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Am I settling or is the grass greener?


avoforastig

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avoforastig

Since I started OLD about a year ago, I've noticed it seems to have an effect on me I like to call the "grass is always greener." For instance, I'm dating a girl with an outstanding personality who I click with on a personality level really well. However, her physical appearance is pretty average at best. Now, every time I meet a beautiful woman I start having second thoughts about the girl I'm dating. It makes me feel shallow, guilty, and wonder if I could do better. I've been out with a lot of different women over the past year.

 

Is this a normal thought process? How do you know if your settling vs. following the pipe dream of the grass is always greener? Any tips or others get the same feelings? Should I look for someone more physically attractive?

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Philosoraptor

As you mature you will be able to see people as their entirety. When you find the right person you won't have thoughts if there is someone better. You will still appreciate the looks and personalities of others... but you won't question your current partner.

 

Nothing you're doing is abnormal. Just continue to grow and figure out what qualities are most important to you in a partner.

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scooby-philly

I agree with raptor - as you age, if your are emotionally and mentally "normal", you start taking in the whole package. I'm 33 - my ex-fiancee was not "smoking hot" if you want to compare her to the "standard" definition of beauty - but I thought she was hot to trot and loved a lot of little things about her. No that I'm single again it's still the same - I'll see an attractive or "hot" woman but it's a lot quicker for me to say "pass" when I interact with them. So no - nothing is wrong with what you're experiencing. On top of what we just describe, there's also the factor of buyer's remorse - not to use such a crude term, but it happens - once you get heavily involved with someone there will be times that you compare them with others, as you compare yourself with others - in terms of height, weight, attractiveness, whiteness of teeth, humor,etc. The issue is if you find yourself stuck on the same thing, over and over again and it takes you a long time to stop the fixation, that will be a problem you need to address and figure out what's giong on in your mind.

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So - quick question - do you consider yourself "pretty average"? Everyone notices beauty, no need to lie about that, but there is a big difference between noticing a beautiful woman and feeling unsatisfied with the one that you are with. There will always be someone more attractive than the person you are with, but that doesn't have to produce feelings of "settling". I have heard some good advice about what to base a decision for marriage on. "Don't marry the person you think you can live with, but marry the person you can't live without." Sounds like good advice to me.

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I have been online dating for about a 1.5 years and I can honestly say the woman the I went out with last night was the first girl I was sexually attracted to. I have tried to date girls where I didn't sense that physical or sexual attraction hoping it would grow after several dates, but then I realize there was zip going inside my stomach after the third or fourth date.

 

I would measure your feelings after each date with this girl. How long have you been seeing this girl? Are you feelings escalating? If you click so well together, then she should at the very least start becoming more physically attractive to you.

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Just because you consider someone hot doesn't mean they'll be a nice gf or person. Settling is settling for someone you can't have a conversation with, someone who couldn't care less about you, someone you can't trust. Just because a person is hot doesn't mean they are better.

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Dear avoforastig

 

Taking into account that you are only dating doesn't mean that you have to marry this girl. What you don't see as physical beauty in her, some other guys will and being that she has a wonderful personality she would be some guys dream girl.

 

You are not doing her or yourself any service if you are not entirely honest with your feelings towards her. Everyone has a set of criteria that they want in a partner and these should be met if they want to live a happy life. She wouldn't want a guy who only thinks of her as a butterface. She wants a guy who is completely committed to her and not someone who continously questions her appearance behind her back.

 

Be honest with your feelings and have the guts to do what is right for the both of you. Give yourselves the chance to find the right person who fullfills all your needs.

 

Regards - Bud

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Asking myself if the grass is greener has cost me a few good relationships. Now I realize the grass was just green enough yet I was too foolish to realize that.

 

Sometimes it's not better we seek, but different. This is where commitment comes in and it's not as bad as I thought.

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Honestly, physical beauty is the least important thing. If someone looks "decent" or "average" and they have an amazing personality, then that is the most important thing. You will get bored with someone that is "smoking hot" with a personality which doesn't fit well with yours after a while. With any relationship, after the infatuation stage, or the honey moon phase, a lot of people mistake being comfortable with their partner or being "bored". Having someone by your side that you get along with personality wise, and with chemistry is priceless. Never throw that away just because someone else is physically attractive. When you are mature you will understand that there's not much of a difference when it comes to bodies, and you you will realize that a good personality is priceless.

