Boyfriend is scared to settle down.

[acapelo_dp]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year. I moved to a new city across the county to be with him. I have my own apartment and a full time job, and a small circle of acquaintances. I lived in his apartment for the first three months I moved here and it was wonderful. He then wanted to live together and I was skeptical, and we ended up not doing that because he moved his family (father and two brothers here) due to issues they were having. They now all live together.

 

Basically we had a talk this weekend and he said that he was talking to his best friend and he wants to do a back pack Europe trip next year for a month and a half. This upset me a bit because he has never planned a trip with me, and doesn't get excited about things with me it appears. I have mentioned to him numerous times how fun it would be to go hiking and yet it never happens. Anyways, I basically can't hold him back and he said he wanted to see my reaction since I am an important person in his life.

 

We then discussed our relationship more and he said that he has thought about it and the thought of moving in together and "settling down" scares him and he doesn't want that right now. He wants to be able to go on a trip with his best friend (which he said he wanted to do for awhile now, and doesn't want to do this with a girlfriend). He also said that he wants to be able to move to a different city if he wants, he may want to live in Europe for a year. He doesn't want to have a person be a significant impact in his life if he happens to make these decisions.

 

Basically I am hurt because he did a 180 on me. He is such a wonderful boyfriend. Spends every weekend with me, takes me on dates, tells me how much he loves me etc and wants me in his life but he wants to be able to make other things priority before me whenever they come up in his life.

 

I don't think it's fair. On one hand I don't know what he means by being tied down because I would never hold him back from going on a trip or doing something he wants, I just may not be going with him. I feel like our relationship isn't going to last long term. I feel hurt and like I am wasting my time with him as he doesn't discuss the future and won't. He wants to "see how things go."

 

Do I have a right to be upset? I am mostly upset about what he said about priotity. He said that it's perfectly fine to but things before me whenever they come up in his life. I feel like I will be taking a back seat many times in his life. I made him a priority when I left my job, family and friends to be here for love and it's not what I had hoped.......

[Griesfootball]

What are your ages?

[ktya]

Age is the most important detail that you left out.

 

He could have had a change of heart on the moving in together thing due to his family.

 

My ex fiancee got tremendous pressure from her family after we got engaged to travel backpack and see the world. They even offered to give her the $4000 they anted up to help us with catering for our wedding.

 

The pressure she got was unbearable. Her mom was almost obsessed with her doing a university exchange - to the opposite side of earth, south africa, for six months. I would get angry because this exchange where she would move away for half a year came up ten times more than actually planning our wedding. Compounding my frustration was that i caught her having an affair the previous year and i still had trust issues - and her mom knew all about it.

 

I doubt your beau is getting that kind of pressure but it does happen. Might explain the 180

[acapelo_dp]

Sorry I forgot to add the ages - we are both 24. And he doesn't really get pressure from his family to do things , these are things that he wants to do himself. He is very independent and he said he wants me to have my own life too and do things without him which I am fine with ..but I want to include him in my plans cause I love him.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he is trying to tell you he isn't ready to plan a future with you because he doesn't know what he wants exactly. What he does appear to want is to keep his doors open, so to speak. I don't mean open to other women, but open to different experiences that might not be compatible with your own goals. Him telling you he'd like to be able to move to a different city or even abroad indicates he's not ready for the type of commitment you want from him. It's not necessarily wrong for him to feel that way, but I do think you need to re-evaluate the long-term potential of this relationship. You don't appear to be on the same page.

[Assasda]

He must feel sick of you being upset about him wanting to go on a trip with his friend. Leave that alone, and be secure without him. Its a major turnoff to be nagged about something like that.

 

- Also as a man you really have to look out for yourself, financially, and if he gets a job somewhere else he might have to move there, and then think about the relationship 2nd.

Seems like you're being a bit needy in the relationship. Settle down a little and let him live his life. You cant control his life. You can only control yours

[ktya]

Sorry I forgot to add the ages - we are both 24. And he doesn't really get pressure from his family to do things , these are things that he wants to do himself. He is very independent and he said he wants me to have my own life too and do things without him which I am fine with ..but I want to include him in my plans cause I love him.

 

Hmmm. Its a curious age for girls. Last time i was with a 24 year old she had similar complaints as you. She wanted me to tag along to jazz and trumpet shows that i had little interest in. She got into pickup hockey and wanted me to play too, i can barely skate. I played a lot of paintball and she hated it and refused to ever try it despite wanting me to try everything she was into. I humored her sometimes but other times i wanted to do my own thing.

