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Everything was great and then he dissapeared.


HereAndThenGone

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HereAndThenGone

I've spent awhile lurking this forum but have never posted here.

 

Sorry for the novel:

 

I met a guy through a mutual friend. Our mutual friend is also a good friend of my dad's.

 

We became Facebook friends back in like Feb/March but he was dating a girl at the time and we didn't talk much. Here and there he'd like my Facebook posts but that's it.

 

Anyways, they broke up in about April. At this point I wasn't even thinking about him in a dating sort of way but he posted a picture of himself on Facebook, I made some witty comment and he emailed me saying he's had a small crush on me since he met me about a year prior.

The night we met (watching our mutual friend’s band play), I thought he was really handsome too but he was there on a date with a girl (different from the one he just broke up with).

 

He's in a band another band with our mutual friend and was just about to go on a 9 day tour and asked if we could hang out beforehand.

 

We went out to lunch, came back to my place and just talked music and he left.

it was respectful and he didn't try to hook up with me which I thought was nice although it made me wonder if he was still interested.

 

Anyways, we talked everyday he was on tour. He always initiated it. Right before he got back he asked if I wanted to see him again when he returned. I said yes, and we had another date.

That night we went back to my place and we had had a few drinks and he kissed me. It was really intense and we ended up sleeping together. He didn’t stay the night and I wondered if that would be the end of it but he contacted me the next day.

 

Pass a month and we’ve gone on a few more dates, all initiated by him.

Then, the texts start getting further in between and eventually we texted every other day and it started taking him longer to answer my texts.

 

The last date we had was two Monday’s ago. I was leaving on a week long family trip and he asked if he could take me to dinner.

 

This part is a little intimate but for clarity sake I’m including it:

We went out to dinner and he paid, we went back to my place and had sex and it seemed like he was trying harder to make the sex about me instead of just sex.

At one point he thought he was going to finish and he said “let’s slow down, I don’t want this to end yet.” Or something along those lines.

Finally when it was over, he laid with me for awhile and asked me about when I left and when I was coming back; he had asked me that a few times but I needed to double-check the dates as I wasn’t sure.

He asked me if I wanted to go on a hike with him when I got back and I said yes.

He is leaving for tour to Europe in 6 days. They’ll be gone for about 2 weeks so this would be the last chance I’d get to see him before then.

 

Anyways, it’s the day of my trip and he texts me telling me to have a safe flight, made some joke about something, we texted back and forth and off I went.

Well, 4 days into my trip I heard nothing from him. I thought maybe he was trying to respect that I was on a trip with my family and I texted him asking him how his weekend was.

Hours later he responds with a normal text. Telling me what he did.

I responded and and another couple hours later he asked me how a certain part of my trip was and I responded and he never said anything back.

 

This was Sunday. It’s now Thursday and I’ve been home since Monday and I’ve heard nothing from him. He knew when I’d be back.

 

I just don’t get it. I understand that he’s probably preparing to go on tour now and is probably busy but I can’t really justify going 4 days without saying anything to me.

 

It obviously feels like he faded out, maybe because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings or maybe he didn’t want it to end badly because we have a mutual friend? But if that is the case, then why ask to make plans when I get back and go out of his way to text me before my trip?

 

It feels like it’s over but I wish he would have the balls to tell me what the hell is going on instead of just disappearing like I don’t deserve an answer.

I’m having trouble concentrating at work, and school and I’m too stubborn to text him to see what happened.

My best friend says I should text him, ending everything. She says it’ll help me move on but I feel like if he reaches out, then we could have that conversation.

The thing is, I don’t know if he’ll reach out again. And the fact that i don’t know why sucks more than anything I think.

 

I didn’t think he’d be the kind of guy to just disappear without warning. I’m 29 and he’s 39. I thought the age meant maturity. I guess not?

 

Anyone have any advice on what I should do?

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When men disappear without any explanation it's because they've been leading you on, or he's scared of how great you are and that makes him feel insecure, he's scared of commitment, he doesn't like your personality, or because he met another more convenient or sexually adventurous woman, or he's really a jerk -- because he created expectations, made promises and misrepresented his intentions with you. There's a million and one reasons why guys like yours just go "poof" and none of them justify such behavior.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. He's 39 and his band went on tour to Europe for 2 weeks, does not an excuse make for him not to stay in touch with you. With technology everywhere, he has no excuse not to call, email, text or IM you if he's serious about you. He's old enough to know better, but unfortunately age doesn't always equate with maturity.

