budley12 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Hello Loveshack users! I just wanted to ask for some quick input. My partner and I had quite a big fight regarding me logging onto his Facebook to check his messages. As a quick backstory, he had a full on affair with someone else for about 4 months (lied about it completely until I met the other person) while we were living in different countries. Over time, I attempted to forgive him and he subsequently gave me his Facebook password details in an attempt to show that I can trust him. I saw this as an open invitation to check his Facebook account to see if he was chatting with anyone that he shouldn't be. I checked a handful of times and didn't see any indication of further cheating. One evening when I checked, he was notified that I accessed his Facebook account and he became very defensive and said "I was wrong for sneaking behind his back checking his Facebook." Additionally, he has now increased the security on his account and I no longer have access to his messages. I then approached him about this and we got into a massive argument: He states; "He is pissed because I was snooping behind his back", and that "I should have looked at his Facebook openly with him." *I thought his second statement was a joke, because if I took this method, he would have the chance to sift through anything he didn't want me to see* I say, "He gave me his password to help me trust him again, and use his password to access his account and keep tabs." Who is in the wrong? --- **tl;dr**: Cheating boyfriend gave me Facebook password, and then gets mad that I check his messages "behind his back". Who is wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 How long ago was the affair? Personally, I don't get the whole "I cheated on you, here are my details." They cheated on you, and if they want to do it again, they'll spend 20 mins organising new FB, new email, and a new mobile phone. I would have just bounced him.You can't have a relationship with trust if you have to check on his FB to make sure he's being a good boy. It's complete dysfunction. You're both nuts for staying. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Thank you for your reply. I was on the verge of leaving, but there was a lot involved. I moved from New York to Australia to live with him, and I have given up a lot to be with him. And not to mention he is extremely good looking and has a lot of great qualities, and aside of the cheating and small fights he treats me great. The affair was from ~march-august (2013). The worst part about it was he lied about it 100%, and it took me meeting up with the other person and having them tell me the truth. But I am still wanting to work through our past and start over. This thread was meant to be about "the Facebook incident" and not the affair. Input on "who is wrong" would be great! He recommended that I make this post, because he feels that I am wrong for "snooping". Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 He's in the wrong IMO. You don't hand someone your house keys with an open invitation then get mad when they unexpectedly drop by. When he gave you his password it was expressedly stated that he was doing so in order for you to access his Facebook for the exact reason you did. You didn't start messaging random girls from his friends list to see if there was anything going on. You simply perused his inbox. Apparently his overtures weren't meant to be taken seriously, but merely an attempt to put your mind at ease falsely. Go back and ask him why he bothered making the gesture of trust if it wasn't in earnest? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Thank you for your reply. I was on the verge of leaving, but there was a lot involved. I moved from New York to Australia to live with him, and I have given up a lot to be with him. And not to mention he is extremely good looking and has a lot of great qualities, and aside of the cheating and small fights he treats me great. The affair was from ~march-august (2013). The worst part about it was he lied about it 100%, and it took me meeting up with the other person and having them tell me the truth. But I am still wanting to work through our past and start over. This thread was meant to be about "the Facebook incident" and not the affair. Input on "who is wrong" would be great! He recommended that I make this post, because he feels that I am wrong for "snooping". If this isn't about the affair, then you are in the wrong. A clean slate does not mean checking up on him. If you trust him to not cheat on you again, then that means you have to trust him - which means letting him be an adult and having control over his FB. If you want the clean slate, tell him to change his FB password and no more snooping. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 If this isn't about the affair, then you are in the wrong. A clean slate does not mean checking up on him. If you trust him to not cheat on you again, then that means you have to trust him - which means letting him be an adult and having control over his FB. If you want the clean slate, tell him to change his FB password and no more snooping. Thank you for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Thank you for your reply. I was on the verge of leaving, but there was a lot involved. I moved from New York to Australia to live with him, and I have given up a lot to be with him. And not to mention he is extremely good looking and has a lot of great qualities, and aside of the cheating and small fights he treats me great. The affair was from ~march-august (2013). The worst part about it was he lied about it 100%, and it took me meeting up with the other person and having them tell me the truth. But I am still wanting to work through our past and start over. This thread was meant to be about "the Facebook incident" and not the affair. Input on "who is wrong" would be great! He recommended that I make this post, because he feels that I am wrong for "snooping". You know when a woman gives up so much to be with the man she loves or likes ..He starts to think he got her all under his control and spell , and he can do whatever he wants without any consequences and yes you proved him right He will cheat on you again. He is good looking, but there are many other good looking people in the world what the point in having a good looking guy who breaks your heart all the time. I don't think you were wrong by checking his messages, I wouldn't do that because I trust people, but again once they've broken that trust I'll simply give up on any shred of real trust in the future. You can always back to your country, starts again. Or you can stay in Australia and starts again. You think it's hard, you are right it's hard, but it's not impossible Don't waste the good years of your life on a cheater.. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