 

We tried relationship counselling a few years later and it came up. The therapist agreed with my point of view that its perfectly healthy to have your own independent lives then come together and talk about what you were up to. The therapist prescribed that she work on having more indepedence and making her own friends.

 

Pendulum swung too far then she wanted to do everything on her own including other guys. Didnt last.

 

Not sure if this is helpful or relevant to you.

[HappyLove]

You've sacrificed a lot for him and he's letting you know he's not going to do the same for you. Forget what he wants, what do YOU want? If he packs up in six months to tour the world for a year where does that leave you? Will you regret leaving your family? Are you stuck there do to your job? Time to start thinking about yourself and what YOU want.

[acapelo_dp]

He must feel sick of you being upset about him wanting to go on a trip with his friend. Leave that alone, and be secure without him. Its a major turnoff to be nagged about something like that.

 

- Also as a man you really have to look out for yourself, financially, and if he gets a job somewhere else he might have to move there, and then think about the relationship 2nd.

Seems like you're being a bit needy in the relationship. Settle down a little and let him live his life. You cant control his life. You can only control yours

 

I didn't nag about him not going - I actually never said he couldn't go. I told him that that sounds fun but I would also like to be included in some future plans as well, that's all. He said "we will go on trips together someday." I'm upset that he plans these things with friends but doesn't get excited about even going on a hike with me, which he expressed he likes a lot and wants to do more of. He just says he isn't motivated right now to do anything.

[acapelo_dp]

You've sacrificed a lot for him and he's letting you know he's not going to do the same for you. Forget what he wants, what do YOU want? If he packs up in six months to tour the world for a year where does that leave you? Will you regret leaving your family? Are you stuck there do to your job? Time to start thinking about yourself and what YOU want.

 

I have sacrificed everything. And he doesn't like how sometimes I bring it up and he said that he doesn't like how some days it feels like I dislike him for "ruining my life" he says he is totally in love with me and wants me in his life but wants me to be happy. He wants me to be in this city for other things besides him and when I mention moving back home he says "do what makes you happy. I'd rather you stay but that's your decision to make." It makes me feel like he doesn't care either way. It hurts. I have become independent -I got a job before even moving here, I have my own apartment, and I have made a small group of friends. I've become friend with his friends and I've met his family and even though he put them before me for a long time I accepted them as my family away from home.

 

I just want to start planning things without him and it makes me not want to spend time with him cause it feels like , what's the point? He wouldn't mind of I didn't spend time with him either way it feels like.

[MidwestUSA]

Is he still basically supporting the dad and brothers? Has he been able to cut back the crazy work hours? Has he accumulated any savings?

 

If you foresee that there's no way he going to afford such a trip, smile sweetly and say 'oh, that sounds nice', because it sounds like he's dreaming.

 

 

For now, start going hiking with some meetup groups. Make a new circle of friends and leave yourself open to the possibility that this relationship is fading. He's never fully appreciated the fact that you made that move for him. (I recall your postings from December).

[Treasa]

He said "we will go on trips together someday."

 

Sweetly and confidently tell him that if someday ever comes, he can come looking for you, and if you're still single you'll consider it, but for now you think you can do better. And then leave. And then see what he does. If he lets you leave, there you go.

 

But you have to be prepared to really leave. That's what I would do in your situation, but I wouldn't want to be with a guy like this anyway if he said things like this.

[acapelo_dp]

Is he still basically supporting the dad and brothers? Has he been able to cut back the crazy work hours? Has he accumulated any savings?

 

If you foresee that there's no way he going to afford such a trip, smile sweetly and say 'oh, that sounds nice', because it sounds like he's dreaming.

 

 

For now, start going hiking with some meetup groups. Make a new circle of friends and leave yourself open to the possibility that this relationship is fading. He's never fully appreciated the fact that you made that move for him. (I recall your postings from December).

 

Actually his dad and brother are working full time hours now and helping with rent and expenses - so he does have more freedom financially. But yeah, a month long trip to Europe would mean a month off work and saving up that much money which I honestly don't think he will be able to swing. So it's kind of an unrealistic goal..

 

Honestly I want to spend less time with him and show him that I don't need him in my life to be happy. And it wouldn't even be spiteful because that is what he wants me to do. It's just that I know he does love me and he's improved so much since December. He treats me like a princess and I think we are on the same page and then he tells me this while out on a date. I feel heartbroken honestly. This best friends is also single, a lot of our friends love with their SO's and are growing together. And I feel like we aren't. I feel like I just fill his time when he wants to see me and go on dates but that's about the seriousness of us right now..