 

Since it's been 4 days and he didn't tell you ahead of time that he'd be out of touch for a long period of time I'd take his silence as a sign he's no longer interested.

 

Remember what your grandmother told you, "actions speak louder than words." His actions speak volumes: you are not a priority to him anymore if he just fades away without warning.

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HereAndThenGone

He typically initiates contact but when he didn't for the four days I initiated it. That was when I was on vacation. When I did it took him hours to respond. I was the last one to text him.

 

No, we've never had the exclusivity talk. He did say he only dates one person at a time. And has never told me he's dating anyone else.

 

I don't have the intent of playing games but I feel kind of stupid texting him first because of how it went last time I texted him.

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HereAndThenGone
When men disappear without any explanation it's because they've been leading you on, or he's scared of how great you are and that makes him feel insecure, he's scared of commitment, he doesn't like your personality, or because he met another more convenient or sexually adventurous woman, or he's really a jerk -- because he created expectations, made promises and misrepresented his intentions with you. There's a million and one reasons why guys like yours just go "poof" and none of them justify such behavior.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. He's 39 and his band went on tour to Europe for 2 weeks, does not an excuse make for him not to stay in touch with you. With technology everywhere, he has no excuse not to call, email, text or IM you if he's serious about you. He's old enough to know better, but unfortunately age doesn't always equate with maturity.

 

Since it's been 4 days and he didn't tell you ahead of time that he'd be out of touch for a long period of time I'd take his silence as a sign he's no longer interested.

 

Remember what your grandmother told you, "actions speak louder than words." His actions speak volumes: you are not a priority to him anymore if he just fades away without warning.

 

 

Thank you for the response. The thing is he's not even gone yet. They leave next week. He knows I'm back and he had 5-6 days that he's still here before he leaves and hasn't tried to see me.

 

It's true, I'm obviously not a priority. I just don't get why he was super attentive before I left and then suddenly disappeared.

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Because he misrepresented himself and his intentions with you. Right before a guy broke up with me in college, he told me he loved me over a romantic dinner. Then he poofed on me, only to resurface weeks later at a mutual friend's party with his new girlfriend. So...it happens.

 

 

If your guy is still in town and hasn't responded to you texts, he's not interested in you anymore. Sorry to say.

 

And guys in rock bands tend to be players with women. So there's that too. Date a guy in a band if you want to have fun, but not if you want a real relationship. They aren't faithful.

Edited by writergal
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HereAndThenGone
Because he misrepresented himself and his intentions with you. Right before a guy broke up with me in college, he told me he loved me over a romantic dinner. Then he poofed on me, only to resurface weeks later at a mutual friend's party with his new girlfriend. So...it happens.

 

 

If your guy is still in town and hasn't responded to you texts, he's not interested in you anymore. Sorry to say.

 

And guys in rock bands tend to be players with women. So there's that too. Date a guy in a band if you want to have fun, but not if you want a real relationship. They aren't faithful.

 

I know whenever it is, it's not going to be something I want to here but not a word from him? Even if it's to tell me it's over? Is it probably not a good idea to ask?

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Why worry? He's shown you his true colors now. Do you really need to hear his reason for going "poof"?

 

I know how you feel, believe me. Just forget about him and try to focus more on yourself. He's not worth it.

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venusishername

 

This was Sunday. It’s now Thursday and I’ve been home since Monday and I’ve heard nothing from him. He knew when I’d be back.

 

I just don’t get it. I understand that he’s probably preparing to go on tour now and is probably busy but I can’t really justify going 4 days without saying anything to me.

 

It obviously feels like he faded out, maybe because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings or maybe he didn’t want it to end badly because we have a mutual friend? But if that is the case, then why ask to make plans when I get back and go out of his way to text me before my trip?

 

It feels like it’s over but I wish he would have the balls to tell me what the hell is going on instead of just disappearing like I don’t deserve an answer.

I’m having trouble concentrating at work, and school and I’m too stubborn to text him to see what happened.

My best friend says I should text him, ending everything. She says it’ll help me move on but I feel like if he reaches out, then we could have that conversation.