isisisweeping Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 The whole point of giving passwords for transparency post infidelity is for you to check whenever you need as trust is regained. It hasn't even been a year post a long time cheating. this isn't just you checking from nowhere. I'd be pretty suspicious of that defensive reaction and bother given the history. In the end, if someone wants to cheat, they can no matter what they have shown you. But, he's not acting right at this moment as if he wants it to be full recovery. Did y'all go to counseling? This should be discussed with a counselor and together not an online forum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 The whole point of giving passwords for transparency post infidelity is for you to check whenever you need as trust is regained. It hasn't even been a year post a long time cheating. this isn't just you checking from nowhere. I'd be pretty suspicious of that defensive reaction and bother given the history. In the end, if someone wants to cheat, they can no matter what they have shown you. But, he's not acting right at this moment as if he wants it to be full recovery. Did y'all go to counseling? This should be discussed with a counselor and together not an online forum. I don't get the point of this. You can hand over your passwords and immediately set up a new covert account. Given the fact that most people have a smart phone with internet access, perhaps a tablet, maybe a work laptop and home laptop, how does handing over your passwords help regain trust post-affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 You were in the wrong but for staying with him post-cheating. He has shown you who he is and how little he values the sacrifice you made (to move to another country to be with him). As for this incident, he is again trying to shift the blame, you had every right to look since he gave you his password. I personally don't know how can it possibly be worth it to you to check up on him and live with so much stress and suspicion. New country or not, you can make a life for yourself in Australia or go back to NYC. You don't need to use "the moving" as a forever excuse to let him walk all over you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 I will stick to the question: He gave you his password and I imagine he did not specify at the time it was only to be used in front of him? And what is the point of giving you a password if he only wants you to check his account in front of him? So, in my book he is in the wrong. He cannot change the rules of *the password* without advising you then be offended. This event here is a good time for both of you to renegotiate these passwords rules. He gives you full access or he doesn't, it's one or the other. Also he's the cheater, he's the one that has to bend here and regain your trust. The price of being with you is to lose certain privacy privilege. He thinks that sucks? Well TOO BAD! That's the price to pay to be with you after betraying you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 (edited) You were in the wrong but for staying with him post-cheating. He has shown you who he is and how little he values the sacrifice you made (to move to another country to be with him). As for this incident, he is again trying to shift the blame, you had every right to look since he gave you his password. I personally don't know how can it possibly be worth it to you to check up on him and live with so much stress and suspicion. New country or not, you can make a life for yourself in Australia or go back to NYC. You don't need to use "the moving" as a forever excuse to let him walk all over you. I was just about to post this. OP, you said that aside from the cheating he treats you great. He's showing you he can't be trusted, will lie and manipulate you. How is that great, exactly? That's a pretty significant strike against his character and indicates a very serious lack of respect for you. You moved across the world to be with him; he couldn't even give you enough respect to remain faithful to you. No thanks. Anyway, it seems you only want to know who is wrong about the FB messages. In my opinion, he is wrong. Now you have to decide if it's truly worth the stress and your sanity to stay with a man who has had sex or some other type of inappropriate relationship with another woman while claiming to be your boyfriend. Edited March 23, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 You were in the wrong but for staying with him post-cheating. He has shown you who he is and how little he values the sacrifice you made (to move to another country to be with him). As for this incident, he is again trying to shift the blame, you had every right to look since he gave you his password. I personally don't know how can it possibly be worth it to you to check up on him and live with so much stress and suspicion. New country or not, you can make a life for yourself in Australia or go back to NYC. You don't need to use "the moving" as a forever excuse to let him walk all over you. ^^^ this I'd also add that I bet this is about the guy's looks. You think you can't get better OP so you stick around... have some pride. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 It can take years to reestablish trust after cheating. He is in the wrong on this. If he wants you to rebuild trust, he needs to be open and transparent about everything to assure you that he isn't doing it again. So, you are completely justified in checking on him, and should probably do more checking and have clear boundaries about communication, including where he is, when, and with whom. If he can't accept that after his cheating and lying, then he is a high risk prospect for cheating on you again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hellischrome Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I actually think you are wrong... I discovered that my BF put a password on both Ipad and Iphone, asked why, he explained and gave me the code. I would never ever use the code he gave me, becase he did it to show he doesn't have trust issues with me, he knows I would never snoop. And why would I do it if I trust him too? Also... I don't agree with the -he cheated so now he has to convince you and reassure you every single time-. Nope. He cheated, you decided to stay. If you forgive you really do it, and that doesn't have to be a problem again. I know it's hard, many people decide they can't live with that and walk. P.S. And no, giving you the password is not an invitation to read and check. Is an invitation to trust, which is way different! Link to post Share on other sites
