of intelligence in a way, no need for stimulation. That's what they think life is and they just want to be left alone.

 

I see so many older couples that don't talk anymore, especially after raising kids. That quiet resentment for how life turned out to be. Don't be that guy.

 

Sounds like you have outgrown your girlfriend.

[hikaru]

I went through something similar not long ago. I agree with the codependency comments. It's almost as if like she just wanted someone to cosy up to and live with, almost anyone. I know she loves you OP, I'm not suggesting she picked you as some random guy, only that there are lots of people out there that don't need a connection. To grow and develop and seek out new experiences. To work through problems together and come out as a stronger couple at the other end. They just want to exist, you know? I think it's lack of security and self-esteem on their part. Maybe even lack of intelligence in a way, no need for stimulation. That's what they think life is and they just want to be left alone.

 

I see so many older couples that don't talk anymore, especially after raising kids. That quiet resentment for how life turned out to be. Don't be that guy.

 

Sounds like you have outgrown your girlfriend.

 

I mean, we had similar interests in being "green", being "locavores", being dog lovers, love interesting but local foods, and we both love this area. I'm easy going, and if you never had an argument with her, or had a disagreement, you'd think she's the most stress free person alive. She loves to relax, read, practice yoga, and attend her UU church. That's really where her interests end though. I mean she has wanted to go to very specific concerts, basically just two artists that she loves, but she still makes it just about me, her and the artist. I don't want to have outgrown her, since we actually invested time here, but if she can't even have a discussion after I've shared my feelings, I don't know what else there is to do...

 

I read your story with interest and I feel sorry for you. I can say I know how difficult your situation is, even if on the internet it might sound just another story for others.

 

I am in a similar situation as you now and I fully understand all your thoughts and concerns! I love my girl, she loves me even more, but she doesn't have hobbies, social life, friends and I feel she's limiting my life. She doesn't bring anything new to the table and I don't see it will happen in the future. After a year I realize that these are things that won't change. I think and feel sometimes that I could do more in life. But the moments when we are together, when we sit on couch as you describe are great. I'm also afraid that a break-up will destroy her.

 

To summarize it, is love enough for a good relationship? I still don't know and I'm sorry I cannot give you an advice.

 

Please let us know what happened in your situation.

 

I appreciate your post. At least you're only a year into it. With all the racing events/working I was doing, I didn't really reflect much on the relationship in the first and most of the second year. We had our time together, and it was loving and comfortable, but it was mostly here, at home. We do go to our favorite breakfast place, but lately that's it. We went on two trips together, but those were with her family, and not something she wanted to do, or planned herself. I was actually told by her mother that I was the planner, and when they didn't like my plans there was a ton of awkwardness there.

 

Anyway, after we got home, she barely talked to me. I thought maybe she'd feel better enough to spend some time together today like we'd planned, but just a moment ago she put the harness on her dog and left. I asked her where she was going on her way out and she just said she was taking her dog out for a while. She took her car, so I have no idea where she'd be going.

 

 

She is selfish, immature, and over-sensitive.

 

she will never change..

 

You might as well accept it or leave

 

I understand your struggle

 

I don't know that'd I'd call it selfish, there's a level of selfishness, but it's something she isn't conscious of. She gets all of this behavior from her mother. What's worse is she has no one to talk to. That's by choice too. She doesn't think it's anyone's business, so she keeps all these kinds of things to herself. So the people that might qualify as quasi-friends of hers would probably think she and I have an amazing relationship. I can't blame her for all the issues, it feels like a cop-out though.

 

You need to have a sit down conversation with her about your concern without brining up breaking up or moving.

 

Personally I hate it when they faux like something but really font. I want honesty. I understand they aren't going to like everything...just as long as it's SN open mind.

 

As for home chores...instead of trying to do 50/50 with cleaning. Instead you take over the cleaning then sh takes over full responsibility of a duty in the house.

