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I Thought Everything Was Going Well...Then This...


overthemoon86

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overthemoon86

Hi Guys –

This is the first time I am writing on this forum and I was hoping you all could give me some input. I have been dating this guy about a month now, we met at a mutual friends party. He is about 8 years older than me, lives about an hour away, has been single for about 2 years but there have been “interests” in between. I came out of a 5.5 year relationship about 6 months ago and this guy is the first guy I have had any feelings for since my break up.

 

We have spent pretty much every weekend together since we met and talking for hours on the phone in between. We have been very open and honest about our pasts and what we are looking for. Everything has been so wonderful and he makes me feel special.

 

Everything had been perfect until last weekend. We went to the same friends house that we had met at for a little get together. One of her house mates was someone I hooked up with in the past, like months ago and way before I met my current guy. I never got his number, I never even talked to him since and it only happened one time. I specifically asked my friend not to say anything and everyone was cool about it. I didn’t want to make a big deal and it was really unnecessary. Firday night was great everyone got along, no issues. Then Saturday we spent the day on Block Island biking around the island and everything was perfect. On Sunday we went to the beach near his house and we talked about going to the cape, what we were eating for dinner, and just random things that we were doing for the week.

 

Then he started talking about the weekend, talking about going to our friend’s house on Friday. He was talking about all the people there and then he started talking about the guy I had hooked up with, saying how awesome and nice he was. Then he asked why I never went for him. I was really taken back by that and then he was like you hooked up with him didn’t you. I didn’t want to lie so I said it was a really long time ago. He got quiet for about 5 minutes and then I asked him if he wa okay and he was like no I am not. He told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore,didn’t want to see me, didn’t want to talk to me, didn’t want to have sex with me.

 

After he said all that I said okay well then I want to go home. We packed up our stuff off the beach and then drove to his home in silence. I quickly got all my stuff once I got there and packed it in my car. I was going to just leave and never talk to him again (that’s how hurt I felt), but I thought no let me give him one more chance.

 

I went back inside and he told me he was really sensitive and he really couldn’t handle that. I told him I understood and I was sorry, it meant nothing, and it was so long ago. He said it brought back so many feelings of his ex and he knew that this wasn’t going to work. He told me I was nice and fun and fun to hook up with but he couldn’t see anything long term with me. He had a feeling and he needed to trust his feeling. I told him I understood, but once I left I wasn’t coming back. If that’s really want he wanted then I was going to leave. He told me he just wanted to feel special. I told him I only wanted to be with him and spend time with him and that’s when I left.

 

I haven’t spoken to him since, this was two days ago. I have told my friends and family (including our mutual friend) and everyone is telling me to reach out to him in a couple of days once things cool down. They said he likes you so much that he probably freaked himself out. I am not sure what to make of that.

 

I really don’t buy that he didn’t see anything long term with me, I think he was just trying to protect himself and his ego. Everything leading up to that would never lead me to beleive that I was just around “for fun.” He told me so many times how much he likes me ands wants to be with me and I find it strange that someone who claims that they don’t want a relationship with me would call me every day and see me every weekend.

 

Anyway, this is the situation I am in, Help.

 

Thanks!

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Not sure what we can help you with.

 

The guy has retroactive jealousy about someone within his circle and acted upon it - ending any potential of a relationship with you.

 

Frankly, you should be grateful it happened now and early in the relationship rather than weeks or months in when you might have been more emotionally invested.

 

It was only a month-long relationship and he showed his true colors early on. Thank your lucky stars and move on.

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ThorntonMelon

Just pigpiling on the first message. That's screwed up bigtime.

 

Not that he was affected by it - that's somewhat normal. But to take it out on you and end things. Crazy. He's got mental issues. You dodged a big bullet.

 

Plenty of guys in the NE to get to know when you're ready.

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I have to wonder if it triggered him, mostly because you never mentioned it to him and he may have heard it from someone else at the party. You said that the both of you were open and honest about your pasts, he may have wondered why you chose to keep that quiet, even after knowing that all of you were going to be in close proximity. You said he mentioned it brought back issues he had with his ex, it could have been a bad trigger (trust issues from his ex?).

