how to cope with an emotionally unavailable man?

[bellabella1234]

how to cope with an emotionally unavailable man?

Hi there...I'll make my story as short as possible. In fact, I can't believe that I've come to the point where I need to post my story on a forum to get an advice..I've never been in a situation like this, but here we go:

 

4 months ago I have found a job on another continent, and I have relocated. Before I relocated, I had a great relationship with the guy of my dreams. We've been together for 2 years and he has been treating me like a princess all the time. I can't say that I loved him back as much as he loved me, but we had a relationship full of trust, care, affection and so on..

 

So I relocated and started my new job. The job is amazing and as soon as I arrived, I met a man (one of my colleagues). He works in another department, but he always passed by to greet me and speak to me. From the first moment I saw him, I thought "my god he is hot, i hope I won't get into trouble with him". But my guts didn't lie to me.

 

When I left, me and my boyfriend of 2 years decided to initiate a long-distance relationship and see how it goes. So as the time passed by, everything went fine with our r-ship since we both trust each other 100%. One day, I was on my way home from work, and this hot man picked me up with his car. He is 14 years older than me, me being 22 and him being 36. (Yea i know it sounds wrong already). At the time he picked me up, I thought he was married cause that's what I've heard from my colleagues.

We exchanged numbers (for emergency cases) and he started texting me. Soon enough, he informed me that he was separated with his wife and they broke up just recently. He let me know that he was attracted to me, he liked how I looked and he wanted to hit it with me - in a sexual way ONLY of course. As I consider myself beautiful and I don't have trouble finding a man, I refused that kind of approach towards me. I told him I wasn't a girl that would do a "no strings attached" and that I like when men treat me with respect and care. Plus I had a long-distance r-ship with my bf, and the last thing I wanted to do was cheat on him. Days went by and he kept on hitting on me. My walls were strong and I kept on refusing him. He always passed by the department I work just to fool around, drop some jokes and give me those looks. Then later in the evening he would randomly text me how I was doing and try to hit on me - but as usually, without success.

 

Long story short, this has been going on for 2 months now. He has tried all the approaches - texting me in a kinky-dirty way, sweet-talking me, ignoring me, making fun of me - everything. As I was attracted to him from the very start, it became more and more difficult for me to keep my walls high. I started giving in and playing his texting game. A few times I even gave him a hint that I was up to hitting it with him, but when he texted me "can I come over?" - my dignity took over and I refused. That happened several times. He made it clear to me from the very start that he does not want any kind of relationship as he just got out of his marriage.

 

A few days ago my patience has finished. He was sweet-talking me for a few days in a row, playing the good guy, and I couldn't take it anymore. I said we could meet and we could "spend some time together". When the actual date day came, he texted me only like at 11pm saying "whats' up". As my dignity and attitude was still struggling, I couldn't let myself become his hook up for one night or a call girl and I got really mad. I thought he finally wanted to spend some quality time with me, but of course, I was wrong. I threw a long message at him, telling him not to text me ever again and stop bothering me, and that I would never let him treat me like that. He replied that I have a great girl attitude and he will not bother me again.

 

Its been a few days and I just can't shake it off. I think of him all the time, and I want him so bad. Call me stupid, call me whatever you want, but this is the first time I'm dealing with this. I just can't stand this guy. Whenever I see him, my heart drops and starts beating like crazy. I feel like strangling him and at the same time, my entire body is clinging on to him and I don't know what to do about it. Am I in love with a man I had nothing with besides a whats'up conversation? I know I did the right thing by NOT giving in to him, but I feel so sour and so frustrated right now. He will probably never text me again and I feel like I lost that little attention he gave me. I feel retarded and I hate myself for feeling how I feel. Isn't this retarded? I haven't spoken to my boyfriend for days because I can't get this guy out of my freaking mind. Somebody please help..

[mummyjonno]

You don't tolerate it you run. No good can come from a commitment phobic and an emotionally absent person.

 

The only good to come from this is you running. You could get extremely hurt if you don't.