The thing is, I don’t know if he’ll reach out again. And the fact that i don’t know why sucks more than anything I think.

 

I didn’t think he’d be the kind of guy to just disappear without warning. I’m 29 and he’s 39. I thought the age meant maturity. I guess not?

 

Anyone have any advice on what I should do?

 

 

Just because a man is older than you doesn't mean he's going to be mature ;)

I think you should text him. Yes, he knows when you'd be back. Didn't he ask if you'd like to go on a hike?

You're getting upset over 4 days of no contact. (It's ok, I've been there myself)!! Just relax and don't automatically assume he's fading out on you.

I would just shoot him a text and say you're back and that you'd like to get together. See what happens. (I went through something similar, but your guy seems more engaged with you than mine was). Best of luck....

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When a man leaves you hanging for 4 days without a peep from him, it means you're low on his priority list. *Next*!

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venusishername
When a man leaves you hanging for 4 days without a peep from him, it means you're low on his priority list. *Next*!

 

Just been there. Yep!

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venusishername
When men disappear without any explanation it's because they've been leading you on, or he's scared of how great you are and that makes him feel insecure, he's scared of commitment, he doesn't like your personality, or because he met another more convenient or sexually adventurous woman, or he's really a jerk -- because he created expectations, made promises and misrepresented his intentions with you. There's a million and one reasons why guys like yours just go "poof" and none of them justify such behavior.

 

Remember what your grandmother told you, "actions speak louder than words." His actions speak volumes: you are not a priority to him anymore if he just fades away without warning.

 

 

I think this first paragraph should be read over and over again until it sticks. (I had to do that!) There is nothing that you should take PERSONALLY about someone 'fading out' or being quiet on you, or not prioritizing you anymore. There's so many reasons for it that you just don't know, but it's not about YOU.

 

I still think in your case it wouldn't hurt to text him once more. Re-reading your post it sounded like you just sent a generic text about how your trip was going, so there wasn't a need for him to reply.

Edited by venusishername
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I'm still curious why nowadays women STILL wait for the men to do everything. Come on, why can't you just grab your phone and text him? Have you ever thought that maybe he's not texting you because you're also not texting him back? How does he know whether you're interested or not when he's always the one to start things? Maybe he also thought you're not looking for anything serious, since you never really cared to start conversations with him? Honestly, that would bother me a lot if I'm seeing someone and they never really start anything, like they're always waiting for me. Isn't it a relationship? Isn't it made of two?

 

Anyway, I know that you texted him first the last time. And also, trust your intuitions. We know when the guy is drifting apart. But if I were in your shoes, I would definitely try again and see how it goes. Invite him to do something and see what he says. It could be a text, though a call is preferable. Right now you're still confused and contacting him would, at very least, clear your confusion - whether it's a good or a bad thing.

 

I do agree, though, with what writergal said. If he used to initiate everything and now he's not doing that, it probably means he's not interested anymore. However, I would still try once again to be sure. In the worst scenario, you should finally realize he's gone and move on with your life.

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HereAndThenGone

I do agree, though, with what writergal said. If he used to initiate everything and now he's not doing that, it probably means he's not interested anymore. However, I would still try once again to be sure. In the worst scenario, you should finally realize he's gone and move on with your life.

 

 

I don't know if it's worse to contact him and hear why (if he responds) or not do anything. Ugh, my heart hurts. Don't know if I can handle what he could possibly have to say to me right now. I don't know what to do.

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Honey, I've been through that many times. I know exactly how you feel. But what I've realized by now is that the earlier you discover what's going on, the earlier you'll start moving on too. You're scared, you don't wanna go through a heartache, you don't want to spend days or weeks maybe even months just to get over him, I know that, but you're confused now and if you at least get to clear that confusion, you'll feel like you've just threw a big weight off of your shoulder. Whenever things started to get bad with a guy I was seeing, I'd just have a conversation with them and see what was going on. Turned out that a few times it was just me overthinking, although I have to be honest with you and say that a few times they simply had lost interest. That could happen.

 

Find out the truth and be easy with your heart.

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How about this....instead of assuming this guy is a rat bastard, pick up the phone, NOT TEXT, call him and talk to him. It's silly having all this negativity whirling around in your head. You are only deepening the wounds. Wallowing around in misery accomplishes nothing.

