Betsy_Beth Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Hello, I will keep this short and simple. I hAve been seeing this guy for a year with lots of breaks on and off. He do act like we are in a relationship except he told me during one of our conversations/fights " I cant be in a relationship right now with anyone anyway. When I asked him to tell me the reason he just said he has too many issues and not sure what he wants and cant really talk about it. Some background: he is a great guy, attentive, affectionate, calls when he says he will, makes sure we do fun things together, helps me with everything ( problems, money and let me stay over at his place when I didnt have my own apartment. Six months ago I had enough and told him I cant do this anymore. I cant be something in-between as I need a relationship and dont want to get hurt if at some point I get even more involved with him and he says no to a relationship. He tried to convince me that he is doing the best he can right now ( even said "i cant change life sorry) and is trying to make this between he and I special. And said "as for the future it may work out, i never said it wont in the future". I refused anyway to accept that and it took him three months of begging and trying to see me. He did everything he could ( even cancelled a meeting with important clients to meet me). In the end i went back to him. He is still great but the fact we are not in a relationship and I dont know the reason for it bothers me. He had a difficult childhood and bad relationship experience. At one point long time ago he even said to our common friend " i want to have kids at some point but not sure wife as well." What is his problem? How can someone be so persistent to be with me and try so hard but still "not be with me?"" Thanks for reading ( couldnt keep promise it will be short. ) Btw it's been a year of seeing each other but I would say a year of endless conversations, trying to prove he does care and going in circles ( torturing each other). I wouldn't be doing that if I didnt care so much. So I guess the same goes for him. After a year he is still here just not in a relationship. Edited June 30, 2014 by Betsy_Beth Additional info Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 It doesn't matter if he cares or not, he is not treating you well, end of story. Even men that beat up their wives say they care and love them, it's not a reason to stay with them. You provide sex and company for no investment on his part. Going back to you is easier than finding someone else. It's garbage day tomorrow, make good use of it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 He likes you but you are nagging, irresponsible, and a pain to be with. So he cant be in a relationship with you. He expects more out of a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 If a girl you were seeing for few months told you I can't be in a relationship and not comfortable to talk about it bit would you like to keep seeing you as I care a lot would you just be ok with that and drop the subject? I am ok with his behaviour but i have the right to know. He might have a food reason and be worth to wait for but I have no idea what is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 If a girl you were seeing for few months told you I can't be in a relationship and not comfortable to talk about it bit would you like to keep seeing you as I care a lot would you just be ok with that and drop the subject? I am ok with his behaviour but i have the right to know. He might have a food reason and be worth to wait for but I have no idea what is going on. The good reason is he does not want to commit to you, he doesn't feel strongly about you to do it. He also wants to be seen by other women as being single. Listen, same thing happened to me. I gave the man 1 year then broke up, then he came crawling back, I gave him another year with no commitment thinking he would come around and he never did. Why would he? I provided him with his basic needs : sex and occasional company. He never wanted more or needed more. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I don't know "why". My guess is that he simply likes being single, doesn't want to have to answer about anything. He gets the sex, companionship, and the freedom. If hasn't committed to you yet, he never will. Yes, there are exceptions, fairy tale stories that end up in a wedding. Most of the time? Ends up in a heartbreak, and you wasting your time thinking you can change the guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 The good reason is he does not want to commit to you, he doesn't feel strongly about you to do it. He also wants to be seen by other women as being single. Listen, same thing happened to me. I gave the man 1 year then broke up, then he came crawling back, I gave him another year with no commitment thinking he would come around and he never did. Why would he? I provided him with his basic needs : sex and occasional company. He never wanted more or needed more. That is how I feel about him sometimes. He doesnt need more. But it is not about sex. After we got back together he would just have me sleep over at his place for months. Even drive two hours to see me and sleep next to me ( no sex) and then go back in the morning. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 That is how I feel about him sometimes. He doesnt need more. But it is not about sex. After we got back together he would just have me sleep over at his place for months. Even drive two hours to see me and sleep next to me ( no sex) and then go back in the morning. You see that as the signs of what a normal people would do if they loved you. You look for every little clues or excuses to explain his behavior. It's the red flags that you should always be looking at. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 You are in this predicament because you let yourself go there. You tried to put your foot down & say you wanted a real relationship but when you didn't get that you stuck around anyway. Now this guy knows he can have you on his terms without a commitment. You need to accept the situation for what it is -- half a loaf -- or you need to vote with your feet. Walk away & don't look back unless he's willing to commit. (He won't be & he won't chase you beyond the superficial tell you what you want to hear but not really mean it) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kodakgirl Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I think it would really help you to have a look at this site called Baggage Reclaim by a woman named Natalie Lue-- so much of it discusses exactly what you're dealing with. This post would be a good start: Is He Emotionally Unavailable? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue I think her words will really resound with you, and hopefully help you to achieve some understanding and acceptance of what you need to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 I think it would really help you to have a look at this site called Baggage Reclaim by a woman named Natalie Lue-- so much of it discusses exactly what you're dealing with. This post would be a good start: Is He Emotionally Unavailable? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue I think her words will really resound with you, and hopefully help you to achieve some understanding and acceptance of what you need to do. Thank you for sharing this link. I think this guy is emotiaonally unavailable but I didnt really find any sign while reading the post. He is none of these. Anyway, i forgot to mention. When we start dating he told me he hasnt kissed anyone for three years and thought he would never be interested in anyone anymore. Once he also told me "thank you for showing me I can still be interested in someone and being happy with that person." The last girl he had feelings for he met three years ago ( a coincidence?). Now, they are friends and she has a bf. i adked him if he still has feelings for her but he says she is just a close friend and he cares about her but has feelings for me. I was jealous about this girl and made drama few times but not sure if all this has to do anything with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Thank you for sharing this link. I think this guy is emotiaonally unavailable but I didnt really find any sign while reading the post. He is none of these.. You didn't find any sign while reading that link? I'm sorry but you're in deep denial. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 You didn't find any sign while reading that link? I'm sorry but you're in deep denial. Well it says ( just few examples) he tells you what you want to hear- not really, he is being honest whether I like it or not. He goes hot and cold -no You dont hear from him- no. He is resistant in involving himself in your life-no. His behaviour is good just won't call what we have a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Awful things have happened to my boyfriend and I prior to meeting. Neither of us should have dated and instead we needed to focus on our own lives. We had good reason to avert commitment but yet we couldnt help dating..we can't help that we both feel very strongly about one another. With the right person it honestly just happens. And yes I have been in your position before. And I don't doubt for a second that the guy who purported to having mental problems would have moved mountains to be with the girl he is nuts about. In most cases, commitment phones aren't in fact, afraid of committing to the right woman who they are head over heels for and cannot handle losing. This guy likely WOULD commit to the right girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Well it says ( just few examples) he tells you what you want to hear- not really, he is being honest whether I like it or not. He goes hot and cold -no You dont hear from him- no. He is resistant in involving himself in your life-no. His behaviour is good just won't call what we have a relationship. Hahahaha. My " commitment phobe " men texted me daily and one of them acted very much into me with no dubious intentions. He probably really liked me and felt strong chemistry. But if he was truly into me and wanted to be with me, he would be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Hahahaha. My " commitment phobe " men texted me daily and one of them acted very much into me with no dubious intentions. He probably really liked me and felt strong chemistry. But if he was truly into me and wanted to be with me, he would be. I guess you are right. Thanks everyone i do need to hear this and stay strong so I can walk away. He is going for theee weeks vacation to Europe (we are on a break) and just texted me goodbye from the plane. I guess I should stay strong when he comes back and wants to see me. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I guess you are right. Thanks everyone i do need to hear this and stay strong so I can walk away. He is going for theee weeks vacation to Europe (we are on a break) and just texted me goodbye from the plane. I guess I should stay strong when he comes back and wants to see me. Tell me you didn't answer his text. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Tell me you didn't answer his text. I did. We are friends in the end. I might not be able to stay friends with him after all( to keep seeing him) but if he ever needs anything or I do i know he will be there. He was honest from the beginning with me and I knew what to expect. My probl is I can't be in a semi-relationship and ok with what he has to offer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 I should have ignored the text? Anyone else agrees? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I did. We are friends in the end. I might not be able to stay friends with him after all( to keep seeing him) but if he ever needs anything or I do i know he will be there. He was honest from the beginning with me and I knew what to expect. My probl is I can't be in a semi-relationship and ok with what he has to offer. His honesty is not a reason to keep a friendship with him. You need to cut off contact 'officially' with this man and move on. Only ignoring his text is not moving on, it's keeping a door open for maybe hooking up again when he comes back. You don't need his friendship, you and him have been around the block, it's time to say good bye. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 I wouldn't keep a friendship ( I would just it is impossible but wouldn't really just ignore his texts without talking with him first and letting him know my decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I did. We are friends in the end. I might not be able to stay friends with him after all( to keep seeing him) but if he ever needs anything or I do i know he will be there. He was honest from the beginning with me and I knew what to expect. My probl is I can't be in a semi-relationship and ok with what he has to offer. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to be in a "semi-relationship" either. It's getting the milk for free kind of deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Let's not overcomplicate things... if YOU aren't happy, then don't stay with him. Why does there need to be any deep analysis of the situation? It's been going on for MONTHS. Just move on. Perfect time to do so is during that trip of 3 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 The thing is I am happy with him if I don't think about what he said. He is the most caring, attentive guy I know. Btw he got to his destination and sent me a puppy photo ( I adore dogs) and another text. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Why overanalyzing? I hate it but somehow I think "what if he really has a good reason not to be in a relationship." When I met him I knew something was wrong with him as he was always silent, never talked about himself and you could just tell something was bothering him. Even he told me he is pretty f**ked up. I haven't found out much about this anyway. I know, I understand what you all are saying I am just scared to send him away as he is the first guy I am in love with. Link to post Share on other sites
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