 

In any case, you didn't do anything wrong. He probably has unresolved issues from his past relationship that he hasn't quite overcome. And if he's unable to express or handle these situations in a mature manner rather than self-destruct, you are better off. Luckily it was a just a month long relationship because if it were any longer, I can't imagine walking on eggshells because he's just so sensitive about everything.

Edited by Zahara
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I agree with everyone else, with one warning for you for the future.

 

Casual sex is not evil, but there are men out there who will judge you for it and there is still this double standard that is very much alive and well, and some men don't want a long term thing with a girl that they know has casual sex. So I suggest if in the future you feel like having casual relationships, keep them out of your circle. People talk and yes, it's screwed up, but sh*t like this happens.

 

If I were to have casual sex I'd have it with someone way out of town (2-4 h away) or someone who is so inappropriate for me (e.g someone much younger etc.) that there is no way in hell that we'll keep running into each other after the fact. Not fair, but look what happened to you.

 

i agree though that men who have this attitude might not make good partners for you, but it could happen that you really like someone despite his potential archaic views on sex and you miss out.

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overthemoon86

Thanks everyone for the insight, it is all really helpful, I appreciate it. There has never really been a double standard thus far in our relationship, we both talked about "one night stands" and he is very open sexually. We also talked about some not so fun things as it relates to our sexual past as well. And we both have been understanding...so I thought. Me so probably than him. I certainly have not bragged about my experiences...I feel no need to.

 

He did have a terrible experience with his ex, who happened to be his fiance, she cheated on him multiple times after they got engaged. He found explicit emails between her and this guy. She would tell him that this guy was so much better and was really hurtful. Unfortunately this went on for a little while before he finally ended things with her.

 

Obviously that was a very horrible experience and I can't imagine what that was like.

 

I was really hopeful about this and honestly everything was perfect until that, it was almost like a hit a nerve and there was no return after that.

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ThorntonMelon

Moon - you're obviously a very understanding, nice girl. You're willing to even make some excuses for his ridiculous behavior. He owed you better and I hope very soon you're posting about how lucky it was that he ended things because you met someone amazing.

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lollipopspot

Well he's quite the drama queen. It's unfortunate but just move on from this and don't try to get him back because I imagine he's going to keep finding other things to create drama and periodic breakups about, if you stay with him.

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I was really hopeful about this and honestly everything was perfect until that, it was almost like a hit a nerve and there was no return after that.

 

You don't want to be with someone that 1) is still jaded by their past 2) self-sabotages 3) disposes you at a whim 4) judges and shames you for his own shortcomings.

 

Whether it hit a nerve or not, there was no reason to treat you that way.

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overthemoon86

Thinking about it now I should have been upfront with him about what happened. I should have told him about what happened with that guy before we went to our friends house instead of having it happen after the fact. Maybe he thinks I wasn't honest with him, I was just hoping to avoid it all together.

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I agree with everyone else, with one warning for you for the future.

 

Casual sex is not evil, but there are men out there who will judge you for it and there is still this double standard that is very much alive and well, and some men don't want a long term thing with a girl that they know has casual sex. So I suggest if in the future you feel like having casual relationships, keep them out of your circle. People talk and yes, it's screwed up, but sh*t like this happens.

 

If I were to have casual sex I'd have it with someone way out of town (2-4 h away) or someone who is so inappropriate for me (e.g someone much younger etc.) that there is no way in hell that we'll keep running into each other after the fact. Not fair, but look what happened to you.

 

i agree though that men who have this attitude might not make good partners for you, but it could happen that you really like someone despite his potential archaic views on sex and you miss out.

 

I have a hard time believing I am the first person to LIKE this post.

 

This is EXACTLY what happened here.

 

It isn't because you had casual sex or whatever (as you clearly stated in your other posts, saying you guys are "cool" when it comes to sexuality), it is because you did so in the same circle.

 

These are the people you guys hang out with. These are the people you will continue to see. These are the people that know of your other indiscretions within the group. It is a bit deflating and emasculating for him to be around friends (and another guy) you been with.

 

Hell, I wouldn't like to hang out with other guys my gf slept with either. For starters, I'd ask why she even invited me to hang out with those "friends" in the first place. I would probably be nerved myself.

