Destiny91 Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I have been dating a guy for 5 years now from when I was 19 and he said he was 24. Two years into the relationship after not having seen any of his official (or identity) documents of his I became suspicious of his age and asked him several times over the years but he maintained he was only 5 years older. After some digging 5 years into the relationship I just found out he lied about his age by 9 years making him 14 years older than me. I am angry with him and hurt by the fact that he lied over and over especially considering the difference between his real age and the one he told me. I am also very uncomfortable with his age as it never crossed my mind to date someone as old as him. I also can't help but wonder what else he could be lying about. On the other hand, I have put in 5 years of my life and hard work into this relationship which makes it difficult to just walk away from it. Basically... I'm not sure whether I should continue with this relationship and marry this guy or I should just move on. All advice would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Crappy situation. You're bonded but bonded only because of a lie, as had you known his age you wouldn't have considered things. So trust has been shaken and you no longer have faith in his word. If the trust doesn't remain than you are wasting your time. If you want to continue you need to get to the bottom of everything to the point that you can have faith in what he says. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wisecrack Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Never NEVER NEVER settle. Don't let your fears and comfortability stop you from getting to a place you want. Obviously you have lost your trust in this guy. Secondly the question you should ask is do you still love him or not. If the answer is no after all this, be willing to walk away. You sound like you are still young so don't worry and if not, age is but a number. Don't ever let it impede you on achieving happiness. There is always a means of picking yourself off the floor. It will be hard if you decide so. Really hard. But you can do it with help, education etc and forge yourself a life and find your dream guy. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Here's what you know about him: He will do whatever it takes to date young women. Do not expect this to go away now that he's found you. Likely he will continue to try to upgrade to younger women once you get what he thinks is too old. I would predict you're looking at being traded in in another five years. Whether you stay depends on the quality of relationship you feel you have with this guy, but obviously young women are a priority to him and he will probably be that way when he's 70 except he won't be able to get good ones then. I'm curious what made him come clean now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jules Dash Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 That is creepy. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs Carter Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 On the other hand, I have put in 5 years of my life and hard work into this relationship which makes it difficult to just walk away from it. Basically... I'm not sure whether I should continue with this relationship and marry this guy or I should just move on. All advice would be greatly appreciated. Why throw good years after bad? You are 24 now if I'm reading this right, which makes him 38. When you are 34 he will be 48, when you are 44 (still not that old) he will be 58. Almost a pensioner getting ill, etc. Besides, will he want kids soon? Or is he going to be an old dad? Are you prepared for an age-gap relationship rather than find someone your age with whom you can have many good healthy years together? or do you want to be someone's carer who doesn't care about what you want all that much? Link to post Share on other sites
JungleLover Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 This guy needs a very clear and profound lesson for affecting someone like this. He should not be able to hold on to the prize that he crookedly obtained. He has to learn that action like his are not okay and they have consequences. Holding onto him know will only further demonstrate to him that he can do things like this to you. This sort of lie is different from other lies in a relationship because it is so character defining. You lived a lie. There is no way to go back and fix that. This guy is definitely not finished with the job he did on you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MoreCoffee Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 It depends. Has he ever given any reason to doubt his loyalty/devotion to you? Do you feel like #2, #3 etc. in his life when compared to people/projects? Besides this discovery, does he have a laundry list of short comings? Before this discovery, how happy were you with the relationship? I understand the desire to break out the pitchforks and torches, but many relationships have survived under far worse breaches of trust. Is it worth it to try counseling? Is the relationship worth saving? Only you can answer that, not the peanut gallery in attendance. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 So when you were 19, he was 38 yet told you he was 24. Yikes. What else has he lied to you about? How did you find out? If he didn't come clean you absolutely have to run not walk away. If he finally confessed, you have some soul searching to do but I would find it VERY difficult to trust him 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Destiny91 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 Thankyou so much for all your responses so far, seems like more people are leaning towards breakup but the ones that arent are making sooomuch sense too. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I'd break up with him if I were you. He deserves it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Destiny91 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 Yikes. What else has he lied to you about? How did you find out? If he didn't come clean you absolutely have to run not walk away. If he finally confessed, you have some soul searching to do but I would find it VERY difficult to trust him I had to do my own digging to find out and man handled him to confess because I had evidence he could not deny any longer. My guess is that he was hoping I find out just before we got married so that I could not walk (or run) away. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I had to do my own digging to find out and man handled him to confess because I had evidence he could not deny any longer. My guess is that he was hoping I find out just before we got married so that I could not walk (or run) away. You can always walk or run away. Always. Anyone can. His years of lying to you is so disrespectful and manipulative. I don't see how a positive relationship can be founded on lying. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Destiny91 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 It depends. Has he ever given any reason to doubt his loyalty/devotion to you? Do you feel like #2, #3 etc. in his life when compared to people/projects? Besides this discovery, does he have a laundry list of short comings? Before this discovery, how happy were you with the relationship? I understand the desire to break out the pitchforks and torches, but many relationships have survived under far worse breaches of trust. Is it worth it to try counseling? Is the relationship worth saving? Only you can answer that, not the peanut gallery in attendance. Thanks for that. But what if he was being as nice as he was all this time because of this secret and the lies he was telling me? I mean what if it was all for this particular moment when I would find out his true age and not break up with him as a result? Link to post Share on other sites
MoreCoffee Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 There is either more to consider or there isn't. Is there? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Destiny91 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 . This sort of lie is different from other lies in a relationship because it is so character defining. You lived a lie. There is no way to go back and fix that. This guy is definitely not finished with the job he did on you. My thoughts exactly, everything he does or says now I look at from a different perspective because him being older, for me, changes who is. And i definitely do wonder what is next especially considering i haven't met much of his family in these 5 years. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Thanks for that. But what if he was being as nice as he was all this time because of this secret and the lies he was telling me? I mean what if it was all for this particular moment when I would find out his true age and not break up with him as a result? Of course you can break up with him. Even if you were married you could divorce so there's no such thing as "can't". If he lied about something this big what else is he lying about? Don't marry this old guy because you weren't aware of what you were getting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MoreCoffee Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 There you are. All answered. Ain't consensus grand? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Destiny91 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 There you are. All answered. Ain't consensus grand? All answered. Consensus is awesome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 There is something extremely wrong with a 34 year old man who con a 19 year old girl into being with him by lying about his age. I mean, maybe he went for you because you were too young to see some of the issues that few women in their 30s or even 20s would put up with. This guy is ****ed up. Break up with him for your own good please. He's not a prize and you have many more opportunities to find someone much better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 As for all the hard work you put in? Would you keep eating rotten oranges even when they make you sick because you paid for them? The past is the past and you can't change that, but you can make the future better. I was with a guy for 7 years total from high school to graduate school. It still didn't work out and I'm actually much happier now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I think you should date someone your own age who treats you like crap since age is the only thing that matters in order to be happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I I am also very uncomfortable with his age as it never crossed my mind to date someone as old as him. So essentially, if he never lied about his age, and was completely honest, you would never have given him a chance. Think about your relationship with him over the years. Do you want to erase all of it? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 There is more than one lie out there.. you have to lie to coverup lies.. so he has told you more than one and on more than one occasion when you asked him again. Get out now... this guy is baaaaadddddd news... if he had come clean a few months after you started dating then I'd be all for second chance territory but 5 years.. my gosh.. he is pathological. The issue becomes now that you know and you give him a second chance and there is more or he tells more lies.. like being married before or something then you look like the fool and not him. I'm in the dump camp, I would have certainly dumped a girl for lying like that..in fact I did dump a girl for being caught in lies but we only dated 6months 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Maybe you should pay for an extensive background check at this point if you are swinging towards staying with him... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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