How to build rapport after sex with someone I met online?

[BBR84]

Man. Things got physical and now it’s semi-complicated things.

 

Cliffs Notes Version:

I met a girl online (Tinder), we got physical early, we’ve been on three dates and hung out two other times. She’s been super chatty via text and phone for the most part.

 

We talked this morning after we had sex and both agreed that our communication dynamic isn’t quite there. Initially the communication dynamic seemed to be there but maybe having sex early and the fact that we met online (and otherwise know nothing about each other) are making things weird?

 

She stated clearly this morning that she wants a relationship and doesn’t want to keep doing physical stuff because that only builds attachment and makes it difficult to tell whether or not you really like someone. I do agree with that for the most part.

 

We both agree that we like each other, that the physical attraction is there, and that we should hang out a little more and see if it’s worth exploring further. I'm sure we'll both be seeing other people if the opportunity is there in the process.

 

I really like her and want to continue to get to know her but not sure the best way to do that given the circumstances. Group hangouts? Daytime dates (i.e. thrift store shopping, going to the dog park, etc)? Any specific, creative ways you all have used to build rapport without constantly falling back to physical?

 

I texted her today mid-day and she took a little longer to respond than usual (usually immediate) and it was a nice, but short reply. I know she had a busy day but the past couple days she was blowing me up via text all throughout the day and nothing today.

 

She’s going to her cousin’s wedding tomorrow and will be gone for 4 days. Should I send any light texts during that time or just wait until she gets back and set something up?

 

One of my fears is a girl liking me out of convenience (and me not knowing this to be the case). This girl is 31 and has already mentioned her biological clock and that she has given up on finding a Jewish man...

[torturedartist]

I just had an epiphany while reading your OP. When you have to try so hard to have a relationship with someone, as in your case... I mean, if you really liked her, you'd be wanting to hang out with her all the time, wouldn't you? Come on.

 

I think you're trying to settle here. I think you like the sex and are trying to like the provider as well. Maybe so you won't be labeled as one of those guys who's just after sex.

 

When two people really like each other they want to spend all their time together, and sex just fits in there, at some point. Maybe at many points. The point is that sex is not the main point. It's a nice bonus to an arrangement where two people really enjoy each other's company.

 

It's not happening that way in your situation, and if you have to come here and as ask for advice as to how to make it be that way, it's probably not meant to be that way.

 

Be honest and just tell her you're in the for the sex. I'd say there's a decent chance she's in it for nothing more than the sex, same as you.

[Mike B.]

I just had an epiphany while reading your OP. When you have to try so hard to have a relationship with someone, as in your case... I mean, if you really liked her, you'd be wanting to hang out with her all the time, wouldn't you? Come on.

 

I think you're trying to settle here. I think you like the sex and are trying to like the provider as well. Maybe so you won't be labeled as one of those guys who's just after sex.

 

When two people really like each other they want to spend all their time together, and sex just fits in there, at some point. Maybe at many points. The point is that sex is not the main point. It's a nice bonus to an arrangement where two people really enjoy each other's company.

 

It's not happening that way in your situation, and if you have to come here and as ask for advice as to how to make it be that way, it's probably not meant to be that way.

 

Be honest and just tell her you're in the for the sex. I'd say there's a decent chance she's in it for nothing more than the sex, same as you.

 

 

Agree with every thing here except for that last paragraph. Not saying it's wrong. Just saying that I would do that part different. I would not announce it and just continue to have sex. There is a lot of sexual tension here and you two already had sex. You can never undo the sex so why suppress the tension? Have sex and enjoy yourselves.

 

I had a date over last week and she said it was only our second time together and she didn't want me to get the wrong impression of her by having sex too soon. I told her I don't base someone's character on when she has sex with me. She can make me wait for 2 years and still drown a baby in the toilet afterward. The next time she came over we had ferocious sex and we did it again the next time after that. It may turn into a relationship or it may not. All I know is that we are having a great time and so should you.

[FitChick]

Just use birth control since she has told you she is desperate to get pregnant by anyone. Don't believe her if she tells you she is on the pill. Always bring a condom or box of Encare ovals or contraceptive foam or gel. Make it into part of your foreplay.

[Cunning_Linguist]

I'd say first of all, communicate exactly how you feel and manage expectations. This is key. By managing expectations, communicate exactly what you expect and your feelings on the "relationship". This insures no assumptions are made, no feelings hurt.

