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What am I to her?


Jules Dash

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I met this woman on a dating website just over two months ago. We have been dating for about two months now and became exclusive one month ago. She was married for several years, has been divorced for a few years now, has a 8 year old daughter from her previous marriage. Her last relationship was about 10 months ago with a guy she almost moved across the country for. She said it was a good relationship and they got along well and even her daughter loved the guy. When it got time for her to move to to be with the guy, I guess he became hesitant. She said she believed he was maybe scared to take on a family at that time. She doesn't seem bitter over it.

 

Again, I met her on the dating website and she seems to not have been all that into the dating website but said she met her ex on it but I became interested in her because she seemed very genuine. We eventually started going out on dates and I started really falling for her. She is very down to Earth, love animals like I do, we both have dogs, has a professional job, has probably the most endearing mother-daughter relationship I have ever seen. Her daughter is absolutely in love with her. The daughter's father picks her up regularly and is really a big part of her life. I am really impressed that she is always insistent on picking up the bill when we go out even though I am sure I make at least 5 times as much as she do. Of course I don't let her pay for every thing. I even pay for most things and treat her and her daughter out occasionally.

 

After years dealing with strings of not so good relationships, wanting to be a bachelor, and dates with not much chemistry, I was really happy that I finally seem to have found someone who seems normal or seem to have no serious hangups except for one thing, she goes hot and cold regularly.

 

We had been getting along well after our first month of dating and I almost was thinking it was too good to be true before she suddenly freaked out, sent me a text and said we should stop having sex until we are exclusive. I was scratching my head because it seem to have come out of nowhere. She just up and sent the text.

 

I told her we could become exclusive and I didn't ask her about being exclusive after the month we had been dating because I didn't want to pressure her although I would have loved to be in an exclusive relationship with her. She then proceeded to cancel a date which I was going to meet her daughter for the first time. I didn't understand what was going on and the conversation eventually got of control and I felt that she was pushing me away. So we didn't speak for a week before I called her up and asked if she wanted to be exclusive. She said yes but she did not want to risk her and her daughter getting hurt again. So I was thinking maybe she had a flashback of her last relationship and I began to wonder if maybe she still was not over her last boyfriend. I thought she was probably trying to move on but maybe still had feelings for him.

 

Anyway, we eventually got past this but she would be all excited about me one day and sending me texts throughout the day. She sometimes text me dirty photos which I like but when we would get together, she would not be particularly affectionate towards me or touch me but she would be in great spirits during our date. At the end of the night, after dropping her off, she often will not move in for a kiss or a hug but the next day would send a text early in the morning greeting me and telling me how wonderful I am. She is a great cook and loves to cook for me.

 

Despite us being in a new relationship, the daughter's father picking her up at least twice per week, regular access to a babysitter and living less than a half hour away, we have probably had sex only on 5 or 6 occasions. I have a big sex drive. She seems to not be bothered much with us going a week or so without sex. She only initiated one of the times we had sex and seems to really enjoy it but once we are finished, she tends to hang out on the opposite side of the bed, somewhat distant. She doesn't exactly show any reluctance in leaving at night or hating to see me leave at night. She really doesn't call me often and she only started calling me when I told her that as adults, we really shouldn't be relying on text so much for communication. We see each other 2 -3 times per week and she puts together most of the dates since she likes to do so.

 

 

I just get the feeling that she seems indifferent often. For example, recently after not seeing each other for days, we were sending dirty texts back and forth and telling what we would do to each other the next time we saw each other. We went out to a bar for drinks and drove back to her place and began sitting and watching TV. We started making out and then when I started undressing her, she said her daughter was coming back any minute. She seem to have forgotten that we had that whole sexually charged texting conversation the day before and really set up to see each other to finally get some alone time. She was pretty much indifferent and when I walked towards the door, she sort of stood back as I walked out the door from her home like it was nothing.

