Dating a girl with major commitment issues, do I give up???

[Augman]

Hi everyone, this is a sensitive matter...

 

THIS WILL BE A LOOOOONG POST, I AM SORRY

 

Anyone that reads it all to help me is very much appreciated.

 

 

I have actually posted on here about this girl before, asking why she has stopped contact and other issues. I've figured out exactly why all her problems are present, and now I don't know what to do.

 

about 2 weeks ago is when we actually started dating (I know, not long at all)

but I have known her maybe 3 months)

 

First let me say a LOT happened in only 2 weeks of dating. At the start she was very clingy via text and phone calls. She called a crazy amount of like 3 times per day along with lots and lots of texts checking up on me. (I got attached to the clingyness, however.) She seemed VERY interested. We had 3 dates, all of which went spectacular! One was my senior prom (I'm 18, and she is 17) Prom night ended with her initiating most things (kissing, touching, etc.) and the night ended with her in my arms asleep. Great night right? yeah... I had to wake her to drive home though, because I had to wake up early for something I had to do the next day.

 

She sent me a good morning text that next morning and told me how much she loved that night, that she loved how things were going with us, and that she missed being in my arms. Things seem to be going well...

 

Honestly, I took what she said and how interested she was as a que that maybe it could be time to mention taking our relationship to being BF/GF, since it had been 3 amazing dates and plenty of communication. 3 nights in a row we stayed on the phone until she fell asleep. It sounds a bit much, I know, but we both loved every second of it.

 

SOO guess what I did? I sent her a text saying maybe if our next couple dates well, maybe we could have a talk and possibly become exclusive, just to let her know I was considering it... It didn't sound too bad to me. Her reply was simply "Fully exclusive? long talk?" it sounded weird to me, but I just said yeah, I feel like things are going well enough I'm considering taking a next step.

 

After that conversation she went cold, I mean ice cold. I would receive a "whats up?" a couple times a day, where-as before I would get lots of cutesy talk, hearts, kisses, etc...

 

One night I called and said there's a problem between us and I want to fix it. She said she got what she wanted (to date me) and now that she has it she isn't so sure... She said she has commitment issues and our fast paced relationship was very new to her and she was having doubts. She explained that she has never had anyone care for her like I do. Even when she moved away from her home town, no one missed her. The whole time she was sobbing on the phone. She told me she was at a party and was a mess and asked if we could talk about it later. She said she needed a breather..

 

I said OK. I didn't really listen to when she said she needed a breather though, so the next day I kept asking her to make time for us to get together in person to talk this out because it was such a sensitive subject, but she avoided all texts asking for that. She went even more cold and I kept pushing not realizing I was digging myself a deeper hole.

 

She sent me a text straight up saying she didn't want to hurt me any more and we should be friends, she said the last thing she wanted to do was lead me on.

 

That night She called me and we talked for 3 hours. She told me she was pretty much 100% sure about her decision and said she needed a friend more than anything. She explained why she has her commitment issues and told me things she had never told anyone. I told her I should have listened when she asked for a breather and told her I needed time to think things over anyways so I told her I wanted a few days on zero contact, even though we had been in non-stop contact for the past 2 weeks. She said she was surprised that i realized we needed a break and that she didn't want me to take too long though, because she needed someone to talk to.

I said I wasn't sure if I could be just friends, and that my feelings for her were not going away anytime soon, she said she understood exactly how i felt, and that she still likes me too, but she needs a friend and there was only a very small chance she would reconsider and only after a while of being friends. I told her I cared about her and she said the same.

 

I am now in that couple days of zero contact I said I was going to take, and I'm a little unsure on what I should do, even though to you (the reader) it probably sounds like a no-brainer... She has emotional issues, and fear of commitment, why on earth would I ever want with her?

 

To be honest, I am not that guy... I'm the most caring guy in the world with a heart of gold and I would still LOVE to be with her, and help her through her issues. After some thinking and searching the internet, I believe her fear of commitment is on the major side, as every part of her childhood has pointed to abandonment. Her ex cheated on her after a year of being together. She wont even let her mother near her because of how terrible she was. A very bad childhood and literally abandoned by every single person she knew. Not for a second do i blame her for her issues, and I know know that her past is the cause of ALL her issues.