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venusishername
I don't know if it's worse to contact him and hear why (if he responds) or not do anything. Ugh, my heart hurts. Don't know if I can handle what he could possibly have to say to me right now. I don't know what to do.

 

If he responds, he may still not not tell you why. Maybe wait until you have a bit more emotional strength before you make any decisions to reach out or not. Sometimes it just takes time to feel ready to do that!

 

How about this....instead of assuming this guy is a rat bastard, pick up the phone, NOT TEXT, call him and talk to him. It's silly having all this negativity whirling around in your head. You are only deepening the wounds. Wallowing around in misery accomplishes nothing.

 

I agree with Smackie. Don't let the negativity get you so down! Although sometimes I think a phone call is more difficult if you're feeling so emotional about it. Texting always feels 'safer' to me. I'm just a wimp though.

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When a man leaves you hanging for 4 days without a peep from him, it means you're low on his priority list. *Next*!

 

That has a lot of truth to it. I'm a man. In all fairness, it works the same way the other way around (girls disappearing on guys), I believe.

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Have you called or texted him to let him know you're back?

 

Well, 4 days into my trip I heard nothing from him. I thought maybe he was trying to respect that I was on a trip with my family and I texted him asking him how his weekend was.

Hours later he responds with a normal text. Telling me what he did.

I responded and and another couple hours later he asked me how a certain part of my trip was and I responded and he never said anything back.

 

I don't know, but I don't see anything wrong here. You were out of town, he responded, then asked you how your trip was going, etc. When you responded to him the last time, was it a question to him? Was there anything for him to respond to?

 

This was Sunday. It’s now Thursday and I’ve been home since Monday and I’ve heard nothing from him. He knew when I’d be back.

 

Did you contact him on Monday and tell him you were back? I think it's kind of strange if you didn't, even if he knew when you were getting back.

 

Anyone have any advice on what I should do?

 

I would call or text him today and let him know you are back in town.

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HereAndThenGone

Did you contact him on Monday and tell him you were back? I think it's kind of strange if you didn't, even if he knew when you were getting back.

.

 

No, I didn't contact him when I got back. I told him when i was coming back before I left, so he knows that I am back now.

I reached out to him when I didn't hear from him for 4 days while I was gone. Then the back and forth took all day for two responses so it made me stand-offish.

 

He seems to not like talking about emotions at all. He almost never does. Which I understand most guys (even women sometimes) don't. But I mean even little things. Even when he's upset about something, he typically "anyways" his way out of it.

 

His mom abandoned him when he was young. His dad committed suicide at some point....I thought that it was nice that he was open about that but now I'm wondering if he has abandonment issues. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. I probably would..

 

I know 4 days isn't a lot of time, but to me it's enough time to feel like something is up. And also, it's been 8 days since he initiated anything because 4 days ago was when I sent him a message.

 

I need to get my head straight..right now I'm being too emotional and I usually try to do things in life as logically as possible. I'm learning that that backfires too sometimes.

 

I also think I give people the benefit of the doubt too often. I'm working on learning how to not let people walk all over me. I'm naturally a trusting person. We get the worst of it, and that's partly because we let it happen.

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HereAndThenGone

Well I texted him around 11 today. it's 2pm and I haven't heard anything back from him.

 

My friend convinced me to stand up for myself, so I did.

I had a feeling he would't respond. I guess I was right.

 

Hard to be at work right now when all I want to do is cry. Trying to save face here for another 3 hours so I can go home and drink myself to sleep.

 

I was lurking these forums because of another guy about 9 months ago and here I am again.

 

I hate this.

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HereAndThenGone

He responded with:

 

"I've had fun too. I understand. I think highly of you in so many ways. I really can't hope for anything but the best for you. You deserve it."

 

I can't help but think this is just nice b***sh*t.

But at least I got my answer.

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venusishername
He responded with:

 

"I've had fun too. I understand. I think highly of you in so many ways. I really can't hope for anything but the best for you. You deserve it."

 

I can't help but think this is just nice b***sh*t.

But at least I got my answer.

 

I don't know what you said in your text to him, but I think you made the right move by standing up for yourself.... you didn't include those details here. I'm wondering what would prompt him to say 'I understand'?

 

Either way, what he said was kind and sincere. I'm sorry that you are disappointed. Be kind to yourself.

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