 

I tried to express to her that I do love her, and the home we have together and that I'm not telling her it's over, or that I'm leaving. I just tried to express my concern with the state of things. Had I not become unemployed again through no fault of my own, maybe my confidence in things wouldn't have been shaken. It has though, and I am concerned that if I have to relocate for work, she'll follow, and resent me. Or she'll actually be firm in her desires to not leave her job and move closer to where she grew up. I will try again to discuss with her, but I usually only get a good 10 minutes before she shuts down and basically avoids me until she's either suppressed her feelings, or gotten over them through avoidance. That typically takes a day to a night, but with something this big, I have no idea. I wish she had close friends, and I wish I'd gotten to know them, so either she could go to them, or I could talk to them about all this.

[Diezel]

Hikaru, I understand what you are saying to her, but she is NOT going to empathize with you, because doing so removes her from the equation, which also means that you are removing her comfort.

 

The problem with what you said to her is that you said something with no definitive conclusion... much like what she said. You stated something, without stating a resolution to it, so you pretty much left it up in the air for HER to decide what HER next move is.

 

You can't do that with someone who is co-dependent. As you saw, her defense is "Why are you doing this to me, when I did all the things you've asked me to do even if I didn't want to?"

 

Even if she hasn't participated in years, she'll still remember the exact day she went hiking with you even if she HATED it, but she did it for YOU.

 

You need to make a decision and be firm with it. You are being WAY too soft about this and are almost volleying the decision over for her to make.

 

And here is my biggest problem with it all:

 

I tried to express to her that I do love her, and the home we have together and that I'm not telling her it's over, or that I'm leaving. I just tried to express my concern with the state of things. Had I not become unemployed again through no fault of my own, maybe my confidence in things wouldn't have been shaken. It has though, and I am concerned that if I have to relocate for work, she'll follow, and resent me. Or she'll actually be firm in her desires to not leave her job and move closer to where she grew up. I will try again to discuss with her, but I usually only get a good 10 minutes before she shuts down and basically avoids me until she's either suppressed her feelings, or gotten over them through avoidance. That typically takes a day to a night, but with something this big, I have no idea. I wish she had close friends, and I wish I'd gotten to know them, so either she could go to them, or I could talk to them about all this.

 

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? You want to be with someone who just shuts down and can't even make their own decisions or have their own life? You two are holding each other back.

 

Right now, you can't even make a decision about YOUR life because you are so worried about her. And the same goes for her. She doesn't need to make any decisions, she just goes day by day.

 

I think the time for discussion is over, personally. I think it's time you made a decision, and I hate to steer you towards one over the other, but the gist of your posts seem to indicate what you would rather do even if you are afraid to do it.

 

You just have to remember, whatever you say, she is NEVER going to see it eye-to-eye with you and will NOT completely understand because her understanding of the relationship is absolutely different than yours.

[Elle1975]

 

I don't know what to do because I don't think she has any idea at all that I have been feeling this way, as it has happened suddenly and recently after some international work-related travel, and becoming unemployed, AGAIN shortly after.

 

That's probably what you should have started your post with.

 

TALK to her. Sit her down, and spill all this stuff out. You say she is passive aggressive in giving you the silence treatment (bleah.. hate that), but lack of communication is just as bad.

 

So.. I get that you are worried about her reaction, but I'd totally would have a serious talk. Is it how you want to live the next 40 years? My guess is probably not.

 

She shouldn't abide to every single of your wants and needs, but surely you guys can compromise on something and meet half way.

[Neith]

This situation is actually really straight forward. Not easy, but simple in its options.

NEVER, EVER stay with someone just because you're worried about you leaving upsetting them. You can NOT stick around in a relationship where you're unhappy. Life is short.

I'm sure you're no saint either, but if she isn't willing to be mature and discuss a way to go forward in fixing the issues in the relationship, then you have no choice but to walk away. They won't go away by themselves.

[hikaru]

This situation is actually really straight forward. Not easy, but simple in its options.

NEVER, EVER stay with someone just because you're worried about you leaving upsetting them. You can NOT stick around in a relationship where you're unhappy. Life is short.

I'm sure you're no saint either, but if she isn't willing to be mature and discuss a way to go forward in fixing the issues in the relationship, then you have no choice but to walk away. They won't go away by themselves.

 

I know, I know. I'm just surrounded by happy memories here. I would have hoped that if the romantic relationship ended we could still be friends, but I think the black and white way she sees things that she'd just be completely out of my life.

 

Hikaru, I understand what you are saying to her, but she is NOT going to empathize with you, because doing so removes her from the equation, which also means that you are removing her comfort.

