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Boyfriend can't get over my sexual past, and I can't get over his?


Sunshine_11

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Sunshine_11

I met my boyfriend a year ago, and we decided NOT to discuss our pasts. However, he did tell me that he got married and divorced. That was that, and we were happy. About a month ago, however, our pasts started to surface. And we seemed to have problems because we weren't aware of each other's history. As a result, we both decided to share our pasts. We didn't discuss anything in detail, however, it became explicit that I (yes, me only - I didn't care to know his history) had intimate and sexual relations in the past.

 

Since then, my 'past' has been driving my boyfriend absolutely insane! It's been affecting my boyfriend to the point that he has even CRIED! He says he's going crazy, feels depressed, and isn't enjoying life ever since he found out about my past.

 

He says he also realizes he's being hypocritical.

 

Well, today, he ALSO ended up telling me about his sexual history. And now I feel like I'm in the EXACT same boat as him!

 

I don't understand this at all.

 

Why the heck are we going insane over all this, when WE BOTH have pasts we aren't proud of.

 

I feel sick about his past, and he feels sick about mine.

 

I feel like we're both going crazy.

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You both seem obsessive and insecure.

 

If you guys continue to obess over something that has no relevance to your relationship now you're going to ruin the relationship entirely from both being crazy.

 

Go see someone together

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I don't get it. If you guys both have problematic pasts should you be empathetic with each other?

 

In a normal relationship yes normally couples can share the past and have the other be that way, or some couples dont like to talk about the past but they have the conversation at least once without any damage.

 

I think its clear they're both insecure in the relationship because they're worried about people each have been with pior to even meeting each other that's a jealously that is out of control.

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Sunshine_11
I don't get it. If you guys both have problematic pasts should you be empathetic with each other?

 

We don't have problematic pasts. We both can't get over the fact that the other has been intimate + sexually involved with someone prior to us.

 

I knew he was married, so I knew he had a past, but I ignored it and never thought about it.

 

However, he recently starting discussing his past as well. And I realized I feel the same way he does about my sexual past. He can't stop thinking about my past... and in the process of us trying to solve that and figure what to do, I've started to obsess about his past as well now!

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Sunshine_11
In a normal relationship yes normally couples can share the past and have the other be that way, or some couples dont like to talk about the past but they have the conversation at least once without any damage.

 

I think its clear they're both insecure in the relationship because they're worried about people each have been with pior to even meeting each other that's a jealously that is out of control.

 

I agree.

 

We were both happy as long as we didn't KNOW anything about each other's past. We were aware of it, but we acted like we were always each other's first in regards to everything.

 

But I feel like we're done ignoring that now. And we FINALLY realize, hey! We're not each other's first! We're both insecure, we both have low-self esteem, and we both compare ourselves with each other A LOT.

 

Our pasts are driving each other absolutely insane.

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Most of the time, it is just not a good idea to provide any sort of details about yours sexual past to your partner, especially young men. I would avoid it. I generally have a don't ask don't tell policy when it comes to dating although a woman's sexual past really don't bother me any more. 15 years ago it did but not now.

 

From what you have revealed, I am almost certain that the information will put a heavy strain on your relationship and likely eventually kill it down the line. If you guys are in your 20s, I strongly feel that you may not be able to recover from the information. You will probably recover better than your boyfriend.

 

Next time, you don't have to lie about your sexua lpast, just don't discuss it in detail. Due it for the sake of the relationship.

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Sunshine_11

We did not discuss our sexual pasts in detail.

 

I merely give him a timeline of the guys I've been with, and how long the relationships lasted. As for him, I only knew he was married at one point.

 

He kept getting more and more curious and disturbed over time (without even knowing whether I had sexual relations with these other men or not) He kept asking things, and I kept telling him things, hoping that it would make him feel better. Then I finally told him that yes, I have done things in the past, and have been sexually active (is that too much detail?)

 

Likewise, he said he has also been sexually active (well duh, he was married!) but is still having a hard time knowing I've been sexually active as well.

 

When he explicitly stated him being sexually active, it started making me SUPER uncomfortable (yes, I knew it all along, but it didn't hit me until he said it - in the same way as it didn't hit him until I explicitly SAID it as well)

 

We're both in our mid 20's. He got married very young - and so it ended very young as well.

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Thegreatestthing

You needed sex before you met him,he needed sex before you met him ,I don't see the big deal.

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We did not discuss our sexual pasts in detail.

 

I merely give him a timeline of the guys I've been with, and how long the relationships lasted. As for him, I only knew he was married at one point.

 

He kept getting more and more curious and disturbed over time (without even knowing whether I had sexual relations with these other men or not) He kept asking things, and I kept telling him things, hoping that it would make him feel better. Then I finally told him that yes, I have done things in the past, and have been sexually active (is that too much detail?)

 

Likewise, he said he has also been sexually active (well duh, he was married!) but is still having a hard time knowing I've been sexually active as well.

 

When he explicitly stated him being sexually active, it started making me SUPER uncomfortable (yes, I knew it all along, but it didn't hit me until he said it - in the same way as it didn't hit him until I explicitly SAID it as well)

 

We're both in our mid 20's. He got married very young - and so it ended very young as well.

 

 

Just don't tell a guy in his 20s too much about your sexual past. There are exceptions but you don't want to gamble finding out which ones are the exceptions. Sounds like you probably want to stay away from this information as well. The don't ask don't tell policy saves your sanity in relationships.

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Well, past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior... but as long as neither of you keep your past around in the present or the future, it shouldn't be a huge deal.

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bubbaganoosh

Both of you are getting bent out of shape for what. You had a boyfriend in the past and were intimate? He had a wife and it's pretty obvious the had sex so they were intimate.

 

It's a different thing if you were making porn three time a week and selling it, same for him.

 

Your both human, you both have needs and you both adult so either you guys stop looking at each other like you and him walk on water in each others eyes or your both going to screw up a nice, up to this point relationship.

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Grumpybutfun

Break up and wait until you both grow up to have a relationship. This sounds like high school immaturity. If he is that insecure, your entire life and behaviors from day to day will be on tract to set him off. This is ridiculous, I can't even imagine how young and immature I would have to have been to be this insecure and dramatic over something that is normal and healthy like past intimate relationships. Go volunteer for a domestic violence shelter, an animal shelter or a rape crisis center for some perspective on what to get upset about and take your juvenile bf with you.

There are reall problems in the world,

Grumps

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I figured you guys were young.

 

My ex-wife and I went through the same thing. To keep the story short, the fear, insecurity, jealousy and whatever else we were feeling destroyed our marriage.

 

Now, when I look back on it, those things weren't as important as we made them. I'm sure she feels the same way.

 

I'm not sure how you guys get over how you're feeling because I failed at it so many years ago. I do think it's critically important for both of you to learn to deal with what you're feeling in a positive manner though. In a positive manner that strengthens your relationship rather than weakening it. Builds trust and respect. Maybe counseling will help.

 

I believe that if you guys can work through this and come out loving, trusting, respecting and appreciating each other, then you'll probably be able to face almost anything together.

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Genetalia should be surgically removed upon leaving your first lover so things like this don't happen.

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Smilecharmer

This is so bizarre for people in their twenties. I kept thinking you must be teenagers in high school until you mentioned a marriage. Maybe take a break to see if living apart is better for your anxiety because of the lack of being able to control each other's past. Sounds exhausting to be this controlling.

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Miss Awesome
I knew he was married, so I knew he had a past, but I ignored it and never thought about it.

 

 

Riddle me this:

 

 

Did you actually learn anything new about his past, or did this experience just force you to finally stop pretending he didn't have a past?

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