[acapelo_dp]

Sweetly and confidently tell him that if someday ever comes, he can come looking for you, and if you're still single you'll consider it, but for now you think you can do better. And then leave. And then see what he does. If he lets you leave, there you go.

 

But you have to be prepared to really leave. That's what I would do in your situation, but I wouldn't want to be with a guy like this anyway if he said things like this.

 

Thanks for the advise. I want to say that so bad but at this point I am completely in love with him and wouldn't leave permanently. I have thought about moving back home in a few months and I did mention that to him. He just said you need to do what makes you happy. So I dunno. If we ever broke up in the future I wouldn't want to stay in this city. My beat childhood friends are back home.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry. Yes, you have a right to be upset. He is basically saying he wants to live the single life. You have moved to be with him and been his girlfriend for this time and now he is extricating himself so he can see the world. Maybe he will see the world and come back to you (he may well realise what he's missing), but should you have to sit and wait and wonder? Yes, in your situation I would be unhappy at my needs being overridden. I am sorry you are hurting.

[acapelo_dp]

I'm sorry. Yes, you have a right to be upset. He is basically saying he wants to live the single life. You have moved to be with him and been his girlfriend for this time and now he is extricating himself so he can see the world. Maybe he will see the world and come back to you (he may well realise what he's missing), but should you have to sit and wait and wonder? Yes, in your situation I would be unhappy at my needs being overridden. I am sorry you are hurting.

 

Yeah I really don't know what to do at this point. I want to show him I have a life outside of him and not spend as much time with him or be so available. And I know that's what he wants me to do - to build my own life. I just wish he saw a future with me like I do with him.

[FitChick]

He doesn't seem to care what you do. He will do whatever he wants. So should you. Don't even think about a future with him. You are too young to get tied down. You should be going to Europe yourself or seeing the USA. You will meet someone better. This relationship has run its course.

[Treasa]

From reading some of your other threads, it's obvious that you aren't going to leave this guy. And he knows it. That's why he acts like this. He knows he can get away with it, and you'll still be there if he needs something warm to land on.

[Emilia]

What's with all these weak women that let men push them around because 'they are in love'.

[giblesp]

Sweetly and confidently tell him that if someday ever comes, he can come looking for you, and if you're still single you'll consider it, but for now you think you can do better. And then leave. And then see what he does. If he lets you leave, there you go.

 

But you have to be prepared to really leave. That's what I would do in your situation, but I wouldn't want to be with a guy like this anyway if he said things like this.

 

Check this

Lady's got some good advice.

 

You're 24 and can get any man you want. Let him work for you.

[kaylan]

24 is pretty young, and its only been a year. I know saying slow down seems a little late because you already moved to be with him...but you should still not rush things any more than you already have.

 

In my eyes youre still kids...and Im only a few years older than you both.

 

If you arent cool with that, then be strong enough to bail and find someone more suited for you, and let him live the free single life. And the women giving advice here are right too. The dude doesnt seem scared to lose you...and will do what he wants. So should you.

[hotpotato]

You moved across the country(?) to be with him and he hasn't even put a ring on it? He knows he's got you hook, line, and sinker.

 

You probably look like a pushover to him. He may not be that into you which is making it worse.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Your BF is doing a few things the "smart" way from a man's perspective at his age, because he had you move to where he was living but didn't actually move in with you, therefore retaining his "freedom" without having to sacrifice anything out of his own life rather than be with you the same as he would any other woman locally...

 

Unfortunately for you, that required a much bigger sacrifice...however here's the thing, you basically agreed to those terms of moving half way across the country to be with him, but not living with him...you admittedly were a bit skeptical about that idea anyway so that probably worked out anyway, right?...and you were able to get a job and live independently which I think says a lot about you in a positive way, you are capable of being independent and taking care of business on your own...that's a good "wife material" type attribute.

 

However you guys are both still quite young and clearly your expectations of what the future holds are very different as he's just living in the now and you're looking towards the future...and that's what you do when you're young and get into relationships, you don't talk about the practical things like expectations and compatibility issues that will cause you problems down the road...you just think you will simply "work through everything" and everything will be magical and bright.

