justnotsure83 Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Right to keep a long story short ive been dating this woman for nearly 5 months, we've already said were soul mates and she loves me so much shes already spoken about kids and our future. Im crazy about her but.... the sex is pretty non existent unless i initiate, i dont mind but it can take 10-15 mins of massaging her sometimes and she still just wants to cuddle or makes up excuses as to why we cant do it that night. anyway it wasnt too big a issue until i spoke to a friend of mine who used to date her and he said she always initiated, was all over him, basically lusted after him loads. It made me sick to my stomach because shes always told me shes never fully finished with anyone else and i basically was the best shes ever had, when i bought up this issue (dumb move i no but was eating away at me) she replied 'its easier with someone you dont care about, im crazy about you and it makes me nervous ill do things wrong and youll leave me' can this be true? can a girl really be that nervous of losing you she never initiates contact or sends me flirty texts? i never get anything even on text yet he still had messages where she was messaging him first saying how much she wanted him. I really dont no what to do about this, believe her but another part of me says she loves my attention and because i look after her loads but doesnt find me sexually attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Look, this happened to me with my last girlfriend. I loved her so much that I was afraid of disappointing her.So every single time we tried to have sex, I couldn't get it up. Imagine that, I was so nervous, but she has patience with me, and I managed to solve this problem after 3 months. So it's possible to love you too much and thats why shes nervous...... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justnotsure83 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Share Posted April 4, 2014 Look, this happened to me with my last girlfriend. I loved her so much that I was afraid of disappointing her.So every single time we tried to have sex, I couldn't get it up. Imagine that, I was so nervous, but she has patience with me, and I managed to solve this problem after 3 months. So it's possible to love you too much and thats why shes nervous...... thank you for this Link to post Share on other sites
Author justnotsure83 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Share Posted April 4, 2014 Look, this happened to me with my last girlfriend. I loved her so much that I was afraid of disappointing her.So every single time we tried to have sex, I couldn't get it up. Imagine that, I was so nervous, but she has patience with me, and I managed to solve this problem after 3 months. So it's possible to love you too much and thats why shes nervous...... and when i have sat and thought i do realise ive done this before too, the more i like someone the more i struggle yet with her i find it so easy yet love her so much, thats what hurts Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 and when i have sat and thought i do realise ive done this before too, the more i like someone the more i struggle yet with her i find it so easy yet love her so much, thats what hurts It was killing me inside, I couldn't sleep properly a whole month, I was so disappointed every time I tried. I read a lot on the internet and found out that I was having an emotional problem. I was lucky because my girl was so patient with me . If it will turn out that your girl is having the same problem I did, then I suggest that you have patience with her and discuss the problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justnotsure83 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Share Posted April 4, 2014 It was killing me inside, I couldn't sleep properly a whole month, I was so disappointed every time I tried. I read a lot on the internet and found out that I was having an emotional problem. I was lucky because my girl was so patient with me . If it will turn out that your girl is having the same problem I did, then I suggest that you have patience with her and discuss the problem. I feel terrible because once we was trying and she actually got all giddy but to a point where it kept shocking her then i kind of moaned and she was nearly in tears saying things like 'im crap arent i?' no matter how much i said 'no youre the best ive had' (because she actually is because its with her) but she wont believe it. just hate how with other people she found it so easy Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 5 months is an awful long time to be sexually anxious around a boyfriend. How often do you see each other? Do you have sleep overs? How old are you and her? Children around? or other people around? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Definitely talk to her and never give up. Try using some lubes or something , give her a nice massage to relax her, put some sweet music, kiss her all over and in time it will be ok. From what you told me she is feeling super guilty about the whole situation, just like i felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justnotsure83 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Share Posted April 4, 2014 5 months is an awful long time to be sexually anxious around a boyfriend. How often do you see each other? Do you have sleep overs? How old are you and her? Children around? or other people around? shes 26 im 30, there is a child involved through an ex whos nearly 2 and we do spend a lot of time together and stay over id say 3 times a week roughly Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Would it be possibly you are not sexually compatible? Have you talked about what turns you on in the bedroom? Maybe she likes a more aggressive approach and you're coming on too gently. If I were in bed with a passive man it would take me time to get going because that's not my thing. Also a massage would put me to sleep it would not get me in the mood. Do you talk about these things? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justnotsure83 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Share Posted April 4, 2014 Would it be possibly you are not sexually compatible? Have you talked about what turns you on in the bedroom? Maybe she likes a more aggressive approach and you're coming on too gently. If I were in bed with a passive man it would take me time to get going because that's not my thing. Also a massage would put me to sleep it would not get me in the mood. Do you talk about these things? She has said she wants to be taken advantage of, but then when i try she pushes me off and says shes not in the mood, ive even tried saying .not bothered' and tried to carry on and then she got mad. next time she wanted a massage to get her in the mood and as you say i massaged her and she fell asleep, its killing me Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 She has said she wants to be taken advantage of, but then when i try she pushes me off and says shes not in the mood, ive even tried saying .not bothered' and tried to carry on and then she got mad. next time she wanted a massage to get her in the mood and as you say i massaged her and she fell asleep, its killing me This is strange , It seems like shes not making an effort to fix this problem. Maybe she's cheating on you...