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have not heard from him since we slept together


lil_missy

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so i met this guy online, at first i wasn't really interested in him at all just chatted to him to pass time. but he kept complimenting me heaps and was fun to chat to. after about a week he got my number and asked me for a date a week later on a sat night.

 

during the week he would msg me everyday and be very sweet. he repeatedly told me that he was nervous about meeting me and hoped that we hit it off once we meet. he also expressed to me that he was looking for a friendship first and a relationship may develop out of it.

 

i was never too much of a texter but we'd have these text marathons from 6pm - 12pm, basically from the time we got off work to bed time. it was so out of the ordinary for me and i felt myself getting invested in him already before i even met him. i got giddy everytime i heard from him and stressed out when he doesnt reply immediately. at the same time for some reason i felt safe being invested, he seemed very consistent and keen on me.

 

We met for our first date as planned and at first i thought he wasnt my type judging by his looks, but his personality and cute manners quickly won me over. i felt he was scrambling to please me all night like a puppy dog, but i thought it was so cute. we went to the cinema and half way through the movie he put his arm around me and we cuddled, it was so nice. during the date he also suggested all these places he'd take me " if i like him".

 

After that date, he again explained he was so nervous and apologised for being "boring" on the date. i reassured him he wasnt boring at all and I had a really lovely time. so he set up another date for the following sat, but then told me that he realised it was his cousins 21 birthday on that day. so he told me he would leave his cousin's bday early to see me on sat and take me fishing on monday instead(since it was a long wknd) and i agreed.

the following week we kept texting day and night even more than before. both looking forward to our date again. and the convo got more flirty than before, nothing too sexual but he expressed often how much he wished he was holding me, wanted to go to sleep with me in his arms. at this point i was so attracted him but i didnt want our convos to get too steamy, then he will be only be focused on sex and stop wanting to get to know me as a person. but i couldnt resist flirting with him and im not sure if i came across with a casual attitude about sex.

 

Sat arvo he sent me a pretty strange text out of the blue, saying how he wanted to get to know me more, was not trying to use me for sex as much as he'd like to sleep with me, he is not into one night stands. I thought it was so randomly. So i drive over to his house Sat night, it was my idea because he has lost his license. and since it was late and cold, i just wanted to stay in with him and watch a movie. i dont know if i gave the wrong impression but i got there and hopped into his bed (obviously this is where we are gonna watch the movie) and we started to cuddling and kissing. one thing led to another, basically we hooked up and fooled around for a few hrs, but no intercourse. he was very considerate and just wanted to please me in bed and didnt really care about himself at all. which was diff to some other jerkish men i've been with. then i had to leave around 12am as i had a wedding the next day.

 

He texted me to ask if i got home alright, and good morning the next day and asked how i slept. we talked and flirted as usual that day and it seemed like nothing has changed. i told him he'd left a hickie on my neck and he was glad that "he's left his mark" on me.

 

then I asked him if we were still going fishing the next day. and that's when he gave me the " ill let you know" reply and i knew instantly something was wrong. but hopefully i was just being paranoid. i waited for him to let me know and he never did. so basically he blew off our plans and didnt have the courtesy to even tell me. and I havent heard from him since and it's been 2 days. i dont know if ill ever hear from him again.

 

I felt so silly and sad I cried all of yday, the day we were meant to go fishing. I cant believe I actually thought we could have had something real.

Edited by lil_missy
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mortensorchid

Sorry this has happened to you. I read the story twice, he sounds like a real player, knew how to push all the buttons and whatnot. But hey, it happens to us all. Women anyway. I've been there. I am almost 40 now, I see how guys are at that age (early 20s). If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. We've all fallen for some guy like that at some point or another. At least he blew you off immediately after rather than carry it on for weeks afterward.

 

 

This is a growing pain. Be glad you have suffered so now you know. But I feel you.

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Yep - hate to say it, but you got played.

 

Lesson learned: Don't get intimate with someone until you are ready to be in a committed relationship (if that is what you are looking for).

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thank you for your sympathies. i was really hoping there is some explanation other than i got played.

 

he seemed so down to earth, a simple guy that's a straight shooter. so hard to imagine that things he said to me could've just been a ploy to get me in bed. its always the ones you least suspect that turn out to be players.

