Jump to content

Coping with depression of someone I am dating now


Recommended Posts

I joined this forum almost a year back, when my ex broke up with me. I was shattered but after reaching out to forums, others advises, I moved on and led a great single life and spent time for myself for long.

 

Very recently, I started seeing someone, its been more than 2 months. When we started going around, he told me he had the history of depression and have been suffering for a while. But things were great till now until last week, he started to show weird signs. I was thinking may be because he met someone else and is trying to ignore me. So end of last week, we spent sometime and talked about it. He told me that he started seeing signs of depression again in his life and he just needs only 2 things from me: 1. Lot of Patience 2. Little bit of understanding. When he told me that, i was completely convinced that I could deal with it and support him by all means

 

But since early this week, he does not respond to my messages and kept saying he needs sometime and does not want to meet me as well. Everyday I make sure I send some supportive messages reminding him I am there for him. But no response whatsoever. Its so weird for me, because he is fine with his friends and goes out with them I guess. But completely ignored me the whole week. Now, I am really not sure if he is avoiding me because of someone else or if its really his depression. I am not able to ignore him completely as well, because if its really depression I don't want to be a brutal gal who just ignored him. But he never responds to me as well. I am so damn confused and feels my life is quite messy. After recovery from a terrible break up last time, going through something like is just hurting me.

 

Any thoughts or piece of advise what I should in this case, if i continue messaging him or just don't do anything ? :( :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
melodicintention

Don't ignore him, but I would recommend you cease dating this person. They are obviously not in a healthy state of mind nor ready to deal with the complexities of a relationship. I would move on, if this person contact you explain you will be a friend and thats it but that you aren't going to be ignored or made to worry. I understand being depressed, but it's not an excuse to make you worry.

 

:)Take care of yourself first.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Don't ignore him, but I would recommend you cease dating this person. They are obviously not in a healthy state of mind nor ready to deal with the complexities of a relationship. I would move on, if this person contact you explain you will be a friend and thats it but that you aren't going to be ignored or made to worry. I understand being depressed, but it's not an excuse to make you worry.

 

:)Take care of yourself first.

 

That's true. I am not able to ignore him and that's the reason, I keep asking him if he is going out or doing something for the evening but he never responds me. No clue what should I do. I really didn't wish I get thro' this. The first 2 months were great and now its completely upside down... I feel just helpless and sad that its bothering me and impacting me

Link to post
Share on other sites
Philosoraptor

Well I was fine until you said he's going out with his friends but not responding to you. Are you sure he's making time to go out and have fun with them or is that just your assumption?

 

I think you have more investigating to do as going cold on you while staying warm in other areas of his life doesn't bode well for your future.

 

If the above is correct I'd simply let him know that you want to support him but need him to respond to your support in some way so you know he is safe. As it's not fair to you to keep trying but receive nothing but static when you are truly worried for him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Well I was fine until you said he's going out with his friends but not responding to you. Are you sure he's making time to go out and have fun with them or is that just your assumption?

 

I think you have more investigating to do as going cold on you while staying warm in other areas of his life doesn't bode well for your future.

 

If the above is correct I'd simply let him know that you want to support him but need him to respond to your support in some way so you know he is safe. As it's not fair to you to keep trying but receive nothing but static when you are truly worried for him.

 

Thanks a lot for your reply. It really matters me a lot now. Well, him going out is just my assumption. He never said anything. So i finally asked him if he is really safe or whats going and admitted that I really don't know what to do whether should mesg or not.. I got a reply saying "I really want you leave me. I will be in touch" and I just responded back "Sorry for overwhelming and it was just hurting but will wait until he mesges me or when he wants to meet me.. "

 

I just don't know what to do after this... I feel so lost

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would break up with him. I mean I have a best friend who suffers from depression at times and it's a strange beast. But if he can't communicate with you, and is making you upset I just don't think he is in a space to be in a relationship. Remember this has nothing to do with you.

 

And clearly if he can't handle communicating with you when he feels depressed then you aren't helping him in this moment (because he won't allow it). So there is nothing you can do.