Salvatore85 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Thank you for your reply. I was on the verge of leaving, but there was a lot involved. I moved from New York to Australia to live with him, and I have given up a lot to be with him. And not to mention he is extremely good looking and has a lot of great qualities, and aside of the cheating and small fights he treats me great. The affair was from ~march-august (2013). The worst part about it was he lied about it 100%, and it took me meeting up with the other person and having them tell me the truth. But I am still wanting to work through our past and start over. This thread was meant to be about "the Facebook incident" and not the affair. Input on "who is wrong" would be great! He recommended that I make this post, because he feels that I am wrong for "snooping". You seriously listed someone's physical appearance as a reason to stay with them after cheating? Aside from the cheating and fighting he treats you great? Honestly? Come on, you've got to respect yourself more than this, geez. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 P.S. And no, giving you the password is not an invitation to read and check. Is an invitation to trust, which is way different! Thank you for your input. However I do not agree with this. That is almost like saying "Here is $100,000 to show how much you mean to me, but you can't buy anything with it." To me, there were other way he could show invitations of trust, but he offered his password and I used it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 I just wanted to thank everyone again for their input. It seems that people have differing opinions on whether I was right to look/should continue to look. It would be interesting to see if there is a comparison between: people who have been cheated on with agreeing I was right - vs - people who have not been cheated on and saying I was wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I just wanted to thank everyone again for their input. It seems that people have differing opinions on whether I was right to look/should continue to look. It would be interesting to see if there is a comparison between: people who have been cheated on with agreeing I was right - vs - people who have not been cheated on and saying I was wrong. Never cheated, been cheated on. Doesn't matter. You either forgive or you don't. Not "I forgive you, but you're not entitled to privacy". You can't have it both ways, and your relationship won't heal until you trust him enough to have his own Facebook. And handing you his password is not permission to look whenever you want. Your money likeness is false. Think about it - how long are you going to check his FB? Forever? Does that seem like a healthy relationship to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 i actually think he is wrong because he "revoked" the access effectively that he had given you to his FB. That said, I have never understood couples who do this. As you said, there are many ways around it if he wants to continue cheating or start new cheating. It is really hard to live in that place mentally where you don't trust the person you're in love with. I definitely wouldn't let a big move or complications like that stand in my way of leaving if you don't have trust for him. Lastly, and some people might think this is a bit contradictory, a little snooping (not to go on indefinitely) if you have suspicions at a certain point in your relationship is ok I think BUT ONLY IF you are prepared to leave if you find info that proves he is not trustworthy. So technically he's wrong but it's a set-up that's not going to work for either of you. You need to just decide to trust him and do things as a couple that build trust. As for his suggestion that you look at the account together, uh puuuulease! Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 How long ago was the affair? Personally, I don't get the whole "I cheated on you, here are my details." They cheated on you, and if they want to do it again, they'll spend 20 mins organising new FB, new email, and a new mobile phone. I would have just bounced him.You can't have a relationship with trust if you have to check on his FB to make sure he's being a good boy. It's complete dysfunction. You're both nuts for staying. This. Have some self-respect and kick this guy to the curb. The trust is lost in this relationship, so its not going to work between you two. Unless you consider you constantly being insecure and suspicious as part of a good relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 ^^^ this I'd also add that I bet this is about the guy's looks. You think you can't get better OP so you stick around... have some pride. This too. Funny how the only quality OP mentioned earlier was the guys looks. Im sure this guy knows OP values him a lot based on his looks. And now that shes shown she has no self-respect by forgiving his flagrant lying and cheating, this guy feels like he can shame her into trusting him. He's trying to shame her into giving him more leeway to cheat again. [sarcasm] I dont have the conventionally hot face, but Im wondering if by summer time I can have the kind of body that will make women move across the globe and lose their self respect for me. A man can only hope. [/sarcasm] 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 [sarcasm] I dont have the conventionally hot face, but Im wondering if by summer time I can have the kind of body that will make women move across the globe and lose their self respect for me. A man can only hope. [/sarcasm] If you play your cards right Link to post Share on other sites
toungeofcolicab Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 As a guy, passwords should be shared if there is nothing to hide imo. I think petty things such as Facebook are fine, but things such as emails, mail, checking texts and what not should be off limits. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 As a guy, passwords should be shared if there is nothing to hide imo. I think petty things such as Facebook are fine, but things such as emails, mail, checking texts and what not should be off limits. Why do they need to be shared? Link to post Share on other sites
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