 

She said "you are the most amazing guy and the last thing I want to do is hurt you, even though i already have, but it seriously is NOT you... I simply cant make a commitment and I know that is what you want." So she broke it off before we could get more serious and she could end up hurting me. This tells me she is a good person inside. She told me she can trust me more than anyone she knows.

 

I know this can be helped, if she is willing to let me help her. But should I even try??? She expects me to talk to her within a few days after our "break" and I am torn on what to do. It will literally tear me up only being her friend, and I want to date her badly, but I am NOT the person to give up or abandon anyone. I keep a very small group of friends that i plan on being permanent in my life and that is how I work.

 

I feel by her telling me these these things she has never told anyone and that she trusts me more than anyone is just trapping me into being OK with just being friends, when I am NOT.

 

My plan is to tell her I can help if she is willing to give effort and make a small commitment to date me again, and we can do friend type things along with dating and that I can wait until she is ready to move the relationship farther. I'm not sure if she will go for this, and I'm not even sure if I should bother. I mean, come on... I'm 18 and I'm sure you can all agree that at 18 I probably shouldn't concern myself with issues like this but I really care about her and want her to be mine at the same time...

 

I really only see 3 possible outcomes:

 

1. Bring up the idea of dating again and that I understand why she feels the way she does and I can help her overcome her issues if she wants to put forth the effort.

 

2. Put myself through torture by being her "friend" only, just for the sake of helping someone I care about.

 

3. Abandon her completely like everyone else in her life has and move on with the thought that I do not need this kind of stress at age 18.

 

Any thoughts people? this is a delicate scenario...

[Xenon2]

Damn, that doesn't sound very fun.

 

I don't think you can friend her. Hurting yourself to help her is bad. I really don't even think this is a legitimate option because you like her too much. If you think you can handle it though, go for it. it's the nice thing to do, but i don't really think the right thing to do. Of course there's a small chance she decides she wants to date you maybe down the line....but don't count on it.

 

Maybe you can try the dating thing although you made it pretty damn clear in your post that she's not really interested in that, so i think that would probably be another exercise in sadomasochism.

 

That pretty much leaves option 3. Sorry man, but you gotta life to live. You're 18y/o. Every single day you should be concentrating on being the best possible version of yourself. This girl is very doubtfully part of the picture based on everything you put up here.

 

I think you need to save yourself man. she is a new person in your life. you're in lust right now, you want what you cannot have. plus your 18, so yeah, good luck keeping that in check lol. you don't have to completely excommunicate with her...but think about your own emotional stability and welfare. If you end up getting hurt I think you will strongly regret it.

[Augman]

Damn, that doesn't sound very fun.

 

I don't think you can friend her. Hurting yourself to help her is bad. I really don't even think this is a legitimate option because you like her too much. If you think you can handle it though, go for it. it's the nice thing to do, but i don't really think the right thing to do. Of course there's a small chance she decides she wants to date you maybe down the line....but don't count on it.

 

Maybe you can try the dating thing although you made it pretty damn clear in your post that she's not really interested in that, so i think that would probably be another exercise in sadomasochism.

 

That pretty much leaves option 3. Sorry man, but you gotta life to live. You're 18y/o. Every single day you should be concentrating on being the best possible version of yourself. This girl is very doubtfully part of the picture based on everything you put up here.

 

I think you need to save yourself man. she is a new person in your life. you're in lust right now, you want what you cannot have. plus your 18, so yeah, good luck keeping that in check lol. you don't have to completely excommunicate with her...but think about your own emotional stability and welfare. If you end up getting hurt I think you will strongly regret it.

 

Thanks so much for the input! I see what you are saying with the "you want what you cant have" and I've heard that a lot in the dating world, but I basically had her, and I'm not type to get bored and leave once I get what I wanted (aka just wanting it for the challenge, not the actual product, which I have heard many people of doing). I'm just not that type, so if I DID get her, I'd probably keep her.