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justnotsure83 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Share Posted April 4, 2014 This is strange , It seems like shes not making an effort to fix this problem. Maybe she's cheating on you...... Thats another issue, she did cheat on her ex of 4 years but the honest part was she told me this after a month together with me, she told me shed never do it again because the guilt destroyed her and i kind of believe her, nothing much suggests shes cheating, she leaves her phone near me etc etc but i just dont get how she seems confident with other people, confidnet taking her clothes off around me etc but when it comes to flirting and sex shes the most uncomfindent person ive ever met. Another thing to annoy me is the fact i cant massage her for half an hour then if i ask her to massage me she just says 'i dont like doing it' so confused whether she is being honest or whether shes using all this as a way to always get her way and not have to do antyhing for me Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Shes selfish for not returning the favour. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Okay, here is my perspective on the subject. YES, I suppose it's very possible that men and women can fall into this odd space where they become sexual zombies with partners they really, really like for fear of disappointing them. It can be a self-imposed head game if you let it be. At the same time you could argue just as hard that BECAUSE you really, really like this new partner and really, really want it to work out that you would feel that much MORE comfortable being extra lovey-dovey and wanting to engage more sexually and elevate the level of intimacy. I know this is VERY true for ME. That's not to say I don't wonder, question, worry, whatever that I'm as good never mind better than my partner's previous girlfriends but that's what COMMUNICATION is for for heaven's sake. I mean, if you're throwing around the word soul mate, shouldn't that mean you're able to more easily talk about anything and everything at anytime? I agree that it sounds like she's being quite lazy and even selfish. She's happy to take but never gives? Not quite sure what that is all about since we're only hearing your side of the story but it's a bit f**ked up if my humble opinion. There are TWO people in a relationship after all and it takes TWO people to make or break it. It's an even exchange of give and take on BOTH sides. How is the sex with her when you finally get it? Is if the kind of sex you would expect from your soul mate? If not, maybe you're both trying to make something out of nothing. Maybe it's just another stop on the road TO your true soul mate. I agree that 5 months into your relationship and she's STILL using that excuse isn't looking too good. Unless you're really a d**k that's making her feel unnecessarily insecure and conveniently leaving that part of the equation out If you really care for this woman and you really see a future with her and want to work through this, you will have to have a serious talk to let her know how YOU feel and what YOU want and need. Period. Relationships are all about compromises. And love is supposed to be a selfless act not a selfish one. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Right to keep a long story short ive been dating this woman for nearly 5 months, we've already said were soul mates and she loves me so much shes already spoken about kids and our future. Im crazy about her but.... the sex is pretty non existent unless i initiate, i dont mind but it can take 10-15 mins of massaging her sometimes and she still just wants to cuddle or makes up excuses as to why we cant do it that night. anyway it wasnt too big a issue until i spoke to a friend of mine who used to date her and he said she always initiated, was all over him, basically lusted after him loads. It made me sick to my stomach because shes always told me shes never fully finished with anyone else and i basically was the best shes ever had, when i bought up this issue (dumb move i no but was eating away at me) she replied 'its easier with someone you dont care about, im crazy about you and it makes me nervous ill do things wrong and youll leave me' can this be true? can a girl really be that nervous of losing you she never initiates contact or sends me flirty texts? i never get anything even on text yet he still had messages where she was messaging him first saying how much she wanted him. I really dont no what to do about this, believe her but another part of me says she loves my attention and because i look after her loads but doesnt find me sexually attractive. I can't imagine a sane person would make up an excuse like this and remain in a relationship with someone they're not into... She's going to have to get over though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 She has said she wants to be taken advantage of, but then when i try she pushes me off and says shes not in the mood, ive even tried saying .not bothered' and tried to carry on and then she got mad. next time she wanted a massage to get her in the mood and as you say i massaged her and she fell asleep, its killing me WAIT A MINUTE: Here is what she said in your first post: * im crazy about you and it makes me nervous ill do things wrong and youll leave me'* BUT then she does not hesitate to push you off and does not hesitate to get mad at you??? I am starting to smell BS... Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 She has said she wants to be taken advantage of, but then when i try she pushes me off and says shes not in the mood, ive even tried saying .not bothered' and tried to carry on and then she got mad. next time she wanted a massage to get her in the mood and as you say i massaged her and she fell asleep, its killing me THIS does not sound like someone who is nervous. Frankly, if a guy can't get it up b/c he's nervous, that's one thing, but a woman who is acting like THAT...uh uh. I hate to say this, but if a woman is not feeling it, but WANTS to please her man, she will. She is out right rejecting you and giving you excuses that are not consistent with her behavior. If a woman really digs you, she MORE likely to want you, not less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 I just read your last thread where she kicked you out of her place and had you wait in your car while her child's dad picked the child. She also called you an idiot and broke up with you. Is this the same woman here, that loves you SO FREAKIN MUCH she is afraid of doing something stupid in bed and you'll leave her? Let me ask you .....are you by any chance financially comfortable? Link to post Share on other sites
twinkly84 Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 I think if you break it down simply here, communication is key. If she isn't discussing to you good or bad about what she's seeking, then, everything is going to be remained as strained. Maybe have her open up & discuss a fetish or fantasy she wants then, you can both try it. If then, there's problems, then perhaps counseling should be tried or maybe you both need to find other loves. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
hasaquestion Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Two possibilities: 1. She's not attracted to you. 2. She sucks at sex. People, or at least large percentages of them, are incompetent at most things. Why should sex be an exception? Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 I still can't get over the fact that you have to massage her for 10-15 minutes to get her "in the mood." Maybe step up your foreplay game a little....Cuddling and rubs are for AFTER the deed is done where I come from. Link to post Share on other sites
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