I'm scared of being hurt

[letsplaygofish2]

It's been a while since I posted. The last time I did, I was dating a sociopath and am now recovered and moved on.

 

I've been dating a new guy for a month and a half, exclusive. He's 43 and I'm 37, both interested in having a family, children and marriage. I'd have to say that this guy is different from the other men I've dated. He's very respectful, takes care of me, treats me to dinner and pedicures, but we are taking it slowly. Overall, he's very emotionally guarded and not as emotionally available as I am. I understand that men generally are slower to open up, so I've been patient and he's slowly opening up, just not to the degree that I'd like. I've also been overly communicative as far as our needs go, which seems to surprise him because he tends to assume a lot. All in all, he's a solid guy.

 

Tonight I find myself freaking out. Over the past weekend, I told the guy that I wanted to snuggle. He laughed, sort of ignored it. When I went home, I jokingly told him that I didn't get my snuggle and he owes me one. He laughed again, gave me a hug and kiss - off I went.

 

I texted him again today (Wednesday) that I could use a hug, no response. Mind you, he's not much of a texter and rarely replies to 'hugs, xoxo's'. I'm freaking out because I am afraid of being too needy, but I am starting to feel like I can't trust him with my feelings because my exes used to tell me that I'm needy when it comes to affection. I'm at the point where I just want to break up with him instead of telling him I'm scared that he will reject me if I ask for a hug again.

 

What do I do? This is so stupid, but I am stumped.

[Assasda]

first of all you wont break up with him.

_ I challege you to do that.

 

2nd of all, lets call a spade a spade, You are needy

- So what you do is play it cool, know what you are, and just communicate to him that you like a lot of affection and not get freaked out.

 

I hope you take this constructively

[letsplaygofish2]

@Assasda Thank you for the constructive criticism. I know what you are saying and am realizing that I am still recovering from wounds due to previous relationships. I'm human, to feel is normal. I communicated my thoughts and he was shocked, but understand and compassionate. I agreed that I'd talk to my therapist about my issues and he is being very supportive. Thank you so much

[ktya]

My ex was overly needy for affection. I'm a naturally affectionate person but she was overly so and it pushed me away - asking for affection is such a turn off.

 

Give him affection when the situation warrants it. Let him give you affection when he feels like it. Never ask or force it because you will ruin it. Just because you are a girl doesn't mean you can act like a love sick puppy who's sense of self worth is valued in cuddles, kisses and hugs like a 16 year old - your 37 (my age).

 

Sorry for the tough love just trying to help.

 

The story with my ex? I stopped giving her much affection at all. She was needy about the ex and eventually I didn't want much of that either and I am very sexual I love sex. The month after I broke up with her I was having it twice a day for 2 months keeping 3 different girls happy simultaneously. So it sure as heck wasn't lack of drive.

[smackie9]

I wouldn't call you needy, your expectations are different from his. Everyone is different on how important affection is to them. You don't feel appreciated if a man resists wanting to hug or snuggle. I tell you men are not slow to warm up to a woman....it's just him, it's his personality, the type of person he is. I don't care if he is a ''solid'' guy, sure that's a good thing BUT he isn't being the whole package.

 

If you are having to ask or fight for your needs to be fulfilled you are dating the wrong man. There are plenty of passionate/affectionate men out there, you just haven't found him yet. So don't waste your time trying to ''change'' for him or hope he may come around if you wait, maybe things will get better. That is just crazy talk. If you are already complaining at only the one and a half mark of your relationship, it's a fail. You need to move on if you really want more than what he is giving you now.

[smackie9]

My ex was overly needy for affection. I'm a naturally affectionate person but she was overly so and it pushed me away - asking for affection is such a turn off.

 

 

This why she is your ex, you were incompatible. She wasn't overly needy, she enjoyed affection more than you were willing to provide.

[Moonborn]

People use the term "needy" way too easily... Wanting affection from the person you are in a relationship with is not being needy. Calling ten times a day because OMG I MISS YOU is needy. There's an ocean in between.

[preraph]

It's one thing to snuggle in bed watching tv or before sex and another thing entirely to ask for a snuggle and say you need a snuggle and keep bugging him about it. I mean, the last time most people heard "I need a snuggle" was either then when they were five years old telling it to their mommy or their mommy telling it to them and making them cringe when they were 14. Are you trying to get a parent/child relationship started here? Because I will tell you there is evidence that nothing will kill sex and romance quicker than one partner acting like a parent to the other.