 

I try my hardest to be the best person I can, which is why simply leaving her like everyone else in her life would kill me on the inside; especially with the feelings I still harbor.

 

I've read up a bit on the commitment issue and I feel like "her" that loved being with me was the true "her", and that this new "her" that resents the thought of spending more than a couple months with me is nothing but a mask caused by her phobia or commitment. Which makes me wonder how she could feel if it were possible to work past her phobia... I'm thinking if she COULD get past it, she would be back to her normal self that loves to be around me, but who knows, that's a guess...

 

I'd LOVE to hear anyone else that has input on this unique scenario!

[Emilia]

To be honest, I am not that guy... I'm the most caring guy in the world with a heart of gold and I would still LOVE to be with her, and help her through her issues. After some thinking and searching the internet, I believe her fear of commitment is on the major side, as every part of her childhood has pointed to abandonment. Her ex cheated on her after a year of being together. She wont even let her mother near her because of how terrible she was. A very bad childhood and literally abandoned by every single person she knew. Not for a second do i blame her for her issues, and I know know that her past is the cause of ALL her issues.

I've stopped reading after this. Don't be the codependent people fixing guy OP. It doesn't work, it's a form of control and it doesn't come from a good place. She has to work through her own issues, you can't rescue her, you can't save her, you can't make her do what she doesn't really want to do. She has to do this all for herself, probably when she is older.

 

You absolutely have to cut contact with her. Your situation is not unique.

[giblesp]

Her heads not on right. Go out with this girl and she'll be like she is constantly.

 

If someone says to you, we went out on a date and I got what I wanted and that's it, that's actually pretty disgusting.

I'd point that out to her and move on. Or just move on.

 

Maybe she has been through a tough time, but that never excuses giving someone abuse. Don't take abuse from women in your life, because they've had a tough time. They'll resent you for it.

 

And never settle for friendship in the hope of something more, this weakens your masculinity. Go NC, and only become friends if that's all you want.

 

Don't become a girlfriends psychologist, you're a boyfriend or a potential boyfriend, not a psychologist.

Edited May 29, 2014 by giblesp

[d0nnivain]

I'd pick # 3. Although you are not abandoning her. You can't abandon someone after 3 weeks.

 

What are you doing after high school? If you are off to college in the Fall, the last thing you need is a clingy desperate GF at home in constant need of reassurance.

 

The lesson here, btw, is that early on (within 3 weeks) not every aspect of every relationship has to be labeled & discussed to death. It's OK to let it grow organically before defining it.

 

If you must stay in contact, opt for non-exclusive dating. Wait a bit then reach out & ask her on a date. Pick a time & place. While on the date tell her some version of the following: You like her but you want to respect her desire not to be exclusive. You don't want to be just her friend because in your world friends don't kiss, cuddle or spend the night together but you would like to date her, no pressure. See what she says. Do not attempt to have this discussion via text or some other electronic means.

[Augman]

Thanks everyone for the input.

 

I'd pick # 3. Although you are not abandoning her. You can't abandon someone after 3 weeks.

 

What are you doing after high school? If you are off to college in the Fall, the last thing you need is a clingy desperate GF at home in constant need of reassurance.

 

The lesson here, btw, is that early on (within 3 weeks) not every aspect of every relationship has to be labeled & discussed to death. It's OK to let it grow organically before defining it.

 

If you must stay in contact, opt for non-exclusive dating. Wait a bit then reach out & ask her on a date. Pick a time & place. While on the date tell her some version of the following: You like her but you want to respect her desire not to be exclusive. You don't want to be just her friend because in your world friends don't kiss, cuddle or spend the night together but you would like to date her, no pressure. See what she says. Do not attempt to have this discussion via text or some other electronic means.

 

As for you sir, you make some valid points. I do want to point out that even though 3 weeks sounds like a very short period of time, out relationship was explosive and we had mor happen within 3 weeks than ive honestly had happen in over 3 months... We had non stop contact and loved it, which is unfortunetly what triggered her commitment phobia so soon.