 

You know what he probably thinks? This: "wow, everyone must think I'm a chump. I am dating this girl and putting in the effort while other guys HERE have had her effortlessly. Especially that ****er right there, he is probably laughing inside knowing he's been inside her before me. And I have to put up with that ****."

 

Yah. So BlueEye is absolutely spot on. Don't mix your casual sex encounters with your current relationship. That's bound to blow up.

 

So while I don't agree with his (over the top) reaction, I completely understand it. You should be more careful with these things in the future.

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Thinking about it now I should have been upfront with him about what happened. I should have told him about what happened with that guy before we went to our friends house instead of having it happen after the fact. Maybe he thinks I wasn't honest with him, I was just hoping to avoid it all together.

 

As I said, if that was his issue, it still didn't warrant a break-up. He could have talked to you about it. He could have asked you why you left that little piece out seeing how you both have been open and honest about the past. And if he didn't like hearing it from someone else at the party, there was no reason why he couldn't communicate his displeasure. There was no reason to shut it all down.

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As I said, if that was his issue, it still didn't warrant a break-up. He could have talked to you about it. He could have asked you why you left that little piece out seeing how you both have been open and honest about the past. And if he didn't like hearing it from someone else at the party, there was no reason why he couldn't communicate his displeasure. There was no reason to shut it all down.

 

It's only been a month.

 

Pretty sure anything can warrant a breakup at this point.

 

I could have sworn we had a thread a long time ago that touched on these things a little bit. Of how long into the relationship into the relationship are you allowed to break things off without much need for an explanation. I think most people (many women included) believed that a month's time is not enough to give anyone a big reason as to why they're "breaking up."

 

I dunno why we're jumping on this guy so quickly. He saw something as a dealbreaker, so he ended a very, very, young relationship. I don't think anyone has the right to be upset with this guy.

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It is unfortunate that things turned out the way they did, but I disagree with the commenters demeaning the guy or even for disagreeing with his stance.

 

This guy had no problem with the fact that op had a sexual past. In the modern world we have to know that women will have a mountain of partners. He was fine with that.

 

It is an entirely different story if one of your current partners past hookups are in your social circle and you have to see them periodically. I can certainly see ending a relationship over that. In this case, the past hookup partner appears to be the same guy his ex cheated with some time ago. I would have done the same thing.

 

You can insist men should accept this all you want, but we don't have to.

 

I don't think bf treated her badly at all. His breakup was civil and respectful.

Edited by TXGuy
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overthemoon86
I have a hard time believing I am the first person to LIKE this post.

 

This is EXACTLY what happened here.

 

It isn't because you had casual sex or whatever (as you clearly stated in your other posts, saying you guys are "cool" when it comes to sexuality), it is because you did so in the same circle.

 

These are the people you guys hang out with. These are the people you will continue to see. These are the people that know of your other indiscretions within the group. It is a bit deflating and emasculating for him to be around friends (and another guy) you been with.

 

Hell, I wouldn't like to hang out with other guys my gf slept with either. For starters, I'd ask why she even invited me to hang out with those "friends" in the first place. I would probably be nerved myself.

 

You know what he probably thinks? This: "wow, everyone must think I'm a chump. I am dating this girl and putting in the effort while other guys HERE have had her effortlessly. Especially that ****er right there, he is probably laughing inside knowing he's been inside her before me. And I have to put up with that ****."

 

Yah. So BlueEye is absolutely spot on. Don't mix your casual sex encounters with your current relationship. That's bound to blow up.

 

So while I don't agree with his (over the top) reaction, I completely understand it. You should be more careful with these things in the future.

 

Thanks for your input and I really needed to hear this...ever since this happened I have felt really guilty and wrong and I couldn't figure out why. To me it was so meaningless, but I totally understand now what must have been going through his head. I feel terrible about this and no I feel that I was dishonest with him. Is there any way to fix this you think?

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It is unfortunate that things turned out the way they did, but I disagree with the commenters demeaning the guy or even for disagreeing with his stance.

 

This guy had no problem with the fact that op had a sexual past. In the modern world we have to know that women will have a mountain of partners. He was fine with that.