 

Seems like you did this, but I'd reinforce it next time you talk. It sounds like she is vetting guys for a long term relationship, while you are open to it, but not eager to commit early.

 

To build rapport? Normal stuff. Text her how you enjoyed hanging out with her. Set up a date that doesn't involve sex until afterwards. Call her. Open up to her about something in your life.

[BBR84]

I'd say first of all, communicate exactly how you feel and manage expectations. This is key. By managing expectations, communicate exactly what you expect and your feelings on the "relationship". This insures no assumptions are made, no feelings hurt.

 

Seems like you did this, but I'd reinforce it next time you talk. It sounds like she is vetting guys for a long term relationship, while you are open to it, but not eager to commit early.

 

Can you please elaborate on what you meant by "manage expectations"?

Should I bring up communication type, frequency, physical intimacy, etc in a crystal clear conversation?

 

To build rapport? Normal stuff. Text her how you enjoyed hanging out with her. Set up a date that doesn't involve sex until afterwards. Call her. Open up to her about something in your life.

 

I've been trying to do more of the stuff you mentioned on building rapport. I feel like if I do contact her (especially calling her), then I'm being needy and smothering her. I know this isn't right, it just feels this way.

[Omei]

You asked about speaking to her during the 4 days while she was gone I think its important that you do if you go silent for 4 days when she returns the communication might have lessoned or have gotten awkward.

 

I wouldnt worry about it upsetting her ither if she's a smart gal she can put texts on vibrate and tell you the times she truely cant reply.

 

I would suggest texting at times of day where things during this wedding might not be taking place like mornings.

[Cunning_Linguist]

managing expectations is where you honestly express to her what you expect from the "relationship". What you are looking for, how you feel at that time in your life about being exclusive or not, where you are in your relationship status, how you feel about her so far, if you want to take it slow etc etc etc. It typically should be done after the second date or if you sleep together. It avoids there being any assumptions made. You don't have to bring up communication or intimacy frequency, it's just you taking the lead, and communicating, what you expect from the relationship.

[BBR84]

managing expectations is where you honestly express to her what you expect from the "relationship". What you are looking for, how you feel at that time in your life about being exclusive or not, where you are in your relationship status, how you feel about her so far, if you want to take it slow etc etc etc. It typically should be done after the second date or if you sleep together. It avoids there being any assumptions made. You don't have to bring up communication or intimacy frequency, it's just you taking the lead, and communicating, what you expect from the relationship

 

Well said. I'm clearly inexperienced in long-term dating and appreciate the honest feedback you all have given.

 

I can and will do a better job of taking the lead here. As you noted in a previous post, we've had that discussion but I can and will do a better job of being more clear. I also was on 2hrs sleep and had just woken up + had sex with her and wasn't prepared for that conversation.

 

It is clear that she wants a relationship more than I do. Part of me wonders if it's that she wants a relationship with *me*...or just a relationship. Perhaps that's my baggage, but when someone comes on so quickly, I do have a little skepticism. Would it be too blunt if I said that to her in a more articulate way?

 

I actually do want to spend a lot of time with her and she at least gives the impression that she wants to spend all of her time with me given the incessant texting, calling, and dropping by my house. I have my own baggage from past relationships that make it hard for me to open up. I was open with her about that and said that I would work on it. At the end of the day, I didn't expect it to get so serious, so soon.

[Cunning_Linguist]

Well said. I'm clearly inexperienced in long-term dating and appreciate the honest feedback you all have given.

 

I can and will do a better job of taking the lead here. As you noted in a previous post, we've had that discussion but I can and will do a better job of being more clear. I also was on 2hrs sleep and had just woken up + had sex with her and wasn't prepared for that conversation.

 

It is clear that she wants a relationship more than I do. Part of me wonders if it's that she wants a relationship with *me*...or just a relationship. Perhaps that's my baggage, but when someone comes on so quickly, I do have a little skepticism. Would it be too blunt if I said that to her in a more articulate way?

 

I actually do want to spend a lot of time with her and she at least gives the impression that she wants to spend all of her time with me given the incessant texting, calling, and dropping by my house. I have my own baggage from past relationships that make it hard for me to open up. I was open with her about that and said that I would work on it. At the end of the day, I didn't expect it to get so serious, so soon.

 

 

Managing expectations make it so that you get what you want, and if it isn't congruent with her needs, then she can move on. It needs to be articulated clearly and honestly. Otherwise, you end up in a situation where it's not what you want. A lot of people end up there and then get stuck because they don't want to hurt any feelings.