 

You have a very good idea of how i should go about dating her if i want to go that route, however, i dont think she realizes that her commitment phobia is the root cause of all of her issues, (bi-polar, and she plans on moving to like kansas or something after high school, which i believe is nothing but her phobia creating a reason for her not to get commited to anything here where she lives now) and i thought explaining that to her would aid her moving past her phobia if we go back to dating.

 

But that was just my thoughts...

 

Also yes i plan on going to college in the fall, and probably staying in the area, which means IF she stayed in the area as well, things would be fine... But like i said she told me she plans on moving which is why she cant get commited (which like I said i think is nothing but a reason she made to not get committed to anything here..)

 

I do feel its important to let her know why she is thinking so oddly, without beig her phyciatrist as others pointed out..

[d0nnivain]

First, I'm a woman not a sir.

 

Second, you already know you can't be her shrink.

 

Third, if she has it in her head that she won't date because she's leaving in a year, you are not going to be able to change that.

[Augman]

First, I'm a woman not a sir.

 

Second, you already know you can't be her shrink.

 

Third, if she has it in her head that she won't date because she's leaving in a year, you are not going to be able to change that.

 

Im so sorry miss!

 

I do disagree -in a way- to your second point though... I see no way to overcome a commitment phobia without commitment. And if you cant commit alone because of commitment phobia, something along the lines of a caring boyfriend is what sounds to me the solution, Because then not only is there something to commit to, but also something to be less worried of abandonment if its the right guy. As of right now she has no one in her life truly committed to her, and without anyone to commit too, I just don't foresee her fixing this alone, and since i DO want to be "with" her, i would at least like to give it a shot...

 

Also as for your third point... I don't know, i just don't know... She has convinced herself that she has had these plans for years and she still plans on moving, but she has no reason too. She wants to because some childhood friend lives there and I guess its basically the only person that she really knows. She seems very alone and wants a place to call home so i understand her wanting to move to live with the only person she really knows, but i just don't know, it seems odd and i think if by some miracle she could allow herself to commit to someone else (aka possibly me) I think she would have a change of plans. That is a huge maybe considering how major her commitment phobia is however..

 

I know its not in her head that she cant date because we did date, and said theres a slight possibility of us dating later on, so she obviously has some mixed feelings

Edited May 29, 2014 by Augman

[d0nnivain]

If you had met me as a teenaged girl you would probably say I was a commitment phobe.

 

In HS, I dated a guy. When he called me his GF after a few months, I freaked & broke up with him. Being labled somehow made me feel like less of an individual & that I was subordinate to him. I know it wasn't logical but I really couldn't handle being somebody's GF.

 

In college I think my longest relationship was 2 months. I loved the chase but didn't care for the work of a relationship. I'd been so nerdy in high school, the veritable candy store of cute guys was more than I wanted to resist.

 

After grad school I planned on moving across the country. My BF at the time wanted me to settle down. I ended up staying because I couldn't get a job in California not because he wanted me to stay.

 

You don't really know why she's afraid of commitment or why she is hanging on to the dream of moving. If you do care about her you do have to respect her choices. Coming on too strong will alienate this girl.

[Augman]

If you had met me as a teenaged girl you would probably say I was a commitment phobe.

 

In HS, I dated a guy. When he called me his GF after a few months, I freaked & broke up with him. Being labled somehow made me feel like less of an individual & that I was subordinate to him. I know it wasn't logical but I really couldn't handle being somebody's GF.

 

In college I think my longest relationship was 2 months. I loved the chase but didn't care for the work of a relationship. I'd been so nerdy in high school, the veritable candy store of cute guys was more than I wanted to resist.

 

After grad school I planned on moving across the country. My BF at the time wanted me to settle down. I ended up staying because I couldn't get a job in California not because he wanted me to stay.

 

You don't really know why she's afraid of commitment or why she is hanging on to the dream of moving. If you do care about her you do have to respect her choices. Coming on too strong will alienate this girl.

 

Wow thanks for that, and you're right, coming on too strong is what ruined things in the first place, but one night we were on the phone and she was crying telling me how every person she has cared about has left her completely, not to mention her past bad relationship. Personally i do believe those are the whole cause of her commitment phobia.