 

It is an entirely different story if one of your current partners past hookups are in your social circle and you have to see them periodically. I can certainly see ending a relationship over that. In this case, the past hookup partner appears to be the same guy his ex cheated with some time ago. I would have done the same thing.

 

You can insist men should accept this all you want, but we don't have to.

 

Oh holy ****, I didn't even pick up on this until you mentioned it.

 

Seriously. OP, you can't question his behavior after knowing that the guy you slept with is also the guy that his ex was cheating on with? Who also (with written proof) a superior sexual partner?

 

How CAN this guy continue to be with you? Think about it. He will ALWAYS compare himself to that dude. And he already knows that is he worse. He knows he is inferior.

 

Reverse the roles for a second. What if had a friend in the social group that he previously hooked up with that was far prettier than you. And what if you had to meet her and later find out they were sexual partners. HOw would you feel about the relationship going forward? How would you feel going to future hangouts and seeing her?

 

Come on now.

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Thanks for your input and I really needed to hear this...ever since this happened I have felt really guilty and wrong and I couldn't figure out why. To me it was so meaningless, but I totally understand now what must have been going through his head. I feel terrible about this and no I feel that I was dishonest with him. Is there any way to fix this you think?

 

You sound like a really sweet girl, but I honestly don't think you should try and fix it.

 

There really isn't anything you could do to make him think otherwise. And anything you do try or say, he will think is a lie or just a way for you to try and coddle him.

 

Leave this one be.

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In this case, the past hookup partner appears to be the same guy his ex cheated with some time ago. I would have done the same thing.

 

Yikes, I didn't catch on that if OP mentioned it in her thread.

 

I can see why he reacted that way if that is the case.

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Wow. Difficult. I agree with most of the sentiments above. Especially BlueEyeL's guidance. My hunch is that you havent' heard the last from this guy and I'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing. The dude obviously has some pretty serious sensitivities probably stemming from his ex. That's actually pretty normal and to be expected. But what is really concerning is how he reacted. The "screw it, i'm done!" reaction is pretty immature and honestly, i've done it a few times myself and am not proud of it. But what is really concerning is that he immediately started to take a chunk out of you on his way "out the door" by pretty much calling you his good time girl. Fun to have around - but not worthy of a real relationship. That's BS in my opinion and signifies a lack of introspection, a fragile ego and a complete lack of empathy. You don't want to be in a relationship with that sort of thing.

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Thanks for your input and I really needed to hear this... Is there any way to fix this you think?

 

I don't think there is any way to fix this. You might be able to get him to have sex with you again, but I doubt he will ever put you back in the 'serious relationship material' basket again.

 

You seem like a genuinly sweet person, so I would suggest you let him go.

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overthemoon86

Okay, this got out of hand, the person that his ex cheated on him with IS NOT the same person that I hooked up with. I know that for a fact. His ex cheated on him with a wall street banker and my friend's house mate is a 26 year old kid.

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Okay, this got out of hand, the person that his ex cheated on him with IS NOT the same person that I hooked up with. I know that for a fact. His ex cheated on him with a wall street banker and my friend's house mate is a 26 year old kid.

 

Sorry about that. I read your post#6, 'he found explicit texts between her and this guy'. I misread who 'this guy' was.

 

While the clarified situation was not nearly as bad as I originally thought, I still agree with the one month boyfriend and would have likely done the same thing.

 

It's unfortunate, but sometimes things don't work out like we would want.

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overthemoon86

No worries, that would have been terrible...but it still feels terrible, I feel like I was dishonest and I really wish we didn't go there Friday night, this never would have happened.

 

We really don't have the same circles what so ever, and my guy had never met my friend's house mate before and frankly I hadn't seen him in many months.

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Still, OP, in the future, keep casual sex far far faaar away from your circle. Very far away. Another planet far away.

 

It's hurting you, it's going to follow you and you'll have problems attracting a serious partner. Like the men above me said, it's one thing to kinda know you had casual sex in the past, and another thing to run the danger to see the casual sex partners at parties and such.

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Please walk away! He is a man with ego that he cannot see or hear that you had a boy friend or ex. I don't see any healthy relationship there. Run away! I made the same mistake!

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