guest569 Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 How do I set up a date with a person whose depression has flared up and who is struggling to get out of bed or communicate? I don't understand enough about severe depression to know whether this is the truth, or is it just one of the more inventive, elaborate excuses of a rejection that I have received? Even with depression you would think he would call if interested? Maybe not. Our first date was great, I am pretty keen! He said he wants to see me again. This should be a good sign. But a couple of weeks have passed with little contact. Before he opened up I suspected he was just meeting a tonne of other ladies during this time and simply not interested (despite indicating he was!). All I can do is leave it up to him and carry on with my life. Just interested to hear your thoughts? Has anyone else heard this one in their dating experiences?? Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Just move on with your life. If he's interested (depression or otherwise) he'll contact you. Link to post Share on other sites
meeji Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Yea i think this sounds like a bad idea. Its hard to date someone who has depression that is crippling because you start to take it personal and criticize yourself for not being good enough to help the person out of their funk. I say move on to someone who does call you. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 If it's true that he suffers from severe depression....MOVE ON. He's either not getting the help he needs or whatever help he's getting isn't working for him. You don't want to put your life in the hands of someone like this. Stay clear. You don't owe him anything AND, more importantly, you never allow someone else any opportunity to destroy what happiness you deserve for yourself. The only other thing is that he's lying...either case, move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) Wow severe depression, and he cant go out with you? How dare he. He's proabably making it up anyway, seeing other girls. -- Only one person is selfish here Sorry if I came across as selfish. It's not that I think he is lying about having depression - I don't doubt that. It's just that I don't know whether: 1. he is interested but unable to see me at this stage.. 2. he is uninterested and wouldn't contact me even if he wasn't depressed Don't get me wrong, I am very upset to hear that he is unwell and am concerned about him. I am also depressed but certainly a much milder case. I am interested to hear from other people either with severe depression or who have dated someone with it.. I'm not saying 'how dare he not date me'. And yes, he is still going onto a dating site regularly and said he had been dating others when we met up. So it's not too outrageous of me to come to the conclusion he has met someone else. This was my conclusion before he opened up about depression. Edited July 6, 2014 by smiley1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Sorry if I came across as selfish. It's not that I think he is lying, it's just that I don't know whether it is a reason - he is interested but unable to see me at this stage.. or if he is uninterested as I have some very mixed signals from him and I don't know how to proceed. Don't get me wrong, I am very upset to hear that he is unwell and am concerned about him. I am also depressed but certainly a much milder case. I am interested to hear from other people either with severe depression or who have dated someone with it.. I'm not saying 'how dare he not date me'. And yes, he is still going onto a dating site regularly and said he had been dating others when we met up. So it's not too outrageous of me to come to the conclusion he has met someone else. This was my conclusion before he opened up about depression. Listen to yourself. You also suffer from some depression. IF it's true that he is unable to get out of bed or even call then YOU DON'T NEED NOR WANT someone like that in your life. Unfortunately, being involved with someone like this will likely become a mistake that will only make your life worse. Think, think, think. Whether he's telling the truth or not, move on! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ktya Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Severe depression in a partner sucks. Not that i dont feel for them but my ex suffered from it and it was horrible. They arent always crying or sad, but melamcholy, irritable and critical too. If hes not calling you and on online dating sites move on. If he calls you later to get together ask him about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Don't do it. Imagine your depression except a lot worse. How is he in any state to be dating right now if he can't even get out of bed. What he needs now is treatment, not dates. Also, you have depression so if you hang around someone with severe depression it will likely make yours worse. It's just a bad idea to date him for many reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Who wants to get with someone who is suffering from depression?! Life's too short. Link to post Share on other sites