 

Also on top of that, young women especially, typically like their relationships to grow more and more until they are all encompassing, and become more of a dominant force in the relationship, taking priority over everything in the "relationship"...meaning everything he does and wants to do has to be decided or done with you in consideration...now a lot of guys at your age aren't really up for that (which I don't blame them) and if he's smart he's able to see what happens to guys when they get into relationships...their options fizzle out and their responsibilities come that of the relationship, then in a sense a lot of times you lose a "friend" and his friends are single and enjoying life...he wants to enjoy his life too although he wants you in his life but he doesn't want to feel bad or guilty about you not wanting to live there and miss home...after all he's prioritizing his own goals over the relationship, he's prioritizing himself and his needs which as selfish as that might be this is really the time of his life he should be doing those things...whether he belongs in a relationship or not depends on the woman and her needs/expectations, which for most women they're going to want more from men.

 

Now ideally this would be great for him if that all just worked out and things stayed the way they are....he takes out you, treats you well, gives you enough time and attention it seems, so what more do you want? unfortunately for young men they don't realize that young women want EVERYTHING from them and want to see that commitment train rolling forward as is everything right now is just a slow trip into that final destination..and some men that age are willing to sell out from their lives and their friends in order to have a life basically dominated by a relationship very early on in life when they don't really want it...and the truth is his friends will eventually settle down and do the whole 9-5 come home to gf/wife down the road, there's really no hurry for him to dive into that right now, neither is it for you...unfortunately you have different goals, I'm sure you'd like to like most women "move forward in the relationship"...but again, guys know what that means...it's being asked where you're going, what you're doing, what time you're coming home, why didn't you invite me to go, why do you have more fun with your friends but not me, why am I not the priority and the list goes on and on.

 

I think like most young women you're in a relationship to kind of "finish life" in the romantic area, and just settle down and settle into a relationship before you can just be happy then go on with the rest of your life...but young women are way too eager for that to happen, what about things you'd like to do and see? why does this have to include another man or even a SO? is there not anything you would like to do that doesn't have to include your BF? because those are the things you should be focused on now...24 is not the time to move in and settle down together into a relationship, you're going to be capable of doing that the rest of your life and as you get older and more stable jobs with responsibilities as well as other bills, bigger bills, maybe even children...you're going to wish you did more when you had the freedom, and no this doesn't just mean you find a man to do all these "fun" things with...men enjoy each others company, it's relaxing with no expectations, no pressure, no demands for attention, time, energy or affection...it's basically be who you are as lazy as you want to be around someone who wants to do the same thing and has similar guy interest and mentality about things...but it's NOT a take away from you, there's just some things guys enjoy doing with guys more than with women but they definitely don't want to get cuddly with their friends and love them and all of that, they couldn't be around them all of the time either, so it's important to have that balance...the more you want from this relationship the less you are going to get, and then women wonder why young men especially, don't want relationships...they don't want someone looking over their shoulder or nagging them, even though you're still giving them a lot of time and attention, but no, women typically want more until they have everything...it's no secret or mystery, but if that's your agenda and he's not fulfilling it, then by all means, go home and/or find another man who's willing to settle down and make it all about you.

 

But don't try and force him or pressure one into doing something he doesn't want to do, that's just a seed for trouble in the future and he clearly wants to live his life now while he's young and his friends are still single and relatively free, doesn't mean he's not worried about losing you but you're not really giving him much of an option are you.

 

I'm not telling you you're right or wrong as much as it may sound like, but this is why girls generally like dating older men (more stable/predictable) who are roam around less and are more interested in doing things with them, like traveling and such as they put you on a pedestal just for being younger and more vibrant. However doesn't mean those guys want a relationship either, depends...always depends what the guy want's and is looking for, or nearly no woman can change that.

[Keenly]

As a 24 year old male myself, one year of dating is not even close to the amount of time needed for me to decide on settling down or not.

 

I think you are putting a lot of pressure on him to make a life decision that you want, without actually taking into account what he wants. Why do you want to get married at 24???

[Els]

If this had been the standard 24 yo relationship, I would probably be on the fence about it, since 24 really is quite young for many people to be settling down. On the other hand you have sacrificed a lot to move to him, which says a lot about your commitment to this R vs his. And you are right to be indignant that he hasn't sacrificed anything or given you any such commitment in reciprocation - though to be fair, if you had wanted to settle down together as a condition for you moving to be with him, you should have discussed that before doing it.

 

It's time to leave, IMO. Maybe take some time to go backpacking and travel in another country yourself, too. In the future, be more assertive about your needs before making such big sacrifices.