 

She seems as if she wants to be into me but I just don't see that passion, the googly eyes and that touchy feeling stuff that you usually see in a new relationship and when someone is really into you. She asked me again about 2 weeks ago if I was really treating her exclusively or still taking to anyone else and I told her the truth which is "no." She regularly says things like " I am glad I met you" and "I am yours for as long as you want me." She even asked me if I still wanted kids. I really do like this woman and care for her but something seems out of place-

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Listen...if you know what is good for you, run for the hills. There is a reason the other guy ran, and all you have is what the woman has told you. I find it is always a challenge when getting involved with women with daughters, compared to those with sons

 

Unless you want to be paying child support and end up with drama, move on from this and find someone else. You are the rebound guy from what you've told us....she is trying to make you pay for whatever the other guy did to her

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I think this woman is fine. I see nothing wrong with her.

You seem a little clingy for some reason. Work on that.

 

I dont think there is very much wrong with this woman to warrant the essay

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I think this woman is fine. I see nothing wrong with her.

You seem a little clingy for some reason. Work on that.

 

I dont think there is very much wrong with this woman to warrant the essay

 

 

I appreciate both of your responses. I am even willing to entertain the possibility that I am clingy even though I think that I am one of the last person this can pertain to but I am open to the possibility in this case but I really don't see where you could come up with that since I pretty much wrote about my observations dating with this woman. Lets say for argument sake that I am clingy, still I can't see how you can read "the essay" and believe nothing is wrong with how she behaves.

 

I am 40 years old, I have never been married, been dating since I was 16, have 2 adult children and I have a bad reputation of being afraid of commitment but not a player. I am not a player but my relationships generally used to end shortly after kids and marriage was mentioned. I have really been working on this for the past couple of years or so and I feel good that I am making progress.

 

From my dating experience, I find it unusual for a woman that you are in a relationship with, not calling you on the phone much, only sending texts, not initiating hand holding, not touching you much when you are with them, not wanting to lay all up on you after sex or really reaching in to kiss you at night but initiates dates with you consistently. These are just my observations. I have not insisted that she do any of these things nor have I brought them to her attention except for all of the texting. I am just too old to be having full conversations through text.

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todreaminblue

when you date a mother with daughters it is different...if the mother is a mother who cares about her daughter and the men who are part of both hers and her daughters life......

 

she asked you once again after obviously having the talk abut exclusivity if you were talking to anyone else......theres the issue.....she isnt sure of your fidelity or commitment level

 

taking on a family is a big deal and she didnt have a problem or is not bitter about her ex because she realizes he wasnt willing to take on a family..so she lost interest basically because he wasnt family orientated...i would feel the same..........it would turn me off a guy to know that he was only good for me but not my daughters as well...the guy i am with must be a role model a man they look up to who they can see treats em well and them well with respect and compassion..... ...i am flawed atrociously but my daughters love me and look up to me for the good qualities i have they are accepting....and i need a guy who deserves their respect...he can be flawed but not with beign a role model when they see how he treats others including me and also how he treats them there can be no flaws....they would see or know of... double standards...i am still raising my girls and tellign them how a man should eb or treat them and they have to see me stand by my owrds in my own relationships.......i would feel relief that it ended with a guy who wasnt family minded and be cautious and firm with what i want next time i dated a guy

 

 

 

understand her caution now however with you relates also to this taking on a family ....thats another issue....it is a big deal, commitment caution and firm understanding of responsibility needs to be had and not every guy has to take on a family or is suitable to be in a an instant family....its quite an adjustment....and adaptation from single to role model(father figure) and partner.....this woman has that responsibility firmly in mind i feel.... ....she is being cautious making sure you are committed and is holding back accordingly...she justt doesnt want sex ...so your relationship isnt building on frequency and sex related bonds...but a deeper level of commitment adn knowing who you are and how you relate to her and her daughter thing....you need to be ready and she is making sure you are.......this is my opinion.....talk to her be honest and open see where it goes question her, ask her what she feels then you will hopefully have your answer clear cut, if you dotn udnerstand what she says ask her to clarify........deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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I appreciate both of your responses. I am even willing to entertain the possibility that I am clingy even though I think that I am one of the last person this can pertain to but I am open to the possibility in this case but I really don't see where you could come up with that since I pretty much wrote about my observations dating with this woman. Lets say for argument sake that I am clingy, still I can't see how you can read "the essay" and believe nothing is wrong with how she behaves.

 

I am 40 years old, I have never been married, been dating since I was 16, have 2 adult children and I have a bad reputation of being afraid of commitment but not a player. I am not a player but my relationships generally used to end shortly after kids and marriage was mentioned. I have really been working on this for the past couple of years or so and I feel good that I am making progress.