 

The problem with what you said to her is that you said something with no definitive conclusion... much like what she said. You stated something, without stating a resolution to it, so you pretty much left it up in the air for HER to decide what HER next move is.

 

You can't do that with someone who is co-dependent. As you saw, her defense is "Why are you doing this to me, when I did all the things you've asked me to do even if I didn't want to?"

 

Even if she hasn't participated in years, she'll still remember the exact day she went hiking with you even if she HATED it, but she did it for YOU.

 

You need to make a decision and be firm with it. You are being WAY too soft about this and are almost volleying the decision over for her to make.

 

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? You want to be with someone who just shuts down and can't even make their own decisions or have their own life? You two are holding each other back.

 

Right now, you can't even make a decision about YOUR life because you are so worried about her. And the same goes for her. She doesn't need to make any decisions, she just goes day by day.

 

I think the time for discussion is over, personally. I think it's time you made a decision, and I hate to steer you towards one over the other, but the gist of your posts seem to indicate what you would rather do even if you are afraid to do it.

 

You just have to remember, whatever you say, she is NEVER going to see it eye-to-eye with you and will NOT completely understand because her understanding of the relationship is absolutely different than yours.

 

I know I had no conclusion, I was just trying to express how I felt. I realize now that was a mistake, given how she is with communicating feelings. I tried to just explain I'm worried about everything, but she fixates, just like she'd fixate on the one time she did go hiking with me and probably did secretly hate it(oddly, it's not a physical limitation, it's that she hated having to do it every day with her father, so there's a negative association).

 

I definitely agree, we may be holding eachother back. I just don't think she'd ever come to that conclusion. She refuses to ever even try to see things from a perspective that differs from her own. But you seem to see this, because it's true, her understanding of this relationship is fundamentally different than mine.

Edited October 12, 2014 by hikaru

[Diezel]

The "staying as friends" is a cop out. You told her that your paths are going separate ways.

 

Memories are in your past. You need to build on your future.

 

You don't seem to understand that:

 

 

(1) She doesn't want to change her life

(2) She isn't going to want to change her life

(3) She is happy with her life just the way it is

(4) You aren't happy

 

All these things are now constant. Do you want to stay with this way forever?

[hikaru]

The "staying as friends" is a cop out. You told her that your paths are going separate ways.

 

Memories are in your past. You need to build on your future.

 

You don't seem to understand that:

 

 

(1) She doesn't want to change her life

(2) She isn't going to want to change her life

(3) She is happy with her life just the way it is

(4) You aren't happy

 

All these things are now constant. Do you want to stay with this way forever?

 

You seem to know her personality type well. When she came back she basically said the same thing. That I'd left it open and up to her, even though I was really trying to start a dialog. Regardless, she's interpreted what I said to mean that I don't think there's anything here for me. Kept asking me "what do you want me to do?", so I guess we're down to decision time, I guess it's pseudo over, but neither of us have said it. She said if it ended she couldn't or wouldn't live here...not sure if it's a money/location thing, because I could leave and give her space, but she wouldn't accept rent money.

 

Ugh..mess.

[Diezel]

It's not a mess. YOU are making it more of a mess than what it needs to me.

 

I know her personality well because I used to date/live with someone just like this. She couldn't fathom not living her life a certain way, but in reality we were both holding each other back from doing whatever life had for us.

 

With me, she was in a perfect little bubble. She didn't need anything else. I was fulfilling 100% of her social interactions so why should she try anymore? It doesn't mean she is a bad person, but you can't be her crutch forever.

 

You can't ask for a co-dependent person to make the decision for you, for them, the only answer is the obvious: Status quo.

 

And guess what is making you unhappy: Status quo.

 

Since she can't think of life being any different, she's not going to make the decision for you. For her, there is NO need for an open dialogue and you trying to talk about it is threatening her daily existence. You want her to see something wrong when to her, everything is perfectly fine. She is NOT going to say it's over. You have to say it. She'll drag it out as long as she can too, if it were up to her.

 

Why are you waiting for her to make a move?

[hikaru]

Why are you waiting for her to make a move?

 

I know, I need to man up. Wish she was like a past ex, we broke up mutually and were able to live together for a bit.