[d0nnivain]

Wow thanks for that, and you're right, coming on too strong is what ruined things in the first place, but one night we were on the phone and she was crying telling me how every person she has cared about has left her completely, not to mention her past bad relationship. Personally i do believe those are the whole cause of her commitment phobia.

 

I'm sure they were contributing factors but . . . . this is a crude analogy but try to follow the logic.

 

Did you ever see the Dog Whisperer deal with a scared animal? He sits down & ignores the dog. Eventually it gets curious & starts sniffing the air. Slowly it creeps closer. If he approached the dog head on, it would bite him.

 

You have to let her some to you. Demonstrate that it's safe for her to do so but stop trying to talk it to death, to analyze her or to "fix" her.

[Augman]

I'm sure they were contributing factors but . . . . this is a crude analogy but try to follow the logic.

 

Did you ever see the Dog Whisperer deal with a scared animal? He sits down & ignores the dog. Eventually it gets curious & starts sniffing the air. Slowly it creeps closer. If he approached the dog head on, it would bite him.

 

You have to let her some to you. Demonstrate that it's safe for her to do so but stop trying to talk it to death, to analyze her or to "fix" her.

 

Im the type of person that knows there must be a logical answer to everything on earth, and yeah, i overanalyze pretty much everything.

 

You make perfect sense with your analogy. I just wish i could tell her how it is and what i want but as you said, that will scare her even farther, so I'm stuck hoping she will come to me.

 

Im worried she will do the typical commitment phoebe thing and just skip on to her next short term fling... In the perfect world Id like to stop the cycle at me.

 

Big thanks for all your input though, i really do over-analyze ..

[Emilia]

I do disagree -in a way- to your second point though... I see no way to overcome a commitment phobia without commitment. And if you cant commit alone because of commitment phobia, something along the lines of a caring boyfriend is what sounds to me the solution,

You are so wrong about this. What you are getting yourself into is a very unhealthy codependent relationship with an emotionally unstable woman.

 

What kind of family do you come from OP? Are your parents divorced?

 

Also, regarding this girl: does she go quiet on you sometimes? Do her moods flip unexpectedly? Does she seem a bit... off with you after being really needy and nice?

[Augman]

You are so wrong about this. What you are getting yourself into is a very unhealthy codependent relationship with an emotionally unstable woman.

 

What kind of family do you come from OP? Are your parents divorced?

 

Also, regarding this girl: does she go quiet on you sometimes? Do her moods flip unexpectedly? Does she seem a bit... off with you after being really needy and nice?

 

Doesnt it make sense that commitment phobia is a difficult phobia because it takes commitment to overcome any phobia?

 

As for your questions i come from a divorced family yes, my parents were happily married for 30 years until major deaths in the family and my mothers menopause was simply too much. They are now seperated but talk frequently. I currently live with my father, an emotionless control freak. I know what you're trying to get at...

 

Anyways, as for HER, she was very loving and cutesy all the time, constantly talking about how she wanted to be next to me cuddling etc etc.. In person she seemed a little hesitant but usually initiated things herself. After i mentioned commitment the first time is when her mood flipped 100% and has been quiet on me ever since...

[Emilia]

Doesnt it make sense that commitment phobia is a difficult phobia because it takes commitment to overcome any phobia?

What makes sense is that you cannot change a person. You cannot put their needs before yours. It's a sign in your own psychology that you are drawn towards broken people that need 'fixing' (they don't, by the way). It's to avoid dealing with your own issues. That's why codependents date alcoholics and people with personality disorders....

As for your questions i come from a divorced family yes, my parents were happily married for 30 years until major deaths in the family and my mothers menopause was simply too much. They are now seperated but talk frequently. I currently live with my father, an emotionless control freak. I know what you're trying to get at...

Children of divorced parents often seek broken relationships to attempt to fix their own abandonment issues. You have this problem as much as the girl you are trying to help. It's a form of control.

