When people don't question their mate

[irc333]

I'm a big proponent of communication as I feel some of us here all are and of course the lack of it or communication break down can cause the demise of a relationship.

 

I feel that most people don't question their mates behavior or just simply choose to ignore it, but I always hear these stories how upon living with their sig. others for 2 years found out they were a drug user or had been cheating on them or something and I've always wondered how someone not know this?

 

Either they are choosing to ignore it or they feel "somethings up" but afraid to ask questions.

 

And I don't mean a straight, "Are you cheating on me??" but like if the person is getting late night cell phone calls and you ask, "Who was that that called?"

 

Sometimes the responses are "Are you my mother??"

 

Usually, with a response like that, the mate backs down and doesn't want to sound like a "nag"...and thus they let this pattern of behavior continue. Which is a bad thing.

 

Does anyone concur that most communication does't happen because they don't want to sound like a "nag" and let this behavior continue without question?

[thysecret]

I believe in communication, it is very important.

But i admit i had trust issues due to my past (my SO had been super understanding but not a pushover).

 

I wouldn't had said "are you cheating on me?"

But i would ask questions like "who's that girl?"

I guess if the someone doesn't had anything to hide, they wouldn't say you're "naggy", they would tell you "oh she's my school mate".

 

But of course you shouldn't be overly suspicious and demand for reassurance 24/7.

It's fine to ask when you have doubts instead of keeping it in.

If i had a text from someone, especially from the opposite sex, i tell it to my SO. He trust me fully but i believe he deserves the rights to know what i am up to. I want to share what's going on in my life with him.

 

But honestly, if a person wants to cheat on you, they would do it no matter what. Even if he's living with you, his heart could still stray.

Trust is important, so does communication.

 

Sometimes a guy cheats because he feels there's something lacking in the relationship. But of course we also have those douchebag who cheats, just for the sake of fun.

[longjohn]

I absolutely agree, communication is critical. It's a cornerstone of any relationship. We should always be curious in our relationships and ask open/honest questions when they arise. We should try (at least I try) to understand someone I'm going out with. This is the only way we'll know if they are in toilet talking to their mother or hiding another man somewhere or are being harassed by debt collectors. If we chose to bury our heads in the sand or ignore the obvious we shouldn't be surprised if a year or five years later we "find" they were.. cheating, doing drugs, had 3 children, a wife/husband.. etc.

[PerfectStorm]

I agree completely.

[Gaeta]

Interrogating your mate is not the same as communicating.

 

I am the kind of woman that blindly trusts. I don't question phone calls, I don't ask who Jenny is, I don't go through pockets, I don't ask where he is, with whom, etc. Like you said I am not his mother. I don't call these kinds of interrogation 'communicating'. It's not.

 

If his behavior has changed to a point I am not happy anymore, I will let him know. That is communicating. If he hides himself in the washroom to talk on his phone I won't ask who he is talking with. I won't get the truth anyway and I won't give him the chance to laugh at my intelligence. I will tell him this behavior is unacceptable in my book and I won't be in a relationship with someone doing this.

[Smilecharmer]

I don't question my mate because he has shown through action and deed to be trustworthy, loyal, loving, and kind. His motto is never do anything to jeopardize our relationship because he knows I won't stay and I don't have to. Even now in my thirties, I am self sufficient, smart, fun, sexy and good looking. I keep myself in prime condition on all fronts therefore I won't live with a cheater, someone mean or a liar. This is about boundaries and being willing to let go of toxic people. Infidelity is a dealbreaker to me and also to him. I will leave and he knows it as do I. He is a catch also so if I don't rise to the standard and be a wonderful person to him he can and will go. Love means being your best for each other and treating the other with respect.

[MissBee]

One thing I'm learning is that communication is not simply talking at someone or questioning them ---that's interrogation.

 

Communication is a two way street. So one person asking tons of question to an unwilling person isn't communication.

 

Communicating requires the two people voluntarily wanting to talk, share and be transparent...so it starts there. Establishing transparency, voluntary mutual discussions and openness about your feelings and concerns is a must early on.

[marcjb]

I've blindly trusted before and will never do it again.

[Elle1975]

Communication only works if the two parties are willing. I agree with you, but simply put, people lie.

[Allumere]

Most communication doesn't happen out of fear. Truest line ever said "never underestimate the power of denial"

[preraph]

It's a combination of one person concealing and the other person not wanting to see it anyway because then they have to deal with it. One friend of mine overlooked so much crap and then she finally got fed up with it but then she so didn't want to deal with it that all it took was one nice gesture (he'd been cold) from her man to sustain her for the next six months telling herself it wasn't that bad.