 

i mean do you see any of his actions as red flags that I may have missed?

 

i did want to sleep with him though so i dont regret the act. only the way he changed afterwards. i dont believe a guy that's really into you will change even if you sleep with him early on.

 

After being played by a few guys now i think i'd really like to get into a serious relationship and to have someone by my side that will stay by my side.

 

at this point i'm contemplating sending him one last msg just asking " is everything ok? i was waiting for you to get back to me and never heard from you." or should i just delete his number and try to forget about him?

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at this point i'm contemplating sending him one last msg just asking " is everything ok? i was waiting for you to get back to me and never heard from you." or should i just delete his number and try to forget about him?

 

I would say, delete his number. Out of sight out of mind girl. You just have to be strong, and NOT contact him at all. If he's genuinely interested, he will eventually text you.

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so he got you into bed.

Pleased you.

didn't have sex.

 

what did he get in return?

 

Are you sure you it wasn't your hairy bush or maybe you smelled?

Sounds like he lost interest after he got you naked?

 

 

A player that bails after pleasing the woman sexually & not getting laid?

 

They make those?

 

I mean, he could be a player I guess.

A weird one.

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Well the above text is a little brutal but yeah it sounds like he lost interest.

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If he really was as into you as he acted on the first date then he would not go days without contacting you after you were intimate. You don't know him. You weren't in a place to judge if he's actions were genuine.

 

It was obviously an act..If he thought you were that amazing he wouldn't suddenly go from daily messages to nothing after hooking up.

 

This has happened to be twice..

 

Being intimate for the first time normally makes a guy feel closer to you; the last thing a guy who was truly into you would do is to stop texting you after you get naked. Any guy with half a brain knows that's mean.

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yes i realised without a shadow of doubt that he wasn't into me after he started ignoring me after that night, there is no other explanation.

 

i ended up msging him tonight, i said that i felt something for you but you hurt my feelings when you ignored me after and i hope you treat other girls better in the future. he replied that he didnt mean to ignore me he just had some things on his mind but he never meant to hurt me. and that he is really sorry that he didnt take me fishing.

 

i think he was not a bad guy but prob had some baggage he didnt tell me about. he always told me from the beginning that he was looking for friendship but he kept flirting and complimenting me that i got so confused. i was the one that put myself in the position to get intimate. i remember when things started getting steamy, he said to me " i wasnt thinking about sex when you came over tonight" and i didnt stop.

 

it sucks that his feelings (or lack thereof) only became clear to him after we became intimate.

 

but i know i have to let this one go now as much as it hurts.

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I'm with phineas on this one. This guy is no player, he's just a ball of insecurity and indecisiveness who doesn't know what he really wants.

 

He was so obsessed with whether you liked him or not, and how great it would be if you did, that he never really stopped to think about how much he liked you. He just got caught up in the roller coaster.

 

when he realised he had you, reality set in. Doubts sprung up. He bailed out.

 

You didn't get played, you just got messed around by an emotionally immature guy. He didn't mean it, so don't hate him for it or take it out on other guys.

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I'm sorry to hear. I'm going through something similar, but that was dragged out.

 

Just be glad it happened early on before you got too many feelings. He will be a fleeting thought to you within a week!

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i think he was not a bad guy but prob had some baggage he didnt tell me about. he always told me from the beginning that he was looking for friendship but he kept flirting and complimenting me that i got so confused. i was the one that put myself in the position to get intimate. i remember when things started getting steamy, he said to me " i wasnt thinking about sex when you came over tonight" and i didnt stop.

 

He might've been turned off that you didn't listen to him and pushed for intimacy even though he didn't really want to go there.

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Never, ever get into bed with a man until you've gone fishing with him!

 

(Seriously, I'm kinda sad you didn't get to go fishing :( That sounds so good right now)

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i ended up msging him tonight, i said that i felt something for you but you hurt my feelings when you ignored me after and i hope you treat other girls better in the future.

I think that is pretty passive/aggressive behavior on your part.

 

i think he was not a bad guy but prob had some baggage he didnt tell me about. he always told me from the beginning that he was looking for friendship but he kept flirting and complimenting me that i got so confused.

There are two things here. First, you are making assumptions on his "baggage." i.e., you are looking for reasons that you two did not connect. But flirting and complimenting should not be confusing. It is what happens early on in dates.