 

It might be a little facet of arrested development talking there that a therapist could help you sort out and dispose of.

 

Obviously, he's not comfortable with all that demanding childlike affection, so stop asking.

[Gaeta]

1st, you are not suppose to give your trust to a man you've been dating 6 weeks. This man is on probation. Dating is the getting to you phase to see if you are compatible. You can now take note you are not compatible on the physical affection department.

 

Also, you being afraid he will dump you because you ask for a cuddle is indicative you don't trust being yourself around him. If you cannot be yourself around him then he's not the man for you.

 

And I also think the word 'needy' is used too negatively on here. We all have relationships needs, if we did not then we would not be in relationships! We are in relationships for the NEED of companionship and intimacy aren't we.

[ktya]

Affection is contextual.

 

If I'm playing xbox or reading the paper asking me for a snuggle will fall on deaf ears. If I'm sitting in bed with you on a Sunday morning you'll get it tut suite.

 

I've found with multiple girlfriends who were needy for affection they asked or even begged for it at entirely the wrong times. It almost seemed like they were a bit jealous that I was enjoying myself without coddling them and they wanted to interrupt what I was doing just to prove that they could distract me to stroke their ego.

 

Don't be that girl. Its more common than you might think.

[letsplaygofish2]

I don't know. It's too early to say whether we are or aren't compatible at this point in time. We both get along great, but yes I've had a few more issues recently (health, friend going through chemo) that warrants a bit more comfort than normal. I think asking for a hug is acceptable when the time is appropriate.

 

Last night we watched a movie and snuggled. I know that I snuggled him more and he just sprawled out, but it just says to me he's comfortable with his space and willing to share. I think that his guardedness also plays into a factor here, because his parents didn't show him that affection in his upbringing. But the option here, for me, is to learn to use words and communicate. That's the difference I bring to the table. So far so good. I recognize I'm feeling a bit insecure, but I'll work on that. As we both agreed, we are always a work in progress.

 

Also, thanks for the tip about being on probation. I tend to fall head over heels, so this type of dating is new to me. I'm alway learning

[letsplaygofish2]

I also wanted to mention the book '5 love languages'. Everyone has 1-2 types, either affection, gifts of service, words, etc. I don't remember them all. But everyone gives and receives love differently. Being able to identify what they are and clearly articulate them can help improve a relationship.

[smackie9]

Affection is contextual.

 

If I'm playing xbox or reading the paper asking me for a snuggle will fall on deaf ears. If I'm sitting in bed with you on a Sunday morning you'll get it tut suite.

 

I've found with multiple girlfriends who were needy for affection they asked or even begged for it at entirely the wrong times. It almost seemed like they were a bit jealous that I was enjoying myself without coddling them and they wanted to interrupt what I was doing just to prove that they could distract me to stroke their ego.

 

Don't be that girl. Its more common than you might think.

 

I`m assuming they are in their early 20`s. You are misinterpreting what they are trying to achieve here. They just want your attention because they are there with nothing to do while you are enthralled in your gaming. A mature woman would just simply go off and do her own thing rather than watch you rip a few zomies a new *******. But if you invite your GF over to hang out, you better be giving her some affection. It`s only fair to set aside time to focus on your mate when you are spending time together. If you don`t want to be bothered with it, then don`t have them over.

[Elle1975]

he's not much of a texter and rarely replies to 'hugs, xoxo's'.

 

The words "snuggle", texting "hugs", and "xoxo's" personally I see it as something a child would say, or a teenager, but not a grown up.

 

I agree that asking for affection makes you look needy. I read your post, and I have the mental image of a child reaching out to get picked up.

 

However, I would be suspicious of his lack of affection, if he doesn't show any at all.

 

A guy can treat you well, take you out, take you away for the week end, and treat you with pedicures and such.. and still have no interest in building a future with *you*, even if he does want this future to happen, eventually.

 

I would back off with the "give me a hug plz" kind of deal... and I would take a couple steps back to think about the relationship. You might like him, but is he the right guy for YOU - are you the right gal for him?