Edited May 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted full quote

[Smilecharmer]

You obviously want to screw this guy. This isn't about feelings but about lust. You said your bf loved you more than you love him and I agree or you wouldn't even be thinking of this man. Break up with yr bf so he can have someone who loves him equally, have sex with the possibly still married man, get your ego bruised by his inability to be warm and fuzzy, take a hit to your self esteem every time the older man wants to hit it with you, become his FWB, his probable mistress as your pride is destroyed and you sink lower and lower into depression assuaging your ego by becoming obsessed with someone who only wants to screw. It is obvious you want to be treated like dirt, so go for it but let yr nice bf go.

[GoreSP]

I didn't read your whole post…but I'll answer your main question anyway.

 

You don't. Simple as that

[Elle1975]

Run. He made it clear, he said it, he wants to have fun.

Edited May 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted full quote

[FitChick]

He SAYS he is separated but you don't know for sure, especially if he wants to come to your place. Even if he is separated, a separated man doesn't want a serious relationship with anyone. He wants to make up for lost time by having fun fun fun (sex) with as many women as possible. Don't be a sucker.

 

You miss your boyfriend. When can he visit you or when can you see him? Be together one more time before deciding to dump him or not. Even if you dump him, don't date this other guy who is a waste of time. Find someone who is legally and emotionally available who is your own age.

[bellabella1234]

thank you all guys for taking the time to read through this and write a reply for me!

I really appreciate the effort!

I agree with everything that FitChick says, and I believe that its my loneliness that speaks for me rather than my heart.

I have been alone here for 4 months now and i start feeling extremely lonely and I miss my bf's care and love.

I guess I was trying to look for a replacement for him, but its hard to find another guy that would love me so much as my bf did. Maybe its a good time for him to visit me because frankly speaking, I am loosing my mind here.

I know that when I dated my bf for 2 years, there was not one single time that I looked at another guy and thought of dating someone else. I felt happy with him and I guess its this happiness that i miss...

Now that I think of it more, I don't think I am really in love with this guy. Obviously I didn't JUST want sex from him - i wanted him to spend time with me and care for me just as my bf did...but it's not going to happen of course..thank you all guys!

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, this is definitely retarded. If you have sex with this still-married guy, he's going to use you and lose you, and you'll be left feeling like a complete fool - and you will have cheated on your bf, so you'll have to live with that.

[Hopeful30]

If he's emotionally unavailable then why are you even wasting your time with him?

[bellabella1234]

honestly, I just thought maybe he would change his behavior, which was stupid of me. I thought that it was his sort of defense or his mask...you know, I just couldn't handle the fact that the guy I wanted so badly didn't want me back in the same way. I wanted to have him, because I was physically attracted to him, but again, I knew I was bound to get hurt.

I will get over it eventually, it makes it harder seeing him every day, but I'll have to deal with it....

[soccerrprp]

Honestly, I believe you should let your bf go NOW. You've already shown an interest in cheating on him so do the honorable thing and tell your bf that the LDR is not working for you. You're a cheater in the making....

[thecrucible]

Hm yes stay away. You don't know enough about him. Getting jiggy with him would be a mistake and could cause all sorts of trouble. The high you get from the thrill of the chase is a lot better than the outcome of said chase.

[Ruby Slippers]

honestly, I just thought maybe he would change his behavior, which was stupid of me.

Not stupid, just naive. We've all been there. But guess what? This board is full of women who have a lot more experience with life and men. So if you find yourself in these situations in the future, now you know you have a smart resource to turn to before you do something you'll regret.

 

Believe what people show you from the get-go, because that is who they are. People don't change much - and if they do, it typically takes yeeeeaaaaars. This guy is targeting you because you're young, alone in a new country, and he sees you as vulnerable and easy. If he doesn't get his fangs into you, he'll be on to the next prey very soon.

 

you know, I just couldn't handle the fact that the guy I wanted so badly didn't want me back in the same way. I wanted to have him, because I was physically attracted to him, but again, I knew I was bound to get hurt.

I will get over it eventually, it makes it harder seeing him every day, but I'll have to deal with it....