 

i was the one that put myself in the position to get intimate. i remember when things started getting steamy, he said to me " i wasnt thinking about sex when you came over tonight" and i didnt stop.

Here's the rub. YOU did not stop. You already built the emotional connection in your head and pushed it to a physical one to seal the deal - without TALKING ABOUT IT WITH HIM FIRST.

 

By blowing you off afterwards was his defense mechanism. He wasn't ready for a relationship and you pushed in too hard and too fast and got burned in the process.

 

He mentioned going fishing and that might have happened if you hadn't pushed the intimacy issue so quickly. He didn't hurt you. You hurt yourself. We've all done it (heck, I can't tell you how many times I've done it!), but I'll maintain that your last message to him was inappropriate and you've now learned your own boundaries on getting too involved so quickly as to assume a bond that has yet to be established.

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He wasn't bad for wanting or not wanting sex. He was bad for not contacting you after.

 

There's no explanation - it's happened to me and many others here. It's an extremely valuable lesson and this was the best way to learn it. Don't become intimate with someone till you both expressly state what you want from each other.

 

I wished you hadn't sent him that 'hurt' message.

 

Anyway, let it go and move on. You'll be fine x

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I don't think he was a player. He just lost interest or changed his mind. There was no committed relationship so he owed you no explanation. Because of his lack of character, he didn't even show you the respect of telling you that he's not interested.

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You wanna know if you missed red flags? Boy did you EVER miss red flags!

 

 

As soon as I read 'I have not heard from him since we slept together' I KNEW this was gonna be another ONLINE relationship! This happens with OLDing ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! Don't let anybody tell you any different! Just do a quick search here if you don't believe me!

 

Red Flag number 1.

 

First this gem, "he wished he was holding me, wanted to go to sleep with me in his arms". If I had a dollar for every time I heard these EXACT words from the guy I met online, who eventually went poof, I'd be loaded! These guys just want sex. Thankfully my guy didn't get any but I was devastated nonetheless but soooo glad I didn't fall for it.

 

Red flag number 2.

 

He lost his license. Really girl? He should have been NEXTed as soon as you found that out!

 

Red flag number 3.

 

So he all of a SUDDEN forgets that his cousin is turning 21! But will gladly see you at booty call hours! So he saves money, doesn't have to take you out. AND has you travel to see him!

 

The BASICS:

 

1.You gotta let a guy show you he's worth your time by watching his ACTIONS, NOT words!!! Frankly this guy never had to show you anything because you were cozier up in his bed after one date.

 

2.NEVER go to a strangers house that you met online after ONE date! For all you know he could be the killer! Did your family even know what address you were at incase anything happened? The amount of women who do this is baffling!

 

3.Never go to a mans house period if you don't want sex. Much less hop in his bed!

 

Basically you have no clue who this guy is or what he's about. You never took the time to get to know this man. These guys eat this up with online women. They know all they have to do is ACT super interested for about a week and they have you wrapped around their finger. In the future don't move so fast. See if the guy is even worth your emotional investment. Also that second "date" was too long! You barely know him and your spending hours together! This guy will probably throw you a breadcrumb and you'll probably jump at the chance to see him again but you've already seen he's not worth your time, don't forget that!

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Maybe his wife found out.

 

But seriously, it's only been 2 days. Give it a week before you panic. He may be very busy.

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I'm with phineas on this one. This guy is no player, he's just a ball of insecurity and indecisiveness who doesn't know what he really wants.

 

He was so obsessed with whether you liked him or not, and how great it would be if you did, that he never really stopped to think about how much he liked you. He just got caught up in the roller coaster.

 

when he realised he had you, reality set in. Doubts sprung up. He bailed out.

 

You didn't get played, you just got messed around by an emotionally immature guy. He didn't mean it, so don't hate him for it or take it out on other guys.

 

I'm with Phineas and Andy. If he's a playa', he's a p!$$ poor one.

 

More likely that he's immature and manipulative and kind of a nutjob.

He may be more psycho than a playa.

I'd let this one go.

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He'll get bored or wonder why you aren't crying over him and will eventually get back in touch. He will use the same sweet talk as before and say whatever he thinks you want to hear to get back in such as "I like you so much, it scared me. I haven't felt like this in so long, I needed to step back...".