 

From my dating experience, I find it unusual for a woman that you are in a relationship with, not calling you on the phone much, only sending texts, not initiating hand holding, not touching you much when you are with them, not wanting to lay all up on you after sex or really reaching in to kiss you at night but initiates dates with you consistently. These are just my observations. I have not insisted that she do any of these things nor have I brought them to her attention except for all of the texting. I am just too old to be having full conversations through text.

 

The thing is this is 2 months.

A lot of people dont get the BF/GF title in 2 months

So I dont think she's obligated to any hand holding, so therefore I think you are clingy, or a little too quick with the affection.

 

If this was 6 months down the road I might have thought differently

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The thing is this is 2 months.

A lot of people dont get the BF/GF title in 2 months

So I dont think she's obligated to any hand holding, so therefore I think you are clingy, or a little too quick with the affection.

 

If this was 6 months down the road I might have thought differently

 

 

I appreciate your input but I am getting the feeling that you didn't read my whole original post. I understand it is long so I am not holding it against you. Either that or you are misunderstanding me.

 

You say I am quick with the affection but no where did I write that I am showing affection or trying to hold her hand or anything. I used to have a big problem doing this stuff but the women I dated would always initiate this stuff except for one other woman I dated and the one I am currently dating so I thought it was unusual for typical behavior in both cases. I never said I was trying to do any of this but I am working on trying to do this stuff.

It's all good though. I am considering every thing here.

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Ah, the old hot and cold, push-pull behavior. She must not be that interested in a long-term relationship with you, the way she is hot n heavy with texts one minute, but then rebuffs your sexual advances the next. She used her daughter as an excuse that night. If she really wanted to have sex with you she would have. Don't let her string you along anymore, because her ambivalence about you, is what's causing her hot and cold behavior.

 

If you want to torture yourself, then stay with this woman, but I don't think she'll change and suddenly stop acting hot and cold. She's been this way towards you since you two met, so that's not a good sign in my opinion that she wants to really commit to you.

 

I mean, you've already addressed the issue with her about being exclusive, and yet her actions show you she's still not ready even if she says she is. So you already kind of have your answer: she won't commit to you. If she was ready to fully commit, the only hot and cold you'd feel would be from her home's automated air conditioning unit, and not from her.

 

Personally I wouldn't stick around. If a guy I like feels ambivalent about me and plays hot and cold, that's my cue to stop dating him.

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A woman can write those kind of text messages and stay in that moment without it necessarily carrying over to the next time you see each other. A guy grabs those images, stores them in his brain, and then retrieves them the next meeting ready to act it out. The real issue seems to be that within a single month the two of you were already having sex. Do you know what that does to a relationship at the beginning stages of development? Nothing good. It appears that there are some trust issues holding onto her from her previous relationships. The fact that you have two adult children but never a marriage may concern her as well. Women understand men better than men understand women (I am a man). Have you considered backing off of the physical involvement and seeing if a relationship can be built on something more lasting?

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Have you considered backing off of the physical involvement and seeing if a relationship can be built on something more lasting?

 

This is exactly what I am considering. Either this or backing off completely but I have backed off so many times in my life that I want to continue to try to work on it. Of course that would be risky. I am still working it out and all of the replies have been helpful with me working through this.

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The thing I would question would be her willingness to move across the country from her child's dad when he is very active and engaged in his daughter's life. That's not what you would call selfless decision making.

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Ah, the old hot and cold, push-pull behavior. She must not be that interested in a long-term relationship with you, the way she is hot n heavy with texts one minute, but then rebuffs your sexual advances the next. She used her daughter as an excuse that night. If she really wanted to have sex with you she would have. Don't let her string you along anymore, because her ambivalence about you, is what's causing her hot and cold behavior.

 

If you want to torture yourself, then stay with this woman, but I don't think she'll change and suddenly stop acting hot and cold. She's been this way towards you since you two met, so that's not a good sign in my opinion that she wants to really commit to you.

 

I mean, you've already addressed the issue with her about being exclusive, and yet her actions show you she's still not ready even if she says she is. So you already kind of have your answer: she won't commit to you. If she was ready to fully commit, the only hot and cold you'd feel would be from her home's automated air conditioning unit, and not from her.