If I were you, I would essentially ignore him - be cordial if you must, but avoid eye contact or any interaction unless you absolutely have to do it.

 

And make some female friends in the new country. You're not going to do very well without a support system in your new place of residence.

[bellabella1234]

thank you SO MUCH Ruby Slippers! You gave me such a beautiful piece of advice!

I think the problem with me being emotionally vulnerable goes deep into my past. For the past 6 years now I have been travelling due to studies and now finally, due to work...I lived in several different countries, and it has always been hard for me to find female friends..I guess if I had a good friend to cry to, I would not end up here..the problem is, when you're not staying in the same place for too long, its hard to build lasting r-ships..

Plus, I've never had so much luck with girls..girls tend to ignore me or stay away from me, and not because Im not friendly (trust me, I'm very sociable and easy-going)..maybe because I am good looking, and they always get jealous..

So I've noticed a pattern in my behavior..as I have no success with girls, I have a lot of success in winning men's attention. everytime i move to a new country i find myself looking for someone to stick with, because i naturally feel very lonely...I always look for someone to talk to and hang out with, because that's our humans' natural instinct....

As girls are usually friendly with me but they never come too close, I always tend to find myself in short-term r-ships looking for the right guy to take care of me..for the past 2 years I've had my bf be next to me, as we lived in the same country...I felt perfectly happy and at peace, and I could always feel that he loves me and cares for me way more.

So I moved again and now he is not by my side, so I automatically start looking for someone to replace him...I don't know what to do about myself...I just can't stop being so emotionally vulnerable and believe me - I hate this about myself! I absolutely do!

I want to be stronger, I want to be more ignorant to people, more confident and more careless...but I can't..I get infatuated very easily, I fall in love easily, Im easily affected by someone's opinion and I just don't know how to deal with this...Even with this guy...trust me that in my mind I absolutely understand what an ******* he is and how worthless he is....but there is this other, emotional side of me that is craving for care, attention and just companionship..it always did....

sorry for making this so long....I just felt like venting this out.....

[Ruby Slippers]

thank you SO MUCH Ruby Slippers! You gave me such a beautiful piece of advice!

You're welcome

 

Plus, I've never had so much luck with girls..girls tend to ignore me or stay away from me, and not because Im not friendly (trust me, I'm very sociable and easy-going)..maybe because I am good looking, and they always get jealous..

People tend to click best with people who have similar experiences in life. Get out into your new city and do things you enjoy doing, and you're bound to meet some nice women and make some new female friends. Trust me, a good girlfriend will be there for you long after many men will. A real friend is someone you'll still be able to call decades from now when you're 50 and having problems with your husband, kids, menopause, or whatever.

 

I've lived abroad a couple of times, too, and the first thing I did was make friends with women I had something in common with. I'm still friends with some of these women today, and when they visit my country, they stay with me and we have a blast

 

Even with this guy...trust me that in my mind I absolutely understand what an ******* he is and how worthless he is....but there is this other, emotional side of me that is craving for care, attention and just companionship..it always did....

Make it your goal to make one new female friend in May. If you really want to make this happen, you can

[Poppygoodwill]

HE IS MARRIED.

 

I don't mean "he's separated". I mean I would bet you that he still ives happily with his blissfully ignorant wife who has no idea that he's working so hard to get you into bed.

 

If you live in a foreign county that means you're part of a relatively small community of expats. They all talk and they all know what's going on. I'm sure many of them know this man's pattern and you are not the first new girl he has fixed on and tried to seduce. In fact I bet you that you are one in a long line.

 

If you sleep with him, you will ruin your reputation and destroy your credibility, both at professionally and personally.

[Elle1975]

honestly, I just thought maybe he would change his behavior, which was stupid of me. I thought that it was his sort of defense or his mask...you know, I just couldn't handle the fact that the guy I wanted so badly didn't want me back in the same way. I wanted to have him, because I was physically attracted to him, but again, I knew I was bound to get hurt.

I will get over it eventually, it makes it harder seeing him every day, but I'll have to deal with it....