[ktya]

I`m assuming they are in their early 20`s. You are misinterpreting what they are trying to achieve here. They just want your attention because they are there with nothing to do while you are enthralled in your gaming. A mature woman would just simply go off and do her own thing rather than watch you rip a few zomies a new *******. But if you invite your GF over to hang out, you better be giving her some affection. It`s only fair to set aside time to focus on your mate when you are spending time together. If you don`t want to be bothered with it, then don`t have them over.

 

2/3 were cohabiting girlfriends and 2/3 were in their mid 30s, albeit not the same 2/3 either time.

 

I've dated girls somewhat like that too, but now that I'm 37 I don't give into the "please drop what your doing and show me affection so I know you love me" bs. I've even had women older than me do that.

 

Like, sorry, but I'm doing something right now, I showed you affection earlier today, and I will again later, but right at this minute I'm doing something else.

 

You'd be surprised how common this is, with the pouty bullsht response you get when you don't oblige.

 

I was playing simcity once while one of my exes slept in. Guess I didn't get the memo that I was supposed to sleep in with her that day (she lived with me). I looked up when she came in my office and she had packed a bag and said she was going to stay at her cousins for a few days "because you love your game more than me". I was like WTF I didn't even know you were up.. a "good morning " would have been nice instead of brooding silently waiting for me to detect that you were brooding upstairs in bed waiting for me to come cuddle. Considering she was still fast asleep at 11am I couldn't be expected to sit staring at the ceiling when I was awake at 8am.

 

That was an extreme but ive seen that attitude manifest in many ways with many different women. More common than you'd think.

[smackie9]

2/3 were cohabiting girlfriends and 2/3 were in their mid 30s, albeit not the same 2/3 either time.

 

I've dated girls somewhat like that too, but now that I'm 37 I don't give into the "please drop what your doing and show me affection so I know you love me" bs. I've even had women older than me do that.

 

Like, sorry, but I'm doing something right now, I showed you affection earlier today, and I will again later, but right at this minute I'm doing something else.

 

You'd be surprised how common this is, with the pouty bullsht response you get when you don't oblige.

 

I was playing simcity once while one of my exes slept in. Guess I didn't get the memo that I was supposed to sleep in with her that day (she lived with me). I looked up when she came in my office and she had packed a bag and said she was going to stay at her cousins for a few days "because you love your game more than me". I was like WTF I didn't even know you were up.. a "good morning " would have been nice instead of brooding silently waiting for me to detect that you were brooding upstairs in bed waiting for me to come cuddle. Considering she was still fast asleep at 11am I couldn't be expected to sit staring at the ceiling when I was awake at 8am.

 

That was an extreme but ive seen that attitude manifest in many ways with many different women. More common than you'd think.

 

Well I guess my husband is one hell of a lucky guy

[preraph]

I really don't see the value in getting cuddles if you have to ask for them and know the guy would rather not give them. That isn't real affection. Affection has to be given freely or it's really not worth anything.

[Eternal Sunshine]

To be honest, I cringe at asking someone for a snuggle.

 

It's like saying I want you to text me more or call me more. You are forcing someone to do what they don't feel like doing. Do you really want to get a snuggle/text/call just because you pushed someone into it? To me that defeats the purpose.

[letsplaygofish2]

Actually, I think to the contrary it's more proactive to ask for what you need instead of waiting passively for it to happen. I know what I needed at that time, but he did not respond in a manner that was acceptable to me. This resulted in a minor freakout, but we've since talked about it and will work to give each other what we need in order to feel secure in a relationship. That's what maturity is all about.

[letsplaygofish2]

So I just wanted to post a quick update. The guy broke up with me this morning citing that he is less emotionally available than I am and that I deserve better. Not happy about this since I was starting to let my guard down too, but overall I see that putting up emotional walls is not a way to learn to get to know each other. Thanks for the support when I started this thread!

[smackie9]

I have a tip for you......date younger men. If you want to start a family, and have someone that hasn't been there or done that, stay away from the old farts.

[Gaeta]

So I just wanted to post a quick update. The guy broke up with me this morning citing that he is less emotionally available than I am and that I deserve better. Not happy about this since I was starting to let my guard down too, but overall I see that putting up emotional walls is not a way to learn to get to know each other. Thanks for the support when I started this thread!

 

I am sorry it didn't work.

 

When you have to request affection it's because you and the gentlemen aren't on the same page, he just confirmed it.