 

Personally I wouldn't stick around. If a guy I like feels ambivalent about me and plays hot and cold, that's my cue to stop dating him.

 

 

Just to be clear, she has never actually rebuffed my sexual advances. If I undress her, she will allow it. She has never turned me down physically. She just almost never actually initiates it and the last time when I wanted to have sex with her she said her daughter was coming home soon. She called to confirm it and the person dropping her off said it would be in 10 minutes and 10 minutes later her daughter walked through the door. My confusion arise from the fact that we had set up the time to be alone supposedly and she set up the date so I was disappointed that she didn't work the alone time in for sex.

 

It could essentially mean a rebuff, I guess but I am tending to agree with your assessment of this because, one thing I have experienced in dating is that when a woman is really into you, they can't stop touching you and calling you. Those things used to make me want to run out into traffic and now I have someone is pretty much not doing this stuff and going hot and cold.

 

I looked at meeting her family and her introducing me to her daughter as positive signs but on paper, I am the kind of guy which makes it very easy for someone to introduce me to family right away. I realize that this does not automatically translate into actual infatuation towards me. If I am dating a congresswoman or FBI agent, it would be safe for me to introduce her to my family early vs. the local hairdresser. It doesn't necessarily mean I am more attracted to the congresswoman or FBI agent.

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The thing I would question would be her willingness to move across the country from her child's dad when he is very active and engaged in his daughter's life. That's not what you would call selfless decision making.

 

Great point. Love can make you do crazy things though and I guess the guy was really good to the daughter and her daughter was crazy about him. I am sure she thought he could potentially become her stepdad.

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Georgia2014

I honestly think she doesn't know what she wants. She probably wants to be in a relationship but she is probably afraid of getting hurt again. Every guy I have been with has used me. It makes me hard to trust the next guy. I always have a barrier up. My ex fiancée hurt me badly it would have taken longer to get over him if I hadn't had a barrier up to protect myself. It could be what she is doing. It's possible she could have this barrier up and doesn't realize it. It wasn't until my ex and I broke up that I realized how much of a barrier I had up. In the end I am glad I had the barrier up. I do know with the next guy it will take a lot longer to let my barrier down. I know it's not fair to the next guy but that's how I protect myself.

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I honestly think she doesn't know what she wants. She probably wants to be in a relationship but she is probably afraid of getting hurt again. Every guy I have been with has used me. It makes me hard to trust the next guy. I always have a barrier up. My ex fiancée hurt me badly it would have taken longer to get over him if I hadn't had a barrier up to protect myself. It could be what she is doing. It's possible she could have this barrier up and doesn't realize it. It wasn't until my ex and I broke up that I realized how much of a barrier I had up. In the end I am glad I had the barrier up. I do know with the next guy it will take a lot longer to let my barrier down. I know it's not fair to the next guy but that's how I protect myself.

 

 

I understand what you are doing and at times, I did it myself and hurt some people in the process with that barrier. My family sat by for years as I jumped from relationship to relationship, always avoiding commitment, and never introducing anyone to my parents. I realized that I had a barrier up and I also realized that I was losing out more.

 

Yeah I was protecting myself and called myself living the sweet ol bachelor life but I was losing out on true intimacy and the feeling of being swept away by a woman. I allowed myself to be swept away this time and it feels great and I did it probably one other time in my life without worrying about consequences but, unfortunately, both times it created a situation where the woman didn't seem as into me as I was into them. The other time it happened and I walked away from the relationship, the woman spent the following 3 years trying to get me back but that barrier was back up and strong. I have a feeling the same thing is going to happen if I just walk away from this.

 

I can't keep walking away forever. I figure that at some point in time, I have to learn to make a relationship work rather than taking the easy way out all the time. Although my instincts say just walk away, a part of me want to see if I can actually make it work somehow. It would make me feel more human and less like a robot who can't develop strong feelings for someone.

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Great point. Love can make you do crazy things though and I guess the guy was really good to the daughter and her daughter was crazy about him. I am sure she thought he could potentially become her stepdad.