 

Just break up

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I would break up with him. I mean I have a best friend who suffers from depression at times and it's a strange beast. But if he can't communicate with you, and is making you upset I just don't think he is in a space to be in a relationship. Remember this has nothing to do with you.

 

And clearly if he can't handle communicating with you when he feels depressed then you aren't helping him in this moment (because he won't allow it). So there is nothing you can do.

 

Just break up

 

Hmm Yes Kassy. Finally I admitted to him that I really don't know what to do and I agree that.. he msged me saying.. "You really need to leave me and i will be in touch.." I replied back saying " Sorry for bombarding him mesges and will wait to see when he wanna mesg me again and meet me again.. "... I think this is it.. Not all good things stay longer I guess. Its really hurting once I start to think about it. I think i have to let it go, just didn't expect things to end this way..

 

He told me last time when he was going thro depression, the gal he was seeing was not patient and left him nowhere which added up. So I assumed he wants both me and him to work on this together but its a pity that he does not even communicate with me and it seems i m of no help to him, which is making me very upset....

Edited by kansub
Link to post
Share on other sites

Depressed people have a tendency to push others away. It stems from a self protective place but is the worst thing they can do

 

However, you are his GF of a few months, not his shrink or his wife. At this early point all you can do is what he asks -- back off.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would not date someone with chronic depression. You probably did not know what you were getting yourself into when you started dating him, now you know. It's just been 2 months, time to abort. You want a boyfriend to enhance your life not to make it miserable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
learning_slowly

If he has depression and is pushing you away and it is making you unhappy, I don't think he's in a position to expect anything from you.

 

Usually people with depression turn to the closest ones to them to help them through it. This sounds suspicious to me.

 

I would let him know you can be there as a friend, but its not the type of romantic relationship you want.

 

This way you are free to meet somebody better suited to you. Do you really want to wait around for him for a week?

 

You should expect better and if you don't demand it, you won't get it.

 

But its your life so you have to make these choices yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So I have an update. He messaged me in the morning saying he does not want to see me anymore and want to break up. He does not want me in the whole process and he has qualified closer friends who can help him in a better way. I am just hurt and it shattered. I cried and cried and cried. Not just this break up but he looked in a very pitiful state. He told me he is not happy with me. He said, he does not have that level of feelings for me and he has been thinking through this for this week when he is numb and in depression

 

How can someone take a proper decision when they are numb and depressed ?

 

Didn't know depression is so much tougher than what we normally think.. I am now so scared of any relship and love. I am just scared. I can't get beaten everytimeee and its just that not working out for me...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So I have an update. He messaged me in the morning saying he does not want to see me anymore and want to break up. He does not want me in the whole process and he has qualified closer friends who can help him in a better way. I am just hurt and it shattered. I cried and cried and cried. Not just this break up but he looked in a very pitiful state. He told me he is not happy with me. He said, he does not have that level of feelings for me and he has been thinking through this for this week when he is numb and in depression

 

How can someone take a proper decision when they are numb and depressed ?

 

Didn't know depression is so much tougher than what we normally think.. I am now so scared of any relship and love. I am just scared. I can't get beaten everytimeee and its just that not working out for me...

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is tricky. A part of me feels he's been using the depression as a lame excuse to get rid of you.

But I won't get into that...

 

However it amazes me how he was able to somehow twist things around and somehow make you feel ****ty about yourself…

 

You aren't responsible for other people's mental health. He tells you he isn't happy with you. If he is depressed, he isn't happy, period.

 

Also, while it's true depressed people push others away, it's no reason to ignore you for weeks and ultimately break up with you telling you he didn't have feelings for you.

Just sayin'...

Link to post
Share on other sites
So I have an update. He messaged me in the morning saying he does not want to see me anymore and want to break up. He does not want me in the whole process and he has qualified closer friends who can help him in a better way. I am just hurt and it shattered. I cried and cried and cried. Not just this break up but he looked in a very pitiful state. He told me he is not happy with me. He said, he does not have that level of feelings for me and he has been thinking through this for this week when he is numb and in depression

 

How can someone take a proper decision when they are numb and depressed ?