 

You never change a man who wants to sleep around/player/unavailable etc... I see a lot of women posting about it. You do not change them. You run for the hills.

 

They often make it clear when they meet someone. People dont want to hear it. Think they are the exeption to the rule. Nop. Yeah, okay, one day they eventually settle down, after they break how many hearts though?

[Babolat]

how to cope with an emotionally unavailable man?

Hi there...I'll make my story as short as possible. In fact, I can't believe that I've come to the point where I need to post my story on a forum to get an advice..I've never been in a situation like this, but here we go:

 

4 months ago I have found a job on another continent, and I have relocated. Before I relocated, I had a great relationship with the guy of my dreams. We've been together for 2 years and he has been treating me like a princess all the time. I can't say that I loved him back as much as he loved me, but we had a relationship full of trust, care, affection and so on..

 

So I relocated and started my new job. The job is amazing and as soon as I arrived, I met a man (one of my colleagues). He works in another department, but he always passed by to greet me and speak to me. From the first moment I saw him, I thought "my god he is hot, i hope I won't get into trouble with him". But my guts didn't lie to me.

 

When I left, me and my boyfriend of 2 years decided to initiate a long-distance relationship and see how it goes. So as the time passed by, everything went fine with our r-ship since we both trust each other 100%. One day, I was on my way home from work, and this hot man picked me up with his car. He is 14 years older than me, me being 22 and him being 36. (Yea i know it sounds wrong already). At the time he picked me up, I thought he was married cause that's what I've heard from my colleagues.

We exchanged numbers (for emergency cases) and he started texting me. Soon enough, he informed me that he was separated with his wife and they broke up just recently. He let me know that he was attracted to me, he liked how I looked and he wanted to hit it with me - in a sexual way ONLY of course. As I consider myself beautiful and I don't have trouble finding a man, I refused that kind of approach towards me. I told him I wasn't a girl that would do a "no strings attached" and that I like when men treat me with respect and care. Plus I had a long-distance r-ship with my bf, and the last thing I wanted to do was cheat on him. Days went by and he kept on hitting on me. My walls were strong and I kept on refusing him. He always passed by the department I work just to fool around, drop some jokes and give me those looks. Then later in the evening he would randomly text me how I was doing and try to hit on me - but as usually, without success.

 

Long story short, this has been going on for 2 months now. He has tried all the approaches - texting me in a kinky-dirty way, sweet-talking me, ignoring me, making fun of me - everything. As I was attracted to him from the very start, it became more and more difficult for me to keep my walls high. I started giving in and playing his texting game. A few times I even gave him a hint that I was up to hitting it with him, but when he texted me "can I come over?" - my dignity took over and I refused. That happened several times. He made it clear to me from the very start that he does not want any kind of relationship as he just got out of his marriage.

 

A few days ago my patience has finished. He was sweet-talking me for a few days in a row, playing the good guy, and I couldn't take it anymore. I said we could meet and we could "spend some time together". When the actual date day came, he texted me only like at 11pm saying "whats' up". As my dignity and attitude was still struggling, I couldn't let myself become his hook up for one night or a call girl and I got really mad. I thought he finally wanted to spend some quality time with me, but of course, I was wrong. I threw a long message at him, telling him not to text me ever again and stop bothering me, and that I would never let him treat me like that. He replied that I have a great girl attitude and he will not bother me again.

 

Its been a few days and I just can't shake it off. I think of him all the time, and I want him so bad. Call me stupid, call me whatever you want, but this is the first time I'm dealing with this. I just can't stand this guy. Whenever I see him, my heart drops and starts beating like crazy. I feel like strangling him and at the same time, my entire body is clinging on to him and I don't know what to do about it. Am I in love with a man I had nothing with besides a whats'up conversation? I know I did the right thing by NOT giving in to him, but I feel so sour and so frustrated right now. He will probably never text me again and I feel like I lost that little attention he gave me. I feel retarded and I hate myself for feeling how I feel. Isn't this retarded? I haven't spoken to my boyfriend for days because I can't get this guy out of my freaking mind. Somebody please help..

Ah, sexual harassment is screaming here for starters.