[Met my boyfriend on an anxiety support forum], but am I in love or just coping?

[sphinxcat lover]

Hello~~ Thank you in advance for reading this looong post. I’m pretty much a novice at everything related to having a romantic relationship, so any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

 

I have a boyfriend right now, he is my age and we met through a social anxiety forum, so we are both pretty shy and insecure people. I made an introduction post in the forum and he replied through a PM. I was utterly shocked that this seemingly great guy took time to reply and with such a long message nevertheless, where he gave me some tips from his own experiences. After that, we sent each other long mails through the forum.

 

Our conversations were never flirty or detouring to some kind of romance, it was strictly our struggles and how we were doing, but of course I developed feelings very easily cause nobody was giving me the amount of attention that he gave me and he was truthfully caring. I haven’t had a boyfriend or any experience with guys before him, and well he sounded exactly like someone I could be in love with in real life. Also, I guess what made me fall for him really was the way he expressed himself, he sounded confident, very smart and I don’t know if it makes sense, perfect.

 

For my birthday he sent me a really big present which I was very surprised to receive since we only had been talking for a couple months. I started questioning if he might like me more than just a friend. But for the next 6-7 months, he didn’t say anything or give me any other hint. Thus I believed that he wasn’t interested and he just treasured our friendship that much (which he does) and regardless of a bit of frustration, I was able to understand that because with social anxiety you don’t make that many friends everyday. So my love interest for him diminished, feeling that he wasn’t interested and also because I wasn’t physically attracted to him.

 

I googled him and I just didn’t feel anything looking at his picture. Anyway we became really good friends, telling each other our daily lives and emotional outbursts until one day we were joking about sharing our pictures (back then he still didn’t know me by picture and he couldn’t have found me in fb either). Well, In that conversation we were having, I asked him if he had developed feelings for me. I asked almost jokingly, I was curious, but I was also expecting him to say no. He said no, just friendship. At the other side of the computer, I nodded my head, extremely calm cause I knew it and since I wasn’t interested anymore, I was honest with him when he asked me the same question. I said that I did develop feelings during the first months because of how sweet and caring he had been.

 

Then, right away he backtracked and said he have had feelings too. And for the next couple weeks, he kept telling me things that I couldn’t believe, about how in love he had been with me, though I was feeling that he wanted to say he still was. We decided to exchange photographs and I finally sent him mine, I have low self esteem so I was scared he’d dislike me if he thought I was ugly. But he called me things people hadn’t called me before and you don’t have to have low self esteem to know how big it is for a girl to be told that she is beautiful and smart and amazing. Shortly after the picture exchange, he asked me to be his girlfriend and well I said yes.

 

But here is what happens, I believe I said yes, because of how good it feels to be told those sweet things and be listened to. I feel very alone without friends or family I can talk to like I talk to him. I wasn’t that excited when he asked me to be his girlfriend and it took me quite a while to tell someone about it, I guess I was self-conscious of saying he is my boyfriend. I wasn’t interested in him the same way I was the first months of talking to each other.

 

The person that I pictured before, through the letters, is someone else. It’s not his looks, he is good looking, not really my type, but that’s not it or not entirely. Cause I picture him with the looks I thought before, but I still don’t feel so in love. I believe he doesn’t complement me intellectually as I believed he did, I talk to him about stuff and he doesn’t know, movies, music, books, etc or doesn’t like it and it is tiring that I have to be his teacher on things I thought were basic knowledge. I thought he had much more experience of life or knew things, but he is so naïve and innocent and I wonder if I really love him like a man or a puppy that clings on me all day.

 

I want to respect him and admire him, but the truth is I don’t look at him like that. He has amazing qualities that I’d love in a guy, mostly how patient and calm he is, but I’d like someone who can lead me in the relationship and not the other way around. I even boss him around and though is in a playful manner, I worry he is always going to be submissive to me. I wonder if it was hormones or my own SA and the wish to have someone what led me to say yes to him. At the same time I don’t want to break up with him. I don't want to hurt him.

 

I’d love any suggestions on what’s going on here. Am I being too demanding and ungrateful of him? Am I not in love and just want the attention?

 

P.S. It’s an online relationship at the moment, we haven’t met yet since we live in different countries.

Edited July 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

Some interactions don't translate well from the computer to real life. Yours didn't. If you already aren't feeling it. Stop stringing him along.

 

BTW in your title when you called him your therapist I was immediately indignant & was going to recommend you report him to the licensing board because a therapist dating a patient is a big No No.

[SYLLPalmer]

You aren't feeling it. The reasons why aren't really important. People do get hot and heavy in cyberspace. And with the distance it's enough to come undone. Consider yourself lucky. Down grade to friends. Who knows, he could be on the same page.

Edited July 10, 2014 by SYLLPalmer

[sphinxcat lover]

Thank you d0nnivain and SYLLPalmer for your replies. You both agree that I'm not feeling it and I also agree. I guess I'm holding to the hope that once we meet and the distance barrier is gone, my feelings stir like it once happened. I worry as well I'm stringing him along, but he knows about this or he knows a little. He tells me that he understands we are on different levels of involvement in the relationship, that I don't feel as deeply for him as he feels for me.

 

I do feel lucky to have him because he is a really great guy, so I can't help to worry that my reasons for not being as in love with him as I'd like to be are just foolish and idealistic and not well fundamented. What if I regret breaking up with him? I'm not optimistic about finding love like his either. I don't know if it's my forever-there anxiety playing tricks on my mind as usual.