 

Didn't know depression is so much tougher than what we normally think.. I am now so scared of any relship and love. I am just scared. I can't get beaten everytimeee and its just that not working out for me...

 

I am very sorry you are hurting. His depression apart this was not a nice person. Depression does not automatically make you an a-hole, mean, and inconsiderate. He did you a favor, allow yourself a few days to be sad then move on, 2 months is just that 2 months, it's not going to reshape your life.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

It doesn't matter if he's capable of what you view as a proper decision. Until ruled incompetent by a court -- which he is not -- it's still his decision. He made it.

 

Somewhere in his mind he's saying that you are better off without him. He's right.

 

Move on to somebody who is not battling these demons.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Its so weird for me, because he is fine with his friends and goes out with them I guess. But completely ignored me the whole week. Now, I am really not sure if he is avoiding me because of someone else or if its really his depression.:confused::(:mad:

 

I would be confused too. There may be some depression involved but the above simply says to me that he doesn't want to be with you right now or as often. He wants to be with people who make him feel better. His interest may be waning, unfortunately...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes i complete agree with each one of you... He didn't even consider me to be closer to him or his closest friend. It just killed me when he told, for support he has better qualified and closer people around him. After all this, as you said, I am not taking it personal at all. I am just thinking its not the guy whom I met but 'depression' inside him speaking.

 

I could only wish for a quick recovery for him. I don't even know why these guys are up for dating when they have such medical condition. It may sound rude but he kept saying, I should not wait for him because he has had similar breaks up in the past, when he broke up his long term GF coz of depression. Its a pattern, seems like it.

 

Yes its 2 months, but he sounded very nice guy. I have a feeling now, may be life is unfair to me. After my previous ex, it took me 8 months to recover, may be I should stuck to my single life rather than started dating someone. May be love is just not my cup of tea

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes I completely agree. May be he used depression as a way to end things up.

 

Today when i looked into his profile in dating site, I just realized he has logged in to the dating site at midnight. I was super shocked. I think now its my problem to blindly believe and trust people for whatever they say Or they know my weakness that I trust everyone so easily and taking advantage of it

 

With that said, before I saw him in dating site, I sent an email to him giving all doc details in the city with theraphy session details. Its just hurting that's all. After I saw the dating site thing, I think its time to end and stop contact with him once for all. I told him may be i am so stupid to look thngs for him when he was online on the dating site . Anyways, I think its over

Link to post
Share on other sites

My ex broke up with me because of his depression. He showed signs earlier in the relationship saying that I should leave him because he didn't deserve me, including somewhat of a meltdown. I tried to be supportive towards the end, but it wasn't up to me.

The good thing? He broke up with me. I was a bit too smitten to realise that he wasn't able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

He doesn't want your help? The entire situation sucks, but unfortunately the best advise I can give is cut your losses and run. If he's not getting professional help, there's nothing you can do. Hopefully the next one you meet is in a right mental state in order to have a healthy relationship with you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
Yes I completely agree. May be he used depression as a way to end things up.

 

Today when i looked into his profile in dating site, I just realized he has logged in to the dating site at midnight. I was super shocked. I think now its my problem to blindly believe and trust people for whatever they say Or they know my weakness that I trust everyone so easily and taking advantage of it

 

With that said, before I saw him in dating site, I sent an email to him giving all doc details in the city with theraphy session details. Its just hurting that's all. After I saw the dating site thing, I think its time to end and stop contact with him once for all. I told him may be i am so stupid to look thngs for him when he was online on the dating site . Anyways, I think its over

 

It is over, sweetie. He ended it.

 

As someone above said, depression doesn't automatically make someone a disrespectful and unkind person. I also can't help but wonder how much of this is truly a reflection of a depressed state, and how much is him using this as an excuse when he no longer wants to be in a relationship.

 

In any event, you need to stop contacting him now. Focus your energy on healing yourself. This person wasn't in any place to be in a relationship, and you were fortunate enough to discover that after just two months. It will hurt for a little bit, but you will be better for it in the long run.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...