kolleamm Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Lies all lies. Going out with you would only treat his "depression" if he really liked you. Seriously, even right now there is nothing more that I want than just going out with a girl and lifting up my spirits. It's fun. Ignore him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Depression can be debilitating. My mom has it. Hopefully he's taking his meds. You might want to give him a call and ask him about his Depression. Because depressed people know that its a sickness, and he'll fel better for it. Its a rough responsibility to take upon yourself though. Be caustious and patient with him, and if he's not coming around and not getting help, you might just have to look for love elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 Lies all lies. Going out with you would only treat his "depression" if he really liked you. Seriously, even right now there is nothing more that I want than just going out with a girl and lifting up my spirits. It's fun. Ignore him. This is what I was thinking to be more likely. I get that depression can be crippling etc. but in this case I think he is not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 Depression can be debilitating. My mom has it. Hopefully he's taking his meds. You might want to give him a call and ask him about his Depression. Because depressed people know that its a sickness, and he'll fel better for it. Its a rough responsibility to take upon yourself though. Be caustious and patient with him, and if he's not coming around and not getting help, you might just have to look for love elsewhere. He says it is usually manageable, and whilst I am concerned, I don't think it is my place to try to help especially when I am unsure he even wants me around. I think he has a good support network so I will leave him to it. It's just disappointing because as always, I get too excited after a single date and whilst I have learnt not to get carried away and to play it cool, he's the first guy I've met for a while that I have felt this way about. It's clearly not mutual. It wasn't meant to be Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 That's why you date a pair and a spare, always! Until you find that special one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 Even if there were any other suitable men, I cannot date several people at a time. Happy to meet lots of people once. Not going to start dating or forming relationships with multiple guys 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kolleamm Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Don't worry about it Smiley, they come and go just like everything else in life, teachers,friends, jobs,...etc The best way I have learned to deal with this fact is to never put all my eggs in one basket. If you slightly sense it's not going so well with this guy focus on finding another with no wait in between. The more options you have the better your life will be. You basically always wanna have a Plan B for everything, especially relationships. I suffer from depression as well but there are just some things in this world we need to handle and resolve on our own and his depression is one of them. But quite honestly when I'm with that special someone I don't know what depression is anymore, I'm happy. Be it depression or an other issue find someone who can put it aside for you. All that said, I do expect you to offer him some support if you can. Maybe he really is going through some tough moments. However if you find that there is no getting through to him, always consider the possibility that he does not actually have depression and is lying. People are quite good at it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I have offered my support and he seems to be doing ok. That's it for me. Done. Still contacts me but he is slow with responses and I feel that he is either trying to be 'polite' or keeping me as a backup plan. The best way I have learned to deal with this fact is to never put all my eggs in one basket. If you slightly sense it's not going so well with this guy focus on finding another with no wait in between. Interestingly he is 'another with no wait in between'. I have tried to find others but unfortunately there are none that interest me in the slightest. I was in a great relationship 6 months ago and similarly to you,each time I am dating/in relationship my depression leaves me. But when it ends I go straight back to where I was before. Link to post Share on other sites
kolleamm Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I have offered my support and he seems to be doing ok. That's it for me. Done. Still contacts me but he is slow with responses and I feel that he is either trying to be 'polite' or keeping me as a backup plan. Interestingly he is 'another with no wait in between'. I have tried to find others but unfortunately there are none that interest me in the slightest. I was in a great relationship 6 months ago and similarly to you,each time I am dating/in relationship my depression leaves me. But when it ends I go straight back to where I was before. Yeah, once it's over all those irrational pointless fears just come running right back. There are some things to consider after a relationship ends. 1. What have you learned from all of this? Was it really a complete waste of time or a good learning experience? I can tell you that no past relationship of mine was a complete waste of time, from each one I had learned something valuable. 2. How soon do you want to start looking again? If it were me I'd start right away, anything's better honestly than sitting at home all day with depression. 3. Could you still improve yourself before looking again? I'll give you an example. I've been called skinny probably my whole life, so every time I've had a bad experience with women or a breakup I make a resolution that I will gain this much or that much muscle. When I do gain that amount and go back into the dating world it seems even more exciting actually, rather than just playing with the same deck of cards, you know what I mean? And whatever you do, stick to real life dating, it's 100 times funner and easier as hard as that is to believe. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 No, the relationship was not a waste of time. I experienced the most amazing and romantic moments of my life with him and learnt a lot. But was it worth it seeing how damaged i am now? Maybe in 10 yrs i will have a better outlook but right now i wish we had never met. after 6 months i feel like i am back at square one. It's as though the breakup just happened and i am freaking out.. Link to post Share on other sites
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