 

Well, regardless of whether or not she thought the new guy would be a great step-dad, it's doubtful she had any legal right to move her daughter away. You have to go through the courts for that stuff, and unless the girl's father was totally negligent or abusive, no judge would allow that to happen.

 

The point is, for me, if I heard that, I would take a step back and do some serious character evaluation. As a parent, your decisions need to be made first on what's best for your kid, not what's best for you.

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The real issue seems to be that within a single month the two of you were already having sex. Do you know what that does to a relationship at the beginning stages of development? Nothing good.

 

That's sort of a myth. The best relationship I ever had started out as a FWB. The worst relationship I had started out the 'right' way.

 

There's no right or wrong way to build a relationship, as two people in a relationship represent two individuals, and what matters is not the timeline of affection but the overall compatibility of those two individual people. And what works perfectly for two people can be a disaster for two other people.

 

And, BTW....Go Green.

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Ah, the old hot and cold, push-pull behavior. She must not be that interested in a long-term relationship with you, the way she is hot n heavy with texts one minute, but then rebuffs your sexual advances the next. She used her daughter as an excuse that night. If she really wanted to have sex with you she would have. Don't let her string you along anymore, because her ambivalence about you, is what's causing her hot and cold behavior.

 

If you want to torture yourself, then stay with this woman, but I don't think she'll change and suddenly stop acting hot and cold. She's been this way towards you since you two met, so that's not a good sign in my opinion that she wants to really commit to you.

 

I mean, you've already addressed the issue with her about being exclusive, and yet her actions show you she's still not ready even if she says she is. So you already kind of have your answer: she won't commit to you. If she was ready to fully commit, the only hot and cold you'd feel would be from her home's automated air conditioning unit, and not from her.

 

Personally I wouldn't stick around. If a guy I like feels ambivalent about me and plays hot and cold, that's my cue to stop dating him.

 

And the OP is has been putting up with it for two months.

I've done it myself when freshly divorced & dating.

The women were extremely hot so like a fool I stuck around being the BF without benefits.

 

Now a days I actually lose interest in a woman if she isn't excited to see me & WANTS to sleep with me.

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Yeah the more I think about it the more I am accepting the fact that she is just stringing me along and probably doesn't know what she wants. I have been thinking about what is the best way to handle it. There were quite a few good positives about the relationship so it sucks that the most important ingredient is missing.

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Yeah the more I think about it the more I am accepting the fact that she is just stringing me along and probably doesn't know what she wants. I have been thinking about what is the best way to handle it. There were quite a few good positives about the relationship so it sucks that the most important ingredient is missing.

 

If I were in this situation I would move on. My ex and I had good times together but something was missing. Now I know it's the for the best we broke up. I would suggest instead of worrying what you are to her is to spend your time looking for someone who wants to see you as much as you want to see her.

 

That is what I am doing. I like a friend of mine more than as a friend but I know he doesn't feel the same. So instead of thinking why he doesn't feel the same I am on a dating site looking for someone who will like me as much as I do him. Sure it's lonely but it will be worth it when I meet the right guy.

Edited by Georgia2014
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If I were in this situation I would move on. My ex and I had good times together but something was missing. Now I know it's the for the best we broke up. I would suggest instead of worrying what you are to her is to spend your time looking for someone who wants to see you as much as you want to see her.

 

That is what I am doing. I like a friend of mine more than as a friend but I know he doesn't feel the same. So instead of thinking why he doesn't feel the same I am on a dating site looking for someone who will like me as much as I do him. Sure it's lonely but it will be worth it when I meet the right guy.

 

 

See, that's my whole point here and what has difficult for me yo get across here. My GF is the one that's inviting me out on dates. Ninety percent or so of the times we do something it is her who is plans it or puts it together. Now she tells me she loves me. I care for her but I don't love her. What had me wondering was why does she keep doing things such as taking me out on expensive dates and cooking me big, really nice dinners but runs hot and cold.

 

I was just trying to figure this out and throw it out there for some objective opinions. I am starting to get a strong feeling on what may be going on here now since I started this post.

 

I really hate to throw yet another relationship away. I always find am excuse to break up with someone. Even my mother and my beat friend are starting to say that I am the problem. They say that I am simply a commitment phobe. I now agree with them. I just don't want this to be a commitment phobia breakup vs. Something that really should not be pursued.

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