Anyways, as for HER, she was very loving and cutesy all the time, constantly talking about how she wanted to be next to me cuddling etc etc.. In person she seemed a little hesitant but usually initiated things herself. After i mentioned commitment the first time is when her mood flipped 100% and has been quiet on me ever since...

Does the hesitant mean mood changes in her while you were together? Like she would be happy and cutesy one minute then look as if a cloud has come over her face?

 

How does she get on with her parents? You said everyone leaves her. Do you get the hunch that she kind of blames others?

[Augman]

What makes sense is that you cannot change a person. You cannot put their needs before yours. It's a sign in your own psychology that you are drawn towards broken people that need 'fixing' (they don't, by the way). It's to avoid dealing with your own issues. That's why codependents date alcoholics and people with personality disorders....

 

Children of divorced parents often seek broken relationships to attempt to fix their own abandonment issues. You have this problem as much as the girl you are trying to help. It's a form of control.

 

Does the hesitant mean mood changes in her while you were together? Like she would be happy and cutesy one minute then look as if a cloud has come over her face?

 

How does she get on with her parents? You said everyone leaves her. Do you get the hunch that she kind of blames others?

 

Interesting theory with me having the same issues, except two things seem odd. Last year i did some pretty heavy soul searching and I've thought of myself to have a very level head ever since. Ive been a straight arrow my whole life. I know what i want, i want a commitment relationship, but i also realize I'm in too much of a hurry for it, especially for my age. This adds to me not giving up with some woman...

 

I thought phobias could be overcome... I don't see it as changing who a person is, just more so overcoming an obstacle. I know there is a huge population with a fear of commitment and there are ways of overcoming it i know that.

 

As far as her parents go, thats a real slippery slope... Honestly its pretty bad: her father left early on and her mother was a druggie that didn't give a **** about her. She did a few bad things she told me just to get attention from her mother, and it didn't work. As of right now she has a stressful time with her parents. As of right now she has a restraining order against her mother who occasionally shows up at her house, causing a fuss and requires her to call the police, and her father lives somewhere in Georgia, with limited contact to her.

 

I almost forgot to add, you say I'm attracted to people that need fixing, but unless it was subconsciously, i really had no idea this girl was going to be like this. She was loving as could be and thats all i could have ever hoped for. I really dint think i was looking for problems..

[Phew]

I've stopped reading after this. Don't be the codependent people fixing guy OP. It doesn't work, it's a form of control and it doesn't come from a good place. She has to work through her own issues, you can't rescue her, you can't save her, you can't make her do what she doesn't really want to do. She has to do this all for herself, probably when she is older.

 

You absolutely have to cut contact with her. Your situation is not unique.

 

This is exactly the same situation I am currently in. A lovely girl, who had issues that I tried to solve. It wasn't working, she has to solve them for herself. If her parents knew about yourself, they'd probably love you to bits and try to convince her daughter you should be with this bloke from their opinion, but I couldn't ever get to speak to her parents.

 

This is horrible, and likewise is your situation. Just stick to your own resolutions buddy, I am trying to as well. It's not the same 'love' effect you will get when you're older, as she's likely to change her view on her. She affected me for a long time, and still is to be honest. She would now ignore my friendly messages. It's just how the world is. I'm going to ask what other people think on another post soon, but as hard as it is, just keep moving forward.

 

Coming from a guy who helped a girl out like crazy but didn't give me respect back. Time is a healer, as they say

[Phew]

Im the type of person that knows there must be a logical answer to everything on earth, and yeah, i overanalyze pretty much everything.

 

You make perfect sense with your analogy. I just wish i could tell her how it is and what i want but as you said, that will scare her even farther, so I'm stuck hoping she will come to me.

 

Im worried she will do the typical commitment phoebe thing and just skip on to her next short term fling... In the perfect world Id like to stop the cycle at me.

 

Big thanks for all your input though, i really do over-analyze ..

 

You are a similar person to me my friend. I wish we could solve both of our problems together! Just realise how good people we are, and think to ours, 'wow, I helped somebody out of their problems, people must look up to me for that.'

And because of this, you will think positively and find someone who is lovely & amazing. Trust me.