 

I wouldn't spend time speculating whether she is just searching for a relationship or not. It's just mental masturbation. Honestly express what you want from the relationship, and let her do the same. If her wants are not congruent with yours, then you have to be strong enough to walk away.

 

I'd cool it on spending time together. An issue with going so hard from the start is that things tends to cool off after a while, leaving a noticeable "attention gap". Especially with girls that are insecure and need a lot of attention. This is why scarcity is such an important tool to keep a relationship healthy. Once again, lead the interaction, and make it clear that you are not her texting buddy, DROP-INS ARE A HUGE NO, you don't have time to be hanging out all day every day, but when you do choose to spend time with her, you are 100% hers. You don't have to say this out loud, but subtle hints and actions can show it effectively. It takes control but will be worth it in the long term.

 

As for the baggage. Ditch that mindset ASAP. It's not baggage, it was a learning experience. Someone that isn't willing to open up and be vulnerable is something very unattractive IMO. Sure, you got hurt in the past (who hasn't), but people with character learn from those mistakes and are still willing to take chances...still willing to put themselves out there because of that chance to find something great, something special. If you aren't able to open and be vulnerable that is going to push away any woman who is worthwhile. I feel like you are still willing to do this, but be wary of that victim mentality.

[BBR84]

This has sort of become a dialogue between you and I, Cunning_Linguist, but maybe someone else can learn something from this. Thanks for taking the time to write thoughtful, insightful responses. You've helped more than you may realize.

 

It needs to be articulated clearly and honestly.

My ego + fear of rejection has - up until this point - prevented me from being as clear as a mature adult should be.

 

Managing expectations make it so that you get what you want, and if it isn't congruent with her needs, then she can move on.

Thanks for the reminder.

 

I wouldn't spend time speculating whether she is just searching for a relationship or not. It's just mental masturbation. Honestly express what you want from the relationship, and let her do the same. If her wants are not congruent with yours, then you have to be strong enough to walk away.

Again, thanks for the reminder. In some ways, I don't think she knows what she wants.

 

I'd cool it on spending time together.

Ok, I'm sorry to keep asking for responses but if you could elaborate I would really appreciate it. I'll type up something at the end of this post that will shed some more light on my curiosity about this.

 

You don't have to say this out loud, but subtle hints and actions can show it effectively. It takes control but will be worth it in the long term.

The control part is the crux for me. When one's (my) ego is being stroked by an attractive girl paying me excessive attention, it's simultaneously gratifying and annoying. I allow my ego to win out moreso than is healthy because - early on - it is gratifying. I will work on changing this.

 

As for the baggage. Ditch that mindset ASAP. It's not baggage, it was a learning experience.

You're absolutely right. Thank you.

 

If you aren't able to open and be vulnerable that is going to push away any woman who is worthwhile. I feel like you are still willing to do this, but be wary of that victim mentality.

Yes, I am. I think I do a pretty good job of avoiding the victim mentality. My primary issue is falling for someone early and being skeptical of women who show intense interest early on. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing if I don't allow it to define me.

 

Recent Developments

At the (good or bad) advice of someone, I texted her yesterday mid-AM to say hello and ask how things are (I did it in a semi-witty way). Her response was this:

"Hi things are good. Went skinny dipping w like 10 girls last night in the river. It was crazy. And there was a photographer taking pictures. We were all verrrry drunk"

 

My response:

"portrait titled '20 boobs and river'. sounds like a great night. what time do you get back Monday? i have extra an ticket to <<XYZ show>>. you should come with us!"

 

Her response:

"I think late...maybe 9? I'll check. Nah I get in at 10. Sounds fun though!"

 

Yes, my response was lame but I was playing into the game of trying to not allow my buttons to be pushed while showing her that. I could've done much better or not responded at all. Emotion + dopamine craving won and I have to be wiser.

 

It's sort of like she turned the switch off now and perhaps that's my cue that she's emotionally hot and cold OR I'm doing something I'm not self-aware enough to recognize. No counter-offer, no how are you, etc. from her. I wouldn't think this is weird if she hadn't already established a precedent of excessive communication. It's like there's no middle ground on the communication.

 

Perhaps she's detaching herself from me because I wasn't clear enough in my expectations last time we hung out? Is this my cue to move on? That's a real question. I'm inexperienced and seriously don't know.

 

I realize she is with friends on a trip out west but she goes from blowing me up non-stop to being aloof and short? Last time she was on a trip, we had only been on one date and she was blowing me up from the trip.