Edited by marcjb
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Honestly, physical beauty is the least important thing. If someone looks "decent" or "average" and they have an amazing personality, then that is the most important thing. You will get bored with someone that is "smoking hot" with a personality which doesn't fit well with yours after a while. With any relationship, after the infatuation stage, or the honey moon phase, a lot of people mistake being comfortable with their partner or being "bored". Having someone by your side that you get along with personality wise, and with chemistry is priceless. Never throw that away just because someone else is physically attractive. When you are mature you will understand that there's not much of a difference when it comes to bodies, and you you will realize that a good personality is priceless.

 

I agree, not that I ever really got the smokin hot type but I've talked to them, and I can tell you that there is absolutely nothing in their head.

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Is this a normal thought process? How do you know if your settling vs. following the pipe dream of the grass is always greener? Any tips or others get the same feelings? Should I look for someone more physically attractive?

 

You aren't alone. I'm guessing there are quite a few out there who treat online dating as if they were at a buffet, treating these dates like they are trying out different exotic dishes, just because they can.

 

I'm not out to judge you, but to be quite honest, "trying out" like I just described is draining to the people on these dating site with different goals, such as wanting to find a relationship. I myself tried online dating back 4 years ago when my ex wife abruptly ended the marriage, and did me the best favor, gave me the greatest gift, by leaving. I got everything.... not to mention the freedom that comes with being divorced and extracted from a toxic marriage. Being the anti-social man that I am, online dating was an excellent resource. However, I became very burned out by going out with women who had the same attitude as you described. They acted interested, we go out on several dates, hang out, and they about face once someone else appears on the buffet that they want to "try out." And there you are wondering what the hell you did....

 

I met a girl who was 15 years younger, extremely shy, short (5' 0") and adorable. She was exactly the type of personality I always found attractive, yet those types of girls were always in relationships. I managed to get her to go on a couple dates before I convinced her to become my girlfriend. We've been together 3 years and counting. I feel very lucky, but the moral of the story is that I feel fortunate that she didn't have that attitude that the other girls had, and you have. She wanted the same thing as I did.

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This is not true love and yes you are settling.

Not because she is not beautiful enough, no.

 

but because once you are truly in love, you will see beautiful girls and just appreciate their beauty, not saying to your self, I could do better and what a shame ...

 

It will hurt me badly to know a guy I am with, thinks he is settling just because there are other girls who are more beautiful than me ..I know there are other girls who are beautiful than me, we all know there are other people who are much attractive than us ... There are now almost millions who are much handsome than you are and much beautiful than your girlfriends. This is a reality that can't be altered or changed ..

I will feel better once this guy just leaves and stop doing this to me ..

Edited by Noproblem
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I agree, not that I ever really got the smokin hot type but I've talked to them, and I can tell you that there is absolutely nothing in their head.

 

Generalizing much :)

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Since I started OLD about a year ago, I've noticed it seems to have an effect on me I like to call the "grass is always greener." For instance, I'm dating a girl with an outstanding personality who I click with on a personality level really well. However, her physical appearance is pretty average at best. Now, every time I meet a beautiful woman I start having second thoughts about the girl I'm dating. It makes me feel shallow, guilty, and wonder if I could do better. I've been out with a lot of different women over the past year.

 

Is this a normal thought process? How do you know if your settling vs. following the pipe dream of the grass is always greener? Any tips or others get the same feelings? Should I look for someone more physically attractive?

 

Here's the thing.

 

 

Sometimes the grass IS greener.

 

 

But there's a difference between "doing better" because that's what you think you're supposed to do, and "doing better" because that's what you really want, in terms of someone more attractive.

 

Keep in mind, if all you want is someone to look at...the world is FULL of beautiful women. They will always be there to be visibly beautiful, whether they're with you or not.

 

If what you want is someone more physically attractive, then that's what you want. Do some serious thinking about it.

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