[Augman]

This is exactly the same situation I am currently in. A lovely girl, who had issues that I tried to solve. It wasn't working, she has to solve them for herself. If her parents knew about yourself, they'd probably love you to bits and try to convince her daughter you should be with this bloke from their opinion, but I couldn't ever get to speak to her parents.

 

This is horrible, and likewise is your situation. Just stick to your own resolutions buddy, I am trying to as well. It's not the same 'love' effect you will get when you're older, as she's likely to change her view on her. She affected me for a long time, and still is to be honest. She would now ignore my friendly messages. It's just how the world is. I'm going to ask what other people think on another post soon, but as hard as it is, just keep moving forward.

 

Coming from a guy who helped a girl out like crazy but didn't give me respect back. Time is a healer, as they say

 

I feel your pain, thankfully I don't think im nearly as deep in as your situation, because I haven't even attempted "helping" her yet really. I knew things get complicated when attempting to overcome issues like this which is EXACTLY why I told her i'm going no contact for a few days, so I could come here and see whats up before I screw up even more...

[Augman]

Does the hesitant mean mood changes in her while you were together? Like she would be happy and cutesy one minute then look as if a cloud has come over her face?

 

Honestly I don't think so: any time we were together she seemed ecstatic to be around me and loving as could be! She seemed perfectly normal until I suggested the horrible subject of "Commitment" THAT is when the world flipped upside down

[Phew]

I feel your pain, thankfully I don't think im nearly as deep in as your situation, because I haven't even attempted "helping" her yet really. I knew things get complicated when attempting to overcome issues like this which is EXACTLY why I told her i'm going no contact for a few days, so I could come here and see whats up before I screw up even more...

 

Yes, my situation is pretty horrible. I've just posted it fully onto the site.

[mortensorchid]

It doesn't really matter the circumstances leading up to her decision to be like she is now, because there is really nothing you could do about it. You could bend to her ever whim, you could defy her, you could be indifferent, you could be attentive, etc. Whatever you do, she's not budging on this one. Move on and find someone else who cares at least a little more than she does.

[Emilia]

Interesting theory with me having the same issues, except two things seem odd. Last year i did some pretty heavy soul searching and I've thought of myself to have a very level head ever since. Ive been a straight arrow my whole life. I know what i want, i want a commitment relationship, but i also realize I'm in too much of a hurry for it, especially for my age. This adds to me not giving up with some woman...

 

I thought phobias could be overcome... I don't see it as changing who a person is, just more so overcoming an obstacle. I know there is a huge population with a fear of commitment and there are ways of overcoming it i know that.

 

As far as her parents go, thats a real slippery slope... Honestly its pretty bad: her father left early on and her mother was a druggie that didn't give a **** about her. She did a few bad things she told me just to get attention from her mother, and it didn't work. As of right now she has a stressful time with her parents. As of right now she has a restraining order against her mother who occasionally shows up at her house, causing a fuss and requires her to call the police, and her father lives somewhere in Georgia, with limited contact to her.

 

I almost forgot to add, you say I'm attracted to people that need fixing, but unless it was subconsciously, i really had no idea this girl was going to be like this. She was loving as could be and thats all i could have ever hoped for. I really dint think i was looking for problems..

 

So..... something like this? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway

[Emilia]

I thought phobias could be overcome... I don't see it as changing who a person is, just more so overcoming an obstacle. I know there is a huge population with a fear of commitment and there are ways of overcoming it i know that.

It's not a phobia like being scared of spiders. Besides, it's not for you to decide, it's for her. Not that she is capable of it anyway. She switched off contact with you because you triggered her issues when you mentioned commitment. She isn't capable of it (read link I posted).

I almost forgot to add, you say I'm attracted to people that need fixing, but unless it was subconsciously, i really had no idea this girl was going to be like this. She was loving as could be and thats all i could have ever hoped for. I really dint think i was looking for problems..

It is subconscious and it is something you will have to fight for the rest of your life. Unfortunately us codependents seek out people that we believe need us and it's an incredibly hard habit to break, might not even possible.