 

I asked her to this show because we had briefly discussed it before and I also thought we've hung out enough one on one to invite her to hang with a group of friends (which may also lighten things up) - she had already invited me to a friend of hers b-day party.

 

Seriously. What to do next? Leave the ball in her court or ask her out on a date? If I am the one to make contact again, how long should I wait?

 

Even though I'm inexperienced at this, part of me thinks this is more work than it should be this early into it.

[Cunning_Linguist]

Understand the power of scarcity. "time apart makes the heart grow fonder" An old cliche, but ever so poignant . Ideally, you should have a lifestyle where you don't have tons of time to spend, and text a woman in your life. It should be so that when you spend time together, it's passionate from that built up expectation, that she gets a taste and wants more, that she will find herself wondering where you might be. If you don't have that lifestyle, or control, then you should actively "fake it til you make it." This also buys in to the idea of living in the now, and mindfulness. If you're constantly in contact with her through text, then the moment at hand suffers, then you aren't appreciating the now. Furthermore, that mindset makes you more attractive. A deeper conversation within that idea, but you catch my drift.

 

By you saying you're skeptical of women liking you early adn you fall for them easily, I'm hearing "I'm scared to express my feelings for her because I don't want to get hurt/scare her away". I feel like it shows more strength to admit how you feel, even if it's a vulnerable feeling, a scary feeling, than it does to not admit it and act all strong. It's okay to be emotional and have feelings and express them, you get in trouble when these emotions dictate your behavior. It's awareness vs influence. Ya dig? It's ok to say "I like you", but it gets messy when you start rewarding her like she is a long term girlfriend when she hasn't earned that respect. I'm sure this stems from deeper insecurities, that's for your therapist to deal with, but the first step to controlling that is...awareness.

 

 

Wooowww bruh. You're just making it more work than it needs to be. You're reading way too far in to this, overthinking way too much. Be mindful. Take a step back and realize how much energy you're spending speculating on what she is doing. It's pure speculation, and it doesn't matter in the grand scheme, because it's out of your control. It shouldn't be like this. It should be you living your life and including her in that adventure. Not you constantly wondering what she might be doing or why she didn't text you back within her average text response time of 2.7mins. You're chasing too hard, and she is pulling back. Relax. You are reacting, be proactive.

 

You're an awesome guy. You are a leader. You are confident. Act like it. She said she was busy. Ok. She's busy. That's cool. Let things breathe a bit. Hit her up the next day and say whats good, just thinking about you, yada yada, I want to see you again. You tell her how you feel and what you want next.

 

In the mean time, (not sure what else is in your life), I would suggest getting out there and meeting other women and people, immersing yourself in your hobbies/school/work etc etc. Focus on your self-improvement and she can be the reward for hard work.

[ponchsox]

Man. Things got physical and now it’s semi-complicated things.

 

Cliffs Notes Version:

I met a girl online (Tinder), we got physical early, we’ve been on three dates and hung out two other times. She’s been super chatty via text and phone for the most part.

 

We talked this morning after we had sex and both agreed that our communication dynamic isn’t quite there. Initially the communication dynamic seemed to be there but maybe having sex early and the fact that we met online (and otherwise know nothing about each other) are making things weird?

 

She stated clearly this morning that she wants a relationship and doesn’t want to keep doing physical stuff because that only builds attachment and makes it difficult to tell whether or not you really like someone. I do agree with that for the most part.

 

We both agree that we like each other, that the physical attraction is there, and that we should hang out a little more and see if it’s worth exploring further. I'm sure we'll both be seeing other people if the opportunity is there in the process.

 

I really like her and want to continue to get to know her but not sure the best way to do that given the circumstances. Group hangouts? Daytime dates (i.e. thrift store shopping, going to the dog park, etc)? Any specific, creative ways you all have used to build rapport without constantly falling back to physical?

 

I texted her today mid-day and she took a little longer to respond than usual (usually immediate) and it was a nice, but short reply. I know she had a busy day but the past couple days she was blowing me up via text all throughout the day and nothing today.

 

She’s going to her cousin’s wedding tomorrow and will be gone for 4 days. Should I send any light texts during that time or just wait until she gets back and set something up?

 

One of my fears is a girl liking me out of convenience (and me not knowing this to be the case). This girl is 31 and has already mentioned her biological clock and that she has given up on finding a Jewish man...

 

Eject! If she said she's given up finding a Jewish man, what are you a fall back option? You will never be good enough for her.