 

Don't fall for it, as it will only be temporary!

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thanks everyone for your replies, its interesting how the guys all dont see him as a player but most girls do. now i really dont think he is a player either.

 

CarrieT- what u said was enlightening, i think he prob would have taken me fishing if we had not gotten intimate. he did mention friendship a few times but i thought he just didnt wanna come on too strong. he said if i didnt like him, he'd still take me fishing as friends.

 

i prob should have paid more attention to the msg he sent me on sat afternoon about his feelings. he said he thought i was fkn hot but he is not looking for a one night stand and would like to get to know me and be friends or more. then he said he will explain the msg to me when he sees me but he never got to explain to me as we started making out straight away.

 

i think i scared him away by pushing intimacy on him too soon, and now he feels pressured to take it to the next level when he is not ready. even though im not ready to jump into a relationship with him either after 2 weeks, but he doesnt know that.

 

AndyK - your explanation really made so much sense to me, i really think that is what happened.

 

Happylove - i really dont think he was trying to booty call me. he actually didnt end up going to his cousins 21 and wanted to hang out with me during the day but i had plans. and he was really interested in what movies i'd bring that night, so not just "watch whatever since we're not really gonna watch a movie anyway". he was always decent and complimenting me but never suggested doing anything sexual with me.

 

i have my own issues and think that sex doesnt mean anything anymore after some bad experiences. thats why i was so careless about it.

 

i wish i could salvage this somehow as i truly believe he is not a bad guy and i havent felt a connection like this for so long and i wish things could just go back to the way it was.

 

he is not being a dick and is replying to my msgs and apologising alot, but i wont bombard him with msgs.

 

maybe after a while he will come around and be able to relax around me again and we can be friends at least.

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First I will say that I am a woman but I'm not seeing the player here.

 

So from what I read, you slept with him on Saturday and haven't heard from him until today (3 days later) and you texted him that he broke your heart.

 

While I'm not a big fan of the him not contacting you part, you did come off as a needy.

 

Also, I don't think the fact you slept with him changed anything. If he only wanted sex, he would have acted the same next week/next month.

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First I will say that I am a woman but I'm not seeing the player here.

 

So from what I read, you slept with him on Saturday and haven't heard from him until today (3 days later) and you texted him that he broke your heart.

 

While I'm not a big fan of the him not contacting you part, you did come off as a needy.

 

Also, I don't think the fact you slept with him changed anything. If he only wanted sex, he would have acted the same next week/next month.

 

sorry the title was misleadng but he did contact me the morning after and was very sweet. thats why i dont think his a player either. but he eventually bailed on our original plans to see each other again the next day.

 

maybe he just felt smothered and didnt want to see me again so soon. he also said he wasnt feeling well.

 

but i dont understand what u mean by he would have acted the same if he only wanted sex? i guess ppl react to intimacy differently and its hard to predict.

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Update:

 

so after i told him last night that he hurt my feelings he has been apologetic. sent me a couple texts explaining he hasnt been feeling well and how sorry he is for not taking me fishing.

 

i replied this morning and said that its ok and i dont think his a bad guy, that i knew he was looking for friendship but pushed for more. but im happy to just friends if thats what he wants.

 

he replies yeh its ok and again apologises for hurting me.

 

then nothing.

 

then tonight he texts me and says hi how are you? im sorry about everything but would love to be friends if you like, and asks how my day was.

 

i reply that i would like that and we msg abit back and forth. almost back to the way it was before.

 

i dont know how to feel but im guarded. what does this mean?? could he still be interested in me? or just feeling guilty?

 

i dont get it as ive never had a guy just want to be "friends" with me, they either want more or nothing.

Edited by lil_missy
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It is simple; he wants to be friends and you want a connection with someone. You *could* just hang as friends a few times with NO intimacy or flirting and see how it goes, but don't get your hopes up.

 

If you do seriously want more, make him chase you. YOU have to be illusive and more desirable, but that means putting a full stop to hand-holding, snogging, and sexual innuendo. "Friends" don't do that sort of thing...

 

So, play the Friend card for a while (i.e., dial it back, like he SAYS he wants), and try not to get your heart invested too early. Get to actually know each other in real time and not via texting and there might be something salvageable from this whole thing in the long run.

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